(no subject)
last night danny melissa and i talked about how hard it is to find good friends, and how important it is to have them. that night i realized that i practically no true friends to speak of, but perhaps 4, but now its looking like 3. yeah, i may have pushed some people way, due to the fact that people i have truly valued and loved in the past have gone on to hurt more that i could have ever expected. im just scared to get that hurt again, even in a friendly relationship, but i realize that its not the new person's fault. since the stuff in the past its been hard to trust and open up to new people, but at the same time, i just dont know who i can be close friends with. it seems that no one really wants to take the time and energy into creating a new, close friendship. even harder, its near impossible to find a person whith the same ideals and reasoning, someone whos not all about getting drunk every weekend and smoking out.
i realize that i have to do my part, starting conversations and putting myself out there, and i have been since school started. ive been more social and open to new people, but it seems that no one is really interested. i dont know if im wasting my time or if im bound to live a life without close friends. with my relationship with lyle on the rocks and possibly coming to an end, i can really see myself just sitting at home all day painting and being the third wheel whenever i do go out with the few friends i stil lhave.
truth be told, im terrified that this will actually become a reality. all i can say is that i wish i had my best friend back, or that i can find someone who will slowly develop into one. i know this may sound desperate, but no matter what i say, people will take it in their own context. so here i am, sitting in lyles house by myself, knowing that pretty much everything is ending.
i realize that i have to do my part, starting conversations and putting myself out there, and i have been since school started. ive been more social and open to new people, but it seems that no one is really interested. i dont know if im wasting my time or if im bound to live a life without close friends. with my relationship with lyle on the rocks and possibly coming to an end, i can really see myself just sitting at home all day painting and being the third wheel whenever i do go out with the few friends i stil lhave.
truth be told, im terrified that this will actually become a reality. all i can say is that i wish i had my best friend back, or that i can find someone who will slowly develop into one. i know this may sound desperate, but no matter what i say, people will take it in their own context. so here i am, sitting in lyles house by myself, knowing that pretty much everything is ending.