(no subject)
I'm really tired. I like don't sleep hardly at all. Lilly almost always goes to bed at 10 but I'm always up til like 3am. I hate sleep sometimes but I only get about 3 hours of sleep every night. I still have nightmares and everything. It's really hard.
I don't know what you want me to say really. I'm trying to think of stuff to update you guys on but I can't really think of anything.
Um I like my new therapist. I finally found one that listens to me so that's good. I had 4 different therapists in the year and a half that I've lived with my aunt. But the one I have now is really nice and it seems like she cares. The other ones didn't.
So we're kinda working on my problems and stuff. It always seems like when we fix one problem I just get another. Like for a while all the window and the doors in the house had to be locked all the time and I got through that but now I'm scared to go out of the house by myself, even just out on the front porch. There's so much things wrong with me. It's like I'm scared of everything. My therapist always says that one day we'll fix everything. I guess there's a lot to undo or something. Since I was really little anyway. Probably since I was born.
Sometimes it's like I can't handle all this. Therapy is hard and it makes me talk about everything and it brings everything back and I just want to forget and lie to myself and stuff that it never happened and that I'm somebody else.
Um my eating is a little better now too. It's really hard though. I have to like think about it everyday and make sure I take care of myself. My therapist is doing this whole confidence building thing with me and I think it's helping a little. I think I have more confidence and stuff now but I still have to work on it.
I don't miss my dad anymore either. I don't know if you knew about that but I missed him for a long time. That prolly sounds stupid right? It is and I know it is but he's the only one I ever had my whole life and even though he beat and raped me I guess a little bit of me loved him anyway or something. I don't know anyway. My therapist says it's ok to miss him because of that but just to understand that he didn't have rights to do what he did and that he didn't love me the way he was supposed to.
But I don't miss him anymore. My life is lots better now.
I'm trying really hard to start liking church and God again. Some of the ladies in the church kinda watch over me and Lilly. It's kinda nice. They invide me to their women's activities even though I'm too young. They keep telling me that I'm a good mom to Lilly. I hope I am. I just do my best. I never even babysat before I was pregnant. I don't have any little brothers or sisters and wasn't around other kids because my dad never let me. I'm just trying to do the best job I can and hopefully Lilly turns out alright. I just know one thing, no one will ever do to Lilly what they did to me. They'll have to kill me first and I'd put up a big fight.
Um I don't know what else you want to know about and Lilly is fussing right now so I gotta go.
I don't know what you want me to say really. I'm trying to think of stuff to update you guys on but I can't really think of anything.
Um I like my new therapist. I finally found one that listens to me so that's good. I had 4 different therapists in the year and a half that I've lived with my aunt. But the one I have now is really nice and it seems like she cares. The other ones didn't.
So we're kinda working on my problems and stuff. It always seems like when we fix one problem I just get another. Like for a while all the window and the doors in the house had to be locked all the time and I got through that but now I'm scared to go out of the house by myself, even just out on the front porch. There's so much things wrong with me. It's like I'm scared of everything. My therapist always says that one day we'll fix everything. I guess there's a lot to undo or something. Since I was really little anyway. Probably since I was born.
Sometimes it's like I can't handle all this. Therapy is hard and it makes me talk about everything and it brings everything back and I just want to forget and lie to myself and stuff that it never happened and that I'm somebody else.
Um my eating is a little better now too. It's really hard though. I have to like think about it everyday and make sure I take care of myself. My therapist is doing this whole confidence building thing with me and I think it's helping a little. I think I have more confidence and stuff now but I still have to work on it.
I don't miss my dad anymore either. I don't know if you knew about that but I missed him for a long time. That prolly sounds stupid right? It is and I know it is but he's the only one I ever had my whole life and even though he beat and raped me I guess a little bit of me loved him anyway or something. I don't know anyway. My therapist says it's ok to miss him because of that but just to understand that he didn't have rights to do what he did and that he didn't love me the way he was supposed to.
But I don't miss him anymore. My life is lots better now.
I'm trying really hard to start liking church and God again. Some of the ladies in the church kinda watch over me and Lilly. It's kinda nice. They invide me to their women's activities even though I'm too young. They keep telling me that I'm a good mom to Lilly. I hope I am. I just do my best. I never even babysat before I was pregnant. I don't have any little brothers or sisters and wasn't around other kids because my dad never let me. I'm just trying to do the best job I can and hopefully Lilly turns out alright. I just know one thing, no one will ever do to Lilly what they did to me. They'll have to kill me first and I'd put up a big fight.
Um I don't know what else you want to know about and Lilly is fussing right now so I gotta go.