Tech is Definitely My Passion
At first I hated one night gigs. The first time I "worked" a one night gig, it went horribly wrong and I was more heart broken than I ever remember being. That's the thing about tech, it breaks my heart sometimes, but it rewards me with so much that my heart becomes mended. Some don't understand what I consider to be my "love affair" with tech. Some people think it's lame, some think it means an unhealthy amount to me... and then there are those that find it fantabulous to know that I have something I'm this passionate about. That I'm going to get to make a career out of the one thing that makes me smile more than it makes me cry. I love tech. I've never remembered doing something that ever made me feel as good as tech does.
When I'm working with these people, and in the field... I feel so alive... I love it.
Today was my first 15 hour day since last semester. And although I feel so exhausted, tired, and sore... I feel like I'm in heaven. How many people can say that about something they do? I don't think quite as many as there should be. I know that a friend of mine is entering into her career in a couple weeks... but it's not what she really wants to do. That makes me kind of sad. I wish everyone could do what gives them that feeling that no matter how tired, exhausted or sore or whatever else they are... that they're happy because it's the only thing that gives them that satisfaction, that pleasure!
There are times I doubt if tech is what I should really do, or if it's really what I want to do. Days and nights like today set those doubts aside though, and bring knowledge that this is what I will do. I'm attacked with so many worries and dreams when I lie down and try to go to sleep each night. There are so many things I want out of this life, a few even more than tech, but to be able to have this one thing... To be granted the privilege of being able to obtain my passion... That just makes me feel like the world is my playground, and that someday, I'll have everything I ever wanted for, or dreamed about.
I think if someone could sit in my head for one night... they'd understand so much about why I do the things I do, and about why I behave the way I do. Sometimes it looks as though I'm oblivious to everything, not paying attention or thinking about anything very important. But my mind is constantly filled with ideas and wants, dreams and hopes, past events, and wishful future events. Just last week someone said that I was a bitch 24/7 and honestly meant those words. And I admit, I am a bitch quite frequently; I say things I probably shouldn't, I do some things irresponsibly, and I judge people rather harshly when they hurt those people closest to me in any way. Often I am selfish and moody, angry and as many of you know, defiant... But there are so many things I sacrifice and do for people, and they hardly ever notice. I wish every aspect of my life could be as satisfying as tech, but I know that will not happen, at least not yet.
So despite all these worries, and all these troubles and judging feelings, despite being looked down upon and hated by quite a few people, despite my inner, as well as my outer pain... Tech makes me keep going, always. And to some, they know how important it is, because they know how many times I've just wanted to call it quits, throw in the towel and say, "I give up!"
I love tech. Always.
-_orgasminpants