(no subject)

[q_m_n_m_d]

ok well let me introduce myself.i should have done that yesterday but i did not have time.sorry. (even though i doubt anyone is going to read this....:( sigh...) well my name is annemarie i am 16 years old since may and i live in trinidad (a small caribbean island just off the coast of venezuela) i started to become anorexic in the middle of 2001. to tell u the truth i had no idea whatsoever whta anorexia or bulimia or an eating disorder was until i was diagnosed with it and learned some more on the subject -_-. idid not know what i was doing or wh i was doing what i was.i went through my parents physically force feeding me-as in shoving food down my throat and forcing me to drink water. i ate very little until i was eventually admitted into hospital as no one knew what to do with me anymore (after i was taken to a few shrinks) there i was givne a choice- either i drink three 8ounce tins of ensure everyday (yeah right) or have a feeding tube inserted into me.i will always remember that day and those words.i could not do it and so my first feeding tube was inserted soon after i refused.i felt like i was being raped...i had no choice in what was happening to me. i did not know what to do or what was going on i just let it happen.from there i stayed in the hospital for two days. where mostly my parents fed me with ensure via the tube.the next day i was discharged because my parents were feeding me and it would be better if i was home or some sort like that. for the next few days i was fed three times with 8ounces of ensure and it was eventually increased to 4 times and then 5 times.i hated it but i did not know what to do. from there (i do not remember exactly) my parents seeked help from away (vancouver,canada) after i started to resist the feedings. there was a long very long waiting list and also very expensive. i had a VERY VERY VERY slim choice of entering but they decided to go nevertheless (my mom,dad,sister and myself) my aunt (my fathers sister) cousins,uncle and grandmother live there. i was not fed on the flight there at all because i made to much noise -resisting the feedings-it is approximately a day of flying. when we arrived i was fed and it continued. a meeting with a doctor from bc's children's hospital (i think) was set up. i did not speak my parents spoke and my dad cried in front of a doctor for the first time.i was not in the room.it was not a success and i tried to kill myself via suffocating after each feeding.it was a very stressful time for everyone.i also remember when my mom started sneaking a glucoe powder with the boost (similar to ensure but cheaper) and i hated it.i hid that and ovol-a medicine for gas- from them.i did not want anything else entering me. one day a doctor told my parents to stop force feeding me but to give me the choice (pouring out juice and leaving it on the table for me) i never once touched it.so i did not eat or drink anything at all (even water) for approximately 3 days. we rushed back home and the next day i became severely suicidal screaming 'somebody please kill me' i tried suffocating myself.i could not take it anymore. the sad part was that one of my primary school friends,her brother and parents who came to visit that day were there and had to witness everything.an ambulance would take to long so they drove me to the nearest hospital (one of my mom's good friends also came to help) i hardly remember anything but i was told that iwas admitted and given a high dose of anaesthetic ( i think-the thing that knocks u out) but that did not work so i was given another dose. i remeber blacking out a few minutes after reaching the hospital.it was as thogh i had died for several hours and then i woke up..-_-) mom told me that during that time several family friends were all over me praying and stuff :s.the doctor who was 'seeing abut me' said i would ot survive.i was only 53 pounda at 5 feet:s a tube was re-inserted (the first one was taken out while i was not being fed and refused everything while away-it also had to be changed several times after the first insertion) i was given respiridol (an anti-hallucigen) and zoloft (an anti depressant) i think. feedings continued and solid foods that were blended such as soup etc were also given to me.i remember the first time when i was over fed 16 ounces of liquid at one time after my stomach had shrunk.it was completely horrible from very little or no eating .i never felt more like dying in my life i was completely miserable and i grew more and more exhausted and miserable. two nurses were hired after spending 2 weeks in the hospital and i was discharged. they force fed me every day. one held my hands etc down and one fed me. after several days i grew weaker and could not resist as much as i would have liked anymore. i was taken to a new shrink whom increase dmy dose of zoloft. that afternoon all of a sudden i felt happy :S:S:S:S for no reason i could think of.it was like a revelation.i went to mom and told her i was ready to eat and so i had my first meal the next day or later that day.dad had been fishing that day.when i wawoke the next morning and dad was there to see me eat he started to cry-this is very rare to see as he never EVER shows his feelings. he even tried prayer at one time and he is agnostic and they also took me to a person who chanted around me :s they were so desperate to try anything..i could not stop thinking of how hard it would be to do this but i pulled through.it was realy weird because i allowed them to give me food that i actually ate.school started back ( i had to drop out of school-end of term exams when i was first admitted into hospital) bu things went downhil form there. i stopped eating my lunch, threw it away or just chewed it up and spit it back out. i started eating less.i went right back to where i had started.i was re admitted and another tube inserted.i spent some time there where a machine where the boost was 'dripped' into me was used. i was discharged after a month plus when i agreed to eat fod again. so i went back to schol and survived day to day.this would have been in 2003. from there i cannot remember exactly what happened but i think i managed to stay out of hospital form there but had to see a shrink.i managed and battled every day (which i still do). of recent i have been 'cheating'- skiping breakfast and not eating the required amts because i found i had put on too much weight after away (gained approximately 3 or 4 pounds) i wighed 86 pounds but now i weigh about 85.i'm REALLLLLLLLLLY FRICKING scared of putting on weight i have NEVER reached the 90 mark on the scale it has been a fear of mine since primary school and i am about 5 feet 1 inch. the desire to reach rock bottom again came from when i looked at some girls who are pro-ana on xanga.i love how it feels to be skinny and to see protruding bones like them and i think i need to reach bottom again to come to a real realisation of what i want to do with myself but i do not want to burden my family anymore/again it might kill my granny.so now im here surviving day to day.i ahrdly have energy and am tired ALL the time.i just want to sleep for the rest of my life. before this i just ate what was required 'cheating' only a little and managed to survive day by day. i am happy that no one 'monitors' me as much anymore because i can 'cheat'.i know this may sound stupid or weird but this is what happens and how i really feel. i don not know what to do with my life.i will eventually ahve to make the choice -survive like before, hospital (which means moree money that my parents would have to spend) or get better. but i need advice and support and counselling.it would not be easy.i menai want to do a lot of things in my life and i cannot do themif i remain this way..sigh. well that's it for now. any comments appreciated.

p.s. not in any way NOT looking for any fucking pity..just advice. thaks :)