(no subject)
i'm home now. i couldn't stand being there anymore. i missed being home anyway. especially hanging out with robert. it seems like he's the one that's been calling into check on my lately. not kelly or jack..but robert. he's an amazing friend. i'm glad i have him.
i just want to crawl in bed and stay there for a long time. i don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. maybe robert. that's it.
i didn't know this would be so hard for me. i didn't realize how much i really did like quinn, and want to be with him...until i lost him. and now i feel so horrible. i can't stand thinking about him. at first i was angry at him. now i'm just angry at myself...and upset at him. sad for myself. why should i be though? i knew it would end like this. it was in the back of my mind the whole time. i knew it wouldn't last. it never does, for people like me.
i guess i just hate being rejected. i've never been rejected before. the reason being, i've never let myself get involved with someone enough to get rejected. but i became vulnerable to quinn's touch...his words, his kisses. his everything. and that was wrong for me to do. especially so soon. i'm so upset with myself for being like this. this is why i never wanted "relationships".
he says he doesn't want to lose our friendship. but i can't stand being around him, and not having what i want. i don't know if i'll ever be able to be his friend again. i'll always want something more. and it's only going to hurt me. even if we did end up as friends...it would never be the same. it sounds so selfish on my part, but i want it that way. i want to be selfish.
it feels like i lost so much more than i did. we weren't that serious. but i thought we would be. i wanted us to be.
i'm so confused...i want to lay in bed. i want to sleep. i want to die.
i just want to crawl in bed and stay there for a long time. i don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. maybe robert. that's it.
i didn't know this would be so hard for me. i didn't realize how much i really did like quinn, and want to be with him...until i lost him. and now i feel so horrible. i can't stand thinking about him. at first i was angry at him. now i'm just angry at myself...and upset at him. sad for myself. why should i be though? i knew it would end like this. it was in the back of my mind the whole time. i knew it wouldn't last. it never does, for people like me.
i guess i just hate being rejected. i've never been rejected before. the reason being, i've never let myself get involved with someone enough to get rejected. but i became vulnerable to quinn's touch...his words, his kisses. his everything. and that was wrong for me to do. especially so soon. i'm so upset with myself for being like this. this is why i never wanted "relationships".
he says he doesn't want to lose our friendship. but i can't stand being around him, and not having what i want. i don't know if i'll ever be able to be his friend again. i'll always want something more. and it's only going to hurt me. even if we did end up as friends...it would never be the same. it sounds so selfish on my part, but i want it that way. i want to be selfish.
it feels like i lost so much more than i did. we weren't that serious. but i thought we would be. i wanted us to be.
i'm so confused...i want to lay in bed. i want to sleep. i want to die.