I cried today
Today, I went to Keturah's youth group, like every sunday. Well, this was a special sunday because it was gonna last until like, 11:00 pm..it was the whole super bowl thing..I only went to see Lyndsey and Keturah, since I hate football. So, about halfway through it, I saw this chick across the room, in all black. Nothing gothy or anything, just tight black jeans and a tigh blaqck shirt. For some reason, she looked firmilier. And for a second, i thought it was Titiana, then i thought "no, that would be silly..Shes a Satinist, for one, and could never come to a church..and..what are the odds that she happend to come to the same youth group that I did?" Well, after a short discussion with Keturah in the hall way, beside a table and a trashcan, she told me that Titiana and Rocky would go to church together, since Titiana's mother made her, or something..
Well, after this i paniced a bit. But i laughed it off with keturah, and me and her were like "Omg, somone should see if she really is Titiana, ha! she's kill us!" ..Keturah would be killed cause she dated Titiana's recent boyfriend, Rocky. She'd kill me because I'm dating her Ex who she apparently still loves. ( HA! Did I ever tell you about when she wanted to see Jeff to "Get over him"? ...Hah..) Anyways..So, when Lyndsey came over, (She was switching between me and keturah with her friend whos name was also Lyndsey. ) we asked her to go and ask the girl if she knew somone named Rocky. So she did, and we laughed and such and thought how silly it would be if it was her, after all, it wasnt Likely. Well, Lyndsey came running over, laughing her ass off, and I figured that it was just for asking a silly question..Well. This is what she said..
"OMG! XDDD She does! She said "Oh, yeah! He's my boyfriend!"
My heart stoped.
Me and keturah squweeled, and me, trying to be comic for some relief, hit behind the trash can with keturah. We still laughed, thought I was shaking and i dialed Jeff's number over and over, only to get a busy singnal. Well, Keturah and Lyndsey went over to talk to her. I felt as though she was going to come over and kill me. x.x;
Well, Lyndsey and keturah came back over, and i was still kinda jumpy, and They started going back and forth. Here's the story.
Aparently, I ruined a year relationship, because Jeff dumped her for me. When, what i thought to be true, (and still do..) Titiana was constently cheating on Jeff, and he just sat and beared it until she called him one day and said "I think we should break up." Well, he tried to laugh, much for the reason i did, because he couldnt cry. Its embarrasing, you know? So he tried to manage out a "Heh.." And did..So. Yeah. Then she came crawling back to him and shit. Wtf? Which story is more believable?
And, also, She wants to kill me. Understandable. At the time, i felt loved that she hated me. Because (Joseph gave me this opinion..^^ Ty..) One: It takes alot of time to hate somone, alot of energy too..she must care about me alot in order to waste her time on me.. and Two: I get her hot ex boyfriend..! (I feel bad saying that, but its true..)
So, Keturah simply believes Everything Titiana says because shes a girl..And, Keturah is a Dike, hates men, and dosent trust men. Well. She apparently dosent give a shit about what i think, because my opinion is that of a guy. Thusly, Its wrong.
So. Keturah obviously cant be associated with me because I associate with Men. :D And, as she says "I never liked Jeff anyways.." Hah..She also wrote me this little letter of love awhile ago..it was quite sweet..And i believed it as well..So she hates Jeff because he's with me, and shes Jelelous. And she never liked Any man. Including Joseph. (Wtf?) *Sigh* And it also explained why shes always so clingy to me, but when i went to Casey's party, i was there to see her clinging to Jenn. So, its more of a Dj-ish quality, if theres somone there to cuddle, cuddle. :D It dosent matter who they are, as long as theyre a girl. :D
...
Lyndsey is more understandable. She see's both sides..Though she leans more towards Titiana..
So I cant ever talk to Keturah again, because she's obviously far too close-minded. So. Fuck that. And Lyndsey, i can still talk to. Its just odd...she takes Titiana's side..and..hbonestly i dont think she believes a single thing i said tonight..
Thusly, I have two people left that i feel comfortable talking too.
Joseph, i dont know, i feel too much of a burden talking to him..
And Sam, i feel horrible complaining to her about anything..because she has things alot worse..I know it would be annoying if somones sitting there whining about their parents yelling at them, and your sitting there on the edge of suicide kind of thing. Its so stupid..
This proves I'm selfish..And I'm trying not to be, by not complaining to anyone.
I just hate this world.
I was on the phone with Jeff, later tonight, and it took me a hour to finally explain what happend..about all of the above. He said we was going to talk to Titiana, and bitch at her, as well as keturah. I told him not to, cause it was like a child running to an adult and crying about something, so that the adult can just go comfront the bully or whatever. (Me being the child; jeff being the adult; titiana/keturah being the bully )
As soon as i got off the phone, I choked out several sobs, loud chopped up whines and so forth..I cried violently, and started screaming. I hit my legs a few times with a sharpie top, and pulled out my razor blade and sliced my shoulder a few times..(While on the phone, i made little slits in the thieghs of my pants i was wearing, and accidently hit my skin on more than half of the slits i made in the cloth..) i dont know..i just felt horrible..I began to feel so much better after i cut my shoulder..I calmed down, and felt a little relieved..I remembered why it was so difficult to stop cutting..I'm starting up old habbits again..And when i started, it was like starting from the very begining..when i carved 'HATE' into my stomach..Carving, is what my cutting started as..from making little scratches on my legs and arms..Now I'm starting ot cut deeper..and even if anyone found and took away all of my hidden razorblades, then i now know where to get them..brand new ones..that cut alot better then anything i can find around the house. I sound horrbile..but i dont care..
No one bitch at me, please..no one lecture me..I dont care if you comment, i might not even read it, but please dont bitch at me. I dont wanna hear it.
Well, after this i paniced a bit. But i laughed it off with keturah, and me and her were like "Omg, somone should see if she really is Titiana, ha! she's kill us!" ..Keturah would be killed cause she dated Titiana's recent boyfriend, Rocky. She'd kill me because I'm dating her Ex who she apparently still loves. ( HA! Did I ever tell you about when she wanted to see Jeff to "Get over him"? ...Hah..) Anyways..So, when Lyndsey came over, (She was switching between me and keturah with her friend whos name was also Lyndsey. ) we asked her to go and ask the girl if she knew somone named Rocky. So she did, and we laughed and such and thought how silly it would be if it was her, after all, it wasnt Likely. Well, Lyndsey came running over, laughing her ass off, and I figured that it was just for asking a silly question..Well. This is what she said..
"OMG! XDDD She does! She said "Oh, yeah! He's my boyfriend!"
My heart stoped.
Me and keturah squweeled, and me, trying to be comic for some relief, hit behind the trash can with keturah. We still laughed, thought I was shaking and i dialed Jeff's number over and over, only to get a busy singnal. Well, Keturah and Lyndsey went over to talk to her. I felt as though she was going to come over and kill me. x.x;
Well, Lyndsey and keturah came back over, and i was still kinda jumpy, and They started going back and forth. Here's the story.
Aparently, I ruined a year relationship, because Jeff dumped her for me. When, what i thought to be true, (and still do..) Titiana was constently cheating on Jeff, and he just sat and beared it until she called him one day and said "I think we should break up." Well, he tried to laugh, much for the reason i did, because he couldnt cry. Its embarrasing, you know? So he tried to manage out a "Heh.." And did..So. Yeah. Then she came crawling back to him and shit. Wtf? Which story is more believable?
And, also, She wants to kill me. Understandable. At the time, i felt loved that she hated me. Because (Joseph gave me this opinion..^^ Ty..) One: It takes alot of time to hate somone, alot of energy too..she must care about me alot in order to waste her time on me.. and Two: I get her hot ex boyfriend..! (I feel bad saying that, but its true..)
So, Keturah simply believes Everything Titiana says because shes a girl..And, Keturah is a Dike, hates men, and dosent trust men. Well. She apparently dosent give a shit about what i think, because my opinion is that of a guy. Thusly, Its wrong.
So. Keturah obviously cant be associated with me because I associate with Men. :D And, as she says "I never liked Jeff anyways.." Hah..She also wrote me this little letter of love awhile ago..it was quite sweet..And i believed it as well..So she hates Jeff because he's with me, and shes Jelelous. And she never liked Any man. Including Joseph. (Wtf?) *Sigh* And it also explained why shes always so clingy to me, but when i went to Casey's party, i was there to see her clinging to Jenn. So, its more of a Dj-ish quality, if theres somone there to cuddle, cuddle. :D It dosent matter who they are, as long as theyre a girl. :D
...
Lyndsey is more understandable. She see's both sides..Though she leans more towards Titiana..
So I cant ever talk to Keturah again, because she's obviously far too close-minded. So. Fuck that. And Lyndsey, i can still talk to. Its just odd...she takes Titiana's side..and..hbonestly i dont think she believes a single thing i said tonight..
Thusly, I have two people left that i feel comfortable talking too.
Joseph, i dont know, i feel too much of a burden talking to him..
And Sam, i feel horrible complaining to her about anything..because she has things alot worse..I know it would be annoying if somones sitting there whining about their parents yelling at them, and your sitting there on the edge of suicide kind of thing. Its so stupid..
This proves I'm selfish..And I'm trying not to be, by not complaining to anyone.
I just hate this world.
I was on the phone with Jeff, later tonight, and it took me a hour to finally explain what happend..about all of the above. He said we was going to talk to Titiana, and bitch at her, as well as keturah. I told him not to, cause it was like a child running to an adult and crying about something, so that the adult can just go comfront the bully or whatever. (Me being the child; jeff being the adult; titiana/keturah being the bully )
As soon as i got off the phone, I choked out several sobs, loud chopped up whines and so forth..I cried violently, and started screaming. I hit my legs a few times with a sharpie top, and pulled out my razor blade and sliced my shoulder a few times..(While on the phone, i made little slits in the thieghs of my pants i was wearing, and accidently hit my skin on more than half of the slits i made in the cloth..) i dont know..i just felt horrible..I began to feel so much better after i cut my shoulder..I calmed down, and felt a little relieved..I remembered why it was so difficult to stop cutting..I'm starting up old habbits again..And when i started, it was like starting from the very begining..when i carved 'HATE' into my stomach..Carving, is what my cutting started as..from making little scratches on my legs and arms..Now I'm starting ot cut deeper..and even if anyone found and took away all of my hidden razorblades, then i now know where to get them..brand new ones..that cut alot better then anything i can find around the house. I sound horrbile..but i dont care..
No one bitch at me, please..no one lecture me..I dont care if you comment, i might not even read it, but please dont bitch at me. I dont wanna hear it.