I'm Me Again
As most of you who read my LJ know, I am no longer friends with a certain juvenile delinquent that goes by the name of Jordan. After everything that happened in the last month alone, I couldn't take her issues and craziness any longer. I don't like to fight with people, especially friends (and I despise the use of fists when words tend to work better). In fact, I've never fought with a friend who I didn't later ditch. I have never put up with half the shit she put me through with anyone else. I don't know why I did with her. She never appreciated what I did for her, she dug the knife in my heart at every available opportunity, kicked me whenever I was down, and yet I stayed her friend. My biggest weakness I think has always been my inability to release hope for life and mankind. No matter what I go through, I always have hope no matter how much I wish I didn't.
I had hoped that one day, by having friends who stuck by her and set a good example for her, that she would take all that potential she has, and finally put it to use. So many people lack potential. So few have that gift, but she had it, and refused to use it. Yet , for four years I stood by her, defended her, allowed her to set bad examples for me and pressure me into things I would have never done had I not been around her. I was waiting for her to grow up, waiting for her to stop being selfish, waiting for that good person I saw deep inside her to surface. Yet, at the bitter end I realized something: there's no good inside her. She's a manipulative mind-fucker. A drug addict to the end just like her mother. She'll forever lean on the crutches she built for herself by weaving people into sorrow by bragging of her hardships growing up with a crackhead mom and mentally ill family members. She'll always use the crutch of bipolar-ism as well. In her eyes nothing is her fault, it's because life wasn't fair to her growing up, and things refuse to be simply handed to her.
I've never hated someone as much as I hate her. Yet, at the same time, I just don't care about her.
The moment I realized the friendship had ended, I had hurt. I had hurt badly, but I've hurt just as badly, if not worse, in the past. However, at the same instance, I felt free. I felt like the invisible shackles that held me back in life were finally severed. For the first time in four years I feel mentally healthy. I suddenly have goals again and plans to actually achieve these goals. I am no longer afraid to face life on my own because I no longer have someone telling me to be afraid of it. I am free. And just stand back and watch me, because I will be successful and complete in life from here on out!
I'm going to be the old Nicole again, but better.
I'm me again.
I had hoped that one day, by having friends who stuck by her and set a good example for her, that she would take all that potential she has, and finally put it to use. So many people lack potential. So few have that gift, but she had it, and refused to use it. Yet , for four years I stood by her, defended her, allowed her to set bad examples for me and pressure me into things I would have never done had I not been around her. I was waiting for her to grow up, waiting for her to stop being selfish, waiting for that good person I saw deep inside her to surface. Yet, at the bitter end I realized something: there's no good inside her. She's a manipulative mind-fucker. A drug addict to the end just like her mother. She'll forever lean on the crutches she built for herself by weaving people into sorrow by bragging of her hardships growing up with a crackhead mom and mentally ill family members. She'll always use the crutch of bipolar-ism as well. In her eyes nothing is her fault, it's because life wasn't fair to her growing up, and things refuse to be simply handed to her.
I've never hated someone as much as I hate her. Yet, at the same time, I just don't care about her.
The moment I realized the friendship had ended, I had hurt. I had hurt badly, but I've hurt just as badly, if not worse, in the past. However, at the same instance, I felt free. I felt like the invisible shackles that held me back in life were finally severed. For the first time in four years I feel mentally healthy. I suddenly have goals again and plans to actually achieve these goals. I am no longer afraid to face life on my own because I no longer have someone telling me to be afraid of it. I am free. And just stand back and watch me, because I will be successful and complete in life from here on out!
I'm going to be the old Nicole again, but better.
I'm me again.