Issues
Well, I believe that I have come to a milestone in this....whatever this fuck this is with Yancy.
Ok, straight up, I have rejection and trust issues. I don't like admitting this to myself, but part of being an honest person is also being honest with myself.
I find myself often second-guessing if the people in my life really care about me. I have a hard time believing that a person is really interested in me, because a lot of people aren't. Which, has never made sense to me because I am an amazingly smart, beautiful and fun person and anyone who doesn't see that is an idiot. But, nonetheless, after the whole thing with Jose, I seem to find myself questioning if new people in my life really want to be there.
For those of you new around here, Jose was my last boyfriend. He was a sweetheart to me, called me his "Princess," opened doors for me, helped me with my jacket, loved to kiss me, dance with me, have sex with me. I mean, the guy was seemingly perfect. And, I honestly mean that...did not step one toe out of line for a looong time. Then, he stopped calling me, stopped wanting to see me. He made excuses for this, saying he was busy....or that he was working late. Turns out, he just didn't want to be with me and didn't have the balls to tell me....even worse was that everything he ever told me about loving me and caring for me was a lie. Now, I have always prided myself on being able to tell when people are lying to me, and he totally bypassed my bullshit meter and it really fucked me up. Now, moving on....
I was talking to Yancy a little about this the other night. It started off as me making a comment asking him if he still wanted to meet me. He said something to the effect of "Of course I still want to meet you, are you crazy?" and I told him that I just wanted to make sure. Ya know, I've been hurt a lot and sometimes I want reassurance. I told him straight up that I have rejection issues. He responded:
"Well, I think the whole rejection thing needs to go away. I don't like it when someone want to keep asking me if I want to be involved in their life. I'm not bashful or anything, I'll let anyone know it if I don't like them. Besides, I kinda feel like you might be playing games or something, because you think I let anyone know my business? For example, my family shit? That alone is important enough, do I need to go any further?"
And um, I'm really glad it was said, because I just really needed to hear that. I had never really thought about it that way. I'm an open book, I would tell my life story to a stranger if they were interested. I don't care. I forget most people are not the same way. They're very guarded in what they tell people. I don't care what people think of me or what I have done, or what I want to do....so I do not feel the need to conceal myself or my life like that. I promise to the gods I'd tell the Pope the entire details of my sex life and every damn dirty thing I have ever done with no remorse if he stood in front of me now. I don't give a fuck. Hell, I'd get on a podium and tell everyone about my sexcapades. LOL, ya'll know I can make the briefest of sexual encounters sound absolutely enthralling. Well, other people aren't so open and I forget that. It never occured to me that how much a person tells you about their personal life could be an indicator of how much they want you to be a part of their life. Hm, I shall remember that....
I am the most mentally healthy person I know, but I'm not perfect and I have my issues just like everyone else.
After this conversation, I felt like maybe what I really want is for someone to handle me with kid gloves instead of man hands. And, I'm so not liking that about myself. I don't want to be treated differently just because I've been hurt a lot.
So, I've resolved to change this about myself. I'm going to get over the rejection thing. That is my goal for the next year. I could go into this whole thing about how my Father rejected me and how that affected me and all that psychological, Freudian bullshit, but I don't have time for that, I have a life to live. Plus, the past is the past and you can't change it, so I just have to look at the future.
The problem is me. The issue is mine to deal with. The problem isn't that I don't trust other people, the problem is that I don't trust myself anymore. After the whole Jose thing, I lost faith in myself to be able to see through people. I thought I had gotten over that and got back to business, but apparently I haven't. And, that's bullshit. I believe my line of reasoning is that since apparently Jose wanted to get out of the relationshio with me for a while, but just didn't have the balls to say anything, I want to give everyone ample chance to bow out of my life gracefully if they don't want to be in it. It is for a selfish reason, because if they get out of my life before I get attached to them, I won't get hurt again. And, I can't live like that. It's not healthy, and it's not gonna get me what I want in life.
So, my plan of action is that I have to learn to trust myself again. There's no special plan I have for accomplishing this, it's just a decision I have to make and fucking do it!
But, what Yancy said was a very big deal for me. I have bullshit and issues I pull just like everyone. It's good to be around someone who calls me on my bullshit because sometimes I try to push people away without even realizing it. My hope is that he doesn't let me push him away, and if he really wants to be in my life, he won't.
Hell, sometimes, while we're talking about challenges here....I'm a damn hard person to get along with sometimes. Let's just put it all out there. Fuck it.
1. I'm not very reactive when people cry for a stupid reason (pity parties) in front of others, or when people yell....I feel like it's a loss of dignity and I will look at your like you're stupid. People losing their temper does not affect me in any way, it just pisses me off and makes me want to just walk away from that person and let them wallow in their pity/anger. I want no part of it. I rarely lose my temper with people, and if someone pisses me off enough to where I lose my dignity on them, they are so out of my life, because that is too much damn drama for me.
2. At times I am outright stubborn, and I like it that way. I'm hard and I have this "pillar of strength" complex. I feel like I always have to be a pillar of strength because people need me and I feel like if I break down in front of them, they'll see no reason to keep on being strong. I have to lead by example to get other people through things.
3. I'm passionate about my opinions, and I will defend them 'til doomsday. As I said, I'm fiercly stubborn and if I know I'm right about something, then I am right and you are wrong and that's the end of it so shut the fuck up. LOL, this is just my attitude when it comes to certain subjects. But, on the flip side of that....if I'm wrong, I am woman enough to admit it. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. I'll shout it from the mountaintops.
I have flaws and sometimes I'm a pain in the ass. I want to be honest about myself and who I am at my "worst." I don't think all those things I mentioned about are bad qualities, they are just things that make me a bit of a challenge to be around at times.
But honestly, I think the payoff is worth it. I'm fun, I'm a damn open book and I will tell you everything and if something is on my mind I will just say it. I'm incredibly passionate...and you can take that anyway you want it, I'm loyal as hell, I am the best damn friend a person could ever have, and a pretty good girlfriend besides that....I'm all those things mentioned above, plus good sex. ;)
I know what I'm worth and I know I'm worth being in someone's life. I'm just so used to other people not knowing my worth. I'm used to being let down by people. I think it's gonna just take me some time to get used to being around an honest person and not watching my back all the time and just letting go.
Yancy has been really honest with me so far, and I have been honest with him and I want to keep it that way. He is the only person I've ever [met] who is just as honest as me, like outspoken, blunt fucking honesty. I really like that about him. He doesn't just accept my bullshit and I like that. I mean, I don't purposely pull a bullshit move, sometimes because of the stuff I've been through, like I said, I do it without realizing it.
But, I'm really glad he's in my life right now. I can tell he's gonna help keep me grounded. And, as long as he wants to be in my life, I'm determined to keep him there. So, I'm just gonna get over this little issue I'm having. It's not working for me in any way, and it can't stop me from getting hurt anyway, so it serves no purpose.
I don't know what role Yancy will play in my life. But, I want him in my life very badly and he's gonna play some role, got damnit! I always try my damndest to get what I want. Other things might get in the way of me getting what I want, but my past isn't gonna get in the way of my future. FUCK THAT! I am NOT allowing that shit to happen.
I'm gonna get over it and he's gonna be in my life because I want him to be and he wants to be and that's the way it's gonna happen. Period. The End.
He's Just Not That Into You Daily Wake-Up Call
"There's someone out there that does want to have sex with you, hot stuff."
Ok, straight up, I have rejection and trust issues. I don't like admitting this to myself, but part of being an honest person is also being honest with myself.
I find myself often second-guessing if the people in my life really care about me. I have a hard time believing that a person is really interested in me, because a lot of people aren't. Which, has never made sense to me because I am an amazingly smart, beautiful and fun person and anyone who doesn't see that is an idiot. But, nonetheless, after the whole thing with Jose, I seem to find myself questioning if new people in my life really want to be there.
For those of you new around here, Jose was my last boyfriend. He was a sweetheart to me, called me his "Princess," opened doors for me, helped me with my jacket, loved to kiss me, dance with me, have sex with me. I mean, the guy was seemingly perfect. And, I honestly mean that...did not step one toe out of line for a looong time. Then, he stopped calling me, stopped wanting to see me. He made excuses for this, saying he was busy....or that he was working late. Turns out, he just didn't want to be with me and didn't have the balls to tell me....even worse was that everything he ever told me about loving me and caring for me was a lie. Now, I have always prided myself on being able to tell when people are lying to me, and he totally bypassed my bullshit meter and it really fucked me up. Now, moving on....
I was talking to Yancy a little about this the other night. It started off as me making a comment asking him if he still wanted to meet me. He said something to the effect of "Of course I still want to meet you, are you crazy?" and I told him that I just wanted to make sure. Ya know, I've been hurt a lot and sometimes I want reassurance. I told him straight up that I have rejection issues. He responded:
"Well, I think the whole rejection thing needs to go away. I don't like it when someone want to keep asking me if I want to be involved in their life. I'm not bashful or anything, I'll let anyone know it if I don't like them. Besides, I kinda feel like you might be playing games or something, because you think I let anyone know my business? For example, my family shit? That alone is important enough, do I need to go any further?"
And um, I'm really glad it was said, because I just really needed to hear that. I had never really thought about it that way. I'm an open book, I would tell my life story to a stranger if they were interested. I don't care. I forget most people are not the same way. They're very guarded in what they tell people. I don't care what people think of me or what I have done, or what I want to do....so I do not feel the need to conceal myself or my life like that. I promise to the gods I'd tell the Pope the entire details of my sex life and every damn dirty thing I have ever done with no remorse if he stood in front of me now. I don't give a fuck. Hell, I'd get on a podium and tell everyone about my sexcapades. LOL, ya'll know I can make the briefest of sexual encounters sound absolutely enthralling. Well, other people aren't so open and I forget that. It never occured to me that how much a person tells you about their personal life could be an indicator of how much they want you to be a part of their life. Hm, I shall remember that....
I am the most mentally healthy person I know, but I'm not perfect and I have my issues just like everyone else.
After this conversation, I felt like maybe what I really want is for someone to handle me with kid gloves instead of man hands. And, I'm so not liking that about myself. I don't want to be treated differently just because I've been hurt a lot.
So, I've resolved to change this about myself. I'm going to get over the rejection thing. That is my goal for the next year. I could go into this whole thing about how my Father rejected me and how that affected me and all that psychological, Freudian bullshit, but I don't have time for that, I have a life to live. Plus, the past is the past and you can't change it, so I just have to look at the future.
The problem is me. The issue is mine to deal with. The problem isn't that I don't trust other people, the problem is that I don't trust myself anymore. After the whole Jose thing, I lost faith in myself to be able to see through people. I thought I had gotten over that and got back to business, but apparently I haven't. And, that's bullshit. I believe my line of reasoning is that since apparently Jose wanted to get out of the relationshio with me for a while, but just didn't have the balls to say anything, I want to give everyone ample chance to bow out of my life gracefully if they don't want to be in it. It is for a selfish reason, because if they get out of my life before I get attached to them, I won't get hurt again. And, I can't live like that. It's not healthy, and it's not gonna get me what I want in life.
So, my plan of action is that I have to learn to trust myself again. There's no special plan I have for accomplishing this, it's just a decision I have to make and fucking do it!
But, what Yancy said was a very big deal for me. I have bullshit and issues I pull just like everyone. It's good to be around someone who calls me on my bullshit because sometimes I try to push people away without even realizing it. My hope is that he doesn't let me push him away, and if he really wants to be in my life, he won't.
Hell, sometimes, while we're talking about challenges here....I'm a damn hard person to get along with sometimes. Let's just put it all out there. Fuck it.
1. I'm not very reactive when people cry for a stupid reason (pity parties) in front of others, or when people yell....I feel like it's a loss of dignity and I will look at your like you're stupid. People losing their temper does not affect me in any way, it just pisses me off and makes me want to just walk away from that person and let them wallow in their pity/anger. I want no part of it. I rarely lose my temper with people, and if someone pisses me off enough to where I lose my dignity on them, they are so out of my life, because that is too much damn drama for me.
2. At times I am outright stubborn, and I like it that way. I'm hard and I have this "pillar of strength" complex. I feel like I always have to be a pillar of strength because people need me and I feel like if I break down in front of them, they'll see no reason to keep on being strong. I have to lead by example to get other people through things.
3. I'm passionate about my opinions, and I will defend them 'til doomsday. As I said, I'm fiercly stubborn and if I know I'm right about something, then I am right and you are wrong and that's the end of it so shut the fuck up. LOL, this is just my attitude when it comes to certain subjects. But, on the flip side of that....if I'm wrong, I am woman enough to admit it. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. I'll shout it from the mountaintops.
I have flaws and sometimes I'm a pain in the ass. I want to be honest about myself and who I am at my "worst." I don't think all those things I mentioned about are bad qualities, they are just things that make me a bit of a challenge to be around at times.
But honestly, I think the payoff is worth it. I'm fun, I'm a damn open book and I will tell you everything and if something is on my mind I will just say it. I'm incredibly passionate...and you can take that anyway you want it, I'm loyal as hell, I am the best damn friend a person could ever have, and a pretty good girlfriend besides that....I'm all those things mentioned above, plus good sex. ;)
I know what I'm worth and I know I'm worth being in someone's life. I'm just so used to other people not knowing my worth. I'm used to being let down by people. I think it's gonna just take me some time to get used to being around an honest person and not watching my back all the time and just letting go.
Yancy has been really honest with me so far, and I have been honest with him and I want to keep it that way. He is the only person I've ever [met] who is just as honest as me, like outspoken, blunt fucking honesty. I really like that about him. He doesn't just accept my bullshit and I like that. I mean, I don't purposely pull a bullshit move, sometimes because of the stuff I've been through, like I said, I do it without realizing it.
But, I'm really glad he's in my life right now. I can tell he's gonna help keep me grounded. And, as long as he wants to be in my life, I'm determined to keep him there. So, I'm just gonna get over this little issue I'm having. It's not working for me in any way, and it can't stop me from getting hurt anyway, so it serves no purpose.
I don't know what role Yancy will play in my life. But, I want him in my life very badly and he's gonna play some role, got damnit! I always try my damndest to get what I want. Other things might get in the way of me getting what I want, but my past isn't gonna get in the way of my future. FUCK THAT! I am NOT allowing that shit to happen.
I'm gonna get over it and he's gonna be in my life because I want him to be and he wants to be and that's the way it's gonna happen. Period. The End.
He's Just Not That Into You Daily Wake-Up Call
"There's someone out there that does want to have sex with you, hot stuff."