Gabriel LB Fano
Well, it's with a heavy heart that I'm writing this post. On April 6, 2015 I graciously peed on a pregnancy stick since I was a little more than a week late on my period. I just wanted to make sure I could drink since D and I were leaving for California later that week for Coachella.
Anyways, expecting to see "Not Pregnant" on the ClearBlue stick, I freaked out when I saw "Pregnant". At first I thought I saw Not Pregnant. And then I thought, maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me. It was definitely shock. I'm pretty sure I cried for a second because I just kept thinking, "Oh no, this is way too early. We didn't want to get pregnant just yet." I hate to admit it, but for a second I thought about an abortion, in case we both thought we weren't ready. That was a horrible moment.
I waited all day for D to get home from work. I left the peestick on the bathroom counter, so D could find it as a "surprise" when he got home. He always uses the bathroom as soon as he gets home. But then he got home and he didn't pee. And he didn't have to pee until almost two hours later after dinner. But when he did, he was like, "oh I see you took a pregnancy test-- OHMYGOSHBABE!" I had tears in my eyes when he ran to the couch to hug me.
Spent the next few weeks getting on prenatal vitamins, setting up doctor appointments, thinking of baby names, etc. etc. We started buying healthier items at the grocery store and I started purchasing more organic cleaning products to reduce the chemicals exposed to baby. D would kiss my belly good morning and goodnight everyday. We would then nickname baby "LB" for Little Babe. I would talk to LB all the time during the day when I was at home, cleaning or doing chores. I didn't feel so alone anymore. I kept close monitoring on the What to Expect app on my phone, because it was so interesting how quickly LB was growing inside of me. All those little body parts form so rapidly, it's amazing!
I was overwhelmed with how tired I became and how tender my breasts really got. I finally understood what they all meant.
I couldn't help the excitement and we told a few of our friends and Drewski, but tried not to make it a big deal incase something were to happen.
I celebrated my birthday and was overwhelmed with so much love from D, my family and friends, and of course LB.
Then April 30, I started bleeding a little bit. That weekend, we were so busy, so I tried not to panick. I read so many things that it could be ok, but it also could be a miscarriage. I tried to hope for best. D and I went to Drew's pinning ceremony, attended a conference, then a military ball, the pacquiao/mayweather fight and then a family military training thing Sunday morning. It was such a busy weekend and I just tried to focus on those things in hopes that LB was ok. I made an appt with the OB doc for Tuesday, but D was able to talk to him Monday morning and he told me to go to the ER. I'm so grateful for D having his doctor friends, the OB resident was able to talk to him and he told her what had been going on, so when she saw me she knew what to expect. D was also able to meet me in the ER and stayed until I was discharged.
We did blood tests and ultrasounds, went to my appointment on Tuesday (D was able to get out of work early to come with), I went back to the hospital to get a repeat blood test. The first ultrasound showed that we were just earlier than we thought -- we were at 6 weeks (we had thought 9-10 by this time since my last period was Feb 22). On Wednesday, when I got my second set of blood work done, D was able to ask the OB resident, Dr. Cewe if she could get our labs any quicker so I didn't have to wait until my next Dr. appt on May 18. Instead of doubling, the b-Hcg test decreased which was evidence of a miscarriage. I cried so hard that night.
Thursday was D's sister's graduation luncheon, so we went to that. We were so distracted with our loss and making an appt with our doc. Our OB resident was able to talk to our OB doc and was able to get us in the next morning for a D&C, a procedure which cleans all the extra tissue and such from my uterus to decrease infection and to help me start my period again. Thursday night, I was able to speak with Ate Claire about it and she helped me through it and sent prayers our way. That night D went to Journal Club and I stayed home. He kept telling me to stay if he wants and I said it's fine just go! He kept texting me if I need him to come home to just tell him.
SPOILER ALERT: TMI AHEAD -- DON'T READ IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE GUTS
And then around 7:30 I was on the floor, crying in so much pain. He came home right away. I even had a hospital bag packed. He layed next to me to try to calm me down. I told him let's wait a few minutes, I didn't want to rush to the hospital if it would pass. I took two Aleve and that helped. I was able to get up and about. I was in the kitchen and all of a sudden I felt this huge thing passing down there. I can't really find the right words to explain the feeling, but it was weird. I ran to the bathroom and I saw the placenta in the toilet. I made D come and look at it. The pain was gone for the most part.
Friday morning, the morning of my D&C, I was awake at 3am. I had to leave our bed and hung out on the couch because I kept crying. I kept thinking how they're going to take my baby away. It was one of the worst feelings ever. We got to the hospital at 7:30am, surgery scheduled for 9:45am. When the nurses got me prepped in the pre-op area, they were saying, "it's ok. you're so young. you will have so much time to try again." Many of them told me they had miscarriages and were still able to have 2-3 beautiful healthy children. It definitely gave me hope. Dr. Z came in and told me, "it's ok to feel sad, but do not feel guilty". He has been great through this whole time. He later told D after my procedure that this and telling people they have cancer are the worst parts of his job.
D and I were able to go home and Mom and his parents and Nick came over with food. They stayed with me since D had to work a few hours that night. They all brought Chinese soup and other deliciousness. Mom brought me flowers and helped clean up while I stayed on the couch with a heat pad and took it easy. It was really nice to feel the love and support of our families and to have everyone bond. It was nice to have my Mom there for me.
D came home and Mom left. We ended up going to DeWitt because D had his first half marathon (13.1 miles) Saturday morning. I was just so tired of dealing with everything, I wanted to get away for a bit and be distracted. D ran his half in 1:40:38 -- his goal was 1:45 so he did AMAZING!! He told me after that there were times he felt like walking, but he kept telling himself that he was doing this for LB. D got first place in his age division. LB and I are so proud of him.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was especially difficult because I feel like a Mom but I feel like because I don't have anything to show for it, no one cares. But D wished me a happy Mother's Day and Drew bought me flowers. That was all I needed. It was also nice to be able to celebrate our wonderful and amazing mothers.
So here I am, sitting in our apartment. Our little Angel, Gabriel LB Fano, up in Heaven playing with his cousins, Marion and Andrew. And I'm here left alone, feeling so empty inside.
Dr. Z said we can try again in two months, and that made me excited for a second, but I think we're going to try to wait a little while longer. I don't want to rush another pregnancy because 1-I'm scared and 2-I don't want to do it just to fill this void I have in my heart. I never realized how bad I wanted a baby until mine was taken from me. I'm trying very hard to accept God's will for us. I think D and I just need some time for us to heal.
RIP Gabriel LB Fano -- Mom and Dad love and miss you so much. You were created a little earlier than planned and taken way earlier than expected, but you'll always be our first Angel. Please continue to watch over Mom and Dad, LB.