questions of ethnic identity

[_puzzled_]

I finally have my computer! Yeah, it makes life so much easier and more fun (aka procrastination on facebook.) So again. (wow college is such an experience) I am experiencing another existential crises. you think of identity SO much at brown! of your race, sexuality, interests, future. Recently, the crises has shifted from personality or ideology conflicts (capitalism vs. socialism) to race. Due to how I was raised (my mother never teaching me spanish or raising me with any Hispanic culture, my dad abandoning us and obviously splitting from my mother before foster care), I never felt or internally identified with being Hispanic (only checking the box). As we know, the absence of ethnicity=white, so in a way while I didn't proclaim I was white, I guess I felt it by doing "white" things. My mother being a racist (and passing as white), and my private school upbringing has shaped me to be culturally white. It's not to say I didnt grow up in the ghetto, but I followed society's mentality that it was not something to keep. However, I would say at Brown over the last two years, I have had to deal with the reality that I am Hispanic LATINO because of how I am perceived (which I have no problem with because obviously it's what I am and I love it. I WILL LOVE IT.). As a part of being a whole person and coming into my existence, I have over the two years attempted to learn more about my culture. I want to improve my Spanish, go abroad to a Latin American country, etc. It's funny that you can be something and still feel like you are not enough of that something though. Why do I still feel that I am not Latinoenough? Do I feel in a sense that stereotypes define race? Of course not, buts it's a feeling. Maybe it's because Latino isn't so much a race as it is culture and language, that without that I am sort of lost. But I have to know that it is not my fault I am not more informed. Also over the two years, I have become (or consider myself or would like to consider myself) more of a revolutionary: to be honest I am kind of obsessed with revolution and marxism at this point. Does this give me a Latino identity? Interesting. Before, I never attributed my life in foster care and the streets due to being a minority (I didn't think much about it?), SURVIVE but now I feel so passionately about the revolution because now I know my life was due to a larger system.(dangerous?) the capitalist system. a system of classes. where white is at the top and black is at the bottom. white supremacist ideology. so I see the revolution as way of changing the world. not just working the system, changing the system; meaning instead of conforming or assimilating, the thing that must be achieved is to unite the third world masses and revolt (with white people as allies). Real justice is not just okay we accept you into our society but moreover you can have your society too. Every human can live free of discrimination, poverty, violence and everyone can be entitled to society's good. I have come to challenge every concept. Living with my mother and different families of different races in foster care has made me in a way a more free person. I bring race up in a conversation with Lola each time we are together. If we are discussing poor education or class, I will always argue that they are products of racism. Lola thinks I hate white people. I dont understand how admitting what is true or saying the word "racism" means I hate white people. I mean it's just obvious we live and operate under a white supremacist society. perhaps it is not direct overt racism but existing in a system which the -isms are maintained is just as bad as supporting it.

To make a long story short race is becoming more important to me on a daily basis. before I was about "peace" and change and wanting to "save the world," but you know what? The world's oppression is largely due to race and class systems. and omg so much racism exists I just dont get these ignorant/ in-denial people at Brown. if you mother disapproves of you dating a black guy, if you think black people got here because of affirmative action, if you think a mexican girl who wears hoops is ghetto or that asians are acceptable because they are "smart" then you are a racist. or at least, upholding racist values or racializing. some at brown cannot understand what the point of the twc is. like I said justice does not mean that people are included. justice means that people are free to define their own lives & have their spaces.

to be free we must triumph societial constructions as much as we can

[AND really it comes down to my love for people.]