Up since 6 in the morning
It hurts that he doesn't see his actions and words are making me turn away from him. Well, he probably does see. I just don't think he cares anymore. He doesn't really take interest in things going on with me. When I talk, he just says ok. No emotion, no engagement in the conversation. But when it's RJ or JJ, he's all ears and asks questions and he's so interested.
He just blames me for everything bad. If he doesn't pass the exam, I bet he'll take it out on me saying if we didn't fight or if you just left me alone and not wasted my time blah blah blah... Even if he passes, I'm sure there won't be any appreciation or thanks for helping him study, for being by his side, for trying to make things easier by helping him fold laundry or taking time out of my study time to help him.
No appreciation or thanks for the help that I even do for his family. He hasn't even done a fraction of what I've done for his family to my family nor does he care to. He's not even the same vacation Donnie. Maybe because he really hasn't had a vacation since we worked our butts of yesterday, but still.
He doesn't even really open up to me unless we're fighting and he gets all emotional then and let the tears flow. He tries to stay so strong, which I understand... but it's closed off. And it's supposedly not what he wants from me. How can he ask me to be open without being open to me? When he told me he cried when he heard about Ray having cancer, why didn't I get a phone call? Why would he let me be there for him?
All I really feel I do for him is give him an excuse to take a break from studying, to be a scapegoat in which he can take out all his frustration on, to be a little kid he can yell at, someone who's not as smart as him to make him feel smarter and have someone he can talk down to, someone who has a purse and carries his shit around when my purse already weighs a ton, and to be someone who's constantly complementing him on his smarts or muscles, handsome face, etc. I care too much and I show it too much and I make myself too available. I'm so disgusted at myself. I have no control in any part of our relationship. And that's just sad. And I give him too much power, but I just don't know how to get it back.
"So even though you're close to me, you're still so distant and I can't bring you back"
He just blames me for everything bad. If he doesn't pass the exam, I bet he'll take it out on me saying if we didn't fight or if you just left me alone and not wasted my time blah blah blah... Even if he passes, I'm sure there won't be any appreciation or thanks for helping him study, for being by his side, for trying to make things easier by helping him fold laundry or taking time out of my study time to help him.
No appreciation or thanks for the help that I even do for his family. He hasn't even done a fraction of what I've done for his family to my family nor does he care to. He's not even the same vacation Donnie. Maybe because he really hasn't had a vacation since we worked our butts of yesterday, but still.
He doesn't even really open up to me unless we're fighting and he gets all emotional then and let the tears flow. He tries to stay so strong, which I understand... but it's closed off. And it's supposedly not what he wants from me. How can he ask me to be open without being open to me? When he told me he cried when he heard about Ray having cancer, why didn't I get a phone call? Why would he let me be there for him?
All I really feel I do for him is give him an excuse to take a break from studying, to be a scapegoat in which he can take out all his frustration on, to be a little kid he can yell at, someone who's not as smart as him to make him feel smarter and have someone he can talk down to, someone who has a purse and carries his shit around when my purse already weighs a ton, and to be someone who's constantly complementing him on his smarts or muscles, handsome face, etc. I care too much and I show it too much and I make myself too available. I'm so disgusted at myself. I have no control in any part of our relationship. And that's just sad. And I give him too much power, but I just don't know how to get it back.
"So even though you're close to me, you're still so distant and I can't bring you back"