(no subject)
This journal is so foreign to me. The last time I wrote in this was before eleventh grade started. It's halfway through the school year now, and I don't even recognize that old version of myself. I've changed so much in just the last few months.
Random hook-ups, not-so-random hook-ups. I've got through more guys in the last few months than pretty much the rest of my life combined. Some have meant the world to me, some have been guys I barely knew, or didn't even care about. I've learned since August that a kiss is just a kiss. It doesn't have to be such a big ordeal. Okay, since August, I have cheated. And I have been the girl a guy cheated on his girl with. I have been the cause of a break up. I have hooked up with a guy I barely knew. I have hooked up with a guy I have been "oh so in love" with two years of my life. I have hooked up in school. I have hooked up with a coworker. I have lied and deceived and snuck around. I have made guys the focal-point in my life. I have gone too far with guys I probably shouldn't have. I have let myself be used as a whore. I have let guys believe they can turn to me when they need some quick action. I have gotten involved with a guy possessing all the things I promised myself I'd never get involved with. Actually, more than one guy. I have over-analyzed one hook-up so badly that I made myself ill. I have had other hook-ups that I haven't thought about since the event. I have started a little black book and promptly began to fill it. I have added dozens of men to my list of possible one-night stands list. I have ditched out on friends for guys. I have gotten friends involved in my lies about guys. I have had unbelievably dirty conversations. I have engaged in some lovely public displays of affection. And I've loved every minute of it.
And I don't care. Well, I mean, I care. Obviously. But I state all these facts as just that. Facts. No emotion attached to the memories. Some of these men and hook-ups have changed my life, true enough. But I can write this paragraph with more flashback than actual thought. Before August, this was the girl I thought I would be. I had always pictured myself being a girl who can hook-up with guys and not care the next day. I pictured myself meeting guys too old/bad/mature/immature/hated/etc for me. And going out with them anyway. Like I am now.
It's just that, since August, I have morphed into this girl more and more. I am proud to say I have no regrets though. I have never done anything that bad. By my standards or most everyone else's. I can wake up each morning and smile because I am enjoying what I have now. Without having any terrible consequences hanging over me.
But I hate saying that I've only changed in terms of how I relate and intertwine with men. That's far from the truth. Eleventh grade has been the start and end of so many things. The start to future-planning, the start of some amazing friendships, the start of daily fights with my mother. The end of complete innocence. The end of nativity. The end of being able to put off important matters. The end of some non amazing friendships.
I've learned how to handle so many situations that I never though I'd have to deal with. My father's death. The split of my family afterwards. Friends getting into trouble and turning to some not-so-great ways of coping. Watching my mom make the same mistakes I am making.
I don't know. I didn't start this entry to reminisce in old times. Five months is not that much time. And it's not that I've changed who I am. I haven't. In truth, I am the same girl I was in August. The same girl I was all my life. It's just that, as I grow older, I have become, and am continuing to become, more comfortable in my skin. I am less afraid to show the girl I have always wanted to be. I think now, more than ever, I am the girl I want to be. I have come so far. I have traveled so far out of my shell, out of my comfort zone. I still have farther to go. I still hold back some. You would never guess by looking at me, I know. Lol. But for the most part, I'm happy now. I wasn't happy last year this time. I wasn't being true to myself. I think I am now.
This is more deep than I really felt like being. But whatever. Shannon is prolly the only one who will read this. And it's not like anything I said wasn't true. So I'll post it. Whatevs. I love you, Shannon. And whoever else stumbles across this. I wonder if it'll be another five months before I post another entry in this. And how much I'll change in the next five months...
Random hook-ups, not-so-random hook-ups. I've got through more guys in the last few months than pretty much the rest of my life combined. Some have meant the world to me, some have been guys I barely knew, or didn't even care about. I've learned since August that a kiss is just a kiss. It doesn't have to be such a big ordeal. Okay, since August, I have cheated. And I have been the girl a guy cheated on his girl with. I have been the cause of a break up. I have hooked up with a guy I barely knew. I have hooked up with a guy I have been "oh so in love" with two years of my life. I have hooked up in school. I have hooked up with a coworker. I have lied and deceived and snuck around. I have made guys the focal-point in my life. I have gone too far with guys I probably shouldn't have. I have let myself be used as a whore. I have let guys believe they can turn to me when they need some quick action. I have gotten involved with a guy possessing all the things I promised myself I'd never get involved with. Actually, more than one guy. I have over-analyzed one hook-up so badly that I made myself ill. I have had other hook-ups that I haven't thought about since the event. I have started a little black book and promptly began to fill it. I have added dozens of men to my list of possible one-night stands list. I have ditched out on friends for guys. I have gotten friends involved in my lies about guys. I have had unbelievably dirty conversations. I have engaged in some lovely public displays of affection. And I've loved every minute of it.
And I don't care. Well, I mean, I care. Obviously. But I state all these facts as just that. Facts. No emotion attached to the memories. Some of these men and hook-ups have changed my life, true enough. But I can write this paragraph with more flashback than actual thought. Before August, this was the girl I thought I would be. I had always pictured myself being a girl who can hook-up with guys and not care the next day. I pictured myself meeting guys too old/bad/mature/immature/hated/etc for me. And going out with them anyway. Like I am now.
It's just that, since August, I have morphed into this girl more and more. I am proud to say I have no regrets though. I have never done anything that bad. By my standards or most everyone else's. I can wake up each morning and smile because I am enjoying what I have now. Without having any terrible consequences hanging over me.
But I hate saying that I've only changed in terms of how I relate and intertwine with men. That's far from the truth. Eleventh grade has been the start and end of so many things. The start to future-planning, the start of some amazing friendships, the start of daily fights with my mother. The end of complete innocence. The end of nativity. The end of being able to put off important matters. The end of some non amazing friendships.
I've learned how to handle so many situations that I never though I'd have to deal with. My father's death. The split of my family afterwards. Friends getting into trouble and turning to some not-so-great ways of coping. Watching my mom make the same mistakes I am making.
I don't know. I didn't start this entry to reminisce in old times. Five months is not that much time. And it's not that I've changed who I am. I haven't. In truth, I am the same girl I was in August. The same girl I was all my life. It's just that, as I grow older, I have become, and am continuing to become, more comfortable in my skin. I am less afraid to show the girl I have always wanted to be. I think now, more than ever, I am the girl I want to be. I have come so far. I have traveled so far out of my shell, out of my comfort zone. I still have farther to go. I still hold back some. You would never guess by looking at me, I know. Lol. But for the most part, I'm happy now. I wasn't happy last year this time. I wasn't being true to myself. I think I am now.
This is more deep than I really felt like being. But whatever. Shannon is prolly the only one who will read this. And it's not like anything I said wasn't true. So I'll post it. Whatevs. I love you, Shannon. And whoever else stumbles across this. I wonder if it'll be another five months before I post another entry in this. And how much I'll change in the next five months...