(no subject)
At the moment I feel like I am experiencing a schism of my mind to three portions. When I wake up next to Lana, I feel immense love and peace. We rise for breakfast and I feel like time has no relevence, we can occupy ourselves however we please, and I drag my heels against any disruption. I feel like I know what our future together is. All and any of my previous scars, insecurities and worries have left me. But in the background these other two selves dance around, beating small drums.
When I am on my own, I often feel displaced and existentially delicate. I have moments of pleasure as I watch people pass me content in their sense of normality, pleased that I have a sense of abstraction. I am reading heavily at the moment, and can find places and the mindset with extreme ease, filtering out all distractions. I sit in urine stained doorways, next to stinky old men on buses, under trees whilst people play ball, against walls as people commute, or occasionally meandering slowly with the book ahead of me. But I also have moments where I feel like a lost balloon, and wonder where I am heading. I have desires that contradict the competitive edge I feel I need to forge and steel against the other things ahead. I get confused in trying to work out if they are desires or apathy.
When I am at work, I realise I have a lot to do, and all of my structure has fallen apart. I have been arriving at work exceptionally late and running for the bus home, blaming the poor summer time table. I have been working hard and productively, but I still have no planned hypothesis to work with. In a month I enter the last year of my funding. I wait silently for my next supervision meeting request. I feel like I have only just met the deliverables, that any stumble could be fatal. I hear all around me of leniency and room to manouver, but I know deep down that it is not my path to extend the time allotted to me on the PhD.
Collectively, these feelings are not causing me any great troubles. Individually they cause me little worries that lead my mind in a circle. But when I consider them as a whole, I have gained some faith (mistakenly or not) in allowing it all to sort itself out. I will buy a bike. Lana will find a new place to live, and she will likely find herself heavily occupied with her Masters. My subconscious is forming order for my next paper, which may not significantly progress my work, but will give me insight and likely stimulate yet more productivity. I have further holiday and self-centric wants which require this way of life to continue.
Today I feel disabled. I know it is temporary, I am simply unwell. It is unfortunate that I had food poisoning for 5 days and picked up a commmon cold at its end. When feeling like this - heavy, slow, weak and fatigued - my mind reaches to the stars. Trumpet, guitar, chin ups, jogging, juggling. Anything and everything that would improve my sense of self. But of course, they would all strain a body in need of rest. Be quiet, ambition. In a few days I will require you to provide a foundation to exercise some self-discipline. It is almost time to form healthy structure again.
When I am on my own, I often feel displaced and existentially delicate. I have moments of pleasure as I watch people pass me content in their sense of normality, pleased that I have a sense of abstraction. I am reading heavily at the moment, and can find places and the mindset with extreme ease, filtering out all distractions. I sit in urine stained doorways, next to stinky old men on buses, under trees whilst people play ball, against walls as people commute, or occasionally meandering slowly with the book ahead of me. But I also have moments where I feel like a lost balloon, and wonder where I am heading. I have desires that contradict the competitive edge I feel I need to forge and steel against the other things ahead. I get confused in trying to work out if they are desires or apathy.
When I am at work, I realise I have a lot to do, and all of my structure has fallen apart. I have been arriving at work exceptionally late and running for the bus home, blaming the poor summer time table. I have been working hard and productively, but I still have no planned hypothesis to work with. In a month I enter the last year of my funding. I wait silently for my next supervision meeting request. I feel like I have only just met the deliverables, that any stumble could be fatal. I hear all around me of leniency and room to manouver, but I know deep down that it is not my path to extend the time allotted to me on the PhD.
Collectively, these feelings are not causing me any great troubles. Individually they cause me little worries that lead my mind in a circle. But when I consider them as a whole, I have gained some faith (mistakenly or not) in allowing it all to sort itself out. I will buy a bike. Lana will find a new place to live, and she will likely find herself heavily occupied with her Masters. My subconscious is forming order for my next paper, which may not significantly progress my work, but will give me insight and likely stimulate yet more productivity. I have further holiday and self-centric wants which require this way of life to continue.
Today I feel disabled. I know it is temporary, I am simply unwell. It is unfortunate that I had food poisoning for 5 days and picked up a commmon cold at its end. When feeling like this - heavy, slow, weak and fatigued - my mind reaches to the stars. Trumpet, guitar, chin ups, jogging, juggling. Anything and everything that would improve my sense of self. But of course, they would all strain a body in need of rest. Be quiet, ambition. In a few days I will require you to provide a foundation to exercise some self-discipline. It is almost time to form healthy structure again.