WOW ..go ahead and laugh....I did!!!!
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky **stards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. When
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
@**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge
@**hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from s liding my card,
selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
who is sup posed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned excitin g.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's pl aying on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky **stards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. When
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
@**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge
@**hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from s liding my card,
selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
who is sup posed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned excitin g.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's pl aying on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.