forever and a day
well i guess that i'll update. well it's 230 in the fucking morning and robyn is still awake because she is a dumbass and never sleeps. yeah so drivers ed is finally ever. i'm done with the asshole. i got my green card which in new hampshire that means that all i have to do is take my test for my license and i'm done and can move on with my life. the show is in like 2 weeks and we aren't even close to being ready. where no where close to where we should be.everything is just really crazy when it comes to the show. but it will be good i hope. i'm starting to lose faith. well anywhoo so yeah. i'm on vaca and i have not done much of anything. haven't hung out with anyone except bryan and nick one night. and i saw chris for like 3 hours. other then that i have been at home working my ass off on getting my audition perfect. how does someone learn a hu8ge monolgue within 30 minutes. your looking at her. yeah i did it even though i am like stressed to the max with this. my mom told me she got my sheet music and she ended getting the wrong one so i was like shit. yeah so i have to get that figured out. we're leaving at like 5 in the morning on saturday. it's going to be crazy and i know it is already going to be a crazy dat. i hope i do good. my sister can't believe how easily i pick up. just like i said i'm STUPID JUST EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK THAT I FRIGGEN AM! anywayz. i got a co-op job and should be starting in like 2 weeks so then i can finally start supporting myself and not being such a mooch.so yeah life is pretty crazy.i miss certain people like crazy and i feel so far away and it's been like forever and a day and i can't stand it. i miss all the old memories. speaking of memories i had the WORST FUCKING DREAM OF MY LIFE LAST NIGHT. yeah so it was current time and i was walking in haverhill don't know why but yeah i was still going out with bryan in my dream. it's probably like 3am in my dream and this guy comes up behind me and just starts beating the shit out of me. and i'm like screaming and crying and freaking out and i finally open my eyes in the dream and it was ryan anderson ( for those whose don't know who he is, he is my ex boyfriend who lets just say was not nice to me at all) yeah so he's beating the shit out of me and somehow we end up in an alley and he starts like ripping my clothes off and like doing shit do too and i'm just screaming and screaming and no one can hear me and no one will help and i can't breathe and i'm struggeling. and i'm screaming i fucking hate you don't touch me don't ever touch me again i fucking hate you and i alwayz will.i'll never forgive you not since what you did to me in 8th grade and now look at you. and he's just not listening and so he takes something and gags me with it. and i'm about to pass out and then all of a sudden all my best guy friends who i used to get high with who i trusted so much start joining ryan in raping/beating the shit out of me. it was horrible. i never thought i would have a dream about m best friend long ago brendon magonagle raping me with my ex-boyfriend. god it was horrible i woke up at bryan's this morning and i couldn't breathe. he sat next to me because he had been trying to wake me up from my dream and was like what is wrong hun. i wanted to cry. i wanted to cry so bad. it has taken me so long to fully trust a guy. after everything that happened in my childhood and all the horrible experiences with guys/old guys taken advantage of me/my brother. it has taken me a long way to get where i am and havig dreams like those horrify me. now back to happier stuff.which i can't think of anything to say now. yeah i'm crazy. and um i'll shut up now. i'm tired heheh even though i know i'm gonna sleep i am going to go for now. gonna go practice my monologue goodnight everyone