(no subject)
I just had an interesting conversation with Fi. It's funny how people can judge you after only hearing one side of a situation. I asked her what was wrong and the first words out of her mouth were, "You're being stupid with Nat."
Yes.. it is entirely my fault. I see that now. I could have gone on, blissfully happy and ignoreing whatever it was that was bugging me. If I'd kept quiet, Nat and I would still be friends, Fi wouldn't be on my case and the tears I've been crying this past week would still be inside me.
Another thing I found funny. Her last words, "one of u is gonna have to make up or ur gonna loose her forever."
Which, ofcourse, means I have to be the one to suck up all the hurt and 'make up'.
Fi knows, as well as I, what sort of person that Nat is. That if I don't make first contact.. she never will. I'm not even sure why. But it's a well known fact that Nat has far too much pride to be the one to start the 'talking phase'. She seems' to have locked herself in this castle devoid of any emotion, and is quite happy to sit there and maybe stare through the window while her best friend walks down the road out of town.
Are you going to chase after me? Are you going to call out through your window to me to wait a moment, while you get on your battle armor so we can wrestle this out?
Fi knows you won't. I guess I wish you would. I guess I wish I was worth enough that you'd lower whatever it is you've built inside of yourself to see if you can't salvage something.
Maybe you just can't? Maybe you are phsically unable to? Maybe you don't want to? Maybe secretly, you're glad to get rid of me, because I really have been a down right bitch lately.
Whatever the reason... I can't handle 'devoid of emotion Nat' anymore. I can't. Nat, there was a time once when I was inside of those walls with you. Over time, without me actually realising it, I got pushed out, until I was just another friend.
I don't want to be 'just another friend'. I can't accept that anymore, because I've seen more. I had more. You let me into your world, and I can probably garentee you it's all been subconsious, but you've pushed me out... and I really don't know you anymore. And.. I don't think you know me.
Do you really want all this to end my love? I could sit here until the cows come home, telling you how much I love you, but you'll never realise how much. You'll never know how much this kills me. But I'm realising, very slowly, that I'm not willing to settle for what I've got. That I want what I had... and I guess the decision lies with you, and if you are willing to give it back to me.
Either that... or Kat spends some long, lonely night 'getting over you'. Maybe when I can wake up in the morning without automatically wondering how you're doing, we can talk about being 'just friends'.