Ye Legende of Troie
because of all the hoo-ha, and because it's difficult to work out wtf everyone is complaining about if you haven't read the Iliad, I present to you:
Ye Legende of Troie
Withe a Caste of Thoufandes!!
Ytte is anne Evennt Notte to be Missd
Princypalle Characters
Trojans:
Priam - A Kinge
Hector - His Sonne
Paris - Another Sonne, raifed by fhepherds and later returned to his famillie
Greeks:
Menelaus - Kinge of Sparta
Agamemnon - Kinge of Argos and Menalaus' Brother
Achilles - Commander of the Myrmidons. An Heroe
Patroclus - His Bitch
Helen - The Moft Beautifulle Womynne on Earth, and an Whole Lotte of Trouble to Boot
Others:
Odysseus - Kinge of Ithaca
Thetis - An Goddefse and Mother of Achilles
Athena - An Goddefse of Wifdomme
Hera - An Goddefse and Wyfe of Zeus
Aphrodite - An Goddefse of Love
Eris - An Goddefse of Stryfe
Act One, Scene One. A Mountaine.
Thetis: I am going to marry Peleus, even though he is a mortal.
Zeus: Okay.
Eris: Can I come?
Zeus: No.
Eris turns up anyway
Eris: Here's a golden apple. It's for the fairest goddess.
Hera: Me!
Athena: Me!
Aphrodite: Me!
Zeus: Uh...hey, Paris, why don't you decide?
Paris: ...
Act One, Scene Two. The Same Mountaine, Later
Hera: Pick me, and I'll make you the most powerful man in the world.
Athena: Pick me, and I'll make you the wisest man in the world.
Aphrodite: Pick me, and I'll give you the hottest babe in the world.
Paris: I pick...Aphrodite!
Aphrodite: Trust a man. *smirk*
Act Two, Scene One. Somewhere in Greece
Menelaus: Your daughter is a piece of ass. Can I marry her?
Tyndareus: No.
Menelaus: Oh, please?
Tyndareus: Well, all right, but only if you make peace with all the Greek nations.
Menelaus: Done and done.
Act Two, Scene Two. A Weddynge
Menelaus: With this ring, I thee wed.
Helen: *is beautiful*
Agamemnon: With this ring, I thee wed.
Clytemnestra: *schemes*
Act Two, Scene Three. A Councyl of Peas Peace
Menelaus: So, we're agreed? We Greeks agree not to kill each other anymore, but to live instead in eternal brotherhood and solidarity?
Ambassadors: Sure thing!
Paris: Yeah, I...who is that?
Menelaus: That's Helen. My wife.
Paris: Uh huh.
Act Two, Scene Four. Later that Night
Paris: Hey, hot stuff, what say you and I do the Trojan dirty?
Helen: Why hello, sweet cheeks, that sounds good to me.
Paris: Fuckin' A! That's the first time that line's ever worked on anyone! Wanna ditch your husband and come back to Troy with me?
Helen: Sure. Never mind the devastating political repercussions it's bound to have - you're hot, I'm hot, let's fuck like bunnies.
Exeunt omnes to Troy
Act Three, Scene One. The city of Ilium
Odysseus: *knocks on door*
Guard: Helloooo?
Odysseus: Oh, hullo, I'm the king of Ithaca. I've come with my friend Menelaus; apparently you have something of his. Can we discuss it with the king?
Guard: Maybe. First, tell me, what is the airspeed velocity of an African swallow?
Menelaus: Laden or unladen?
Guard: ...No, you can't have your wife back. Bugger off.
Menelaus: *rage*
Act Three, Scene Two. A Beeche outside Troie
The Greek forces arrive
Agamemnon: Well, Menelaus, we could go up there with our army and get your wife back, or we could sit here for ten years and do pretty much nothing.
Menelaus: Doing nothing sounds good to me.
Act Three, Scene Three. The same Beeche, Ten Years Later
Agamemnon: Yo guys, look what I captured! It's a slave girl!
Chryseis: Woe.
Her Father (a Priest of Apollo): Dude, that's not sweet. Hey, Apollo, want to wreak some vengeance?
Apollo: *PLAGUE*
Greeks: *DIE*
Achilles: Um, Agamemnon, Apollo seems pretty pissed. Maybe you should give the slave girl back to her dad.
Agamemnon: Let me think about that...NO.
Achilles: Duuuuuude!
Agamemnon: Oh, okay. But I'm taking your slave as compensation for my loss.
Achilles: Briseis! Noooooo!
Agamemnon: Ha Ha!
Act Three, Scene Four. Ten Minutes Later
Menelaus: Oh come on, Achilles, it's not that big a deal!
Achilles: *SULK*
Odysseus: Listen, mate, we really ought to start thinking about taking some positive action against these Trojans, and for that we need you and your men. Be a sport, old chap, eh?
Achilles: *SULK*
Menelaus: Fine, forget about it. We don't need you.
Achilles: *SULK*
Act Four, Scene One. An Battle Fyeld Before Troie
Paris: Hey, Menelaus, I still got your wife! She's a right little goer, isn't she?!
Menelaus: *RAGE*
Paris: Aaaargh!
Aphrodite: *bitchsmacks Menelaus* Leave the kid alone, beardy!
Ajax: *fight*
Hector: *fight*
Ajax: *fight*
Hector: *fight*
Ajax: *fight*
Hector: *fight*
Ajax: Okay, I'm bored.
Hector: Me too. Call it a draw?
Ajax: Sure.
Act Four, Scene Two. The Greek Campe, on the See Shore
Hector: I'm burning the Greeks' boats. Whee!
Greeks: Woe.
Odysseus: Okay, this has gone on long enough. I say, Achilles, snap out of it!
Patroclus: Yes, do, darling. I want to fight!
Achilles: Fine, you go ahead and fight. Want to wear my armour? It looks almost as good on you as the schoolgirl costume.
Patroclus: GRATE YAY!
Five Seconds Later
Patroclus: Cooee, Hector, over here!
Hector: OMG ACHILLES! *STABMAIMKILL*
Patroclus: *hed no longer pastede on yay*
Hector: Wtf? Achilles? ...Patroclus?!!
Achilles: YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND, HO-FACE! PREPARE TO DIE!
Hector: *wibble*
Achilles: Do you mind hanging on a bit, though? You kind of stole my armour, and I need to get some more.
Act Four, Scene Three. A Few Dayes Hence
Thetis: Here you go, son, Uncle Hephaestus made you some lovely new armour.
Achilles: Thanks, mum. Right then. HECTOOOOOOOOOOR!
Hector: *runs*
Achilles: *chases*
Hector: *runs*
Achilles: *corners*
Hector: I'm not scared. I shall stand and fight like a man.
Achilles: WTF ever. *KILLZ*
Hector: *tied to chariot and dragged around the city a few million times*
Priam: My son is dead. Woe.
Act Four, Scene Four. The Greek camp
Priam: Can I have my son back, please?
Achilles: Okay, but it'll cost you.
Priam: Here, have some bounty.
Achilles: Rock on.
Patroclus' funeral
Greeks: *play games*
Achilles: *mourns*
Act Four, Scene Five. An Battel Fyeld
Paris: I'm gonna kill Achilles and prove my manliness to Helen.
Apollo: How big *is* your dick, anyway?
Paris: ...
Apollo: Oh, never mind. Aim for his ankle.
Paris: *aims and shoots*
Achilles: *dies*
Act Five, Scene One. A Little While Later
Greeks: Let's build an enormous horse and hide inside it!
Trojans: Oh look, there is an enormous horse outside our gates. What could it be?
Cassandra: IT'S A TRICK!
Trojans: Shut up, witch.
Laocoon: IT'S A TRICK!
Trojans: Really?
Laocoon: *eaten by an ominous snake*
Remarkably Suspicious Greek 'Fugitive' Who Came From Nowhere: It is a gift!
Trojans: YAY BOROMIR!!
They wheel the Horsey into the city. Later that night:
Greeks: *climb out of the horse and burn Troy to the ground*
Trojans: Woe.
Priam: *killed*
Cassandra: *as good as killed*
Everybody else: *also killed*
Greeks: Yeah, we know we rule.
Aeneas: Screw this, I'm leaving.
Anchises: Carry me, son.
Aeneas: Aw, daaaad! Do I have to?
Venus: Yes. Go found Rome, son.
Aeneas: *the Aeneid*
Menelaus: Right, Helen, you're coming back with me.
Helen: *no longer beautiful due to too much fucking like bunnies*
Menelaus: Well, damn. Ten years of war and all I get as a reward is this? Maybe we shouldn't have bothered.
Greeks: ...
Agamemnon: *is killed by Clytemnestra and her new boyfriend*
Agamemnon: Woe.
Odysseus: Well...that's a whole other story.
THE END
Ye Legende of Troie
Withe a Caste of Thoufandes!!
Ytte is anne Evennt Notte to be Missd
Princypalle Characters
Trojans:
Priam - A Kinge
Hector - His Sonne
Paris - Another Sonne, raifed by fhepherds and later returned to his famillie
Greeks:
Menelaus - Kinge of Sparta
Agamemnon - Kinge of Argos and Menalaus' Brother
Achilles - Commander of the Myrmidons. An Heroe
Patroclus - His Bitch
Helen - The Moft Beautifulle Womynne on Earth, and an Whole Lotte of Trouble to Boot
Others:
Odysseus - Kinge of Ithaca
Thetis - An Goddefse and Mother of Achilles
Athena - An Goddefse of Wifdomme
Hera - An Goddefse and Wyfe of Zeus
Aphrodite - An Goddefse of Love
Eris - An Goddefse of Stryfe
Act One, Scene One. A Mountaine.
Thetis: I am going to marry Peleus, even though he is a mortal.
Zeus: Okay.
Eris: Can I come?
Zeus: No.
Eris turns up anyway
Eris: Here's a golden apple. It's for the fairest goddess.
Hera: Me!
Athena: Me!
Aphrodite: Me!
Zeus: Uh...hey, Paris, why don't you decide?
Paris: ...
Act One, Scene Two. The Same Mountaine, Later
Hera: Pick me, and I'll make you the most powerful man in the world.
Athena: Pick me, and I'll make you the wisest man in the world.
Aphrodite: Pick me, and I'll give you the hottest babe in the world.
Paris: I pick...Aphrodite!
Aphrodite: Trust a man. *smirk*
Act Two, Scene One. Somewhere in Greece
Menelaus: Your daughter is a piece of ass. Can I marry her?
Tyndareus: No.
Menelaus: Oh, please?
Tyndareus: Well, all right, but only if you make peace with all the Greek nations.
Menelaus: Done and done.
Act Two, Scene Two. A Weddynge
Menelaus: With this ring, I thee wed.
Helen: *is beautiful*
Agamemnon: With this ring, I thee wed.
Clytemnestra: *schemes*
Act Two, Scene Three. A Councyl of Peas Peace
Menelaus: So, we're agreed? We Greeks agree not to kill each other anymore, but to live instead in eternal brotherhood and solidarity?
Ambassadors: Sure thing!
Paris: Yeah, I...who is that?
Menelaus: That's Helen. My wife.
Paris: Uh huh.
Act Two, Scene Four. Later that Night
Paris: Hey, hot stuff, what say you and I do the Trojan dirty?
Helen: Why hello, sweet cheeks, that sounds good to me.
Paris: Fuckin' A! That's the first time that line's ever worked on anyone! Wanna ditch your husband and come back to Troy with me?
Helen: Sure. Never mind the devastating political repercussions it's bound to have - you're hot, I'm hot, let's fuck like bunnies.
Exeunt omnes to Troy
Act Three, Scene One. The city of Ilium
Odysseus: *knocks on door*
Guard: Helloooo?
Odysseus: Oh, hullo, I'm the king of Ithaca. I've come with my friend Menelaus; apparently you have something of his. Can we discuss it with the king?
Guard: Maybe. First, tell me, what is the airspeed velocity of an African swallow?
Menelaus: Laden or unladen?
Guard: ...No, you can't have your wife back. Bugger off.
Menelaus: *rage*
Act Three, Scene Two. A Beeche outside Troie
The Greek forces arrive
Agamemnon: Well, Menelaus, we could go up there with our army and get your wife back, or we could sit here for ten years and do pretty much nothing.
Menelaus: Doing nothing sounds good to me.
Act Three, Scene Three. The same Beeche, Ten Years Later
Agamemnon: Yo guys, look what I captured! It's a slave girl!
Chryseis: Woe.
Her Father (a Priest of Apollo): Dude, that's not sweet. Hey, Apollo, want to wreak some vengeance?
Apollo: *PLAGUE*
Greeks: *DIE*
Achilles: Um, Agamemnon, Apollo seems pretty pissed. Maybe you should give the slave girl back to her dad.
Agamemnon: Let me think about that...NO.
Achilles: Duuuuuude!
Agamemnon: Oh, okay. But I'm taking your slave as compensation for my loss.
Achilles: Briseis! Noooooo!
Agamemnon: Ha Ha!
Act Three, Scene Four. Ten Minutes Later
Menelaus: Oh come on, Achilles, it's not that big a deal!
Achilles: *SULK*
Odysseus: Listen, mate, we really ought to start thinking about taking some positive action against these Trojans, and for that we need you and your men. Be a sport, old chap, eh?
Achilles: *SULK*
Menelaus: Fine, forget about it. We don't need you.
Achilles: *SULK*
Act Four, Scene One. An Battle Fyeld Before Troie
Paris: Hey, Menelaus, I still got your wife! She's a right little goer, isn't she?!
Menelaus: *RAGE*
Paris: Aaaargh!
Aphrodite: *bitchsmacks Menelaus* Leave the kid alone, beardy!
Ajax: *fight*
Hector: *fight*
Ajax: *fight*
Hector: *fight*
Ajax: *fight*
Hector: *fight*
Ajax: Okay, I'm bored.
Hector: Me too. Call it a draw?
Ajax: Sure.
Act Four, Scene Two. The Greek Campe, on the See Shore
Hector: I'm burning the Greeks' boats. Whee!
Greeks: Woe.
Odysseus: Okay, this has gone on long enough. I say, Achilles, snap out of it!
Patroclus: Yes, do, darling. I want to fight!
Achilles: Fine, you go ahead and fight. Want to wear my armour? It looks almost as good on you as the schoolgirl costume.
Patroclus: GRATE YAY!
Five Seconds Later
Patroclus: Cooee, Hector, over here!
Hector: OMG ACHILLES! *STABMAIMKILL*
Patroclus: *hed no longer pastede on yay*
Hector: Wtf? Achilles? ...Patroclus?!!
Achilles: YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND, HO-FACE! PREPARE TO DIE!
Hector: *wibble*
Achilles: Do you mind hanging on a bit, though? You kind of stole my armour, and I need to get some more.
Act Four, Scene Three. A Few Dayes Hence
Thetis: Here you go, son, Uncle Hephaestus made you some lovely new armour.
Achilles: Thanks, mum. Right then. HECTOOOOOOOOOOR!
Hector: *runs*
Achilles: *chases*
Hector: *runs*
Achilles: *corners*
Hector: I'm not scared. I shall stand and fight like a man.
Achilles: WTF ever. *KILLZ*
Hector: *tied to chariot and dragged around the city a few million times*
Priam: My son is dead. Woe.
Act Four, Scene Four. The Greek camp
Priam: Can I have my son back, please?
Achilles: Okay, but it'll cost you.
Priam: Here, have some bounty.
Achilles: Rock on.
Patroclus' funeral
Greeks: *play games*
Achilles: *mourns*
Act Four, Scene Five. An Battel Fyeld
Paris: I'm gonna kill Achilles and prove my manliness to Helen.
Apollo: How big *is* your dick, anyway?
Paris: ...
Apollo: Oh, never mind. Aim for his ankle.
Paris: *aims and shoots*
Achilles: *dies*
Act Five, Scene One. A Little While Later
Greeks: Let's build an enormous horse and hide inside it!
Trojans: Oh look, there is an enormous horse outside our gates. What could it be?
Cassandra: IT'S A TRICK!
Trojans: Shut up, witch.
Laocoon: IT'S A TRICK!
Trojans: Really?
Laocoon: *eaten by an ominous snake*
Remarkably Suspicious Greek 'Fugitive' Who Came From Nowhere: It is a gift!
Trojans: YAY BOROMIR!!
They wheel the Horsey into the city. Later that night:
Greeks: *climb out of the horse and burn Troy to the ground*
Trojans: Woe.
Priam: *killed*
Cassandra: *as good as killed*
Everybody else: *also killed*
Greeks: Yeah, we know we rule.
Aeneas: Screw this, I'm leaving.
Anchises: Carry me, son.
Aeneas: Aw, daaaad! Do I have to?
Venus: Yes. Go found Rome, son.
Aeneas: *the Aeneid*
Menelaus: Right, Helen, you're coming back with me.
Helen: *no longer beautiful due to too much fucking like bunnies*
Menelaus: Well, damn. Ten years of war and all I get as a reward is this? Maybe we shouldn't have bothered.
Greeks: ...
Agamemnon: *is killed by Clytemnestra and her new boyfriend*
Agamemnon: Woe.
Odysseus: Well...that's a whole other story.
THE END