(no subject)
I really haven't written anything.. "real" in a while. I've been spending a lot of time with new friends. I met this new friend, Greg, about a week and a half ago and we've seen each other nearly every day since then. We spend a lot of time commisserating about the same things. Exes, mostly. We spend a lot of time at the local coffee shop-- him writing his novel while I read philosophy or do japanese. We jokingly share joint custody of my Versace sunglasses, who we have named "Lola", since him and his roommate Mickey think they are "absolutely fabulous". It's strange, really. Strange because it's the first time since coming to college that I've had to make an entirely new set of friends. Molly has been gone for the past week and a half, living at her boyfriend's, but she left the friendship emotionally much earlier than that. Elaine is hardly around at the same times I am. I've lost touch with most of the others I used to be close with here. Wow, a lot of others now that I think about it. I want to chalk part of it up to changing and growing, but I have to admit that the other part is simply me being a shitty friend. I lose contact with friends so easily in a lot of cases.
At any rate, though, I leave for Chicago tomorrow, which is scary and exciting but mostly scary. I'd prefer not to go. I dont have health insurance; I have homework; I have tons of homework; I have agoraphobia. I'd rather stay here and pretend that I would get things done, but Chicago will be fun I suppose. Time with my Gena.
I just got distracted by Greg yet again, since we're surgically attached to each other lately.
I've spent the last few days in a sort of fog. Sometimes have fun, sometimes being detached from reality in a place somewhere between existence and non-existence. I went to Black Dog, another local coffee shop, yesterday in the evening and sat on the back deck with my mp3 player on, listening to Mogwai and watching the way the sun was setting through the trees, the way the water was rippling as ducks landed in the lake, and watched the moss from the trees sway in the breeze and realized I hadn't truly appreciated Tallahassee in a very long time. Lost my sense of wonder for it. Lost my sense of self for a while, there, too. It still isnt back, because I feel some sort of gaping hole. I dont know when it will be or if it will be. Maybe it's simply a different "sense of self" that I've come into.
It's very hard to look back and realize that life didn't exactly turn out the way that you had wanted. And that what you had wanted was better than what you currently have. I hope that this is only a fleeting sense of pessimism, but I saw myself as a much different person.
I guess it all just comes down to the nagging sense of loss and introversion that I feel lately. I want to reach out. But then, I don't. Or I can't. Or I get too annoyed with others or with myself to do so. I get annoyed with the person that comes out when I first meet someone. With the personality that seems to come on autopilot lately.. a sort of shadowpuppet of what I feel like I was. I'm in a rut and I'm not exactly sure how to get out of this one. Hell, I'm not sure at all.
I'm just stuck. Same way that I have been stuck for as long as I can recall. The hardest thing is not hiding that from myself.
I'm an expert at that.
I think I will lay down and sleep, now. It's very late.
At any rate, though, I leave for Chicago tomorrow, which is scary and exciting but mostly scary. I'd prefer not to go. I dont have health insurance; I have homework; I have tons of homework; I have agoraphobia. I'd rather stay here and pretend that I would get things done, but Chicago will be fun I suppose. Time with my Gena.
I just got distracted by Greg yet again, since we're surgically attached to each other lately.
I've spent the last few days in a sort of fog. Sometimes have fun, sometimes being detached from reality in a place somewhere between existence and non-existence. I went to Black Dog, another local coffee shop, yesterday in the evening and sat on the back deck with my mp3 player on, listening to Mogwai and watching the way the sun was setting through the trees, the way the water was rippling as ducks landed in the lake, and watched the moss from the trees sway in the breeze and realized I hadn't truly appreciated Tallahassee in a very long time. Lost my sense of wonder for it. Lost my sense of self for a while, there, too. It still isnt back, because I feel some sort of gaping hole. I dont know when it will be or if it will be. Maybe it's simply a different "sense of self" that I've come into.
It's very hard to look back and realize that life didn't exactly turn out the way that you had wanted. And that what you had wanted was better than what you currently have. I hope that this is only a fleeting sense of pessimism, but I saw myself as a much different person.
I guess it all just comes down to the nagging sense of loss and introversion that I feel lately. I want to reach out. But then, I don't. Or I can't. Or I get too annoyed with others or with myself to do so. I get annoyed with the person that comes out when I first meet someone. With the personality that seems to come on autopilot lately.. a sort of shadowpuppet of what I feel like I was. I'm in a rut and I'm not exactly sure how to get out of this one. Hell, I'm not sure at all.
I'm just stuck. Same way that I have been stuck for as long as I can recall. The hardest thing is not hiding that from myself.
I'm an expert at that.
I think I will lay down and sleep, now. It's very late.