(no subject)
I'm waiting for A. to get off his shift and come over at 7 am with cappucino and cake in hand. I won't tell him that I stayed awake all night in anticipation of his arrival. Or maybe I will. He thinks my head is fucked up, but only a little. I have so much to say but I'm afraid to write. I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I'm sad now and I know it will get better but gosh I haven't felt this way in a really long time and I haven't missed it at all. If only I could get organized, stop going to bed at sunrise and waking up at sunset. I miss summer and Vitamin D. The Winter is out to get to me and my feet are never dry because I care too much about the way I look to buy weather-appropriate boots. This is shit. I wish I would find myself in the Missed Connections section on Craigslist.I wish I could stop thinking about myself, and that others would start thinking about me more. I wish that when I saw Isabelle on the street last night she had tried to talk to me so I could've ignored her and thought of clever insults after she had departed, but she didn't notice me at all. I wish I could write better songs and be an extrovert and makes things happen for myself. I keep meeting these people that are characters in books I dream of writing and movies I want to make but they are wasted on my forgetful mind. Am I grumpy because I am lacking or am I lacking because I am grumpy? I am scared for J. and am jealous of everyone. I wish I hadn't been misled to believe that I could do anything I wanted to when I grew up. The things I want to remember the most fade the fastest. Cannot string the things going on in my head into a coherent expression. I only feel at ease when I'm having a conversation with someone in bed. Today I forgot how old I am.
Cons: Grudges.
A roving eye and a wandering mind.
Procrastinates.
Intellectual inadequacy.
Hermit.
Stage fright.
Terrible first impressions.
Indecisive.
Apathetic.
Misses too much.
Judgemental.
Dwell.
NEGATIVE.
Pros: Caring.
Cutting hair.
Traveler.
Independent.
Knowing the difference between right and wrong.
Never get homesick.
Photographs.
Poems and songs.
Music.
Content being alone.
Cooking.
Making eyes.
Listening.
Modesty.
Love.
I'm so afraid for the future. I'm so angry that I was left motherless before I was fully developed and that I can't call her to talk to her when I've had a bad day or when I have good news. I'm sorry that I never took the time to grieve. I didn't know how. No one ever showed me. I have a father who believes I started smoking because I have no female role model. I need goals.
This summer I worked on the first floor of an architecture firm. My desk was across from the staircase and I memorized the different footsteps that would descend it periodically throughout the day.
Note to self: Acquire more favourites. Make more Top 10 lists. Be more articulate. Quit it with the tough exterior thing. People will be more cautious around you if they know you are ultra-sensitive and bruise easily.