The End of 2010
Well, 2010 feels like a bit of an odd year. I can't put my finger on it, but I think the uncertainty and to-do list of 2011 are putting a dampener on it when it was actually quite remarkable. It feels too early to celebrate, or something.
But 2010 was pretty cool I guess. I travelled to New York and Russia. I also went camping to the Lake District, hiking in Wales and surfing in Devon. We had a few parties at the flat, and I had a great time with the various Invisible Circus nights in town (and a growing community of friends). I think it was 2010 that I found my dancing feet, starting the year with intensive weekend dance workshops. In the summer I was ill through the Lindy Exchange, but I helped with the tour of Bristol and the canal boat trip in Bath. I was the mad scientist in the murder mystery with the swing dancers at haloween. At some point later in the year I filled in for a dance part in a theater production at the Tobacco Factory (gaining confidence!). My friend David really helped me come out of my shell a bit, and inspire me to think beyond the PhD and all those things we 'should' be doing. I published my first paper at the TAROS conference in Plymouth, and participated in an ethics debate with the EPSRC later in the year. I played my part (and some more) in 'The Question' with the open university, Adam and David; providing haptic navigation units for a theater production, which eventually paid for all my travels (...just). I bought a shiny new bike and it has become my faithful steed to work, although I've had an accident or two (which were required to grant me new wisdom I think). I've seen a couple of live bands this year, but the pinnacle has to have been Devin Townsend. The thing I am most grateful for is meeting Svetlana, who compliments me in every way and feels like my soul mate.
But it has not all been great. I have been ill a lot this year I think, mostly always something symptomatic of food poisoning or upset digestion. I have not recorded the instances, but I will put it down to stress. Most recently, I experienced the most uncomfortable thing yet, drinking 3 litres of exceptionally strong laxative and having exploratory bowel surgery. They found and removed a lump, but I have not received the biopsy yet. A humorous instance was my first attempt to grow a beard, in which an in-growing hair became infected and my face swelled up within a weekend. I have also suffered type 2 haemorrhoids on and off, but I at least I seem to be able to manage them enough that the surgeon left me alone. I have cavities in at least two of my teeth (that I can see). Perhaps the most irritating thing I have picked up this year is my sore lower back, which at one point was so painful it took me a minute or so to straighten out when standing up from a chair. This has been the most persistent, and strikes with little warning and causes shooting pains down my legs. It turns out my legs are the cause (at least, the most convincing diagnosis), and I have been lax at stretching them to help myself. Currently, turning 26, I can not stand tall and lift my leg straight to place it on a chair, or remaining sitting and lift my legs out straight in front of me - without severe pain in my lower back.
I think that last bit, about not being able to lift my legs whilst they are straightened, is the most telling of my current state of mind and body. Today I went for a long walk with my sister and mother, and I couldn't help but frown at their conversation (bitching and work/living place politics). But really, I can't even touch my toes! Who am I to cast judgement? I got an achey shoulder at one point and I don't know why, I wasn't even carrying anything. And at another time the shooting pains appeared in my left leg. I ignored them both, but it made me wonder how many people silently carry ailments? I think I have become too used to having certain aches, and I have been very lazy about addressing them. I frequently tell myself I am too busy to do 'things' but really, I haven't spent that much of this year doing what I am supposed to be doing - PhD! I have been travelling and dancing and all sorts. I do not regret it, but I am looking at myself and realising I have been massively unorganised. It wouldn't be a problem if I was feeling 100% good about it, but there was a time when I could do the splits, loops on a high bar and somersault a horse. I think that having the mindset to not look after myself properly can only be a bad omen.
I really enjoy Lanas company. So much so that I sometimes imagine worst case scenarios. It annoys me that I might not be fun to be around because I can't jump about or run around, because my back hurts. It annoys me that I have lost weight and muscle mass, that I am becoming a weedy version of myself. It annoys me that I stopped doing any martial arts a long time ago, and I don't feel 100% confident I could protect Lana and come away unscathed myself. I'm making assumptions about what Lana wants in me, but these things annoy me because I don't feel like I could travel on a whim, or take part in something spontaneously.
But other than health and fitness, I think I also have a responsibility to secure my future intellectually. I have worked hard to get here, and I am getting tired and bored. But it would be foolish to let it slide away, or convince myself I don't need or want it. It is not necessarily about the achievement or gain, but about providing choice and opportunity. I think Lanas dad became a highly successful business man because of the necessity of a child. I should be smart enough not to need that necessity to motivate me. And if I want to hold on to a smart characterful girl like Lana, then I shouldn't let myself go at the last hurdle.
So I think I could make a long long list of things I want to do or fix for 2011, but really it seems to all come down to being better organised. I think my goal for 2011 is to bring structure back into my lifestyle. Growing up, my parents were strict about bed time and waking up time, and we had activities planned around school.
I want 2011 to begin with a healthy routine of stretches in the morning.
*
Well, I went to the Shirley look out point with my father and watched the all the fireworks launching over London. It was a bit cloudy, we could not see the landmarks. We could hear more than we could see. I was surprised so many people were up there, but it was not so many it was uncomfortable. Infact, I was glad it was a small group of people and not chavs and pikelings. When everyone cheered happy new year, my dad and I remained silent but gave a chuckle afterwards. We are remarkably similar.
On the way home, I decided to ask my dad how similar he thought he is to his father. I have not really breached this topic with my father because I have vague memories of the only time my father cried at the funeral of his father. I was too young to comprehend what was occurring, and my my father is private man. However, he responded. I found it amusing that he described his father as stern and short tempered for lack of better words, and secretive, so that he doesnt really know just how similar he is. I don't know why, but I didn't tell my dad that is exactly how I would describe him. I guess that is how similar I am to my own dad.
We talked about his father some more and I learned some more things. I was surprised to find out that my grandfather was atheist, and did not look approvingly upon my dads choice to become a catholic. I had assumed my father inherited his faith from his parents like my mother did. But he said that when he was around 10 he spent a lot of time at a Nunnery, and after failing his exams a friend in the local church got him into a catholic school. He said this was the worst thing for him though, as it was learn by wrote (not hands on) and his lack of math stopped him from studying the sciences which he enjoyed most.
My grandfather sounds like an interesting person. He was a medic during the second world war, and had many tours of service in various countries. Before the war he was an accountant, so not trained in science by choice. My grandmother was also heavily involved in the war as the part of the land army. I like the fact that my grandparents were involved, but i guess everybody's ancestors were, as it was a world war and we are here to tell the tail. Apparently my grandfather was a desert rat, but he also served in palestine and italy, among other places. My grandfather refused to talk about the war, his experiences, and kept nothing. The only thing he did remark on was that VD was disgusting, and whores. I wonder if this influenced my fathers catholicism? My dad briefly mentioned that his parents involvement in the war was probably a reason for their unsettled relationship. My grandfather suffered severe sleep disruption for the rest of his life, and a highly volatile temperament.
My dad almost seemed sad that he did not know much about his father. He said that he knew even less about his uncle (his fathers brother) as the guy died flying a plane after the war. I remarked that it is sad that we know little, but everybody passes through and must leave behind so much, that will always be forgotten. He agreed. His uncle was called patrick, which is my fathers second name. I told my dad that I would like to call one of my sons Benjamin.
It was great to get out the house and watch the fireworks. Even though we couldn't see much, I think I will remember the brief conversation with my father. We always seem to communicate more through actions than words. I will remember standing with my dad watching the colours over london.
*
2011 looks busy. I must finish my PhD. It seems as though I will be doing lab work into the summer, and most likely writing up my thesis from home. My supervisor has made it clear that there is no more money to support me beyond september. It seems quite common for students to find a job in the lab as a post-doc as long as there is a project/funding available. Of course, it depends on my supervisors opinion of me, and I could transfer into another robotic discipline. I am not sure if i want to stay in the lab, although the work ethic is awesome and the pay would be good. If I really wanted to stay, I would plan to write a funding bid with my supervisor for a project (or show some interest!). Only time will tell here.
My tenancy on the flat expires in June which is a few months short of my bursary. Again, I think only time will tell how that pans out. If I have started my write up I will be in a good position to go home and save the last quarter of my bursary. If I have lab work to continue, I will most surely need to hang around in Bristol. I think my flat mate tom is running on a slower schedule than me, so I feel reasonably confident that we might look for somewhere together. It could come down to every man for himself however.
Starting immediately, I must push to get my recent experiment idea conducted and analysed. It is going to be a painful process as there are many components and it is quite complex. However, my supervisor seems confident that this could be the core of my thesis, which would simply require some supporting material. This is good news. However, I am almost certain that after the first 30 hours of experiments, he will want me to alter the scenario and re-conduct the experiment. I also have the issue of meeting the submission deadlines. The ones I have looked into all fall within now to March. At the very least, I need a draft of a paper with preliminary results to submit, which they may look favourably upon with a request for more. Publishing papers is now my primary objective. Any papers will make my thesis substantially easier to write. I am a publishing machine! Or should will be.
On a side, my friends have formed a business collective called Rusty Squid which I am involved in, but have given no contribution too. I really need to make a contribution this year. It might mean something like dancing will take a hit, but there is no reason why I should not be able to give it some of my time if I am more organised. Recently I have been programming a 2d rpg in my spare time for fun. Rusty Squid is fun, I need to give them my time. If Rusty Squid works out, I have a job lined up for when I finish my PhD. A job where I will do cool stuff, in flexi time, with great contacts.
2011 is all about september. It will be a year of change which I have been craving for a while. I need to make sure that the desire doesnt turn into fear. I am excited because it is also a time of change for Lana. I want to see how things work out between us. I am a little afraid that we will be forced to go in different directions. I have confidence that we will hold it together, even if we do have to go our own ways. I think I am afraid of distance and the potential to grow apart. I think I am feeling possessive and afraid that someone might notice how awesome she is without me to defend my claim to her haha. I think recently I have been talking a lot about how much I want to travel, which is a bit unfair because Lana does not know what will happen with regard to her visa, and whether she will need to get a job. I talk about travelling as if it is certain, and I have no regard for her companionship and feelings. I think I need to change that a little, as we have both invested in each other and placed our hearts at the others mercy.
Hopefully in a years time I will be writing about my triumph over fitness and the PhD. I need to thank my friends more, and be less of a social recluse. Some of my friends are a real inspiration, and I am looking forward to spending more time with them.
But 2010 was pretty cool I guess. I travelled to New York and Russia. I also went camping to the Lake District, hiking in Wales and surfing in Devon. We had a few parties at the flat, and I had a great time with the various Invisible Circus nights in town (and a growing community of friends). I think it was 2010 that I found my dancing feet, starting the year with intensive weekend dance workshops. In the summer I was ill through the Lindy Exchange, but I helped with the tour of Bristol and the canal boat trip in Bath. I was the mad scientist in the murder mystery with the swing dancers at haloween. At some point later in the year I filled in for a dance part in a theater production at the Tobacco Factory (gaining confidence!). My friend David really helped me come out of my shell a bit, and inspire me to think beyond the PhD and all those things we 'should' be doing. I published my first paper at the TAROS conference in Plymouth, and participated in an ethics debate with the EPSRC later in the year. I played my part (and some more) in 'The Question' with the open university, Adam and David; providing haptic navigation units for a theater production, which eventually paid for all my travels (...just). I bought a shiny new bike and it has become my faithful steed to work, although I've had an accident or two (which were required to grant me new wisdom I think). I've seen a couple of live bands this year, but the pinnacle has to have been Devin Townsend. The thing I am most grateful for is meeting Svetlana, who compliments me in every way and feels like my soul mate.
But it has not all been great. I have been ill a lot this year I think, mostly always something symptomatic of food poisoning or upset digestion. I have not recorded the instances, but I will put it down to stress. Most recently, I experienced the most uncomfortable thing yet, drinking 3 litres of exceptionally strong laxative and having exploratory bowel surgery. They found and removed a lump, but I have not received the biopsy yet. A humorous instance was my first attempt to grow a beard, in which an in-growing hair became infected and my face swelled up within a weekend. I have also suffered type 2 haemorrhoids on and off, but I at least I seem to be able to manage them enough that the surgeon left me alone. I have cavities in at least two of my teeth (that I can see). Perhaps the most irritating thing I have picked up this year is my sore lower back, which at one point was so painful it took me a minute or so to straighten out when standing up from a chair. This has been the most persistent, and strikes with little warning and causes shooting pains down my legs. It turns out my legs are the cause (at least, the most convincing diagnosis), and I have been lax at stretching them to help myself. Currently, turning 26, I can not stand tall and lift my leg straight to place it on a chair, or remaining sitting and lift my legs out straight in front of me - without severe pain in my lower back.
I think that last bit, about not being able to lift my legs whilst they are straightened, is the most telling of my current state of mind and body. Today I went for a long walk with my sister and mother, and I couldn't help but frown at their conversation (bitching and work/living place politics). But really, I can't even touch my toes! Who am I to cast judgement? I got an achey shoulder at one point and I don't know why, I wasn't even carrying anything. And at another time the shooting pains appeared in my left leg. I ignored them both, but it made me wonder how many people silently carry ailments? I think I have become too used to having certain aches, and I have been very lazy about addressing them. I frequently tell myself I am too busy to do 'things' but really, I haven't spent that much of this year doing what I am supposed to be doing - PhD! I have been travelling and dancing and all sorts. I do not regret it, but I am looking at myself and realising I have been massively unorganised. It wouldn't be a problem if I was feeling 100% good about it, but there was a time when I could do the splits, loops on a high bar and somersault a horse. I think that having the mindset to not look after myself properly can only be a bad omen.
I really enjoy Lanas company. So much so that I sometimes imagine worst case scenarios. It annoys me that I might not be fun to be around because I can't jump about or run around, because my back hurts. It annoys me that I have lost weight and muscle mass, that I am becoming a weedy version of myself. It annoys me that I stopped doing any martial arts a long time ago, and I don't feel 100% confident I could protect Lana and come away unscathed myself. I'm making assumptions about what Lana wants in me, but these things annoy me because I don't feel like I could travel on a whim, or take part in something spontaneously.
But other than health and fitness, I think I also have a responsibility to secure my future intellectually. I have worked hard to get here, and I am getting tired and bored. But it would be foolish to let it slide away, or convince myself I don't need or want it. It is not necessarily about the achievement or gain, but about providing choice and opportunity. I think Lanas dad became a highly successful business man because of the necessity of a child. I should be smart enough not to need that necessity to motivate me. And if I want to hold on to a smart characterful girl like Lana, then I shouldn't let myself go at the last hurdle.
So I think I could make a long long list of things I want to do or fix for 2011, but really it seems to all come down to being better organised. I think my goal for 2011 is to bring structure back into my lifestyle. Growing up, my parents were strict about bed time and waking up time, and we had activities planned around school.
I want 2011 to begin with a healthy routine of stretches in the morning.
*
Well, I went to the Shirley look out point with my father and watched the all the fireworks launching over London. It was a bit cloudy, we could not see the landmarks. We could hear more than we could see. I was surprised so many people were up there, but it was not so many it was uncomfortable. Infact, I was glad it was a small group of people and not chavs and pikelings. When everyone cheered happy new year, my dad and I remained silent but gave a chuckle afterwards. We are remarkably similar.
On the way home, I decided to ask my dad how similar he thought he is to his father. I have not really breached this topic with my father because I have vague memories of the only time my father cried at the funeral of his father. I was too young to comprehend what was occurring, and my my father is private man. However, he responded. I found it amusing that he described his father as stern and short tempered for lack of better words, and secretive, so that he doesnt really know just how similar he is. I don't know why, but I didn't tell my dad that is exactly how I would describe him. I guess that is how similar I am to my own dad.
We talked about his father some more and I learned some more things. I was surprised to find out that my grandfather was atheist, and did not look approvingly upon my dads choice to become a catholic. I had assumed my father inherited his faith from his parents like my mother did. But he said that when he was around 10 he spent a lot of time at a Nunnery, and after failing his exams a friend in the local church got him into a catholic school. He said this was the worst thing for him though, as it was learn by wrote (not hands on) and his lack of math stopped him from studying the sciences which he enjoyed most.
My grandfather sounds like an interesting person. He was a medic during the second world war, and had many tours of service in various countries. Before the war he was an accountant, so not trained in science by choice. My grandmother was also heavily involved in the war as the part of the land army. I like the fact that my grandparents were involved, but i guess everybody's ancestors were, as it was a world war and we are here to tell the tail. Apparently my grandfather was a desert rat, but he also served in palestine and italy, among other places. My grandfather refused to talk about the war, his experiences, and kept nothing. The only thing he did remark on was that VD was disgusting, and whores. I wonder if this influenced my fathers catholicism? My dad briefly mentioned that his parents involvement in the war was probably a reason for their unsettled relationship. My grandfather suffered severe sleep disruption for the rest of his life, and a highly volatile temperament.
My dad almost seemed sad that he did not know much about his father. He said that he knew even less about his uncle (his fathers brother) as the guy died flying a plane after the war. I remarked that it is sad that we know little, but everybody passes through and must leave behind so much, that will always be forgotten. He agreed. His uncle was called patrick, which is my fathers second name. I told my dad that I would like to call one of my sons Benjamin.
It was great to get out the house and watch the fireworks. Even though we couldn't see much, I think I will remember the brief conversation with my father. We always seem to communicate more through actions than words. I will remember standing with my dad watching the colours over london.
*
2011 looks busy. I must finish my PhD. It seems as though I will be doing lab work into the summer, and most likely writing up my thesis from home. My supervisor has made it clear that there is no more money to support me beyond september. It seems quite common for students to find a job in the lab as a post-doc as long as there is a project/funding available. Of course, it depends on my supervisors opinion of me, and I could transfer into another robotic discipline. I am not sure if i want to stay in the lab, although the work ethic is awesome and the pay would be good. If I really wanted to stay, I would plan to write a funding bid with my supervisor for a project (or show some interest!). Only time will tell here.
My tenancy on the flat expires in June which is a few months short of my bursary. Again, I think only time will tell how that pans out. If I have started my write up I will be in a good position to go home and save the last quarter of my bursary. If I have lab work to continue, I will most surely need to hang around in Bristol. I think my flat mate tom is running on a slower schedule than me, so I feel reasonably confident that we might look for somewhere together. It could come down to every man for himself however.
Starting immediately, I must push to get my recent experiment idea conducted and analysed. It is going to be a painful process as there are many components and it is quite complex. However, my supervisor seems confident that this could be the core of my thesis, which would simply require some supporting material. This is good news. However, I am almost certain that after the first 30 hours of experiments, he will want me to alter the scenario and re-conduct the experiment. I also have the issue of meeting the submission deadlines. The ones I have looked into all fall within now to March. At the very least, I need a draft of a paper with preliminary results to submit, which they may look favourably upon with a request for more. Publishing papers is now my primary objective. Any papers will make my thesis substantially easier to write. I am a publishing machine! Or should will be.
On a side, my friends have formed a business collective called Rusty Squid which I am involved in, but have given no contribution too. I really need to make a contribution this year. It might mean something like dancing will take a hit, but there is no reason why I should not be able to give it some of my time if I am more organised. Recently I have been programming a 2d rpg in my spare time for fun. Rusty Squid is fun, I need to give them my time. If Rusty Squid works out, I have a job lined up for when I finish my PhD. A job where I will do cool stuff, in flexi time, with great contacts.
2011 is all about september. It will be a year of change which I have been craving for a while. I need to make sure that the desire doesnt turn into fear. I am excited because it is also a time of change for Lana. I want to see how things work out between us. I am a little afraid that we will be forced to go in different directions. I have confidence that we will hold it together, even if we do have to go our own ways. I think I am afraid of distance and the potential to grow apart. I think I am feeling possessive and afraid that someone might notice how awesome she is without me to defend my claim to her haha. I think recently I have been talking a lot about how much I want to travel, which is a bit unfair because Lana does not know what will happen with regard to her visa, and whether she will need to get a job. I talk about travelling as if it is certain, and I have no regard for her companionship and feelings. I think I need to change that a little, as we have both invested in each other and placed our hearts at the others mercy.
Hopefully in a years time I will be writing about my triumph over fitness and the PhD. I need to thank my friends more, and be less of a social recluse. Some of my friends are a real inspiration, and I am looking forward to spending more time with them.