Using my past to look at my future...
looking back at my old journal posts...
My life was all about him.
Now I have my own life, separate from everyone else. I am my own person. I've been getting used to it for the past almost a year....
But now, it's coming to new levels. Everything in my life seems to have reached a new level.
1) the biggest decision of my entire life so far has to be made. thing is, it has to be made by me. and only me. For the first time in my life, I am making the decision. Not my parents, teachers, friends. just me. and it's absolutely terrifying. I've got three more days to give my final answer. The decision is: To leave, or to stay? Sounds simple, no? but how trivial it is. and how complicated. making a decision like this with limited information, knowing it will for sure affect the rest of my life... is scary as hell. money. money runs my life. that's the reason for number 2...
2) I went job hunting today. It was... informative?
I've never had a job before because I spent all my time going to school, dancing, and playing my violin.
I'm a little behind and totally inexperienced in the world of part-time jobs.
Well, it might be the deciding factor. Whether or not I can afford to stay could depend on whether or not I can get a job.
lastly:
3) my relationship with Tim. it is the most beautiful thing. It's the only reaching-new-levels part of my life that isn't scary at all. I guess living in someone's house for about 2 weeks inevitably makes you closer with them. His parents feel like they are my parents, and Tim... he feels like my soulmate. I feel like no amount of distance or hardship could possibly tear us apart. I've never felt that before. there is so much openness with him, with his parents, with my parents... I feel like it can't go wrong. The world has been working against us in the past... but we've got it right this time. I know it.
My whole persona is changing. I'm becoming who I will be for the rest of my life. It's scaring me. I want to be the right person. I want to be me. I want everything to be okay in the end. I want all of the good influences I've had throughout my life to show through in who I become. But I don't really know yet what I want out of life. But I intend to figure it out. and I intend to achieve it. I don't want to give up on anything. I'm gonna fight for it. The problem is... what am I fighting for? I don't know yet... but I think I'll figure it out pretty soon.