Its in the ABC's of growing up
Ohhh that old familiar feeling of rejection.
So much fun. This isn't the usual though.
You see I'd been seeing Jay since.... well a lil after my bday. My crush on him was exciting, and out of the blue, totally unexpected. I mean... hes my friends lil brother.. (haha yeah hes younger, but only a year haha)and i met him so randomly.. i mean i didnt even know Tom HAD a brother. But either way i just ate it up at first, it was so exciting, and it was going sooo well. It was easy with him, cuz at first at least, i had no doubts he liked me. He went out of his way for everything... he was my prince charming, and the best kind, the one that comes out of nowhere.
Then it just slowly fizzled out. This seems to happen with all my lil datings. Ive come to terms with the fact that its my fault, but i dont WANT to think that.
Anyways, it was a nice way to end things in the least, it wasn't shitty or anything. Things went a bit farther than they should have, things became more comfortable, and he got scared, you know how it is. But, i have mucho respect for him... he didnt end it in a text msg, he didn't tell me he was in love with my best friend... he simply just told me that we needed to talk. And he was scared. And he had been hurt before, and basically felt dead inside and although he cares about me, he was still hurting from the past and there was nothing he could do to change that. And even though it hurts me, he's not someone i can just delete out of my life. Thats what i did with Nolan (at first) and JP (whom to this day i could give to shits about) but I have way too much respect for Jay, and he's different. Even last week while i was dreading the end of things, cuz i knew it was happening, I knew I had to stay his friend. He's really a great guy, hes really done more good to me then bad. I mean he was human, and I know one day he will realize that he thought he was in love, realize he wasn't, and kick himself about how much time he wasted thinking it (Which i can totally relate to... considering I wasn't totally over Travis until I went back and faced shit in November... so it was pretty much a whole year I wasted) And I really can't blame him. Yes, i got upset, and yes I made him swear it wasn't me. I told him I needed him to be my friend but I needed him to realize that I still like him at this point, and he can't act weird and he promised he wouldn't. He even kissed me on the forehead, and rested his head on my head while we slept. And although I didn't want to be a pity case, and I pushed him away at first, it was exactly what I needed. I really care about him a lot, and I am really bummed out... but I just can't deny him from my life, its not that easy with him.. hes... special i guess.
And worth writing about in this good ol LJ i guess, haha.
Anyhow, now I am back to square one.. where I can do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I want. Not saying Jay ever in any way held me down... but I just could never bring myself to do anything stupid when I was with him. And now, unfortunately, I am back to risking stupid.
It seems like some people can so easily fall into relationships. And as much as i love being independent, I do want that. I just want somewhere there for me... does this make me sound stupid? I really feel stupid when I say, "im never going to find "the one" cuz it sounds so degrading, but I do think it and the thought scares the SHIT out of me... but at the same time the odds aren't very likely. Its just tougher with age, because more and more people have baggage (which was what happened in this case) But theres not a lot I can really do but be confident and hope for the best I guess.
Anyways I guess i just wanted to touchbase with the ol LJ about a great guy, and me getting a bum deal yet again hahaa.
So much fun. This isn't the usual though.
You see I'd been seeing Jay since.... well a lil after my bday. My crush on him was exciting, and out of the blue, totally unexpected. I mean... hes my friends lil brother.. (haha yeah hes younger, but only a year haha)and i met him so randomly.. i mean i didnt even know Tom HAD a brother. But either way i just ate it up at first, it was so exciting, and it was going sooo well. It was easy with him, cuz at first at least, i had no doubts he liked me. He went out of his way for everything... he was my prince charming, and the best kind, the one that comes out of nowhere.
Then it just slowly fizzled out. This seems to happen with all my lil datings. Ive come to terms with the fact that its my fault, but i dont WANT to think that.
Anyways, it was a nice way to end things in the least, it wasn't shitty or anything. Things went a bit farther than they should have, things became more comfortable, and he got scared, you know how it is. But, i have mucho respect for him... he didnt end it in a text msg, he didn't tell me he was in love with my best friend... he simply just told me that we needed to talk. And he was scared. And he had been hurt before, and basically felt dead inside and although he cares about me, he was still hurting from the past and there was nothing he could do to change that. And even though it hurts me, he's not someone i can just delete out of my life. Thats what i did with Nolan (at first) and JP (whom to this day i could give to shits about) but I have way too much respect for Jay, and he's different. Even last week while i was dreading the end of things, cuz i knew it was happening, I knew I had to stay his friend. He's really a great guy, hes really done more good to me then bad. I mean he was human, and I know one day he will realize that he thought he was in love, realize he wasn't, and kick himself about how much time he wasted thinking it (Which i can totally relate to... considering I wasn't totally over Travis until I went back and faced shit in November... so it was pretty much a whole year I wasted) And I really can't blame him. Yes, i got upset, and yes I made him swear it wasn't me. I told him I needed him to be my friend but I needed him to realize that I still like him at this point, and he can't act weird and he promised he wouldn't. He even kissed me on the forehead, and rested his head on my head while we slept. And although I didn't want to be a pity case, and I pushed him away at first, it was exactly what I needed. I really care about him a lot, and I am really bummed out... but I just can't deny him from my life, its not that easy with him.. hes... special i guess.
And worth writing about in this good ol LJ i guess, haha.
Anyhow, now I am back to square one.. where I can do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I want. Not saying Jay ever in any way held me down... but I just could never bring myself to do anything stupid when I was with him. And now, unfortunately, I am back to risking stupid.
It seems like some people can so easily fall into relationships. And as much as i love being independent, I do want that. I just want somewhere there for me... does this make me sound stupid? I really feel stupid when I say, "im never going to find "the one" cuz it sounds so degrading, but I do think it and the thought scares the SHIT out of me... but at the same time the odds aren't very likely. Its just tougher with age, because more and more people have baggage (which was what happened in this case) But theres not a lot I can really do but be confident and hope for the best I guess.
Anyways I guess i just wanted to touchbase with the ol LJ about a great guy, and me getting a bum deal yet again hahaa.