End of 2011
I have worked hard in the past 8 months. My life has transformed into working around the clock. I have been juggling two full-time commitments because I have invested heavily in them both and I would like them to pay off. Lana broke off the relationship, which I feel was the natural and only progression for us both. By challenging myself, my beliefs and my boundaries I feel like I have deconstructed myself down to something a bit precarious. I have spent 5 months homeless, ending this year destitute. These seem like such irrational choices.
When I sat down to summarise 2011, I couldn't even remember how it began. 2011 feels like it was out of my control, or simply a blur of working with peripheral events. Looking at my photos I was disappointed - 2011 was not a great year for my photography. I graphed the quantity of photos over time:
Apparently I was most inspired, most observant, or had my camera with me most often in 2010. I have blog posts back to 2005, so I decided to look at my end-of-year reviews. So, in my longest and most self-indulgent blog post yet, I want to look at clippings of my developments over the past 4 years:
End of 2007, along with revision plans and coursework worries; nearing the end of my undergraduate degree. Hardwork, uncertainty, lots of potentials:
"Right now i think i need to rest. I am itching to do something productive. Its like i feel compelled to work, i am finding it hard to stop. But i know i am too tired to do any more this evening, i would make more mistakes than worthwhile. I guess this is a life skill too. I have to know when to stop, when to let my subconsious take over and idle my imagination for a bit."
End of 2008, regarding the first 6 months of the PhD, and [unknown to me at the time] the start of the collapse of my relationship with Louise which I think had a lot to do with feeling isolated and insecure about myself:
"But if i am completely honest, i think i feel most prominently lonely. If i ask myself this, it sounds ridiculous; all of my environments are occupied with friendly people. I think the underlying feelings are probably frustration and annoyance. There is a lot of pressure on just me, and it has not been as easy as previous years to simply discuss things with people. There is frustration at not achieving things, or forms of process orientated frustration (why does this take so long? etc), but i think i have also found it frustrating in that people (naturally) don't grasp just how important certain things are to me. I've had to learn the hard way that when people ask how the phd is going they probably just want a 'good/ok/bad' answer, or a little elaboration. I find it easy to instantly explode into babbling mode. The most obvious example is getting home from work bursting with things to tell and often getting "thats nice", or "oh right" as answers, or simply no inquisitive desire to know more.
If i look at that, it makes me ask what my expectations are. Why should people be interested in me and what i am doing? But i don't think i have a high opinion of myself (i.e people must know about me!) or silly expectations about how people should behave, but that i am finding it frustrating that i don't get the reciprocation i desire, that i need to release my mind from its constant churning. I almost feel like i am a bit trapped in my own head sometimes. So its not that i hate any certain people."
...
"My buddy Jan in the lab has gone back to Norway now. That guy is pure inspiration. Looking toward Jan, i am moaning about a slight feeling about loneliness, but its not a real problem. In fact, i should take it in my stride. The feeling was worse a month ago thats for sure. This is something for me to conquer, to emerge triumphant and powerful from.
The thing that is contrary to this, is wanting something exciting. As if the PhD wasn't enough, i feel like i need more stimulation. I feel this itching desire to shake things up. I guess i have been going to the same university in the same city for 4 and a half years, eating the same damn sandwiches.
But it goes beyond that. I have a bad habit of spending far to much time in labs, but i also think its because going home and watching tele really isn't going to do it for me. I am adverse to just going out and getting pissed, but i think its something like that that i need. Perhaps i have created so much focus within myself that i now resent my apparent routine. I can't even say what i want to do, just that it is frustrating haha.
In that contradiction, i find myself in a position where i feel lonely but i want to shake off the things i know lol. Its like a have a frustration that feeds the hermit in me, which causes a growth in adversity to stability. "
End of 2009, reflecting on my lifetimes encounters with discipline and my (perception of my) fathers expectations of me; realising the self, beginning the search on shaky legs:
"Recently I have felt quite perculiar and unsatisfied, and I think the reason is the realisation of myself. When offered a job or a PhD I sought my fathers counsel:
"I'm afraid I don't know, I have never been in such a position."
It was odd. What choice should I make without [my fathers] validation? That wasn't the exact thought, but it was definitely happening. And now such things are a regular occurence - the specialism and circumstance of my PhD ensures this is a daily feeling in varying contexts. There have been other things that have occupied my mind. I have been fascinated by kids playing. I have been startled at how they can mirror social situations, and yet their play and joy is unbridled. When upset, the emotions they feel seem so desolating it is awkward to observe. They are miniature people with all the faculties of adults, but lack experience to contextualise. I find it impossible to remember such unrestrained joys. Is it the mark of an adult to be drowning in introspection? I feel as if I have only just realised this distinction and it has some how severed the umbilical."
...
"I think the decade is ending with me realising how to use discipline and expectations to my advantage, not live by them. That ultimately I am living with myself, or rather, I must learn to live with myself.
And so it is ending not with a rebellion, but perhaps with a complete surrender. I find I often tell others how I feel about something, or my aspirations. An increasingly lonely affair, I'm realising that what I am actually doing is seeking confirmation from them that my thoughts are in some way acceptable."
...
"Fortunately, I have 20 months to prove I have what it takes to become a Doctor of Philosophy. At which point, I sincerly hope I have the willpower to resist opportunity and instead disappear into the world beyond the familiar; to live beyond the expectations impregnated at the place of birth. To do anything less would be to deceive myself, and mark a great ingratitude to the life given to me. The next decade will be something like 'Growth and Humility'."
End of 2010, I reached out to Canadian Dave and gained an addiction to spontaneity and pushing my boundaries. Chasing a girl to New York city. When learning to swing dance helped me socially, where I met Lana, and absconded to Russia. The end of the PhD began to appear on the horizon, which meant reigning things in and some decisions to make in the year ahead (leading towards 2011):
"Well, 2010 feels like a bit of an odd year. I can't put my finger on it, but I think the uncertainty and to-do list of 2011 are putting a dampener on it when it was actually quite remarkable. It feels too early to celebrate, or something.
But 2010 was pretty cool I guess. I travelled to New York and Russia. I also went camping to the Lake District, hiking in Wales and surfing in Devon. We had a few parties at the flat, and I had a great time with the various Invisible Circus nights in town (and a growing community of friends). I think it was 2010 that I found my dancing feet, starting the year with intensive weekend dance workshops."
...
"My friend David really helped me come out of my shell a bit, and inspire me to think beyond the PhD and all those things we 'should' be doing."
...
"The thing I am most grateful for is meeting Svetlana, who compliments me in every way and feels like my soul mate."
...
"But it has not all been great. I have been ill a lot this year I think, mostly always something symptomatic of food poisoning or upset digestion. I have not recorded the instances, but I will put it down to stress. Most recently, I experienced the most uncomfortable thing yet, drinking 3 litres of exceptionally strong laxative and having exploratory bowel surgery."
...
"I frequently tell myself I am too busy to do 'things' but really, I haven't spent that much of this year doing what I am supposed to be doing - PhD! I have been travelling and dancing and all sorts. I do not regret it, but I am looking at myself and realising I have been massively unorganised. It wouldn't be a problem if I was feeling 100% good about it, but there was a time when I could do the splits, loops on a high bar and somersault a horse. I think that having the mindset to not look after myself properly can only be a bad omen."
...
"It annoys me that I stopped doing any martial arts a long time ago, and I don't feel 100% confident I could protect Lana and come away unscathed myself. I'm making assumptions about what Lana wants in me, but these things annoy me because I don't feel like I could travel on a whim, or take part in something spontaneously."
...
"But other than health and fitness, I think I also have a responsibility to secure my future intellectually. I have worked hard to get here, and I am getting tired and bored. But it would be foolish to let it slide away, or convince myself I don't need or want it. It is not necessarily about the achievement or gain, but about providing choice and opportunity. I think Lanas dad became a highly successful business man because of the necessity of a child. I should be smart enough not to need that necessity to motivate me. And if I want to hold on to a smart characterful girl like Lana, then I shouldn't let myself go at the last hurdle.
So I think I could make a long long list of things I want to do or fix for 2011, but really it seems to all come down to being better organised. I think my goal for 2011 is to bring structure back into my lifestyle."
...
"My tenancy on the flat expires in June which is a few months short of my bursary. Again, I think only time will tell how that pans out. If I have started my write up I will be in a good position to go home and save the last quarter of my bursary. If I have lab work to continue, I will most surely need to hang around in Bristol. I think my flat mate tom is running on a slower schedule than me, so I feel reasonably confident that we might look for somewhere together. It could come down to every man for himself however. "
...
"2011 is all about september. It will be a year of change which I have been craving for a while. I need to make sure that the desire doesnt turn into fear. I am excited because it is also a time of change for Lana. I want to see how things work out between us. I am a little afraid that we will be forced to go in different directions. I have confidence that we will hold it together, even if we do have to go our own ways. I think I am afraid of distance and the potential to grow apart. I think I am feeling possessive and afraid that someone might notice how awesome she is without me to defend my claim to her haha."
I feel that after reading the above there is a narrative, there is a rational development towards my current circumstance. I want to collect my thoughts.
I have found the PhD lonely. I have become a (world leading!) specialist in something entirely academic - in a tiny, far-out contribution to human knowledge. And that loneliness has been a catalyst for introspection. It has shaken me. It has disturbed my child-like belief in myself and my previous narrow minded pursuit of qualifications, possessions, love, living and employment.
The PhD has unpicked the fabric of my upbringing. In contrast my teenage rebellion was really a confirmation of the rules established in childhood - a brute force testing of my fathers expectations of me. I didn't do anything new or original. 'So this is the extent of the cage I occupy!' But in the PhD I swam out to a point where the only person I had to answer to was myself. The only person I could blame was myself, and the only person I was really failing was myself. No thing, no love, and no money can provide the answers or belief required to push forwards. I realise this probably sounds no different to getting a job, moving out, etc, but I think the quantity of external investment in me and pride from relatives made this a heavier burden.
This sudden insecurity, the sudden awareness of my personal failings and awkwardness made me aware of other people. It made me aware of how much I use other people to gauge myself, to measure up to, to seek guidance from, and yet other people that I avoid, shy away from or looked down upon. I felt frustrated with myself, and somehow undeserving and spoilt of my circumstances. I felt wretched for needing from others, especially Louise. But it was not just needing, but of feeling the 'need' and then feeling unsatisfied, and consequently creating inter-personal dissonance. My (unsatisfiable?) neediness ultimately leading to anothers sense of rejection. Louise and I living in a flat together was like the initiation of a self-destruct sequence.
Not knowing the above, not knowing myself, it couldn't last between Louise and I. In a way I think we were too wrapped up in each other, to dependent - it would have taken a lifetime to work out the disfunctions. However my infidelity with Louise was such a crime. It was a cowards escape from emotional turmoil I just couldn't understand. I was a child, and with no courage. It was a moral travesty that forced my mind into a new place. I had to realise the significance of deception, of morals as a human construct, the duality of guilt, and to recognise another persons capacity for honesty, truth. As soon as Louise returned from San Francisco I immediately confessed and subjected myself to judgment. It became about realising arrogance in thought, assumptions, and projecting the self on to another. I destroyed something and someone that was really quite beautiful. I placed myself in the gallows. Shame. Humility.
I think ultimately it was liberation for us both. To date, it has radically changed my perceptions of love, and to a greater extent, people, and consequently life. Moreover, humility made me keenly aware of myself as a fallible human - just like everyone else - and lowered my expectations of humanity. Coming out of that relationship, I moved back into a shared student flat and went to dance classes. I regularly suffered anxiety attacks and had to leave dancing after only half an hour of attendance. It became a war within myself, where my behaviour and speech was so automatically moderated to be reclusive that the only strategy was gorilla warfare. I purposely placed myself into uncomfortable situations to deny my own habitual mind and subconscious reactions the easy escape. The rush of resolving these situations became a good feeling.
And eventually I met Svetlana. On our first date and in response to the question "what is your most intense experience?" I told her I cheated on my ex, and explained my feelings on how it all came about. It was feeding my addiction to 'awkward situations', but also representative of my new experiments in complete and frank honesty - of not assuming someone else's capacity for truth. It was a gamble, would she realise and respect my honesty? Or would she reveal herself naive and immature, and be uncomfortable with my break from social convention? My honesty provoked her own, where she was relieved of the burden of her own guilt of never-disclosed infidelity. And so began an intense relationship of honesty and pushing boundaries. I guess it was like giving an alcoholic the keys to an off-license.
Roll on to summer 2010. In the later half of 2010 the stress levels between Lana and I started to increase. Unfortunately the carefree summer of love was over. I entered the final year of my PhD without a significant publication, feeling (academically) lost and receiving a kick up the arse from my supervisor. Lana started a Masters in Bath, commuting everyday which was creating distance between us. I started falling ill, which I am sure was self-inflicted due to anxiety and stress. I started to feel too-busy and un-organised, as I escalated my PhD efforts. The distance and stress between Lana and I transforms into worry over expectations and capacity to meet them - despite the fact we started our 'relationship' by declaring we were not in a relationship(!) to avoid the expectations and obligations. And hence there were notes of 'possessiveness' in the summary of 2010.
And so 2011 came around, and the stress for Lana and I continued to escalate. I've not worked out if it is an absolutely bad thing, but I am stubborn with my personal problems. I have felt like I either want to resolve something for myself (like finding solutions to my health) or that there is little another can do for me directly (like fulfilling my PhD). I feel like I am always open to advice, but the execution is my own to conduct as I please. Contrary to this, I think I am predisposed to go out of my way to help someone or something I care for. I regularly met Lana to cycle back with her to my flat, or stayed up late to help her get through coursework deadlines. And I think this is where the balance between us in our relationship began to tip.
I think between Lana and I there developed a cyclical process of growing inadequacy. I think my stress and my lack of time meant I would go out of my way to do things for Lana at every opportunity I could - because I otherwise felt like I was not giving her enough. But my stress and lack of availability also meant I did not let Lana in to help me - I needed to be organised and efficient, feeling obstructed if she asked too much of me or asked me to change my plans. Even now I do not know how I could have integrated her. I feel like I regularly tried to tell her that her love and presence was all I needed - that I needed support through understanding - but I think the things I was doing for Lana made her feel awkward and unincluded in my lifestyle. I was doing lot for her but asking her to be unincluded. Furthermore, Lana became estranged from me, living more in Bath and her dull flat. I think Lana did want more from me, did want to do things to make it easier, but she could not afford to compromise her studies either. Despite all our honesty, expectations (or rather, projected expectations - our own feelings of inadequacy) had crept in to undermine us. And as ambitious young people, no amount of communication was going to offset our commitments and lack of time for each other.
Perhaps the intensity of our relationship over the summer had made us self-obsessed. That is, we believed in the relationship so intensely that we felt the distance between us acutely. We were both trapped inside our heads, worrying about the other, worrying about the state of things, desperately trying to please the other and ride out the turbulence. We had forgotten about the world around us, forgotten about our own capacity to do things in our own time. We were both addicted to pushing each others boundaries but things between us had stalled. Despite all our talk about independence, individuality - even to the point of 'open infidelity' - we had become grossly possessive. Ironically, I think we both became the things we discussed against most often.
Perhaps the most prominent thing from all of the above is that when I am unhappy I begin to work harder. One of the hardest parts of 2011 to explain is joining the start-up business, and my ever increasing involvement as the year progressed. After the extant project in the second year of my PhD I said I would not do another project until I finished my PhD. However, I agreed to do the audio module on the current project as it was small and the most independent component. I am ending the year as one of three company directors and secretary, actively engaging with business networks in Bristol - whilst trying to finish my PhD! I can not blame Lana for asking the question "If you didn't have time for me before, why do you now have time for the business?". I am seeing a cyclical behaviour. I feel like I know I made the choice because it was an opportunity I did not want to exclude myself from, that there was a host of interesting people and work that would continue to push my boundaries. But now I can see a subconscious motive, that I wanted to escape my emotional problems by immersing myself and loosing all my time to work.
Obviously, I consequently had no time for Lana. Combined with our existing feelings of inadequacy, I began to interpret Lana's growing frustrations and attempts to engage me as needy and my sex drive dropped off the chart. I was exhausted, and every time the occasion for sex appeared I felt like there was no chance I could live up to her desires. The negative weight of 'performance' on my sex drive is most evident in the fact that I still masturbated (and felt guilty for this!). By this point, my attempts to satisfy her demands were pitiful - the least of all I regularly agreed to meet her and arrived late. I was trying really hard and failing miserably, digging my own grave. I had become a shambles, the blubbering, excusing-himself boyfriend who couldn't do anything a 15 year old would be eager to do for a mere snatch of pussy.
So I think it is at this point (summer 2011) that I arrived in a position with a sense of crushing expectations, whether they were real or not. It is laughable looking at it now, that I have stacked everything against myself, all in complete denial - everything feels like a logical progression of necessity. And so, since 2007 I have been fighting external validation and confirmation, and remained trapped in its vice-like grip. The only natural thing to do is to begin to shed one's possessions (those things that give personality, that attribute identity) and to remove as many binding obligations as possible. It is almost as if I have engineered the whole thing, subconsciously spinning a web of causality so that being homeless was my only option. It became calculated risk - a gamble on receiving an extension to my bursary that I could then stretch out to meet all my commitments concurrently (and consequently, deny myself alternatives like a paying part-time job, focusing on my PhD, going home to my parents, or confronting my relationship with Lana). Oddly though, I think the subconscious engineering compliments my conscious efforts to push my own boundaries - validation and confirmation are rooted in a lack of faith in myself. I have reduced my 'accessories' to a bare minimum and utilise my time fully to challenge myself.
There is a satisfying symmetry in the fact that when I when I came back from the conference in San Francisco Lana told me she was so emotionally upset that she felt close to infidelity whilst I was away - brushing the exact same escape/coping mechanism as myself a couple of years ago! To her credit, she actually had the courage to confront me and call the situation. She called a break in our relationship, needed to find other men who would appreciate her. I would like to attribute this to all of our previous open and honest discussions, and I continue to believe that frank honesty is the foundation of a relationship. I was upset. But soon I felt relieved of a burden (a sad thing to say). Lana's choice was correct in that it gave me space to meet my commitments, and also in the sense that there were not many other boundaries we were going push together anyway. She did not abandon me, she liberated me (she me asked once, "could you love someone enough to let them go?"). I think I may have been too cowardly to do this myself, despite all my confident assertions.
As soon as the break started I was really upset. The weight of expectations manifested immediately as a sense of failure, and I remarked in my written journal that everything lost its value and felt meaningless - that I had woven her into all my activities and intentions. I guess I believed that I would have my commitments wrapped up and finished in due time. For a few weeks I tucked these feelings away and did not dwell on the issue. When I visited Lana for the first time we had ordinary conversation, but at the very end of the evening I burst into tears when I told her "I miss you", and cried the entire walk home, climbed straight into bed and felt wondrously refreshed in the morning. It was like seeing Lana brought it all to the fore, she pulled the cork and drained me dry. The next time we met I felt as free as a bird.
However, loosing Lana left me in a lonely position. Despite the distance that had grown between us, she had still been my shoulder, my mechanism to relax. Lana and I wrote letters to each other and she had made her feelings clear with sentiments like "I no longer trust you". I found it difficult to talk to anyone else because almost everyone was aghast that I was ok for my partner to sleep with others. In actuality I had a sense of pride in her confident sexual prowess, in her tenacity for living. It also became difficult for me to talk to anyone because no one seems able to understand my motivation to work around the clock and be homeless, and the people I work with are exhausted. Perhaps it has been difficult for me to talk to anyone because I have not really understood my own motivations. In any case, I have spent more time in my written journal than ever before. My written journal helps me to relax, to reflect, and gives all my activities a sense of enjoyable purpose (i.e, 'regardless of outcome, this will be a good entry into the journal'). The newest function of my journal is to remove my personal 'heaviness', as I often find myself too captivated or philosophical, and people seem to feel a (distressing?) responsibility towards me and my mindset. The written journal has become a sponge.
But its not all doom and gloom. In fact, I would say I have experienced more personal growth in 2011 than any previous year. Being homeless has been interesting because it has been a both a denial of personal space whilst also an incredibly solitary affair. Not knowing if and when someone might come to the studio has meant I have had to be disciplined with getting up early and packing away my bedroll. Having a messy bedroom is no longer an option. But there have also been plenty of lonely nights, or periods where I can't be in the studio and have to find another place to be. I'm looking forward to warmer weather so I can return to the woods. Sometimes, the lack of personal space (or should it be, control of personal space?) has meant that even going to a cafe to relax has felt stressful, where I am usually unable to tolerate the ambient noise. I drift like a ghost, finding the ordinary recreation stressful. Consequently, I have taken on hobbies like figure and life drawing (which I can do anywhere), and spend more time making things or playing instruments. I am also reading intensely, more able to be absorbed in books than ever before.
I have also spent a fair amount of time moving between houses for short periods. This has been another humbling experience, choosing different ways to explain myself each time. It has meant learning to introduce myself, to laugh at myself, to welcome myself into anothers home and to be at ease when taking advantage(!) of people and their resources. I have met more people this year than any other year of my life, and consequently, feel much more able of contacting someone to socialise. I think my personal humility and the high number of people I have met has planted a new interest in me - an interest in people for all their character. In the last house, my greatest pleasure was to make a cup of tea and sit in the kitchen, waiting for chance encounters with any of the residents or visitors. It was a delight to talk to them, or rather, encourage them to talk to me and to listen, and also to watch how the house functions. I am finding a pleasure in simply experiencing people, and delighting in all their human qualities (good or bad, not passing any judgment - but accepting them as delightful creatures).
Increasing my commitment to the business has been a massive area of growth for me. From the beginning I voiced concerns that I appear too young to be taken seriously. Major progress for me have been small things like having letters from colleagues addressed to both David and myself (stealing his influence!), up to more recently everybody (volunteers and otherwise) looking to me for advice and shaking my hand before they left the building. This is a massive transition for me, a major landmark. With this has also come a more proactive attitude. I have initiated important dialogues regarding funding and projects, and always confront my colleagues as to our behaviours, approaches and presence of person. Clear communication has become a personal challenge, as has learning the merits and methods of professionalism. I am actually feeling transformed; capable of starting something, doing something, and inspiring others - not just being a good student and a nice (and reclusive!) guy. Perhaps a good indication of my significantly changed perception of self and presence of person has been modeling nude for life drawing.
Of course, these things come at a cost. I have been exceptionally fatigued. The week before our latest business demo day / big meeting I fell ill. It was undoubtedly a return of stress caused illness. It pretty obvious, it started with a day where I said "Sorry David, I'm just feeling overwhelmed". And then there is a short list of interactions I had which just seemed to destroy my psychology. I became mentally disabled, and then ended up with stomach cramps for two days. It has been my most severe burnout yet - what seems to be a biological mechanism to force me to take a break. My PhD has suffered too. I have done the bare minimum to complete the process. I have handed in a draft and made some basic revisions. My supervisors have done an exceptionally poor job of reviewing my thesis - no feedback for 4 months. This is partially my fault, as I have been so exhausted and anxious I have allowed the situation to continue.
Another downside has been little opportunity to take advantage of the break from Lana, to explore and to think. I could have traveled, conducted relationships or simply had time to reflect. Instead, occupied by my commitments, I have only watched transformations in Lana. Thankfully, we have had the maturity to resolve our differences and continue to talk openly, to discuss our thoughts and experiences. I have watched her move from defiant and resolute, to hurt and humiliated and more recently a gain in her personal resolve and independence. Through this I have had complimentary moods, and above all I have been tested for my faith in the relationship. I do not feel obligated to have an equal share of sexual encounters, but I expect I will like some time to myself once my commitments are reduced to pull myself together.
Lana and I have had several discussions that have revolved around similar topics. I think one of the most prominent has been an assessment of her demands of me, which came to bare when she was in regret over the break decision and wanted me back. Lana confessed the grass had been greener and concluded she had simply wanted intimacy all along. She wanted to force our situation, to which I had to assert that no good would come of it as I still have no time, I would fail (again) to give her the attention she craves. Through this we deduced (over many conversations) that she has wanted to be loved, rather than giving love unconditionally. Of course she does love me, but I think we have also suffered her greater need to be loved - which I definitely can not satisfy currently, and I fundamentally disagree with. As far as I am concerned, this break is as much a part of our relationship as what occurred before - it is all the same shared journey, and there is nothing to formally reconvene. It will either continue to grow, or one of us will move on.
Time and time again she has complained that I am not jealous; this troubles me most. This break has helped me realise and confirm my belief that love should have absolutely nothing to do with possessiveness. Lana is not my property. I want to live with her. If she inspires me to love her, she can inspire other men to love her. Another mans love has no consequence on my own. And I also think it is not a crime for her to love another. Would the world not be a better place with an infinite capacity for love? I feel I could love her for her love of another. What a beautiful thing falling in love is, why should my existence deny her such experiences? However the most satisfying thing is witnessing Lana reflect personally and challenge me. Least of all I want a clone, or an extension of my ego - some kind of paul cancer. I want her to be herself, defiantly so. And she is growing, quickly! I am not worried about how things will pan out with Lana. I have realised the depth of my love takes pleasure in giving her absolute liberty.
I think the above can be misconstrued to mean "I want absolute liberty...", "I want to fall in love again..", but I don't believe that is my sentiment. Recently Lana said to me "But I don't want to sleep with others anymore, I no longer want anyone but you", and she has been turning the whole situation around into "I hope you get this out of your system soon, go and sleep with girls". But from my point of view, I have not had that desire, even if my sex drive had declined. It seems to me that the root is that Lana is unhappy with my unpossessive philosophy. This year my thoughts are crystalising on the belief that if people were less possessive of one another then people could communicate without fear of reprisal - and that is key.
People should live for themselves but give love freely, and thus live life together, communicate life together, share the process of living; not fear communication for signs of abandonment, fear communication for disrupting the illusion of a perfect marriage of fundamentally different people. I also think, tentatively, that giving absolute liberty (and thus the freedom to communicate) will result in happier, more robust relationships that do not necessarily lead to partners gaily satisfying themselves with other partners. If a love has to be pursued, then so be it. In the long run of things, people are not to be owned and commanded. If I can not find beauty in another persons freewill, determination, and taste for living - I do not deserve to co-habitate with another person. But two people who act entirely through love for the other will ultimately live life together happily - and consequently mutually benefit from feeling loved. There is no need for an external doctrine of what a relationship should be. I feel people need to be confident about themselves, their motivations and their presence of person. All else follows.
All of these recent things can occasionally make me feel at odds with everything. After a bad day, especially when I am tired, I lose my new gained interest in people and instead feel bored of people. This feels like the most precarious part of my current mindset. It is such a stark boredom that I suddenly feel absolutely alone. It can feel bored of English culture, not just people. The boredom transforms into an intolerance of insincerity, of pretenses and of peoples ignorance of living (which all sound hilariously arrogant!). And I am also struggling to escape my new 'ghetto lifestyle', as it has brought me efficiency, discipline, awareness (of myself, of simplicities) and made me an opportunist (to invitations, to resources). Sometimes I consider casting of the last of my commitments and running away. But I know losing a few more things will transform me into a bum with no motivations at all.
The reality of my situation is that I benefit most from being in Bristol. To stay there, I will need to earn money in the very least to feed and maintain myself. I also know that an abode will improve my efficiency by granting me a better diet, a better sleeping pattern and personal space. I also have a list of things to do to stay on the right side of the (tax) law - which makes good sense. It makes good sense to make as much effort as I can to finish my PhD successfully. The way I have been working is also not sustainable. As habitual as working through all of my waking hours has become, I need to make time to take care of myself (physically, psychologically, socially). I have seen a decline in my cognitive behaviours - mostly forgetfulness (leaving possessions behind, not knowing what day it is, or quite often what I did in the morning).
Finally, whilst Lana was staying with my family for Christmas she had a conversation with my dad. His concern for me was that I do not value myself, I work too hard and that I do too much for free. He is worried my supervisor is using me. I think this is a good criticism for me to hear, and I should weigh up all my activities, where everyones motives lie, and consider myself a valuable resource.
I think therefore my resolutions for 2012 should be:
1) Earn money.
2) Find somewhere to live.
3) Scale back my working commitments (to sane hours).
4) Be capable of touching my toes again by 2013.
And my aims should be:
1) Finish the PhD.
2) Invest myself fully in the business.
3) Save up money (again...).
4) Continue to believe in myself, in my developments of thought.
5) Be assertive and take a period of time entirely for myself, grow my independence further.
6) Continue to grow my interest in people.
I think if I can do the above list 2012 could be a very good year. In contrast to 2011, 2012 could end up being very relaxing, a very satisfying year - and remain a good challenge and period of growth. I'm not sure how many times I can repeat 2011. However, I think 2012 could be one of my hardest years yet. There is a strong chance, given my supervisors have not read my thesis and I have run out of money, that finishing the PhD is going to be an ordeal. Therefore, I think for 2012 I need to neither an optimist or a pessimist - I must simply do. I have lots to do.
I was gifted £200 by my parents. I have £200 to get me back to to Bristol and bootstrap myself into 2012.
When I sat down to summarise 2011, I couldn't even remember how it began. 2011 feels like it was out of my control, or simply a blur of working with peripheral events. Looking at my photos I was disappointed - 2011 was not a great year for my photography. I graphed the quantity of photos over time:
Apparently I was most inspired, most observant, or had my camera with me most often in 2010. I have blog posts back to 2005, so I decided to look at my end-of-year reviews. So, in my longest and most self-indulgent blog post yet, I want to look at clippings of my developments over the past 4 years:
End of 2007, along with revision plans and coursework worries; nearing the end of my undergraduate degree. Hardwork, uncertainty, lots of potentials:
"Right now i think i need to rest. I am itching to do something productive. Its like i feel compelled to work, i am finding it hard to stop. But i know i am too tired to do any more this evening, i would make more mistakes than worthwhile. I guess this is a life skill too. I have to know when to stop, when to let my subconsious take over and idle my imagination for a bit."
End of 2008, regarding the first 6 months of the PhD, and [unknown to me at the time] the start of the collapse of my relationship with Louise which I think had a lot to do with feeling isolated and insecure about myself:
"But if i am completely honest, i think i feel most prominently lonely. If i ask myself this, it sounds ridiculous; all of my environments are occupied with friendly people. I think the underlying feelings are probably frustration and annoyance. There is a lot of pressure on just me, and it has not been as easy as previous years to simply discuss things with people. There is frustration at not achieving things, or forms of process orientated frustration (why does this take so long? etc), but i think i have also found it frustrating in that people (naturally) don't grasp just how important certain things are to me. I've had to learn the hard way that when people ask how the phd is going they probably just want a 'good/ok/bad' answer, or a little elaboration. I find it easy to instantly explode into babbling mode. The most obvious example is getting home from work bursting with things to tell and often getting "thats nice", or "oh right" as answers, or simply no inquisitive desire to know more.
If i look at that, it makes me ask what my expectations are. Why should people be interested in me and what i am doing? But i don't think i have a high opinion of myself (i.e people must know about me!) or silly expectations about how people should behave, but that i am finding it frustrating that i don't get the reciprocation i desire, that i need to release my mind from its constant churning. I almost feel like i am a bit trapped in my own head sometimes. So its not that i hate any certain people."
...
"My buddy Jan in the lab has gone back to Norway now. That guy is pure inspiration. Looking toward Jan, i am moaning about a slight feeling about loneliness, but its not a real problem. In fact, i should take it in my stride. The feeling was worse a month ago thats for sure. This is something for me to conquer, to emerge triumphant and powerful from.
The thing that is contrary to this, is wanting something exciting. As if the PhD wasn't enough, i feel like i need more stimulation. I feel this itching desire to shake things up. I guess i have been going to the same university in the same city for 4 and a half years, eating the same damn sandwiches.
But it goes beyond that. I have a bad habit of spending far to much time in labs, but i also think its because going home and watching tele really isn't going to do it for me. I am adverse to just going out and getting pissed, but i think its something like that that i need. Perhaps i have created so much focus within myself that i now resent my apparent routine. I can't even say what i want to do, just that it is frustrating haha.
In that contradiction, i find myself in a position where i feel lonely but i want to shake off the things i know lol. Its like a have a frustration that feeds the hermit in me, which causes a growth in adversity to stability. "
End of 2009, reflecting on my lifetimes encounters with discipline and my (perception of my) fathers expectations of me; realising the self, beginning the search on shaky legs:
"Recently I have felt quite perculiar and unsatisfied, and I think the reason is the realisation of myself. When offered a job or a PhD I sought my fathers counsel:
"I'm afraid I don't know, I have never been in such a position."
It was odd. What choice should I make without [my fathers] validation? That wasn't the exact thought, but it was definitely happening. And now such things are a regular occurence - the specialism and circumstance of my PhD ensures this is a daily feeling in varying contexts. There have been other things that have occupied my mind. I have been fascinated by kids playing. I have been startled at how they can mirror social situations, and yet their play and joy is unbridled. When upset, the emotions they feel seem so desolating it is awkward to observe. They are miniature people with all the faculties of adults, but lack experience to contextualise. I find it impossible to remember such unrestrained joys. Is it the mark of an adult to be drowning in introspection? I feel as if I have only just realised this distinction and it has some how severed the umbilical."
...
"I think the decade is ending with me realising how to use discipline and expectations to my advantage, not live by them. That ultimately I am living with myself, or rather, I must learn to live with myself.
And so it is ending not with a rebellion, but perhaps with a complete surrender. I find I often tell others how I feel about something, or my aspirations. An increasingly lonely affair, I'm realising that what I am actually doing is seeking confirmation from them that my thoughts are in some way acceptable."
...
"Fortunately, I have 20 months to prove I have what it takes to become a Doctor of Philosophy. At which point, I sincerly hope I have the willpower to resist opportunity and instead disappear into the world beyond the familiar; to live beyond the expectations impregnated at the place of birth. To do anything less would be to deceive myself, and mark a great ingratitude to the life given to me. The next decade will be something like 'Growth and Humility'."
End of 2010, I reached out to Canadian Dave and gained an addiction to spontaneity and pushing my boundaries. Chasing a girl to New York city. When learning to swing dance helped me socially, where I met Lana, and absconded to Russia. The end of the PhD began to appear on the horizon, which meant reigning things in and some decisions to make in the year ahead (leading towards 2011):
"Well, 2010 feels like a bit of an odd year. I can't put my finger on it, but I think the uncertainty and to-do list of 2011 are putting a dampener on it when it was actually quite remarkable. It feels too early to celebrate, or something.
But 2010 was pretty cool I guess. I travelled to New York and Russia. I also went camping to the Lake District, hiking in Wales and surfing in Devon. We had a few parties at the flat, and I had a great time with the various Invisible Circus nights in town (and a growing community of friends). I think it was 2010 that I found my dancing feet, starting the year with intensive weekend dance workshops."
...
"My friend David really helped me come out of my shell a bit, and inspire me to think beyond the PhD and all those things we 'should' be doing."
...
"The thing I am most grateful for is meeting Svetlana, who compliments me in every way and feels like my soul mate."
...
"But it has not all been great. I have been ill a lot this year I think, mostly always something symptomatic of food poisoning or upset digestion. I have not recorded the instances, but I will put it down to stress. Most recently, I experienced the most uncomfortable thing yet, drinking 3 litres of exceptionally strong laxative and having exploratory bowel surgery."
...
"I frequently tell myself I am too busy to do 'things' but really, I haven't spent that much of this year doing what I am supposed to be doing - PhD! I have been travelling and dancing and all sorts. I do not regret it, but I am looking at myself and realising I have been massively unorganised. It wouldn't be a problem if I was feeling 100% good about it, but there was a time when I could do the splits, loops on a high bar and somersault a horse. I think that having the mindset to not look after myself properly can only be a bad omen."
...
"It annoys me that I stopped doing any martial arts a long time ago, and I don't feel 100% confident I could protect Lana and come away unscathed myself. I'm making assumptions about what Lana wants in me, but these things annoy me because I don't feel like I could travel on a whim, or take part in something spontaneously."
...
"But other than health and fitness, I think I also have a responsibility to secure my future intellectually. I have worked hard to get here, and I am getting tired and bored. But it would be foolish to let it slide away, or convince myself I don't need or want it. It is not necessarily about the achievement or gain, but about providing choice and opportunity. I think Lanas dad became a highly successful business man because of the necessity of a child. I should be smart enough not to need that necessity to motivate me. And if I want to hold on to a smart characterful girl like Lana, then I shouldn't let myself go at the last hurdle.
So I think I could make a long long list of things I want to do or fix for 2011, but really it seems to all come down to being better organised. I think my goal for 2011 is to bring structure back into my lifestyle."
...
"My tenancy on the flat expires in June which is a few months short of my bursary. Again, I think only time will tell how that pans out. If I have started my write up I will be in a good position to go home and save the last quarter of my bursary. If I have lab work to continue, I will most surely need to hang around in Bristol. I think my flat mate tom is running on a slower schedule than me, so I feel reasonably confident that we might look for somewhere together. It could come down to every man for himself however. "
...
"2011 is all about september. It will be a year of change which I have been craving for a while. I need to make sure that the desire doesnt turn into fear. I am excited because it is also a time of change for Lana. I want to see how things work out between us. I am a little afraid that we will be forced to go in different directions. I have confidence that we will hold it together, even if we do have to go our own ways. I think I am afraid of distance and the potential to grow apart. I think I am feeling possessive and afraid that someone might notice how awesome she is without me to defend my claim to her haha."
I feel that after reading the above there is a narrative, there is a rational development towards my current circumstance. I want to collect my thoughts.
I have found the PhD lonely. I have become a (world leading!) specialist in something entirely academic - in a tiny, far-out contribution to human knowledge. And that loneliness has been a catalyst for introspection. It has shaken me. It has disturbed my child-like belief in myself and my previous narrow minded pursuit of qualifications, possessions, love, living and employment.
The PhD has unpicked the fabric of my upbringing. In contrast my teenage rebellion was really a confirmation of the rules established in childhood - a brute force testing of my fathers expectations of me. I didn't do anything new or original. 'So this is the extent of the cage I occupy!' But in the PhD I swam out to a point where the only person I had to answer to was myself. The only person I could blame was myself, and the only person I was really failing was myself. No thing, no love, and no money can provide the answers or belief required to push forwards. I realise this probably sounds no different to getting a job, moving out, etc, but I think the quantity of external investment in me and pride from relatives made this a heavier burden.
This sudden insecurity, the sudden awareness of my personal failings and awkwardness made me aware of other people. It made me aware of how much I use other people to gauge myself, to measure up to, to seek guidance from, and yet other people that I avoid, shy away from or looked down upon. I felt frustrated with myself, and somehow undeserving and spoilt of my circumstances. I felt wretched for needing from others, especially Louise. But it was not just needing, but of feeling the 'need' and then feeling unsatisfied, and consequently creating inter-personal dissonance. My (unsatisfiable?) neediness ultimately leading to anothers sense of rejection. Louise and I living in a flat together was like the initiation of a self-destruct sequence.
Not knowing the above, not knowing myself, it couldn't last between Louise and I. In a way I think we were too wrapped up in each other, to dependent - it would have taken a lifetime to work out the disfunctions. However my infidelity with Louise was such a crime. It was a cowards escape from emotional turmoil I just couldn't understand. I was a child, and with no courage. It was a moral travesty that forced my mind into a new place. I had to realise the significance of deception, of morals as a human construct, the duality of guilt, and to recognise another persons capacity for honesty, truth. As soon as Louise returned from San Francisco I immediately confessed and subjected myself to judgment. It became about realising arrogance in thought, assumptions, and projecting the self on to another. I destroyed something and someone that was really quite beautiful. I placed myself in the gallows. Shame. Humility.
I think ultimately it was liberation for us both. To date, it has radically changed my perceptions of love, and to a greater extent, people, and consequently life. Moreover, humility made me keenly aware of myself as a fallible human - just like everyone else - and lowered my expectations of humanity. Coming out of that relationship, I moved back into a shared student flat and went to dance classes. I regularly suffered anxiety attacks and had to leave dancing after only half an hour of attendance. It became a war within myself, where my behaviour and speech was so automatically moderated to be reclusive that the only strategy was gorilla warfare. I purposely placed myself into uncomfortable situations to deny my own habitual mind and subconscious reactions the easy escape. The rush of resolving these situations became a good feeling.
And eventually I met Svetlana. On our first date and in response to the question "what is your most intense experience?" I told her I cheated on my ex, and explained my feelings on how it all came about. It was feeding my addiction to 'awkward situations', but also representative of my new experiments in complete and frank honesty - of not assuming someone else's capacity for truth. It was a gamble, would she realise and respect my honesty? Or would she reveal herself naive and immature, and be uncomfortable with my break from social convention? My honesty provoked her own, where she was relieved of the burden of her own guilt of never-disclosed infidelity. And so began an intense relationship of honesty and pushing boundaries. I guess it was like giving an alcoholic the keys to an off-license.
Roll on to summer 2010. In the later half of 2010 the stress levels between Lana and I started to increase. Unfortunately the carefree summer of love was over. I entered the final year of my PhD without a significant publication, feeling (academically) lost and receiving a kick up the arse from my supervisor. Lana started a Masters in Bath, commuting everyday which was creating distance between us. I started falling ill, which I am sure was self-inflicted due to anxiety and stress. I started to feel too-busy and un-organised, as I escalated my PhD efforts. The distance and stress between Lana and I transforms into worry over expectations and capacity to meet them - despite the fact we started our 'relationship' by declaring we were not in a relationship(!) to avoid the expectations and obligations. And hence there were notes of 'possessiveness' in the summary of 2010.
And so 2011 came around, and the stress for Lana and I continued to escalate. I've not worked out if it is an absolutely bad thing, but I am stubborn with my personal problems. I have felt like I either want to resolve something for myself (like finding solutions to my health) or that there is little another can do for me directly (like fulfilling my PhD). I feel like I am always open to advice, but the execution is my own to conduct as I please. Contrary to this, I think I am predisposed to go out of my way to help someone or something I care for. I regularly met Lana to cycle back with her to my flat, or stayed up late to help her get through coursework deadlines. And I think this is where the balance between us in our relationship began to tip.
I think between Lana and I there developed a cyclical process of growing inadequacy. I think my stress and my lack of time meant I would go out of my way to do things for Lana at every opportunity I could - because I otherwise felt like I was not giving her enough. But my stress and lack of availability also meant I did not let Lana in to help me - I needed to be organised and efficient, feeling obstructed if she asked too much of me or asked me to change my plans. Even now I do not know how I could have integrated her. I feel like I regularly tried to tell her that her love and presence was all I needed - that I needed support through understanding - but I think the things I was doing for Lana made her feel awkward and unincluded in my lifestyle. I was doing lot for her but asking her to be unincluded. Furthermore, Lana became estranged from me, living more in Bath and her dull flat. I think Lana did want more from me, did want to do things to make it easier, but she could not afford to compromise her studies either. Despite all our honesty, expectations (or rather, projected expectations - our own feelings of inadequacy) had crept in to undermine us. And as ambitious young people, no amount of communication was going to offset our commitments and lack of time for each other.
Perhaps the intensity of our relationship over the summer had made us self-obsessed. That is, we believed in the relationship so intensely that we felt the distance between us acutely. We were both trapped inside our heads, worrying about the other, worrying about the state of things, desperately trying to please the other and ride out the turbulence. We had forgotten about the world around us, forgotten about our own capacity to do things in our own time. We were both addicted to pushing each others boundaries but things between us had stalled. Despite all our talk about independence, individuality - even to the point of 'open infidelity' - we had become grossly possessive. Ironically, I think we both became the things we discussed against most often.
Perhaps the most prominent thing from all of the above is that when I am unhappy I begin to work harder. One of the hardest parts of 2011 to explain is joining the start-up business, and my ever increasing involvement as the year progressed. After the extant project in the second year of my PhD I said I would not do another project until I finished my PhD. However, I agreed to do the audio module on the current project as it was small and the most independent component. I am ending the year as one of three company directors and secretary, actively engaging with business networks in Bristol - whilst trying to finish my PhD! I can not blame Lana for asking the question "If you didn't have time for me before, why do you now have time for the business?". I am seeing a cyclical behaviour. I feel like I know I made the choice because it was an opportunity I did not want to exclude myself from, that there was a host of interesting people and work that would continue to push my boundaries. But now I can see a subconscious motive, that I wanted to escape my emotional problems by immersing myself and loosing all my time to work.
Obviously, I consequently had no time for Lana. Combined with our existing feelings of inadequacy, I began to interpret Lana's growing frustrations and attempts to engage me as needy and my sex drive dropped off the chart. I was exhausted, and every time the occasion for sex appeared I felt like there was no chance I could live up to her desires. The negative weight of 'performance' on my sex drive is most evident in the fact that I still masturbated (and felt guilty for this!). By this point, my attempts to satisfy her demands were pitiful - the least of all I regularly agreed to meet her and arrived late. I was trying really hard and failing miserably, digging my own grave. I had become a shambles, the blubbering, excusing-himself boyfriend who couldn't do anything a 15 year old would be eager to do for a mere snatch of pussy.
So I think it is at this point (summer 2011) that I arrived in a position with a sense of crushing expectations, whether they were real or not. It is laughable looking at it now, that I have stacked everything against myself, all in complete denial - everything feels like a logical progression of necessity. And so, since 2007 I have been fighting external validation and confirmation, and remained trapped in its vice-like grip. The only natural thing to do is to begin to shed one's possessions (those things that give personality, that attribute identity) and to remove as many binding obligations as possible. It is almost as if I have engineered the whole thing, subconsciously spinning a web of causality so that being homeless was my only option. It became calculated risk - a gamble on receiving an extension to my bursary that I could then stretch out to meet all my commitments concurrently (and consequently, deny myself alternatives like a paying part-time job, focusing on my PhD, going home to my parents, or confronting my relationship with Lana). Oddly though, I think the subconscious engineering compliments my conscious efforts to push my own boundaries - validation and confirmation are rooted in a lack of faith in myself. I have reduced my 'accessories' to a bare minimum and utilise my time fully to challenge myself.
There is a satisfying symmetry in the fact that when I when I came back from the conference in San Francisco Lana told me she was so emotionally upset that she felt close to infidelity whilst I was away - brushing the exact same escape/coping mechanism as myself a couple of years ago! To her credit, she actually had the courage to confront me and call the situation. She called a break in our relationship, needed to find other men who would appreciate her. I would like to attribute this to all of our previous open and honest discussions, and I continue to believe that frank honesty is the foundation of a relationship. I was upset. But soon I felt relieved of a burden (a sad thing to say). Lana's choice was correct in that it gave me space to meet my commitments, and also in the sense that there were not many other boundaries we were going push together anyway. She did not abandon me, she liberated me (she me asked once, "could you love someone enough to let them go?"). I think I may have been too cowardly to do this myself, despite all my confident assertions.
As soon as the break started I was really upset. The weight of expectations manifested immediately as a sense of failure, and I remarked in my written journal that everything lost its value and felt meaningless - that I had woven her into all my activities and intentions. I guess I believed that I would have my commitments wrapped up and finished in due time. For a few weeks I tucked these feelings away and did not dwell on the issue. When I visited Lana for the first time we had ordinary conversation, but at the very end of the evening I burst into tears when I told her "I miss you", and cried the entire walk home, climbed straight into bed and felt wondrously refreshed in the morning. It was like seeing Lana brought it all to the fore, she pulled the cork and drained me dry. The next time we met I felt as free as a bird.
However, loosing Lana left me in a lonely position. Despite the distance that had grown between us, she had still been my shoulder, my mechanism to relax. Lana and I wrote letters to each other and she had made her feelings clear with sentiments like "I no longer trust you". I found it difficult to talk to anyone else because almost everyone was aghast that I was ok for my partner to sleep with others. In actuality I had a sense of pride in her confident sexual prowess, in her tenacity for living. It also became difficult for me to talk to anyone because no one seems able to understand my motivation to work around the clock and be homeless, and the people I work with are exhausted. Perhaps it has been difficult for me to talk to anyone because I have not really understood my own motivations. In any case, I have spent more time in my written journal than ever before. My written journal helps me to relax, to reflect, and gives all my activities a sense of enjoyable purpose (i.e, 'regardless of outcome, this will be a good entry into the journal'). The newest function of my journal is to remove my personal 'heaviness', as I often find myself too captivated or philosophical, and people seem to feel a (distressing?) responsibility towards me and my mindset. The written journal has become a sponge.
But its not all doom and gloom. In fact, I would say I have experienced more personal growth in 2011 than any previous year. Being homeless has been interesting because it has been a both a denial of personal space whilst also an incredibly solitary affair. Not knowing if and when someone might come to the studio has meant I have had to be disciplined with getting up early and packing away my bedroll. Having a messy bedroom is no longer an option. But there have also been plenty of lonely nights, or periods where I can't be in the studio and have to find another place to be. I'm looking forward to warmer weather so I can return to the woods. Sometimes, the lack of personal space (or should it be, control of personal space?) has meant that even going to a cafe to relax has felt stressful, where I am usually unable to tolerate the ambient noise. I drift like a ghost, finding the ordinary recreation stressful. Consequently, I have taken on hobbies like figure and life drawing (which I can do anywhere), and spend more time making things or playing instruments. I am also reading intensely, more able to be absorbed in books than ever before.
I have also spent a fair amount of time moving between houses for short periods. This has been another humbling experience, choosing different ways to explain myself each time. It has meant learning to introduce myself, to laugh at myself, to welcome myself into anothers home and to be at ease when taking advantage(!) of people and their resources. I have met more people this year than any other year of my life, and consequently, feel much more able of contacting someone to socialise. I think my personal humility and the high number of people I have met has planted a new interest in me - an interest in people for all their character. In the last house, my greatest pleasure was to make a cup of tea and sit in the kitchen, waiting for chance encounters with any of the residents or visitors. It was a delight to talk to them, or rather, encourage them to talk to me and to listen, and also to watch how the house functions. I am finding a pleasure in simply experiencing people, and delighting in all their human qualities (good or bad, not passing any judgment - but accepting them as delightful creatures).
Increasing my commitment to the business has been a massive area of growth for me. From the beginning I voiced concerns that I appear too young to be taken seriously. Major progress for me have been small things like having letters from colleagues addressed to both David and myself (stealing his influence!), up to more recently everybody (volunteers and otherwise) looking to me for advice and shaking my hand before they left the building. This is a massive transition for me, a major landmark. With this has also come a more proactive attitude. I have initiated important dialogues regarding funding and projects, and always confront my colleagues as to our behaviours, approaches and presence of person. Clear communication has become a personal challenge, as has learning the merits and methods of professionalism. I am actually feeling transformed; capable of starting something, doing something, and inspiring others - not just being a good student and a nice (and reclusive!) guy. Perhaps a good indication of my significantly changed perception of self and presence of person has been modeling nude for life drawing.
Of course, these things come at a cost. I have been exceptionally fatigued. The week before our latest business demo day / big meeting I fell ill. It was undoubtedly a return of stress caused illness. It pretty obvious, it started with a day where I said "Sorry David, I'm just feeling overwhelmed". And then there is a short list of interactions I had which just seemed to destroy my psychology. I became mentally disabled, and then ended up with stomach cramps for two days. It has been my most severe burnout yet - what seems to be a biological mechanism to force me to take a break. My PhD has suffered too. I have done the bare minimum to complete the process. I have handed in a draft and made some basic revisions. My supervisors have done an exceptionally poor job of reviewing my thesis - no feedback for 4 months. This is partially my fault, as I have been so exhausted and anxious I have allowed the situation to continue.
Another downside has been little opportunity to take advantage of the break from Lana, to explore and to think. I could have traveled, conducted relationships or simply had time to reflect. Instead, occupied by my commitments, I have only watched transformations in Lana. Thankfully, we have had the maturity to resolve our differences and continue to talk openly, to discuss our thoughts and experiences. I have watched her move from defiant and resolute, to hurt and humiliated and more recently a gain in her personal resolve and independence. Through this I have had complimentary moods, and above all I have been tested for my faith in the relationship. I do not feel obligated to have an equal share of sexual encounters, but I expect I will like some time to myself once my commitments are reduced to pull myself together.
Lana and I have had several discussions that have revolved around similar topics. I think one of the most prominent has been an assessment of her demands of me, which came to bare when she was in regret over the break decision and wanted me back. Lana confessed the grass had been greener and concluded she had simply wanted intimacy all along. She wanted to force our situation, to which I had to assert that no good would come of it as I still have no time, I would fail (again) to give her the attention she craves. Through this we deduced (over many conversations) that she has wanted to be loved, rather than giving love unconditionally. Of course she does love me, but I think we have also suffered her greater need to be loved - which I definitely can not satisfy currently, and I fundamentally disagree with. As far as I am concerned, this break is as much a part of our relationship as what occurred before - it is all the same shared journey, and there is nothing to formally reconvene. It will either continue to grow, or one of us will move on.
Time and time again she has complained that I am not jealous; this troubles me most. This break has helped me realise and confirm my belief that love should have absolutely nothing to do with possessiveness. Lana is not my property. I want to live with her. If she inspires me to love her, she can inspire other men to love her. Another mans love has no consequence on my own. And I also think it is not a crime for her to love another. Would the world not be a better place with an infinite capacity for love? I feel I could love her for her love of another. What a beautiful thing falling in love is, why should my existence deny her such experiences? However the most satisfying thing is witnessing Lana reflect personally and challenge me. Least of all I want a clone, or an extension of my ego - some kind of paul cancer. I want her to be herself, defiantly so. And she is growing, quickly! I am not worried about how things will pan out with Lana. I have realised the depth of my love takes pleasure in giving her absolute liberty.
I think the above can be misconstrued to mean "I want absolute liberty...", "I want to fall in love again..", but I don't believe that is my sentiment. Recently Lana said to me "But I don't want to sleep with others anymore, I no longer want anyone but you", and she has been turning the whole situation around into "I hope you get this out of your system soon, go and sleep with girls". But from my point of view, I have not had that desire, even if my sex drive had declined. It seems to me that the root is that Lana is unhappy with my unpossessive philosophy. This year my thoughts are crystalising on the belief that if people were less possessive of one another then people could communicate without fear of reprisal - and that is key.
People should live for themselves but give love freely, and thus live life together, communicate life together, share the process of living; not fear communication for signs of abandonment, fear communication for disrupting the illusion of a perfect marriage of fundamentally different people. I also think, tentatively, that giving absolute liberty (and thus the freedom to communicate) will result in happier, more robust relationships that do not necessarily lead to partners gaily satisfying themselves with other partners. If a love has to be pursued, then so be it. In the long run of things, people are not to be owned and commanded. If I can not find beauty in another persons freewill, determination, and taste for living - I do not deserve to co-habitate with another person. But two people who act entirely through love for the other will ultimately live life together happily - and consequently mutually benefit from feeling loved. There is no need for an external doctrine of what a relationship should be. I feel people need to be confident about themselves, their motivations and their presence of person. All else follows.
All of these recent things can occasionally make me feel at odds with everything. After a bad day, especially when I am tired, I lose my new gained interest in people and instead feel bored of people. This feels like the most precarious part of my current mindset. It is such a stark boredom that I suddenly feel absolutely alone. It can feel bored of English culture, not just people. The boredom transforms into an intolerance of insincerity, of pretenses and of peoples ignorance of living (which all sound hilariously arrogant!). And I am also struggling to escape my new 'ghetto lifestyle', as it has brought me efficiency, discipline, awareness (of myself, of simplicities) and made me an opportunist (to invitations, to resources). Sometimes I consider casting of the last of my commitments and running away. But I know losing a few more things will transform me into a bum with no motivations at all.
The reality of my situation is that I benefit most from being in Bristol. To stay there, I will need to earn money in the very least to feed and maintain myself. I also know that an abode will improve my efficiency by granting me a better diet, a better sleeping pattern and personal space. I also have a list of things to do to stay on the right side of the (tax) law - which makes good sense. It makes good sense to make as much effort as I can to finish my PhD successfully. The way I have been working is also not sustainable. As habitual as working through all of my waking hours has become, I need to make time to take care of myself (physically, psychologically, socially). I have seen a decline in my cognitive behaviours - mostly forgetfulness (leaving possessions behind, not knowing what day it is, or quite often what I did in the morning).
Finally, whilst Lana was staying with my family for Christmas she had a conversation with my dad. His concern for me was that I do not value myself, I work too hard and that I do too much for free. He is worried my supervisor is using me. I think this is a good criticism for me to hear, and I should weigh up all my activities, where everyones motives lie, and consider myself a valuable resource.
I think therefore my resolutions for 2012 should be:
1) Earn money.
2) Find somewhere to live.
3) Scale back my working commitments (to sane hours).
4) Be capable of touching my toes again by 2013.
And my aims should be:
1) Finish the PhD.
2) Invest myself fully in the business.
3) Save up money (again...).
4) Continue to believe in myself, in my developments of thought.
5) Be assertive and take a period of time entirely for myself, grow my independence further.
6) Continue to grow my interest in people.
I think if I can do the above list 2012 could be a very good year. In contrast to 2011, 2012 could end up being very relaxing, a very satisfying year - and remain a good challenge and period of growth. I'm not sure how many times I can repeat 2011. However, I think 2012 could be one of my hardest years yet. There is a strong chance, given my supervisors have not read my thesis and I have run out of money, that finishing the PhD is going to be an ordeal. Therefore, I think for 2012 I need to neither an optimist or a pessimist - I must simply do. I have lots to do.
I was gifted £200 by my parents. I have £200 to get me back to to Bristol and bootstrap myself into 2012.