My Recent thoughts
sumthings that might be said..those who read may not like..this post will be viewable by all..
i honestly hate life..i wish it was over. i dont see what's the big deal about it. i feel as if NO ONE cares about me really. I take that back, maybe there is some one who cares but they're too far away to save me 4rm myself. let me let those who think they know me..go a lil deeper..i was born november 11th 1988 to earldean simms and brian walker. in st.louis, mo in barnes hospital (now known as barnes-jewish hospital) i dont know my father. only thing i know is his name and i look like him. and let me tell u. not knowing my father effected me greatly. i never realized it until i was about 15 16 ish. i had it rough as a child. i basically feel as if i grew up alone. like an only child. my sister and brother are about 20 years older than me. i never had anyone to for real like be a brother or sister figure. like sum1 i could share everything w/. my secrets and my dreams. i never had any1 2 get in trouble w/ and blame it on. when i get in trouble..i was on my own. i dont know really what its like 2 be a child. i believe my mother deprived me of that. i had friends as a child. they always wanted to do things and wanted 2 take me places w/ them. the one i remember the most was ashley little. my next door neighbor. we had so much in common and i LOVED her mother. i realized she tried 2 get my mother to let me do things w/ ashley. tried 2 get me 2 enjoy being a child. get me involved w/ things. my mother IS *still to this day* over-protective. i've tried to understand her ways.but i cant..HOW DO U KEEP UR CHILD 4RM EXPERIENCING LIFE??!! MODELING..HEELS..TAKING PICTURES..is the 1st thing i wanted out of my life. Ashley was doing it and i remember her mom talking to mine telling her to let me try it..but nooo..my mother told me we didnt have the money to. which i've believed for awhile.but i've come to the conclusion she just didnt want me 2 do it. to do anything. she put me in swimming. i LOVED it. i was good at it. was scared of the deep end. but b4 i knew it i was one of the best diverz in my class. did she keep me in it? OF COURSE NOT. and when i questioned her bout it she says i didnt want to do it no more. which is a LIE i dont remember ever saying that. i've come to the fact she doesnt want to see me happy. now lets talk about grade school. i was smart. always on honor roll. felt good. dont know what happend. guess when i switched schools thats when everything started changing and i saw things differently. sense i never was around many different kids r people 4real my whole life i didnt know how to make friends. so changing schools and making new friends wasnt going to be easy. i was talked about. on a daily basis. that is when i started 2 think i wasnt pretty or anything and is hard 2 believe now when sum1 tells me. and if a boy did talk 2 me in elemantary school, it was b/c me and this chick "kristin" was cool. what they saw in her i will never know. for those who dont know me i have a GAP..yes yes, that thing w/ the space in between ur teeth. that thing no 1 thinks is attractive. that 1 thing that keeps so many people away..and judge me on.."i didnt find u attractive therefor i stopped talkin 2 u" -weston suber....i admire him..he told the truth. even tho it wasnt right he was honest. but back on subject..kristin had one too..infact hers was worst than mine. but the boys liked her and used me. u see kristin couldnt have boys knock on her door and ask if she could come out but i could. so they'd eitha come knock on my door and ask me 2 knock on hers. and i did it not even knowin i was being used then. but the day i really knew kristin wasnt no tru friend was when patrick pace sat up and just talked about me. in myface. i looked at her face and saw she was fighting off a smile. that hurted. i cried that day. not like it was my 1st time doing so, but my 1st were ppl could see me. i peddled home so fast on my bike but i think my tears might have actually beat me home that day. thats the only day i remember my mother actually actin as a mother. she wiped my tears and cared 4 me that day. told me people are mean and not 2 care bout what they think. but i do. i just want 2 be liked..by every1..i dont want people hating me or not liking me. cuz i dont see myself that way. and i also knew kristin wasnt a real friend when she said the words.." i dont have bestfriends" and at that time i had considered her one..but then came along miss keya owens. anotha chick dudes went crazy 4. why..i couldnt tell u. but kristin left me..and it was her and keya "permanet bestfriends". exactly what it said on a notecard i read one day that was lying on the ground...but enough bout my life story 2day....i'll continue anotha
i honestly hate life..i wish it was over. i dont see what's the big deal about it. i feel as if NO ONE cares about me really. I take that back, maybe there is some one who cares but they're too far away to save me 4rm myself. let me let those who think they know me..go a lil deeper..i was born november 11th 1988 to earldean simms and brian walker. in st.louis, mo in barnes hospital (now known as barnes-jewish hospital) i dont know my father. only thing i know is his name and i look like him. and let me tell u. not knowing my father effected me greatly. i never realized it until i was about 15 16 ish. i had it rough as a child. i basically feel as if i grew up alone. like an only child. my sister and brother are about 20 years older than me. i never had anyone to for real like be a brother or sister figure. like sum1 i could share everything w/. my secrets and my dreams. i never had any1 2 get in trouble w/ and blame it on. when i get in trouble..i was on my own. i dont know really what its like 2 be a child. i believe my mother deprived me of that. i had friends as a child. they always wanted to do things and wanted 2 take me places w/ them. the one i remember the most was ashley little. my next door neighbor. we had so much in common and i LOVED her mother. i realized she tried 2 get my mother to let me do things w/ ashley. tried 2 get me 2 enjoy being a child. get me involved w/ things. my mother IS *still to this day* over-protective. i've tried to understand her ways.but i cant..HOW DO U KEEP UR CHILD 4RM EXPERIENCING LIFE??!! MODELING..HEELS..TAKING PICTURES..is the 1st thing i wanted out of my life. Ashley was doing it and i remember her mom talking to mine telling her to let me try it..but nooo..my mother told me we didnt have the money to. which i've believed for awhile.but i've come to the conclusion she just didnt want me 2 do it. to do anything. she put me in swimming. i LOVED it. i was good at it. was scared of the deep end. but b4 i knew it i was one of the best diverz in my class. did she keep me in it? OF COURSE NOT. and when i questioned her bout it she says i didnt want to do it no more. which is a LIE i dont remember ever saying that. i've come to the fact she doesnt want to see me happy. now lets talk about grade school. i was smart. always on honor roll. felt good. dont know what happend. guess when i switched schools thats when everything started changing and i saw things differently. sense i never was around many different kids r people 4real my whole life i didnt know how to make friends. so changing schools and making new friends wasnt going to be easy. i was talked about. on a daily basis. that is when i started 2 think i wasnt pretty or anything and is hard 2 believe now when sum1 tells me. and if a boy did talk 2 me in elemantary school, it was b/c me and this chick "kristin" was cool. what they saw in her i will never know. for those who dont know me i have a GAP..yes yes, that thing w/ the space in between ur teeth. that thing no 1 thinks is attractive. that 1 thing that keeps so many people away..and judge me on.."i didnt find u attractive therefor i stopped talkin 2 u" -weston suber....i admire him..he told the truth. even tho it wasnt right he was honest. but back on subject..kristin had one too..infact hers was worst than mine. but the boys liked her and used me. u see kristin couldnt have boys knock on her door and ask if she could come out but i could. so they'd eitha come knock on my door and ask me 2 knock on hers. and i did it not even knowin i was being used then. but the day i really knew kristin wasnt no tru friend was when patrick pace sat up and just talked about me. in myface. i looked at her face and saw she was fighting off a smile. that hurted. i cried that day. not like it was my 1st time doing so, but my 1st were ppl could see me. i peddled home so fast on my bike but i think my tears might have actually beat me home that day. thats the only day i remember my mother actually actin as a mother. she wiped my tears and cared 4 me that day. told me people are mean and not 2 care bout what they think. but i do. i just want 2 be liked..by every1..i dont want people hating me or not liking me. cuz i dont see myself that way. and i also knew kristin wasnt a real friend when she said the words.." i dont have bestfriends" and at that time i had considered her one..but then came along miss keya owens. anotha chick dudes went crazy 4. why..i couldnt tell u. but kristin left me..and it was her and keya "permanet bestfriends". exactly what it said on a notecard i read one day that was lying on the ground...but enough bout my life story 2day....i'll continue anotha