i will lie awake, lie for fun and fake the way i hold u, as u fall for every empty word i say...

[_nuwanda]

this was hurt i never wanted, i never asked for. i promised myself a long time ago i wasnt goin to love anyone, because i knew i couldnt. i cant get married later, i cant fall in love now. i didnt wanna get hurt. i liked being an island, i liked being in the bubble. everything was numbed. even the hitting, it was something i got used to, and then just got numbed to and it didnt make a difference anymore. i knew where i was and where i was goin. i wasnt goin to fall in love, i wasnt goin to let anyone love me. i didnt want the hurt that went along with that. i was goin bypass what everyone said was so great about it because i didnt wanna get hurt. and here i am, a year later and hurting from what i never wanted in the 1st place. im leaving in 11 days. i'll see mike like twice then, and it will be weird because its his summer, and summer means parties and hot girls, not girlfriends a year and 3 months younger then him that shouldnt be allowed to OWN a bikini, much less wear one. in 11 days i wont see him for 2 1/2 weeks. by then, with 2 1/2 weeks of parties and pools and skinny tan girls in bikinis, i'll just be a memory. it will be over a year from when it began. it was a good year. and i dont want it to end. i never wanted to love anyone, but i cant control my emotions outside of the bubble as well as i could in it. i dunno.
but i have me vs maradona vs elvis on repeat, and i want to stop crying, i want to stop being scared of this song. but im not. it still scares me, it scares me a lot. and i dunno what i can do about it anymore.
-heather