Jul 05, 2006 19:05
so, things with oliver have finally evened out, for the most part. they were very lopsided and messy for a while. we broke up and got back together once more since the last time i wrote, and then we finally broke up for good. it's for the best. my heart wasn't really in it. i have been pretty much dumbstruck over this guy aaron since the day i met him, in January. i just keep hopping from one futile, useless, fleeting crush to the next, but aaron still makes my heart stop beating, and my blood freeze up everytime i'm around him. we have the best conversations, and he is the closest thing to my ideal i have ever come close to finding. he's kind of perfect. .. for me. he's got his imperfections, and such, but they're way too similar to my own. i am stupid for this boy. and, he's 25. that is a huge plus. i can't be dating anyone too close to my age anymore. it just sours in direct correlation with their youth. anyhow... i made him this mixtape slightly recently. i held on to it and carried it with me everyday. i was planning to leave in on his bike while he was in a building or something, but i never got the chance, i was much too impatient. i finally tossed it to him on monday. it was so slow, and we spent so much time together at the thompson center, standing by. the sheer weight of the tape was killing me. i just had to give it to him. it's a very elaborate tape, especially the packaging. i designed the casing, and constructed it out of paper. i then handstitched a typewritten play list to the casing, as well as a picture of an owl i drew, then reconstructed and stitched together out of different kinds of papers. most of the songs on the tape have significant underlying meaning, and some are just so amazing, but i hope he loves it. after a few runs, he asked me what it was about, and I explained that it was something i had made for him, and that it held significance. I saw him briefly today, but he made no mention of the tape. He has a girlfriend. I don't think he cares very much about her. I'm not saying that because I think he'll drop everything for me, I saw that because I get that impression. And, I don't mean that maliciously. I think he's just comfortable, or too nice to shake things up by breaking up with her. I don't know what's going to happen, I just don't. I do know that it was imperative for me to make that tape. It said many things I was incapable of. He already knew that i had a "crush" on him, but he's a goodlooking guy, who wouldn't? I needed to convey that I actually have feelings for him.