(no subject)
I haven't been able to cry for a long time. I fear I'm losing that as well. I'm just sitting in my room trying to think of something that will make me sad. It just isn't coming. I'm not getting surprised or scared any longer either. I am slipping even further into the hole. Nothing makes me sad anymore and I don't think its the anti-depressants. Its not like I'm happy either or angry.
What is going on? I thought I would grow out of this at one point, but I'm just getting deeper into it. I feel I am losing my humanity that I fight to keep every day. I'm sitting here on Christmas eve and I can't feel anything any longer. This is utter bullshit. I need something to make me overflow with some sort of emotion, I know that it is a terrible thing to wish for, but I used to be on the highest level of sorrow and I really don't think its worse than feeling nothing at all.
At least I will be able to feel something, not fake it. For christmas, I want to feel human again and be able to stop faking everything. Just for once I would like to feel love, just for once I would love to be able to feel happiness, for once I would love to be able to feel pure rage. I want to be expressive and beautiful. I want a surge of happiness tomorrow. I want to get away from everything and meet new people that will teach me how to feel rather than the people I know right now that have no clue as to what is going on or don;t see the severity of the situation.
I can't even cry over this, if there is anything to cry over it would be this.
What is going on? I thought I would grow out of this at one point, but I'm just getting deeper into it. I feel I am losing my humanity that I fight to keep every day. I'm sitting here on Christmas eve and I can't feel anything any longer. This is utter bullshit. I need something to make me overflow with some sort of emotion, I know that it is a terrible thing to wish for, but I used to be on the highest level of sorrow and I really don't think its worse than feeling nothing at all.
At least I will be able to feel something, not fake it. For christmas, I want to feel human again and be able to stop faking everything. Just for once I would like to feel love, just for once I would love to be able to feel happiness, for once I would love to be able to feel pure rage. I want to be expressive and beautiful. I want a surge of happiness tomorrow. I want to get away from everything and meet new people that will teach me how to feel rather than the people I know right now that have no clue as to what is going on or don;t see the severity of the situation.
I can't even cry over this, if there is anything to cry over it would be this.