...
I carried my razor upstairs, and soon enough...wen't for a shower.
I know this seems so weird, for me to be telling you this, but this shower wasn't like any other.
It was differen't.
One swipe across the knee was all it took to get me to start bleeding.
But as always, it didn't matter.
It was just a tiny cut...it would stop bleeding soon.
Minutes later blood was streeming down my leg.
It didn't stop, no matter what i did.
The thing that struck me the most, was one of my first thoughts that struck my mind.
Now i know why people cut themselfs. It's a way to get away from all the thoughts in your mind. Cause your too busy worrying about your bleeding helpless body. One of the only chances to get away.
I can't say ive never thought about it before.
If i told you ive never thought these kind of things then i would be lying.
I think about them all the time.
What's the point?
Why does anyone even bother?
Is it really worth it?
But ive been too scared.
The thought of death scares me the most.
Even so, i don't know why these thoughts overwhelm me sometimes.
So i kept on going. Not worring about my now stinging leg.
And i didn't look at it either.
The thought of my leg with blood streeming out of it scared and terrified me.
Im just one of those kinds of people.
After conditioning my hair, i looked back at my leg.
The blood didn't stop. And surprisingly..it hurt even more.
I must have cut it deeply.
But it didn't matter...untill i could barely stand up...
My head was spinning.
I couldn't see anything and felt like i was blind.
I didn't know what i was doing or what was going on.
But all i knew was that i didn't like what was happening.
And i begged.
I wished and hoped and begged that i wouldn't die.
The thought of never being able to see my friends again. My family. The people who loved me. And the people who i loved. It scared me. It scared me all.
But i know it seemed stupid. To think that i was dying from one tiny cut on my leg.
But seriously, its not.
The rushing thoughts in my head and all my worries. The streaming blood down my leg. The hot water. The steam generated from the water. The noise of the fan. And all with the most important thought and fact that stood out in my mind above anything else...
I have Thalassemia {an inherited disease of the red blood cells, classified as a hemoglobinopathy. The genetic defect results in synthesis of an abnormal hemoglobin molecule. The blood cells are vulnerable to mechanical injury and die easily. To survive, many people with thalassaemia need blood transfusions at regular intervals - i only have a mild case (so i don't need transfusions), but still, it prevents me from giving blood etc. (ie. shortage of blood)} and could possibly die.
And that to me, that was a really scary thought.
So of course, i thought i was going to die.
Quickly, without noticing what i was doing, i hopped out of the shower.
Wrapping myself with a towel, i proceeded to get a band-aid...but my body got the better of me.
And, before i knew it, i had sat down, on the floor, breathing deeply, and imagining what would happen if i lost consciousness and my brother would come in seeing me lying on the floor, my body limp and helpless...
Time went on and slowly i was "recovering".
Carefully, i wen't back in the shower and finished what i couldn't before.
I look at the cut on my knee. Small as it is.
The thought of death scares me.
Even so, i don't know why the topic seems to come up in my mind often.
Must be cause i have such a shitty life.
There are so many things about me that you don't know.....
I know this seems so weird, for me to be telling you this, but this shower wasn't like any other.
It was differen't.
One swipe across the knee was all it took to get me to start bleeding.
But as always, it didn't matter.
It was just a tiny cut...it would stop bleeding soon.
Minutes later blood was streeming down my leg.
It didn't stop, no matter what i did.
The thing that struck me the most, was one of my first thoughts that struck my mind.
Now i know why people cut themselfs. It's a way to get away from all the thoughts in your mind. Cause your too busy worrying about your bleeding helpless body. One of the only chances to get away.
I can't say ive never thought about it before.
If i told you ive never thought these kind of things then i would be lying.
I think about them all the time.
What's the point?
Why does anyone even bother?
Is it really worth it?
But ive been too scared.
The thought of death scares me the most.
Even so, i don't know why these thoughts overwhelm me sometimes.
So i kept on going. Not worring about my now stinging leg.
And i didn't look at it either.
The thought of my leg with blood streeming out of it scared and terrified me.
Im just one of those kinds of people.
After conditioning my hair, i looked back at my leg.
The blood didn't stop. And surprisingly..it hurt even more.
I must have cut it deeply.
But it didn't matter...untill i could barely stand up...
My head was spinning.
I couldn't see anything and felt like i was blind.
I didn't know what i was doing or what was going on.
But all i knew was that i didn't like what was happening.
And i begged.
I wished and hoped and begged that i wouldn't die.
The thought of never being able to see my friends again. My family. The people who loved me. And the people who i loved. It scared me. It scared me all.
But i know it seemed stupid. To think that i was dying from one tiny cut on my leg.
But seriously, its not.
The rushing thoughts in my head and all my worries. The streaming blood down my leg. The hot water. The steam generated from the water. The noise of the fan. And all with the most important thought and fact that stood out in my mind above anything else...
I have Thalassemia {an inherited disease of the red blood cells, classified as a hemoglobinopathy. The genetic defect results in synthesis of an abnormal hemoglobin molecule. The blood cells are vulnerable to mechanical injury and die easily. To survive, many people with thalassaemia need blood transfusions at regular intervals - i only have a mild case (so i don't need transfusions), but still, it prevents me from giving blood etc. (ie. shortage of blood)} and could possibly die.
And that to me, that was a really scary thought.
So of course, i thought i was going to die.
Quickly, without noticing what i was doing, i hopped out of the shower.
Wrapping myself with a towel, i proceeded to get a band-aid...but my body got the better of me.
And, before i knew it, i had sat down, on the floor, breathing deeply, and imagining what would happen if i lost consciousness and my brother would come in seeing me lying on the floor, my body limp and helpless...
Time went on and slowly i was "recovering".
Carefully, i wen't back in the shower and finished what i couldn't before.
I look at the cut on my knee. Small as it is.
The thought of death scares me.
Even so, i don't know why the topic seems to come up in my mind often.
Must be cause i have such a shitty life.
There are so many things about me that you don't know.....