(no subject)
My brother flies back in tomorrow. possible, he has brought me cheese.
i abdicate my living room throne and I'll back quietly into my bedroom. like things were. just .like. they. were.
i wont come out unless i'm headed towards the front door. or the fridge. i hate it. I want to live in my appartment, not my bedroom. but how i disapoint him so much with my presence. its better living, in my caveroom.
the last two months were marked and stained by 4 things.
at first Gavin split town. Darren and Tom moved down in china town. Jordan left for Rome. I started working at Timothy's world coffee.
every monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and friday i woke up right as the sun does and i sold coffee to government workers. I drank coffee continually and i learned that its easier to cut the bagel first and THEN put the peanut butter on. or else it leaks everywhere. I know what it feels like to have boiling hot coffee, water and metal touch my skin on a daily basis.
Gavin wrote me emails every day promising to come down. to come visit. beacuse he wanted it so. he said so. over and over and every disapointed weekend i felt sicker and sicker and angry and oh if he only knew how easy he made it for me to give him up. Every day i'd march home the 4 blocks from work and all i could think of was another dumb email and more reasons and more debt and that was why all i ever had were secret emails from his desk in his cubicle at work.
Of course i sent him mail. and suprisingly he sent some back. i hated it, it was really nice. And of course i called him when i drank, and suprisingly he called me to say hi. And so now this is where i've landed, or crashed. crash landed. whatever. I'm tired and sick and not the other way around. and he's still making promises. and if he holds his promise? oh will i even care.
Jordan was in Rome so i stopped buying groceries and used the money i saved my parents on canvas, cigarettes and liquor. when it was absolutely necessary, i bought food. I slept on the couch and smokd on my balcony. i made a mess of my messes and bought 163 nintendo games. I moved the piano into the living room and i played and recorded every day until my microphone, then my patch chord, then my guitar strings all gave out on me. I cleaned the appartment according to the smells it developped and the whole place was my play area.
Darren and Tom moved a 15 minute walk away and every evening after answering those emails and taking a bath, id head over there for dinner, jamming, video games and drinking and painting and movies and pho. and everything. living. we went to rockliffe to watch the sunset and play the instruments we brought along. Once i watched a bee die in smouldering ashes and another time we watched an electrical storm way way off in the distance. We went to Tom's cottage and we talked a lot. Mostly we did nothing, but mostly, it was my favorite place.
And in between summer happened. i learned how to whistle, im learning how to roller skate, I swam in a pond and played tennis and biked the bike paths and the songs and stories i wrote, changed accordingly. We all got jobs so now we all have to be a little bit more grown up. for now. I developped the snazzy habit of renting a movie from invisible cinema once a week and they shoor do live up to their reputation as the raddest movie rental palce of business in town.
Most recently I've been wandering back to my old turf, tech wall. I guess i've been missing all the other artsy and musiky kids i run into there. or the not-so-much kids like John who i challenged to a cartwheel race just yesterday and tells the silliest stories from the 80's when he's high. He says he appreciates that i bring my guitar to strum and sing because everybody brings paint cans and stereos or a basketball or skateboards or cameras, but nobody really brings instruments. i never thought about it really.
I have this dictionary of biology i've been reading and Testis, is a real whole word.
love,
Sarah
i abdicate my living room throne and I'll back quietly into my bedroom. like things were. just .like. they. were.
i wont come out unless i'm headed towards the front door. or the fridge. i hate it. I want to live in my appartment, not my bedroom. but how i disapoint him so much with my presence. its better living, in my caveroom.
the last two months were marked and stained by 4 things.
at first Gavin split town. Darren and Tom moved down in china town. Jordan left for Rome. I started working at Timothy's world coffee.
every monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and friday i woke up right as the sun does and i sold coffee to government workers. I drank coffee continually and i learned that its easier to cut the bagel first and THEN put the peanut butter on. or else it leaks everywhere. I know what it feels like to have boiling hot coffee, water and metal touch my skin on a daily basis.
Gavin wrote me emails every day promising to come down. to come visit. beacuse he wanted it so. he said so. over and over and every disapointed weekend i felt sicker and sicker and angry and oh if he only knew how easy he made it for me to give him up. Every day i'd march home the 4 blocks from work and all i could think of was another dumb email and more reasons and more debt and that was why all i ever had were secret emails from his desk in his cubicle at work.
Of course i sent him mail. and suprisingly he sent some back. i hated it, it was really nice. And of course i called him when i drank, and suprisingly he called me to say hi. And so now this is where i've landed, or crashed. crash landed. whatever. I'm tired and sick and not the other way around. and he's still making promises. and if he holds his promise? oh will i even care.
Jordan was in Rome so i stopped buying groceries and used the money i saved my parents on canvas, cigarettes and liquor. when it was absolutely necessary, i bought food. I slept on the couch and smokd on my balcony. i made a mess of my messes and bought 163 nintendo games. I moved the piano into the living room and i played and recorded every day until my microphone, then my patch chord, then my guitar strings all gave out on me. I cleaned the appartment according to the smells it developped and the whole place was my play area.
Darren and Tom moved a 15 minute walk away and every evening after answering those emails and taking a bath, id head over there for dinner, jamming, video games and drinking and painting and movies and pho. and everything. living. we went to rockliffe to watch the sunset and play the instruments we brought along. Once i watched a bee die in smouldering ashes and another time we watched an electrical storm way way off in the distance. We went to Tom's cottage and we talked a lot. Mostly we did nothing, but mostly, it was my favorite place.
And in between summer happened. i learned how to whistle, im learning how to roller skate, I swam in a pond and played tennis and biked the bike paths and the songs and stories i wrote, changed accordingly. We all got jobs so now we all have to be a little bit more grown up. for now. I developped the snazzy habit of renting a movie from invisible cinema once a week and they shoor do live up to their reputation as the raddest movie rental palce of business in town.
Most recently I've been wandering back to my old turf, tech wall. I guess i've been missing all the other artsy and musiky kids i run into there. or the not-so-much kids like John who i challenged to a cartwheel race just yesterday and tells the silliest stories from the 80's when he's high. He says he appreciates that i bring my guitar to strum and sing because everybody brings paint cans and stereos or a basketball or skateboards or cameras, but nobody really brings instruments. i never thought about it really.
I have this dictionary of biology i've been reading and Testis, is a real whole word.
love,
Sarah