(no subject)
tired of messing things up over and over again. makes me want to stop trying and everything but then all of the sudden i realize that that probably isn't good.
it's not bad. but it's not right.
i want to be able to try and say what i'm feeling and thinking. if i mess up that sucks. if i do it right and end up failing, then there's nothing that i would have been able to do about it anyways.
hard to decide which of the two it is...
and then when i try to fix what i put into words poorly it only feels like...like he says. like i'm covering my tracks.
Friday:
on my way home it was hard to look okay...my daddy thought it was out of the ordinary enough that i was going home that early in the afternoon. Apparently my aunt had invited us to eat out..i wonder how often that happens with me not even knowing. I said I wasn't doing anything for the night and agreed to go. After that American Pie started to play on the radio. My daddy started to sing it. It made me feel good, and I sang a bit too.
At dinner I watched as the uncles and aunts went through the steps of greeting me and my brother. My Uncle Ben and Auntie Connie always care so much. They're sweet really. My Uncle Ben would offer food to my Uncle Winston, and though he'd protest on either not needing/wamting the food, or saying that he'd get some later, Ben would continue to put the food on his plate and go about dinner. Then the check...oh the check. Always customary to fight for that thing. Everyone is persistant, saying why the other shouldn't have to pay.
For the most part, I like that aspect of my family.
Night time...
Saturday, Sunday...I don't know. Between kh2 and my searching for computer parts and laying in bed...
Saturday I just wanted to hide. From everything. No snorkle, no nothing, just drown in blankets. As a result i nearly forgot to feed the neighbor's cats. Bad enough that I have to go there when the big beetle-y things are out flying aimlessly (..yet still out to get me) and I need to water plants outside in the scary dark, but I have to be there at night...I have to stand there and feed the cats and just..
can't help but remember.
Get back home, make sure no more bugs are still on me, dress for bed and start to hide again.
more talking. don't feel any better.
Sunday. tired, play video games, search for things to buy, that gets old quick, start to think. hide. hide. Brother, sister and Daniel want to go to sheep and wool festival..i've been looking down, they know it, i decide to go. good for a bit, get a chuckle out of the Martin Family Band (really good by the way..) eat some food, watch sheep herding dogs. By the time i was getting food i started to feel bad again.
it's like my veins are bleeding...I know that doesn't make any sense...but it's the feeling i get. my arms and legs feel jello-y and my throat and chest tighten up, soon my extremities are impossible to ignore and they start to feel like they're really cold or really hot and bleeding or maybe boiling. the chest again, deep in me a tightness goes from my throat to my chest to my stomach, like wringings my insides piece by piece.
can't stop thinking.
didn't feel well. stuck at a stupid festival, want to go home and hide. too many people and i can't hide.
home
bed, hide.
talk
hide.
Monday.
I'm sorry if you were annoyed. It's best you don't feel sorry for me in the first place, but I really didn't want you to be annoyed. I thought you understood though...I can't act anything below 'fine' when it comes to social situations. That day after the whole..cj thing...
I acted like nothing had happened.
It hurts to look hurt.
It hurts more to do whatever it is that I do.
Pretend.
And you're crazy by the way...not social. The beginning of world, and when you were with david on the way to school. You're more social than I am. And if not that, you're better at it than I am.
Future. I don't know. Fuzzy.
Confusing.
Scary.
I've been writing this all downstairs...
I've been in a rush and non of this is proof-read or edited...
again..sorry if i messed something up.
off to hide again.
it's not bad. but it's not right.
i want to be able to try and say what i'm feeling and thinking. if i mess up that sucks. if i do it right and end up failing, then there's nothing that i would have been able to do about it anyways.
hard to decide which of the two it is...
and then when i try to fix what i put into words poorly it only feels like...like he says. like i'm covering my tracks.
Friday:
on my way home it was hard to look okay...my daddy thought it was out of the ordinary enough that i was going home that early in the afternoon. Apparently my aunt had invited us to eat out..i wonder how often that happens with me not even knowing. I said I wasn't doing anything for the night and agreed to go. After that American Pie started to play on the radio. My daddy started to sing it. It made me feel good, and I sang a bit too.
At dinner I watched as the uncles and aunts went through the steps of greeting me and my brother. My Uncle Ben and Auntie Connie always care so much. They're sweet really. My Uncle Ben would offer food to my Uncle Winston, and though he'd protest on either not needing/wamting the food, or saying that he'd get some later, Ben would continue to put the food on his plate and go about dinner. Then the check...oh the check. Always customary to fight for that thing. Everyone is persistant, saying why the other shouldn't have to pay.
For the most part, I like that aspect of my family.
Night time...
Saturday, Sunday...I don't know. Between kh2 and my searching for computer parts and laying in bed...
Saturday I just wanted to hide. From everything. No snorkle, no nothing, just drown in blankets. As a result i nearly forgot to feed the neighbor's cats. Bad enough that I have to go there when the big beetle-y things are out flying aimlessly (..yet still out to get me) and I need to water plants outside in the scary dark, but I have to be there at night...I have to stand there and feed the cats and just..
can't help but remember.
Get back home, make sure no more bugs are still on me, dress for bed and start to hide again.
more talking. don't feel any better.
Sunday. tired, play video games, search for things to buy, that gets old quick, start to think. hide. hide. Brother, sister and Daniel want to go to sheep and wool festival..i've been looking down, they know it, i decide to go. good for a bit, get a chuckle out of the Martin Family Band (really good by the way..) eat some food, watch sheep herding dogs. By the time i was getting food i started to feel bad again.
it's like my veins are bleeding...I know that doesn't make any sense...but it's the feeling i get. my arms and legs feel jello-y and my throat and chest tighten up, soon my extremities are impossible to ignore and they start to feel like they're really cold or really hot and bleeding or maybe boiling. the chest again, deep in me a tightness goes from my throat to my chest to my stomach, like wringings my insides piece by piece.
can't stop thinking.
didn't feel well. stuck at a stupid festival, want to go home and hide. too many people and i can't hide.
home
bed, hide.
talk
hide.
Monday.
I'm sorry if you were annoyed. It's best you don't feel sorry for me in the first place, but I really didn't want you to be annoyed. I thought you understood though...I can't act anything below 'fine' when it comes to social situations. That day after the whole..cj thing...
I acted like nothing had happened.
It hurts to look hurt.
It hurts more to do whatever it is that I do.
Pretend.
And you're crazy by the way...not social. The beginning of world, and when you were with david on the way to school. You're more social than I am. And if not that, you're better at it than I am.
Future. I don't know. Fuzzy.
Confusing.
Scary.
I've been writing this all downstairs...
I've been in a rush and non of this is proof-read or edited...
again..sorry if i messed something up.
off to hide again.