(no subject)
I feel like absolute shit right now. Gawd I just don't know anymore.
Thanks Josh for calling me, I really needed to talk to someone, really really badly. I just got pissed off when the cordless phone died. It barely lasts an hour these days, which is really upsetting for me. Need new cord phone, but can't afford it, and mum isn't gonna bother, so that's just...annoying and depressing.
Miss Chris so badly, he's not txting me back, cos he never has his phone on him at home. He just leaves it there and checks it at the end of the night. Really wish I could talk to him right now.
Haven't been going to school anymore, I can't stand it at Naenae College anymore. Heaps of horrible disrespectful people there, and when they dislike you, they make a huge statement of it. And I have put up with that horrible school for over 3 years. No more.
I am sick to death of having no money anymore, because I really need a top up card for my cellphone, I am relying on mums phone now. This is driving me nuts. It's cos I only had 1 shift a week at work, so I only made $28 a week, and now I'm paying off this stupid laptop, though although it has given me some mere amusement to help pass my time, has not made me any happier at all. Infact, I've gotten worse. Now I learn an important lesson, that money can't buy you happiness, especially when you are emotionally torn, when the one thing you want, to make you feel better isn't there, no material possession will make you feel better. And nothing money could buy right now could make me feel better. Not even a top up card, though it would provide me with temporary relief, being able to text someone when I'm down, though I am now relying on this stupid cellphone too much, what would happen if I was to lose it? I'd be royally screwed. I know it.
I still really need to talk to someone. Preferrably Chris, as I miss him like fuck right now. Feels like I haven't seen him in such a long time. Well, nearly 18 hours is a while, but I mean like weeks, ya know? But never mind, another gawd I dunno, 22 hours? And I get to see him.
Haven't been eating right for about a year. That would probably be the answer to my constantly feeling weak all the time, and my crazy weight loss. Man, I just don't feel like eating. Maybe I should. Yeah I will in the morning. When I should be being harassed for no particular reason at Naenae. Is it because I'm always so nice to everyone? That I never stand up for myself, ever? I thought good karma builds up, or something like that, and it pays off. I think I'm a good person, maybe, but I guess not. I always try to be so nice to people, even when I dislike them, we've had bad history, or they were nasty to me 5 minutes ago, I try to be nice, I don't hold grudges, blah, blah, blah. And this is what I get in return. Shit thrown at me, if you will call it that. So yeah, that's what scared me away from school. And it goes a lot deeper than that, but I don't want to think about it.
Man, I'm having doubts about even surviving the night, right now. Though that would be a bad idea. I have so much ahead of me, and if I was to do something stupid, I would not be able to see Chris or anyone else again would I? But to make this feeling go away, oh man...I wish!
I wouldn't be complaining if it wasn't constant, but then I'm just becoming an angsty teenager. I don't want that. I'm not one of those weirdos who are like "I want to die. I can't take it any more. Nobody knows what it feels like! I'm the only one who feels this way! Nobody would ever understand!" ~ but I know that all or most of you do understand, you know what it's like. I don't want to die. Okay so I'm sick of taking it, but, I'm just gonna get through.
So basically, all life is for me now, is: Home, town, home, work, home, town, work, blah blah blah...
It's actually very depressing sitting round all day doing nothing. Or the equivallent of. Even if it's playing on the laptop, it's still nothing. I should do something.
On Friday, my dean called, and I was like "Oh, busted!", but then I explained everything to her, how I felt about school, blah blah. And she said to meet her at 10am on Monday, and we would go to the guidance counsellor and discuss possible things I could do.
So on Monday morning I accidentally overslept with a hangover. Woke up at 10 05am! I was like "oh, fuck."
So I called the school and asked them to put me through to Ms Donaldson to say I was sick and couldn't make the meeting with her, and guess what: the school told me Ms Donaldson didn't make it in today anyway! Bloody woman stood me up! Why?!?! But anyway that don't matter no more, I'm off the hook; it's all good. But question - what do I do now? I should call her again and ask what to do, because hell, I don't know!
Anyways I'm feeling really drained, and it's almost midnight, so I should go to sleep or something. I'm gonna get up at like 7 30 to steal mum's phone before she goes to work, text Chris, and tell him to call me dammit!!, and then go back to sleep for a bit, cos there's no way he will be up then, then I'm gonna wake up, flip out at my sister for taking the internet cord, ask her if I can use the phone, she will say no, then I will get really upset and try to kill myself or something cos I didn't get my way. Nice huh?
Chris is right; I also wish I could just curl up with him and go to sleep. Haven't had any chance to do that lately. Well, not a proper good sleep, when we can just get up whenever we feel like it anyways.
Oooh and yes, today, oh man, it was bad! The worst day ever! Not even because of depressed-ness, but because...
I was on the phone to a friend today, and I left my room, then I smashed my left knee into the door frame! That was alright though, the pain stopped after a few minutes.
That's not the worst part though; I was at work a few hours later, and I was busy going god knows what, went through to the back half of our "kitchen thingy", and smashed THE SAME KNEE into a stool! Okay, so you crash into a stool and it flies forward normally, minimising the impact, but no! on top of the stool was a bucket of boiling water! >.<
That's okay too, because the pain went away after I walk/ran it off. But then a couple of hours later I was doing the dishes out the back, went to put something on top of the freezer, and smashed THE SAME KNEE, AGAIN, on a bucket containing god knows what, and since it was against the freezer, and had -I have no idea what-, in it, it seemed very hard. So anyway, now I have a very sore knee. It is bruised though I cannot see the bruise. Will probably be there tomorrow.
Gawd what a rant. I'm sorry. Really I am. I am going to bed now. Sleeeeeep. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, I feel like shit, and am in pain in various places. Some pains can be cured and some cannot. Anyhow...yeah...later...
Thanks Josh for calling me, I really needed to talk to someone, really really badly. I just got pissed off when the cordless phone died. It barely lasts an hour these days, which is really upsetting for me. Need new cord phone, but can't afford it, and mum isn't gonna bother, so that's just...annoying and depressing.
Miss Chris so badly, he's not txting me back, cos he never has his phone on him at home. He just leaves it there and checks it at the end of the night. Really wish I could talk to him right now.
Haven't been going to school anymore, I can't stand it at Naenae College anymore. Heaps of horrible disrespectful people there, and when they dislike you, they make a huge statement of it. And I have put up with that horrible school for over 3 years. No more.
I am sick to death of having no money anymore, because I really need a top up card for my cellphone, I am relying on mums phone now. This is driving me nuts. It's cos I only had 1 shift a week at work, so I only made $28 a week, and now I'm paying off this stupid laptop, though although it has given me some mere amusement to help pass my time, has not made me any happier at all. Infact, I've gotten worse. Now I learn an important lesson, that money can't buy you happiness, especially when you are emotionally torn, when the one thing you want, to make you feel better isn't there, no material possession will make you feel better. And nothing money could buy right now could make me feel better. Not even a top up card, though it would provide me with temporary relief, being able to text someone when I'm down, though I am now relying on this stupid cellphone too much, what would happen if I was to lose it? I'd be royally screwed. I know it.
I still really need to talk to someone. Preferrably Chris, as I miss him like fuck right now. Feels like I haven't seen him in such a long time. Well, nearly 18 hours is a while, but I mean like weeks, ya know? But never mind, another gawd I dunno, 22 hours? And I get to see him.
Haven't been eating right for about a year. That would probably be the answer to my constantly feeling weak all the time, and my crazy weight loss. Man, I just don't feel like eating. Maybe I should. Yeah I will in the morning. When I should be being harassed for no particular reason at Naenae. Is it because I'm always so nice to everyone? That I never stand up for myself, ever? I thought good karma builds up, or something like that, and it pays off. I think I'm a good person, maybe, but I guess not. I always try to be so nice to people, even when I dislike them, we've had bad history, or they were nasty to me 5 minutes ago, I try to be nice, I don't hold grudges, blah, blah, blah. And this is what I get in return. Shit thrown at me, if you will call it that. So yeah, that's what scared me away from school. And it goes a lot deeper than that, but I don't want to think about it.
Man, I'm having doubts about even surviving the night, right now. Though that would be a bad idea. I have so much ahead of me, and if I was to do something stupid, I would not be able to see Chris or anyone else again would I? But to make this feeling go away, oh man...I wish!
I wouldn't be complaining if it wasn't constant, but then I'm just becoming an angsty teenager. I don't want that. I'm not one of those weirdos who are like "I want to die. I can't take it any more. Nobody knows what it feels like! I'm the only one who feels this way! Nobody would ever understand!" ~ but I know that all or most of you do understand, you know what it's like. I don't want to die. Okay so I'm sick of taking it, but, I'm just gonna get through.
So basically, all life is for me now, is: Home, town, home, work, home, town, work, blah blah blah...
It's actually very depressing sitting round all day doing nothing. Or the equivallent of. Even if it's playing on the laptop, it's still nothing. I should do something.
On Friday, my dean called, and I was like "Oh, busted!", but then I explained everything to her, how I felt about school, blah blah. And she said to meet her at 10am on Monday, and we would go to the guidance counsellor and discuss possible things I could do.
So on Monday morning I accidentally overslept with a hangover. Woke up at 10 05am! I was like "oh, fuck."
So I called the school and asked them to put me through to Ms Donaldson to say I was sick and couldn't make the meeting with her, and guess what: the school told me Ms Donaldson didn't make it in today anyway! Bloody woman stood me up! Why?!?! But anyway that don't matter no more, I'm off the hook; it's all good. But question - what do I do now? I should call her again and ask what to do, because hell, I don't know!
Anyways I'm feeling really drained, and it's almost midnight, so I should go to sleep or something. I'm gonna get up at like 7 30 to steal mum's phone before she goes to work, text Chris, and tell him to call me dammit!!, and then go back to sleep for a bit, cos there's no way he will be up then, then I'm gonna wake up, flip out at my sister for taking the internet cord, ask her if I can use the phone, she will say no, then I will get really upset and try to kill myself or something cos I didn't get my way. Nice huh?
Chris is right; I also wish I could just curl up with him and go to sleep. Haven't had any chance to do that lately. Well, not a proper good sleep, when we can just get up whenever we feel like it anyways.
Oooh and yes, today, oh man, it was bad! The worst day ever! Not even because of depressed-ness, but because...
I was on the phone to a friend today, and I left my room, then I smashed my left knee into the door frame! That was alright though, the pain stopped after a few minutes.
That's not the worst part though; I was at work a few hours later, and I was busy going god knows what, went through to the back half of our "kitchen thingy", and smashed THE SAME KNEE into a stool! Okay, so you crash into a stool and it flies forward normally, minimising the impact, but no! on top of the stool was a bucket of boiling water! >.<
That's okay too, because the pain went away after I walk/ran it off. But then a couple of hours later I was doing the dishes out the back, went to put something on top of the freezer, and smashed THE SAME KNEE, AGAIN, on a bucket containing god knows what, and since it was against the freezer, and had -I have no idea what-, in it, it seemed very hard. So anyway, now I have a very sore knee. It is bruised though I cannot see the bruise. Will probably be there tomorrow.
Gawd what a rant. I'm sorry. Really I am. I am going to bed now. Sleeeeeep. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, I feel like shit, and am in pain in various places. Some pains can be cured and some cannot. Anyhow...yeah...later...