[I can't help but stare so romantically.]
Like I have done previously when I am about to write again after a very long time, I re-read my earlier posts. It is amazing, shocking, funny to trace one's growth. (It's why I do this?) I read them aloud to Lauren Neal too, my new friend. I knew we would be friends when we met (...and NO it wasn't because I have the tendency to want to get to know people who look like me though I guess this has been the case with a great deal of my good friends (lol!) but she really reminded me of myself.) She is very theatrical and emotional - and mad as I am (lol) We have reduced or defined the essence of our similarities with the phrase, "in-between things." Anyhow, I felt like sharing my journal to her because I felt like she'd understand (my experience at Brown.) We talked for 4 hours!
I am really good at reading/judging people (I believe.)
She is was able to pick up on some of my psychological patterns, rationalizing the paths by which my passionate being has followed during my time here. I have gone through quite the stages of identity at Brown. I have grown a lot. I believe I am at the stage where I have synthesize my different natures, perspectives of the world, experiences & I am more content than ever (I hope.) (I tend to believe frequently that i have "grown", but this time I think it it true because I have finally dug (with success) into those reasons of why I do what I do: extreme thinking, self-destruction.... etc. True, I am still all over the place (we will always have times of madness and questioning and passion because we are truth seekers) but I am working more than ever on it, that is, functioning. (esp. someone like me whose past has greatly affected her sense of discipline or order. I find it particularly more difficult than the average person I believe. )
I finally can maneuver Brown (or am trying) and I know what is it I finally want to do (it took me 3 years). THEATRE. And it's not because I am incapable of doing other subjects as some will have you believe but because as Lauren will agree and attest to: it fullfills my every need. It is fun, playful, intellectual, political, powerful, revolutionary, aesthetically- pleasing, & fulfilling. Most of all, I attribute my freedom to it. (I will double this concentration with History, esp. taking courses of marxist flavor.) As I was telling Lauren, I have always loved the theatre because it has been my outlet in life in many ways, and playing characters/diff. people has been a sort of escapism. However, it wasn't until I took theatre/ performance studies courses that I solidified my passion. I understood the theatre for it's philosophical aspects and it's political power. "Theatre is revolution on the march." "A play is a poem standing up." I read this great article comparing theatre with the plague. I know it seems farfetched of a theory but it makes complete sense (to me.) Maybe because I have secretly thought so. (Hehe.) Drawing on the connection is too much for me to unveil but some quotes that potentially sum it up: "images of poetry in the theatre are a spiritual force that begins its trajectory in the senses and does with reality all together," and "theatre appears more infinitely valid than that of a feeling fulfilled in life." Also: "When the impossible really begins," "give freedom of the city and of existence to acts that are hostile to the life of societies," "frees the repressed society," "all true freedom is dark," "purification," "cannot be achieved without destruction," and MY FAVORITE: "Theatre, like the plague, is beneficial, for, impelling men to see themselves as they are, it causes mask to fall, reveals the lie, the slackness, baseness, and hypocrisy of the world."
This being said, there is much work to be done. I have not done much at Brown with the exception of a Mezcla show, TA 3, TA 23, TA 124, 2 Rites & Reason Shows, Costumes for a PW show, Stage Manager for S&B show. I am taking Playwriting right now too. I believe I would be fulfilled in life if I do theatre. I want to write plays, act (in both theatre & film), and make films one day. This is it. I have been reading Artaud and Beckett and I am fascinated. I would like to somehow incorporate also Latin American culture, politics, existential literature and Marxist history.
I am really good at reading/judging people (I believe.)
She is was able to pick up on some of my psychological patterns, rationalizing the paths by which my passionate being has followed during my time here. I have gone through quite the stages of identity at Brown. I have grown a lot. I believe I am at the stage where I have synthesize my different natures, perspectives of the world, experiences & I am more content than ever (I hope.) (I tend to believe frequently that i have "grown", but this time I think it it true because I have finally dug (with success) into those reasons of why I do what I do: extreme thinking, self-destruction.... etc. True, I am still all over the place (we will always have times of madness and questioning and passion because we are truth seekers) but I am working more than ever on it, that is, functioning. (esp. someone like me whose past has greatly affected her sense of discipline or order. I find it particularly more difficult than the average person I believe. )
I finally can maneuver Brown (or am trying) and I know what is it I finally want to do (it took me 3 years). THEATRE. And it's not because I am incapable of doing other subjects as some will have you believe but because as Lauren will agree and attest to: it fullfills my every need. It is fun, playful, intellectual, political, powerful, revolutionary, aesthetically- pleasing, & fulfilling. Most of all, I attribute my freedom to it. (I will double this concentration with History, esp. taking courses of marxist flavor.) As I was telling Lauren, I have always loved the theatre because it has been my outlet in life in many ways, and playing characters/diff. people has been a sort of escapism. However, it wasn't until I took theatre/ performance studies courses that I solidified my passion. I understood the theatre for it's philosophical aspects and it's political power. "Theatre is revolution on the march." "A play is a poem standing up." I read this great article comparing theatre with the plague. I know it seems farfetched of a theory but it makes complete sense (to me.) Maybe because I have secretly thought so. (Hehe.) Drawing on the connection is too much for me to unveil but some quotes that potentially sum it up: "images of poetry in the theatre are a spiritual force that begins its trajectory in the senses and does with reality all together," and "theatre appears more infinitely valid than that of a feeling fulfilled in life." Also: "When the impossible really begins," "give freedom of the city and of existence to acts that are hostile to the life of societies," "frees the repressed society," "all true freedom is dark," "purification," "cannot be achieved without destruction," and MY FAVORITE: "Theatre, like the plague, is beneficial, for, impelling men to see themselves as they are, it causes mask to fall, reveals the lie, the slackness, baseness, and hypocrisy of the world."
This being said, there is much work to be done. I have not done much at Brown with the exception of a Mezcla show, TA 3, TA 23, TA 124, 2 Rites & Reason Shows, Costumes for a PW show, Stage Manager for S&B show. I am taking Playwriting right now too. I believe I would be fulfilled in life if I do theatre. I want to write plays, act (in both theatre & film), and make films one day. This is it. I have been reading Artaud and Beckett and I am fascinated. I would like to somehow incorporate also Latin American culture, politics, existential literature and Marxist history.