(no subject)
Title: Risk
Fandom: Farscape
Summary: A drabble. Crichton's thoughts.
Pairing: John/Aeryn
Rating: PG
Spoilers/Setting: Set during Season 4's Terra Firma
Cross-Posted:
farscapefic
He doesn’t think his life could get any stranger. As a young boy he used to dream of being in space, but he never thought it might actually come true.
Not like this.
And now that he is back on Earth... it is getting weirder.
So much has he changed over the years, he is shocked by how stagnant he finds his home planet. Like the world was snap-frozen the moment he launched in his module.
Especially Caroline.
God she makes his heart ache. He remembers caring for her, and he remembers her soft feathery touch. Her kisses were always light and teasing, always allowing him to take control. Assuring herself that he wanted her. Always questioning.
But he hasn’t thought of her. While he has missed Earth, missed his Dad and DK and his family... Caroline was only ever an afterthought. Roped into the collective ‘missing normalcy’ category.
And now she is back, squeezing herself into his hectic life, trying to find the place in his heart where she once sat.
But that place is no longer there. It’s been remoulded. Stretched and redesigned. And it has a new resident.
Aeryn Sun is everything that Caroline isn’t. She is a dark counterpoint. A shadow, where Caroline was his light. These women are at completely different ends of the spectrum, and he remembers loving both. How can he now tell Caroline she was never what he wanted?
When Caroline asks him about Aeryn, he cannot answer. The drugs coursing through his body confuse him. She knows, he can tell by the look in her eyes, that there is something.
He knows there is something too. But he can’t remember what.
When he see’s Aeryn, that’s when he remembers. That’s when the memories come flooding back, and the knowledge that if Scorpius even gets a hint at those feelings he’ll destroy her. And her child. He can’t allow that to happen, so he takes another whiff of his drugs and falls back into Caroline’s arms because Aeryn herself is enough to break through the wall and it hurts him so damn much to do this too her.
He knows she loves him. And he knows the things she did to him weren’t her fault, and it is a convenient excuse he has latched on too. And he hates it. He hates himself and he wishes he could tell her the truth. He wants to be with her and his body aches for her.
And when he is with Caroline, lost in the murky haze, he cannot understand why they just don’t feel right. He doesn’t know how to tell her that she doesn’t do for him what she once did. He can’t explain his need for something darker. Something stronger.
Somewhere, deep in the back of his mind, there is a part of him that always knows how badly he is hurting Aeryn, destroying her soul bit by bit. A part that whispers to him that he is using Caroline, whose love for him runs far deeper then he’s aware.
A part that fills him with self loathing, because even though he knows how necessary it is... how he’s protecting her, he can only just convince himself that it’s worth it.
That the risk of loosing Aeryn completely is worth the damage to them all.
Fandom: Farscape
Summary: A drabble. Crichton's thoughts.
Pairing: John/Aeryn
Rating: PG
Spoilers/Setting: Set during Season 4's Terra Firma
Cross-Posted:
farscapefic
He doesn’t think his life could get any stranger. As a young boy he used to dream of being in space, but he never thought it might actually come true.
Not like this.
And now that he is back on Earth... it is getting weirder.
So much has he changed over the years, he is shocked by how stagnant he finds his home planet. Like the world was snap-frozen the moment he launched in his module.
Especially Caroline.
God she makes his heart ache. He remembers caring for her, and he remembers her soft feathery touch. Her kisses were always light and teasing, always allowing him to take control. Assuring herself that he wanted her. Always questioning.
But he hasn’t thought of her. While he has missed Earth, missed his Dad and DK and his family... Caroline was only ever an afterthought. Roped into the collective ‘missing normalcy’ category.
And now she is back, squeezing herself into his hectic life, trying to find the place in his heart where she once sat.
But that place is no longer there. It’s been remoulded. Stretched and redesigned. And it has a new resident.
Aeryn Sun is everything that Caroline isn’t. She is a dark counterpoint. A shadow, where Caroline was his light. These women are at completely different ends of the spectrum, and he remembers loving both. How can he now tell Caroline she was never what he wanted?
When Caroline asks him about Aeryn, he cannot answer. The drugs coursing through his body confuse him. She knows, he can tell by the look in her eyes, that there is something.
He knows there is something too. But he can’t remember what.
When he see’s Aeryn, that’s when he remembers. That’s when the memories come flooding back, and the knowledge that if Scorpius even gets a hint at those feelings he’ll destroy her. And her child. He can’t allow that to happen, so he takes another whiff of his drugs and falls back into Caroline’s arms because Aeryn herself is enough to break through the wall and it hurts him so damn much to do this too her.
He knows she loves him. And he knows the things she did to him weren’t her fault, and it is a convenient excuse he has latched on too. And he hates it. He hates himself and he wishes he could tell her the truth. He wants to be with her and his body aches for her.
And when he is with Caroline, lost in the murky haze, he cannot understand why they just don’t feel right. He doesn’t know how to tell her that she doesn’t do for him what she once did. He can’t explain his need for something darker. Something stronger.
Somewhere, deep in the back of his mind, there is a part of him that always knows how badly he is hurting Aeryn, destroying her soul bit by bit. A part that whispers to him that he is using Caroline, whose love for him runs far deeper then he’s aware.
A part that fills him with self loathing, because even though he knows how necessary it is... how he’s protecting her, he can only just convince himself that it’s worth it.
That the risk of loosing Aeryn completely is worth the damage to them all.