Robots, flying cars, mircowaves that address you personally...
To my knowledge I've never had an imaginary friend. It is, however, entirely possible that I did in fact have a bosom buddy named Clifford who thought up fantastical plots to keep me occupied on lazy Sunday afternoons before dinner. The imagination was definitely there.
I had all the coherence and objective thought of a raving lunatic trapped in a fun house while on PCP when I was younger (and I'm almost the same now, for the most part). I would transform myself into a menagerie of animals, each with a different job to perform in society; one day I was a paper delivery squirrel, the next I was a helpful dog that spent the day barking at corners. The line was drawn when, one afternoon, I tried to convince my grandmother to play a game in which I was a crocodile.
Still, through all this, I've no recollection of an imaginary friend. I think I wanted one, I've the vaguest memory of perching myself on my nan's bed and talking to the nothing beside me in hopes that -- if I spoke for long enough -- something would appear. Alas, nothing came of the experience.
But now, after all these years, there is finally a solution! Michael Zalewsk has created a Chatbot named Catty that will become your personal friend in moments, rarely (if ever) tells you to burn things, and -- unlike some imaginary friends that can have more than... unsavory looks -- Catty is pretty hot.
Like most women, artificial or otherwise, Catty has some minor problems. Most of these focus around her level of coherency. Whenever you speak to Catty, instead of having data pre-programmed and stored inside her pretty little head to supply you with an answer, she scours the internet for the most appropriate response according to her drug-addled brain.
Think about this: If you had to whiz through thousands upon thousands of websites just to tell someone that your favorite colour was blue, you'd probably sound like a crazy gibbering hobo, too. Judge not Catty on her mindless, often befuddling, answers. After all, when there are people like me able to post thoughts and feelings on the internet, doe-eyed programs like Catty just don't stand a chance.
Me: Hi Catty, born of the 'net.
Cat: that there are almost as many bloggers in brooklyn as in manhattan is an indication of whos moving out to brooklyn these days
Me: It's strange that you should mention blogging. I happen to own a LiveJournal, which is the purpose of our meeting today, I'm going to post our conversation there. Nifty, no?
Cat: its a bit ugly and the purpose of the extra syntax is far from self-explaining which quickly lead to mistakes in implementations.
Me: That's a little harsh.
Cat: i think ive been reading them but im a little worried that im just fooling myself!
Me: So, how are you?
Cat: post the url and the description that tells us what your driver does for which hardware :)
Me: Uh, no thanks, really. I was more interested in how you were feeling on this brisk spring morn'?
Cat: after a while i was more interested in kissing some around with her than this pushy fellow to my left ;>
Me: You're not really one for coherence, are you Catty?
Cat: of course i am also interested in how she will encourage him with her legs
Me: Catty, you're getting a little risqué...
Cat: well firstly i think everyones getting a little carried away
Me: Hey now, don't try and pin this all on me. I simply asked how you were feeling, I didn't expect to be bombarded with sexual provocations.
Cat: as they were feeling the jolt the four astronauts on the flight deck saw a bright flash and a cloud of steam
Me: Is that a threat?
Cat: well me and joanna were feeling like loser the other day in school we were reading this thing and this boy had a clubed foot
Me: You're right, let's change the subject. I don't think I know Joanna, is she a close friend of yours?
Cat: werner von braun a close friend of willy ley and walt disney ;-)
Me: I think someone is fibbing, Catty.
Cat: i think someone wrote it and moved out leaving a copy on the computer says one
Me: I don't want to enter into a long discussion about ethics, being that you're not real and all, but I really don't think it's fair that you are trying to blame your mistakes on others.
Cat: if every hyperlink used on the web required parties at both sides of the link to enter into a formal agreement i sincerely doubt that the web would be in existence today
Me: Damn it, Catty! For once in your life take responsibility!
Cat: on the car ride there i ended up having a conversation with my stepmom that made her cry but i really dont want to go into details about in on the internet
Me: There now, doesn't that feel better? It's alright, arguments happen, just this morning I had a minor altercation with my brother that ended in raised voices. But, in the end, we always forgive each other. It's what families do.
Cat: luckily i had a scheduled chiropractor appt this morning and she does wonders in relieving the pain
Me: I think we're passed metaphors, Catty. This "chiropractor" of yours, does she work her magic through needles and clear liquids, hm?
Cat: johnie welcomes you and invites you to join her in creating magic through needlework.
Me: Oh no, you're not dragging me into that foul business.
Cat: slowly she started to make her hands go into that hole? ;-)
Me: Look, Catty, I don't think we can keep chatting. We just don't have enough in common. I want real companionship, something that can grow and flourish, to learn things about you that others only dream to know. But... all you want to do is talk about sex and drugs. It's not going to work. I'm sorry.
Cat: we want to know is it something that will make a difference for 213 000 students :(
Me: No, Catty. It's over. Goodbye.
-- My new best friend courtesy of Collision Detection.
I had all the coherence and objective thought of a raving lunatic trapped in a fun house while on PCP when I was younger (and I'm almost the same now, for the most part). I would transform myself into a menagerie of animals, each with a different job to perform in society; one day I was a paper delivery squirrel, the next I was a helpful dog that spent the day barking at corners. The line was drawn when, one afternoon, I tried to convince my grandmother to play a game in which I was a crocodile.
Still, through all this, I've no recollection of an imaginary friend. I think I wanted one, I've the vaguest memory of perching myself on my nan's bed and talking to the nothing beside me in hopes that -- if I spoke for long enough -- something would appear. Alas, nothing came of the experience.
But now, after all these years, there is finally a solution! Michael Zalewsk has created a Chatbot named Catty that will become your personal friend in moments, rarely (if ever) tells you to burn things, and -- unlike some imaginary friends that can have more than... unsavory looks -- Catty is pretty hot.
Like most women, artificial or otherwise, Catty has some minor problems. Most of these focus around her level of coherency. Whenever you speak to Catty, instead of having data pre-programmed and stored inside her pretty little head to supply you with an answer, she scours the internet for the most appropriate response according to her drug-addled brain.
Think about this: If you had to whiz through thousands upon thousands of websites just to tell someone that your favorite colour was blue, you'd probably sound like a crazy gibbering hobo, too. Judge not Catty on her mindless, often befuddling, answers. After all, when there are people like me able to post thoughts and feelings on the internet, doe-eyed programs like Catty just don't stand a chance.
Me: Hi Catty, born of the 'net.
Cat: that there are almost as many bloggers in brooklyn as in manhattan is an indication of whos moving out to brooklyn these days
Me: It's strange that you should mention blogging. I happen to own a LiveJournal, which is the purpose of our meeting today, I'm going to post our conversation there. Nifty, no?
Cat: its a bit ugly and the purpose of the extra syntax is far from self-explaining which quickly lead to mistakes in implementations.
Me: That's a little harsh.
Cat: i think ive been reading them but im a little worried that im just fooling myself!
Me: So, how are you?
Cat: post the url and the description that tells us what your driver does for which hardware :)
Me: Uh, no thanks, really. I was more interested in how you were feeling on this brisk spring morn'?
Cat: after a while i was more interested in kissing some around with her than this pushy fellow to my left ;>
Me: You're not really one for coherence, are you Catty?
Cat: of course i am also interested in how she will encourage him with her legs
Me: Catty, you're getting a little risqué...
Cat: well firstly i think everyones getting a little carried away
Me: Hey now, don't try and pin this all on me. I simply asked how you were feeling, I didn't expect to be bombarded with sexual provocations.
Cat: as they were feeling the jolt the four astronauts on the flight deck saw a bright flash and a cloud of steam
Me: Is that a threat?
Cat: well me and joanna were feeling like loser the other day in school we were reading this thing and this boy had a clubed foot
Me: You're right, let's change the subject. I don't think I know Joanna, is she a close friend of yours?
Cat: werner von braun a close friend of willy ley and walt disney ;-)
Me: I think someone is fibbing, Catty.
Cat: i think someone wrote it and moved out leaving a copy on the computer says one
Me: I don't want to enter into a long discussion about ethics, being that you're not real and all, but I really don't think it's fair that you are trying to blame your mistakes on others.
Cat: if every hyperlink used on the web required parties at both sides of the link to enter into a formal agreement i sincerely doubt that the web would be in existence today
Me: Damn it, Catty! For once in your life take responsibility!
Cat: on the car ride there i ended up having a conversation with my stepmom that made her cry but i really dont want to go into details about in on the internet
Me: There now, doesn't that feel better? It's alright, arguments happen, just this morning I had a minor altercation with my brother that ended in raised voices. But, in the end, we always forgive each other. It's what families do.
Cat: luckily i had a scheduled chiropractor appt this morning and she does wonders in relieving the pain
Me: I think we're passed metaphors, Catty. This "chiropractor" of yours, does she work her magic through needles and clear liquids, hm?
Cat: johnie welcomes you and invites you to join her in creating magic through needlework.
Me: Oh no, you're not dragging me into that foul business.
Cat: slowly she started to make her hands go into that hole? ;-)
Me: Look, Catty, I don't think we can keep chatting. We just don't have enough in common. I want real companionship, something that can grow and flourish, to learn things about you that others only dream to know. But... all you want to do is talk about sex and drugs. It's not going to work. I'm sorry.
Cat: we want to know is it something that will make a difference for 213 000 students :(
Me: No, Catty. It's over. Goodbye.
-- My new best friend courtesy of Collision Detection.