(no subject)
ok..i dont know whats wrong with me..nathan and joel made friends up here..hell they actually kept in touch with their friends in memphis..they talk to them on the phone all the time..but i somehow got the short straw..i hardly ever talk to anybody in memphis if at all and i made practically no friends here..i have john..thats it and i have no freakin idea how im gona go 30 days without seein him or huggin him or anything..i can hardly go a week..he is everything i have and i need him..i really dont know where i would be if we hadnt met..i would be so lonely and so upset all the time but im not..he makes me feel special and loved and is always assuring me everything is gona be ok and i love that..i love that my parents trust us enough to let him stay in our house and i love when we stay up late just holdin eachother watchin tv or somethin..i love that we're different from everybody else..just the way everything is set up..we have the chance to experience what most teenagers dont..and him being here is so great but i get attached easily..and him being right here made it a lot easier for me to be attached..now hes just gone and i dont know what to do..im just lost without him..hes the only person i trust with so much stuff..i can honestly say hes my only friend here and when hes gone im just lonely and that is the worst feeling ive ever had..i donthave anybody here to help me get my mind off it or to talk to about it..i cant talk to my mom because she doesnt understand..she just thinks its a silly little fling and we're gona break up..its different..if i could specify every little thing i wanted in a guy he would still be better..i wouldnt change anything about him..hes just the sweetest kindest most true person youll ever meet..hes been through so much yet he still always puts a smile on and wants to help other people..he understands so much and really takes things to heart..he is so smart and so amazing..hes just a really good person inside and out and the thought of losing him is heartbreaking..you can ask anybody i know..i havent ever gotten truly upset over a guy..i just never had a reason to..if he was a jerk or somethin i just got over it..why would i cry over some guy who wasnt gona treat me right? i just think its a waste of time but johns really different..i would do anything for him and i want the best for him..i want him to be happy and have a great life..i love him so much and losing him would just make me crazy..i wouldnt have somebody that was always willing to help me and love me no matter what..hes like my soulmate..i love everything about him..good and bad..i want to believe that hes coming back..he says he is ..i have to believe him i guess..its not that i dont trust him..i do..its just that the situation is like a soap oprah or somethin..i duno..he says his family wants him to go to school here and he says he does and i think he does..i know i want him to but i want him to do what he wants. he always tells me everything is gona be ok and everything is gona work out for the best and i have to believe that..i wish i could just get done with high school..everybody says its the best years of your life and i wish icould see what they mean..i jus really hate bein lonely and knowing that im gona go to school everyday and not be able to go talk to friends or even the stupid stuff like having my locker decorated on my birthday..i know that i wont have that and people take that for granted..and it hurts..it really truly hurts..i just wanna fast foward through all this but then i get scared when time moves too fast..its like i wanna enjoy it and i want things to get better but then they just dont..i dont want everything to be perfect but i dont want to be lonely anymore..im jsut sick of it..its awful..when johsn here..im not lonely..i know that im always gona have a partner in science class or im gona have somebody to ride the roller coaster with or jus ride bikes with or go to the mall with.. and we've never talked online that much or on the phone..if we had to say somethin we said it in person and there are always hugs and kisses and jus holding hands and a month is a long time when youre thinkin aout what youre missing instead of what you have..and i wanna think about what i have..and i wanna be thankful for it but its really hard to think of the good things..i miss him so much already and hes not even in brasilia yet..it hasnt even been 2 days..i know i sounds crazy..like a stalker or somethin but im really not..i just dont wanna lose the most valuable thing i have..i wanna spend so much more time with him and do so many more things..and im really scared that it wont happen..he tells me its what he wants to..and i believe him..jus lookin at the big picture..it makes things more complicated..there are a lot of factors and sometimes the chances just dont look so good and other times..they do..i duno..all this is just so hard to explain and i duno what to do..i wanna jus go on like normal everyday and hope itll go by faster than it will but its hard..when i clean my room i find a pair of socks or underwear he forgot or a reminder he wrote to himself or just knowing he slept in my bed all that timeand now its just gona sit there made all the time..i cant stand it..im probly just bein really dramatic and he probly is comin back but i still cant help thinkin about the chance that he wont..hes everything to me..ughhh i just needed to vent..