(no subject)
This evening Lana broke up with me. Some how I knew it was coming. I'm upset that I let things go so far that she felt compelled to do so. Whilst I was in San Francisco I was paranoid there was going to be an earthquake, I even thought I felt tremors, so maybe I've just been abnormally paranoid. There were some tell-tale signs though, like a lack of replies to messages and short curt ones when I got them.
The evening began with the same mistake I have been making for months. I gave an optimistic estimation of when I would be free to meet up. The meeting was over running, I asked if she would walk to the studio to meet me and she declined. This process of making compromises I can't keep has slowly been whittling away our relationship.
I'm now sitting in the studio. For a while I listened to the lights buzzing and the occasional rattling of the shutter door in the wind. I have some blues on now. Time to sing out my woes. I told David I feel stupid. I think that might be the best description of how I feel, but I am being swept away in a river of hurting feelings.
I think I feel stupid because of how strongly I feel for Lana, and for all the good times we have had together. I can see a montage or slide show of all the good things - riding two to a bike seems to stand out strongest. I feel stupid because I know that she broke up with me for a lack of sexual gratification. I'm embarrassed that this is perhaps the worst kind of male failing. I feel stupid because of how often I masturbated, and how easy it would have been to have redirected that sexual energy into preserving something I obviously valued.
I'm in the studio now, and I want to write that this place feels meaningless. Rationally I know that this place hasn't changed at all. But I think I under appreciated how much value Lana gave me. Whilst I walked back in the spotting rain I felt ridiculous in my suit. I felt like a nobody, so took it off. I knew I had to walk back into the studio, and I had told David my suspicion before I left.
I managed to hold back tears the whole way home. I was amused at how I had to inhale deeply to exercise control. My eye sockets hurt, and it felt like my face was being dragged down by weights. My body was preparing for the outburst. It is so strange that we relieve ourselves in this way. It's function must be to visually and audibly express ourselves to others, and therefore, crying has evolved to feel "good". Holding it back was just making it worse.
Lana and I bought a drink. Actually, I spotted her at the bar and went and posed next to her at the bar. Playful, cheeky. I asked who she was with since she alluded to it in a message. For some reason it came out sharp - despite how open I am to promiscuity. I needed to relax. After chatting for a while, Lana composed herself and then became immediately tense and stuck for words. This is it, here it comes. I could see she had been sitting on this whilst I had been away. I could see it was stressful.
I took the lead. I told her it was ok. I told her I admired her courage to say something. I told her not to worry. I gave a case study to work out the specifics of the situation. I even told her that we should have hot break-up sex, but that I had to get back to the studio. What an arrogant fuck. I think I was afraid and scared, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. I believe most of what I said, but it is not what I was feeling, not what I am feeling now. And now I feel like I should of expressed myself, not tried to remedy the situation quickly.
Towards the end I was getting quiet and starring off. The more typical response for me, my mind turning inwards and withdrawing from the real world. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we headed off in different directions. I immediately started feeling afraid that I had lost something, something I am incapable of replacing. Our chance meeting at dancing. Even though the entire conversation was pitched as a 'break'.
When I got into the studio David asked how it went. "Badly. ...well, good I suppose", was my response. I headed to the kettle to make some tea. How very English. He started probing and I crumbled. Three more occasions I cried into his shoulder. He gave me the "plenty more fish...", but I was just feeling stupid and confused. I was also really conscious that Rob was in the room watching me. I didn't look at him at all. The male psyche is a strange thing.
This may be the best and only thing that could have happened. In my fantasy world, I would have sorted out the PhD, business and house situation and then returned to the idyllic relationship status we had in the beginning, maybe by Christmas. Lana has also had a tough time; visa troubles and tough short masters courses, meeting her parents expectations, stranded from her culture. But the truth is that it hasn't been working. It is no wonder she has felt rejected when I placed her so low in my list of priorities - and there is no denying that. Only now am I appraising my priorities and wondering if I had it right.
I think the loss of value in the studio I felt immediately after is symbolic of how much faith I have (had?) in our relationship, in that I have not been working entirely selfishly. But I think realistically we are both in positions of ambition, positions of identity crisis and positions of existential crisis. I might feel sure of myself, but my circumstances are the furthest thing from secure, and that is causing my personality to falter. I think Lana is very much unsure of who she is, what she values, and what constitutes living.
Other than not meeting her sexual needs, Lana also said that she feels dependent on me and that she wants to regain her independence. I think this is such a insightful and mature thing to say. It tells me that she is reflecting on her self, rather than simply externalising her problems. Given that my brother always called me a 'know it all', I am a bit worried that I might engineer situations to allow me to to force my opinions. If this is true, I might never escape this situation. But in any case, I'm glad that Lana wants to explore herself before we did anything more serious.
I think her feeling dependent on me is also a symptom or reason for her feeling rejected by me. I think that she has perhaps tried everything she can to meet my needs, but only been met by the same stressed and preoccupied Paul. This must of been a horrible process of feeling like she was putting in a lot to no return. I think for me, I have interpreted her as being needy and I find this unattractive. I think perceiving neediness relates somehow to expectations, to which I am afraid of failing. I think what we both need is some more self-confidence.
I am feeling troubled about my situation. In the last blog post I mentioned the mess of November; closing the PhD, finding a job and somewhere to live. Lana has helped me with a hefty dose of realism. I think for the first time I have felt - emotionally - possessive and a sense of loss. I am feeling adrift and lost with regards to my intentions. What am I doing? What should I do? I am glad that Lana has forced the situation.
I think I also have to step into her shoes. If she has been feeling dependent and rejected, sexually refuted, then telling your partner to go away must be an immensely hard thing to do. She might want to gain independence, but thats not a great position to start from. I hope she is OK, I hope she is not feeling lonely. It upsets me to think she had a miserable time in her last house and I didn't try harder. I don't want to undermine Lana, as she is also the most beautiful and intelligent girl I know. I just hope she just doesn't feel like she has to do this thing alone, and step onto a downward spiral. I really care for her, for her well fare. I'm sure she is more than capable. Suddenly, I have no influence on someone I care for deeply.
In a way, I hope she finds what she needs. We spoke about having an open relationship, but were both too possessive and hesitant to take the step. It grew from nothing, with only a hint of a formal relationship. In a way our relationship was ridiculously intense. We were always pushing each other around, pushing each others boundaries. Friends warned us we were burning the candle at both ends. Maybe this a good time for us both to cool off and find a sense of normality. Some of our problems could just be caused by the extreme expectations we had of each other when ever we met. Normal people do normal things - I can't list that much that was mundane between us. Maybe we need to find that simpler aspect of ourselves, and appreciate it in the other person.
I've been trying to work out how the next period of time is going to pan out. I feel like I am coming down a bit, after writing this out. But it is easy to trip myself up. I feel like writing an email to my supervisor telling him I need the rest of this week off to recover, and take myself away to some mountains. But I'm not so sure being along is what I need. A part of me thinks I should sweep the whole lot into a recess of my mind and do what needs to be done - its what has been fucking things up after all. I think if I wanted, I could become a new person tomorrow, but it is not the advice I would give. But if I don't do that, then Lana was also my closest friend, so there is a gaping hole there too. I socialised with Lana, she was my go-to for relaxing.
It had to happen eventually. I think I'm going to be on a bit of a rollercoaster. I had plans, intentions and dreams. I think it had to happen. But I don't know what it means. I feel like an idiot. But I think I have to enjoy the process. With this jet lag, I could keep writing all night.
At the end of the month my mum goes to hospital for a histerectomy. It is like the ultimate insult to her womanhood, a horrible and cruel manifestation of aging. She came to speak to me, but didn't have much to say. We discussed the procedure in short sentences. We stood looking in different directions. She asked when I would be home next and I said Christmas. I'm going home at the end of the month.
The evening began with the same mistake I have been making for months. I gave an optimistic estimation of when I would be free to meet up. The meeting was over running, I asked if she would walk to the studio to meet me and she declined. This process of making compromises I can't keep has slowly been whittling away our relationship.
I'm now sitting in the studio. For a while I listened to the lights buzzing and the occasional rattling of the shutter door in the wind. I have some blues on now. Time to sing out my woes. I told David I feel stupid. I think that might be the best description of how I feel, but I am being swept away in a river of hurting feelings.
I think I feel stupid because of how strongly I feel for Lana, and for all the good times we have had together. I can see a montage or slide show of all the good things - riding two to a bike seems to stand out strongest. I feel stupid because I know that she broke up with me for a lack of sexual gratification. I'm embarrassed that this is perhaps the worst kind of male failing. I feel stupid because of how often I masturbated, and how easy it would have been to have redirected that sexual energy into preserving something I obviously valued.
I'm in the studio now, and I want to write that this place feels meaningless. Rationally I know that this place hasn't changed at all. But I think I under appreciated how much value Lana gave me. Whilst I walked back in the spotting rain I felt ridiculous in my suit. I felt like a nobody, so took it off. I knew I had to walk back into the studio, and I had told David my suspicion before I left.
I managed to hold back tears the whole way home. I was amused at how I had to inhale deeply to exercise control. My eye sockets hurt, and it felt like my face was being dragged down by weights. My body was preparing for the outburst. It is so strange that we relieve ourselves in this way. It's function must be to visually and audibly express ourselves to others, and therefore, crying has evolved to feel "good". Holding it back was just making it worse.
Lana and I bought a drink. Actually, I spotted her at the bar and went and posed next to her at the bar. Playful, cheeky. I asked who she was with since she alluded to it in a message. For some reason it came out sharp - despite how open I am to promiscuity. I needed to relax. After chatting for a while, Lana composed herself and then became immediately tense and stuck for words. This is it, here it comes. I could see she had been sitting on this whilst I had been away. I could see it was stressful.
I took the lead. I told her it was ok. I told her I admired her courage to say something. I told her not to worry. I gave a case study to work out the specifics of the situation. I even told her that we should have hot break-up sex, but that I had to get back to the studio. What an arrogant fuck. I think I was afraid and scared, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. I believe most of what I said, but it is not what I was feeling, not what I am feeling now. And now I feel like I should of expressed myself, not tried to remedy the situation quickly.
Towards the end I was getting quiet and starring off. The more typical response for me, my mind turning inwards and withdrawing from the real world. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we headed off in different directions. I immediately started feeling afraid that I had lost something, something I am incapable of replacing. Our chance meeting at dancing. Even though the entire conversation was pitched as a 'break'.
When I got into the studio David asked how it went. "Badly. ...well, good I suppose", was my response. I headed to the kettle to make some tea. How very English. He started probing and I crumbled. Three more occasions I cried into his shoulder. He gave me the "plenty more fish...", but I was just feeling stupid and confused. I was also really conscious that Rob was in the room watching me. I didn't look at him at all. The male psyche is a strange thing.
This may be the best and only thing that could have happened. In my fantasy world, I would have sorted out the PhD, business and house situation and then returned to the idyllic relationship status we had in the beginning, maybe by Christmas. Lana has also had a tough time; visa troubles and tough short masters courses, meeting her parents expectations, stranded from her culture. But the truth is that it hasn't been working. It is no wonder she has felt rejected when I placed her so low in my list of priorities - and there is no denying that. Only now am I appraising my priorities and wondering if I had it right.
I think the loss of value in the studio I felt immediately after is symbolic of how much faith I have (had?) in our relationship, in that I have not been working entirely selfishly. But I think realistically we are both in positions of ambition, positions of identity crisis and positions of existential crisis. I might feel sure of myself, but my circumstances are the furthest thing from secure, and that is causing my personality to falter. I think Lana is very much unsure of who she is, what she values, and what constitutes living.
Other than not meeting her sexual needs, Lana also said that she feels dependent on me and that she wants to regain her independence. I think this is such a insightful and mature thing to say. It tells me that she is reflecting on her self, rather than simply externalising her problems. Given that my brother always called me a 'know it all', I am a bit worried that I might engineer situations to allow me to to force my opinions. If this is true, I might never escape this situation. But in any case, I'm glad that Lana wants to explore herself before we did anything more serious.
I think her feeling dependent on me is also a symptom or reason for her feeling rejected by me. I think that she has perhaps tried everything she can to meet my needs, but only been met by the same stressed and preoccupied Paul. This must of been a horrible process of feeling like she was putting in a lot to no return. I think for me, I have interpreted her as being needy and I find this unattractive. I think perceiving neediness relates somehow to expectations, to which I am afraid of failing. I think what we both need is some more self-confidence.
I am feeling troubled about my situation. In the last blog post I mentioned the mess of November; closing the PhD, finding a job and somewhere to live. Lana has helped me with a hefty dose of realism. I think for the first time I have felt - emotionally - possessive and a sense of loss. I am feeling adrift and lost with regards to my intentions. What am I doing? What should I do? I am glad that Lana has forced the situation.
I think I also have to step into her shoes. If she has been feeling dependent and rejected, sexually refuted, then telling your partner to go away must be an immensely hard thing to do. She might want to gain independence, but thats not a great position to start from. I hope she is OK, I hope she is not feeling lonely. It upsets me to think she had a miserable time in her last house and I didn't try harder. I don't want to undermine Lana, as she is also the most beautiful and intelligent girl I know. I just hope she just doesn't feel like she has to do this thing alone, and step onto a downward spiral. I really care for her, for her well fare. I'm sure she is more than capable. Suddenly, I have no influence on someone I care for deeply.
In a way, I hope she finds what she needs. We spoke about having an open relationship, but were both too possessive and hesitant to take the step. It grew from nothing, with only a hint of a formal relationship. In a way our relationship was ridiculously intense. We were always pushing each other around, pushing each others boundaries. Friends warned us we were burning the candle at both ends. Maybe this a good time for us both to cool off and find a sense of normality. Some of our problems could just be caused by the extreme expectations we had of each other when ever we met. Normal people do normal things - I can't list that much that was mundane between us. Maybe we need to find that simpler aspect of ourselves, and appreciate it in the other person.
I've been trying to work out how the next period of time is going to pan out. I feel like I am coming down a bit, after writing this out. But it is easy to trip myself up. I feel like writing an email to my supervisor telling him I need the rest of this week off to recover, and take myself away to some mountains. But I'm not so sure being along is what I need. A part of me thinks I should sweep the whole lot into a recess of my mind and do what needs to be done - its what has been fucking things up after all. I think if I wanted, I could become a new person tomorrow, but it is not the advice I would give. But if I don't do that, then Lana was also my closest friend, so there is a gaping hole there too. I socialised with Lana, she was my go-to for relaxing.
It had to happen eventually. I think I'm going to be on a bit of a rollercoaster. I had plans, intentions and dreams. I think it had to happen. But I don't know what it means. I feel like an idiot. But I think I have to enjoy the process. With this jet lag, I could keep writing all night.
At the end of the month my mum goes to hospital for a histerectomy. It is like the ultimate insult to her womanhood, a horrible and cruel manifestation of aging. She came to speak to me, but didn't have much to say. We discussed the procedure in short sentences. We stood looking in different directions. She asked when I would be home next and I said Christmas. I'm going home at the end of the month.