My nose tickles.
I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have a familiar feeling in my eyes which happens before they start to water and my right nostril has a tickle I cannot get rid of. I really don't need a cold right now. I'm eating an orange every day from now on. I can't afford to be sick this winter, I don't know how mothers do it. I feel a little poorly and I know I have to push through because Samuel needs me. I remember my mother being really ill once with the flu, and she'd still be looking after all of us. That's dedication and it goes so unfairly unappreciated.
GOD BLESS ALL MOTHERS OUT THERE WHO CARE FOR THEIR CHILDREN EVEN THROUGH THEIR OWN ILLNESSES. I RECOGNIZE YOU. I APPRECIATE YOU.
I really do.
Today is a new day. I doubt I'll ever remember this day, but this is the day where I intend to actually start taking control.
I had a bad weekend due to depression. John and I were getting ready to go out on Saturday and I couldn't find a sweater that fit me in the pile of clothes. So I squeezed into one, saying that I needed to get out before I got more depressed about my weight. Going out, we were looking for a store which had some decent PJ's and we walked by Victoria's Secret. I mentioned how if the US had such a fat problem, why did these kind of stores only go up to a size large. He said he didn't know, but then made his usual joke of taking a mannequin home because she looked sexy in the lingerie. I don't know what happened, but my heart hit the floor.
He does this joke all the time so I don't know why it hurt me this time, but it did. I didn't really feel like holding his hand or even really shopping at all. Looking at all the thin models in the windows made me feel even more depressed. On coming home, we put the clothes that didn't fit me into a suitcase. He got upset because a pair of pants we'd bought a month or so ago went into the case. Why? Because they didn't fit me. I have put on weight since giving birth, for what reasons I am unsure, but probably because of my eating habits. But I just asked him to leave the room and I sat and cried in the dark.
I hate my body. I've always hated it. But today, I know that unless I actually get off of my fat ass and do something about it, I'm stuck with my body being like this. Genetics are a bitch. But I want to make the most of this. So I have to start with my sit ups again. Bad back be damned.
(Side note, I'm watching the 'Sundance' channel for some reason, and a guy actually said the word 'fuck' out loud. Bravo, Sundance! Cursing is a bigger part of our daily lives than it used to be, so censoring it seems fucking stupid.)
Anyway, uh. Yeah. Samuel was away until yesterday. That was from Thursday night until Sunday evening. Never again. I told John half of the reason I generally don't get depressed about my weight is because Samuel reminds me why my body is the way it is. And without him here, I just felt fat. With him here, I just feel jolly.
=)
Oh, we got a speeding ticket on the way to collect him yesterday. Officer said we were doing 80. I know we weren't. He said he was nice and knocked it down to 70. John is going to contest it on the 2nd of January. On the way back home, we saw the same cop had pulled over another car. We think it's quota time.
*Rolls eyes*
I'll be writing another WoW entry later, be warned.
GOD BLESS ALL MOTHERS OUT THERE WHO CARE FOR THEIR CHILDREN EVEN THROUGH THEIR OWN ILLNESSES. I RECOGNIZE YOU. I APPRECIATE YOU.
I really do.
Today is a new day. I doubt I'll ever remember this day, but this is the day where I intend to actually start taking control.
I had a bad weekend due to depression. John and I were getting ready to go out on Saturday and I couldn't find a sweater that fit me in the pile of clothes. So I squeezed into one, saying that I needed to get out before I got more depressed about my weight. Going out, we were looking for a store which had some decent PJ's and we walked by Victoria's Secret. I mentioned how if the US had such a fat problem, why did these kind of stores only go up to a size large. He said he didn't know, but then made his usual joke of taking a mannequin home because she looked sexy in the lingerie. I don't know what happened, but my heart hit the floor.
He does this joke all the time so I don't know why it hurt me this time, but it did. I didn't really feel like holding his hand or even really shopping at all. Looking at all the thin models in the windows made me feel even more depressed. On coming home, we put the clothes that didn't fit me into a suitcase. He got upset because a pair of pants we'd bought a month or so ago went into the case. Why? Because they didn't fit me. I have put on weight since giving birth, for what reasons I am unsure, but probably because of my eating habits. But I just asked him to leave the room and I sat and cried in the dark.
I hate my body. I've always hated it. But today, I know that unless I actually get off of my fat ass and do something about it, I'm stuck with my body being like this. Genetics are a bitch. But I want to make the most of this. So I have to start with my sit ups again. Bad back be damned.
(Side note, I'm watching the 'Sundance' channel for some reason, and a guy actually said the word 'fuck' out loud. Bravo, Sundance! Cursing is a bigger part of our daily lives than it used to be, so censoring it seems fucking stupid.)
Anyway, uh. Yeah. Samuel was away until yesterday. That was from Thursday night until Sunday evening. Never again. I told John half of the reason I generally don't get depressed about my weight is because Samuel reminds me why my body is the way it is. And without him here, I just felt fat. With him here, I just feel jolly.
=)
Oh, we got a speeding ticket on the way to collect him yesterday. Officer said we were doing 80. I know we weren't. He said he was nice and knocked it down to 70. John is going to contest it on the 2nd of January. On the way back home, we saw the same cop had pulled over another car. We think it's quota time.
*Rolls eyes*
I'll be writing another WoW entry later, be warned.