Look What I Found.
Apparently, I was pleased with this conversation.
lRabid Squirrell (2:10:02 AM): This time next year I'll be 19, not 20
lRabid Squirrell (2:10:05 AM): I feel as if I cheated somehow
o JimmytheGent o (2:10:28 AM): That's how we roll.
lRabid Squirrell (2:10:38 AM): I like rolling.
o JimmytheGent o (2:10:59 AM): I sometimes wish I could inflate myself so I could roll... like the girl in willy wonka
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:13 AM): Violet?!
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:17 AM): sometimes...
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:20 AM): ...I do it anyways.
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:27 AM): like last night.
o JimmytheGent o (2:11:41 AM): reeeeally?!
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:53 AM): hells yeah. I had my own rollo party in my room on my bed.
o JimmytheGent o (2:12:18 AM): oh maaan, that sounds like fun
lRabid Squirrell (2:12:40 AM): it really was.
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:38 AM): you and your punctuation
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:38 AM): .
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:55 AM): It seems so abrupt when you put periods on the end of things... I'
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:56 AM): m
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:59 AM): sure I've said this before
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:31 AM): it seems so abrupt when you put ' s at the end of things.
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:33 AM): it'
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:34 AM): s
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:36 AM): so abrupt
o JimmytheGent o (2:14:40 AM): lol
o JimmytheGent o (2:14:41 AM): quiet
lRabid Squirrell (2:19:19 AM): Maybe I AM being abrupt with you intentionally.
lRabid Squirrell (2:19:23 AM): I just don't know it.
o JimmytheGent o (2:19:29 AM): ...maybe,
lRabid Squirrell (2:20:25 AM): Well, it's the thought that counts.
lRabid Squirrell (2:20:29 AM): And do you know what I think?
o JimmytheGent o (2:21:11 AM): That you hate me?
lRabid Squirrell (2:21:14 AM): I think I'm not being abrupt with you.
lRabid Squirrell (2:21:33 AM): I think I like proper punctuation.
o JimmytheGent o (2:22:02 AM): I think I love you... so what am I so afraid of... Yay! You made me happy
lRabid Squirrell (2:22:12 AM): hahaha!
lRabid Squirrell (2:22:25 AM): Glad to hear that, glad to hear that.
lRabid Squirrell (2:22:28 AM): I live to make Eric happy.
o JimmytheGent o (2:22:52 AM): I try my hardest to make other people happy, but I always fail
o JimmytheGent o (2:23:03 AM): If I make one person happy, I'm making another person sad somehow
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:10 AM): boo, don't start. You made me happy right now.
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:22 AM): If anyone's sad because of you it's their own silly fault
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:33 AM): you don't do anything to hurt people. You have nothing but good and honest intentions.
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:55 AM): and everyone who knows you knows that.
lRabid Squirrell (2:56:33 AM): but I think you're on solid ground. You really are perfectly considerate and good-mannered and a gentleman.
lRabid Squirrell (2:56:43 AM): I doubt you can hurt any girl. Guys just forget to think sometimes.
o JimmytheGent o (3:08:51 AM): Hahah, well yeah... online I get to write and write what I'm really thinking without worrying how I look
o JimmytheGent o (3:09:02 AM): I'd be a complete wreck if I was a caveman.
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:10 AM): haha! Don't say that!
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:19 AM): If you were a caveman you would've invented the wheel
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:27 AM): therefore you'd have the pimpest ride in the cave
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:35 AM): so all those foxy cavewomen would want to tap that.
o JimmytheGent o (3:09:36 AM): hahah... then the girls would only be after my wheels
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:45 AM): hahaha! See?
o JimmytheGent o (3:09:57 AM): well, that's not me! That's the equivilent of someone loving someone for money!
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:21 AM): not for you?
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:23 AM): Yeah.
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:39 AM): I think some cavewomen would be attracted to your smartness of inventing the wheel
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:40 AM): or fire
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:49 AM): women were always complicated
o JimmytheGent o (3:14:27 AM): and then... I can't help but think people are stupid when they use "ya" or 2 instead of to or too
lRabid Squirrell (3:14:45 AM): me too!
lRabid Squirrell (3:15:07 AM): Yeah, I hate that.
lRabid Squirrell (3:15:13 AM): I hate it especially when I read it in books
o JimmytheGent o (3:15:31 AM): I know it's illogical, but if you wrote like that... even though I know you're a brilliant girl, I wouldn't wanna talk to you
o JimmytheGent o (3:15:41 AM): online at least
lRabid Squirrell (3:15:56 AM): no, understandable. But that's like... your internet face.
o JimmytheGent o (3:15:59 AM): yeah
o JimmytheGent o (3:16:02 AM): you'd be FUGLY
o JimmytheGent o (3:16:04 AM): :P
lRabid Squirrell (3:16:06 AM): hahaha
lRabid Squirrell (3:16:20 AM): what can I say, God blessed me in all areas.
lRabid Squirrell (3:16:26 AM): oh man! That was uncalled for!
o JimmytheGent o (3:17:40 AM): It's true, He did.
o JimmytheGent o (3:17:44 AM): hahah
lRabid Squirrell (3:17:56 AM): don't lie; I wont pay you.
o JimmytheGent o (3:18:17 AM): That's why I don't lie to you!
lRabid Squirrell (3:18:24 AM): haha!
lRabid Squirrell (3:18:26 AM): niiiice
lRabid Squirrell (3:46:58 AM): we'll be insecure together
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:01 AM): k
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:08 AM): for our internet faces AND our... real faces.
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:08 AM): but you're not though
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:15 AM): I read your livejournal!
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:18 AM): I am.
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:24 AM): I like to pretend I'm self-confident.
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:30 AM): me too
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:35 AM): well.. not really
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:36 AM): lol
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:36 AM): because it gives me confidence that people think I'm self-confident.
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:59 AM): usually though... whatever you pretend to be... you usually become
lRabid Squirrell (3:48:29 AM): well, no matter how pretty I can get i'll always be insecure. That's just the way of life. Well, around people you're not comfortable around or whatever.
o JimmytheGent o (3:49:51 AM): I think I'm bad at first impressions... because I get all quiet. I don't wanna say anything dumb... so then people think I'm unfriendly... and I end up not having them for a friend
o JimmytheGent o (3:50:02 AM): le sigh.
lRabid Squirrell (3:50:38 AM): well, I'm glad I gave you more chances.
lRabid Squirrell (3:50:48 AM): they miss out.
o JimmytheGent o (3:51:09 AM): hahah, I think that too... I think I have interesting things to say
lRabid Squirrell (3:51:18 AM): you do!
lRabid Squirrell (3:51:27 AM): but it's not just your interesting conversations
o JimmytheGent o (3:51:30 AM): But you gotta admit... I gave you a bad first impression...
lRabid Squirrell (3:51:46 AM): why do you say that?
o JimmytheGent o (3:52:21 AM): You've told me already you thought I didn't like you
lRabid Squirrell (3:52:41 AM): haha, yeah. It was pretty hard, I'm not gonna lie.
lRabid Squirrell (3:52:50 AM): I lost sleep, I was like, "He hates me! T.T"
lRabid Squirrell (3:53:13 AM): cuz I've always had alot of respect for you, so the thought of you hating me was unbearable.
o JimmytheGent o (3:53:18 AM): lol, well.. not like that but... I give the impression that I don't like people
o JimmytheGent o (3:53:52 AM): that is so untrue, liz, lol
lRabid Squirrell (3:54:05 AM): why do you say that, it's true!
o JimmytheGent o (3:56:07 AM): what respect could I have earned from you?
lRabid Squirrell (3:56:39 AM): the fact that you existed.
o JimmytheGent o (3:57:28 AM): everyone exists.
lRabid Squirrell (3:57:43 AM): Like, I'd read your lj sometimes before I knew you and I'd see how your friends were with you.
lRabid Squirrell (3:57:54 AM): and I could just tell the kind of person you were.
lRabid Squirrell (3:57:58 AM): are
o JimmytheGent o (3:59:04 AM): Thanks, Lizzie.. You're amazing at making me feel good
lRabid Squirrell (3:59:24 AM): haha. Well, you deserve to know the truth!
o JimmytheGent o (3:59:41 AM): I'm pretty sure ... was I in depressio mode then?
lRabid Squirrell (3:59:49 AM): when?
o JimmytheGent o (3:59:59 AM): when you read my livejournal
o JimmytheGent o (4:00:07 AM): I don't remember writing much in my livejournal when I wasn't depressed
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:12 AM): oh... no, I don't think so...
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:15 AM): well
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:20 AM): I specifically remember this one time
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:34 AM): when you talked about how you'd buy candy before you get to school just to give it out to people
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:41 AM): and you always offer people, always
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:53 AM): and if they want something you always give it to them, and then you wont have any yourself
lRabid Squirrell (4:01:05 AM): so when there's something you don't want to give, you wont even take it outu to show people
o JimmytheGent o (4:01:45 AM): hmmm, weird
lRabid Squirrell (4:01:46 AM): and I remember...
o JimmytheGent o (4:01:53 AM): I don't remember that
o JimmytheGent o (4:02:00 AM): but it's true...
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:08 AM): how one morning I got to keep a drink from you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:02:15 AM): I did buy candy just to give to people..
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:18 AM): and then I remembered another time, right after I read that journal, too!
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:25 AM): It was during the summer at camp... well, it was my choir camp
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:30 AM): and you were at work or something, UTEP
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:38 AM): and we had lunch and sure enough, you offered us everything
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:46 AM): but you had this one thing wrapped in foil
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:52 AM): and you peaked inside and you went like this:
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:55 AM): :O!
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:58 AM): <.< >.>
lRabid Squirrell (4:03:05 AM): and you wrapped it back up and put it away.
o JimmytheGent o (4:03:17 AM): hahah.. I'm so predictable...
lRabid Squirrell (4:03:24 AM): It was ADORABLE!
o JimmytheGent o (4:03:46 AM): lol... thank you
lRabid Squirrell (4:03:46 AM): I was incredibly facinated at how... you could do that.
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:11 AM): like... just... write how you are in your lj, and it was true!
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:21 AM): word for word
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:36 AM): I can try writing how I am in my lj, but I feel like I need to convince myself sometimes.
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:59 AM): because my actions would show I'm different than what I say, so I'd have to come up with explainations.
lRabid Squirrell (4:05:14 AM): but you were all... it's true
lRabid Squirrell (4:05:27 AM): and frankly, I was touched by what a compassionate, caring person you are.
lRabid Squirrell (4:05:34 AM): ..not to mention adorable.
o JimmytheGent o (4:05:53 AM): you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that
lRabid Squirrell (4:06:18 AM): haha, well I'm glad I'm saying it!
o JimmytheGent o (4:06:57 AM): :) Me too
lRabid Squirrell (4:07:06 AM): ^.^
lRabid Squirrell (4:31:06 AM): you need to be more forward with your feelings!
lRabid Squirrell (4:31:16 AM): your crushes miss out!
o JimmytheGent o (4:31:33 AM): ...they always find someone better
lRabid Squirrell (4:31:43 AM): Bull!!!
lRabid Squirrell (4:32:08 AM): don't ever think like that!
o JimmytheGent o (4:32:08 AM): It's not
o JimmytheGent o (4:32:25 AM): I think it's the truth... they always do
lRabid Squirrell (4:33:16 AM): I can't imagine someone better than you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:33:32 AM): You're silly.
o JimmytheGent o (4:33:42 AM): I'm a total flake..
lRabid Squirrell (4:33:49 AM): No you aren't!
lRabid Squirrell (4:33:56 AM): why would you say that?!
o JimmytheGent o (4:34:05 AM): I never know what I'm going to do until I do it... and that's why I always get in trouble with people
o JimmytheGent o (4:34:08 AM): I can't plan ahead
lRabid Squirrell (4:34:17 AM): well, in some cases that's good
o JimmytheGent o (4:34:25 AM): That's why I love being alone in my room not doing anything because I don't disappoint anyone
lRabid Squirrell (4:34:34 AM): ;/
lRabid Squirrell (4:35:00 AM): You have no idea how many people truly do love you!
lRabid Squirrell (4:36:30 AM): that reminded me of one time when we broke up he said, "You deserve someone better" and I said, "You're damn right I deserve someone better!" and he got mad and said, "What, so now you think you're better than me?!"
o JimmytheGent o (4:36:31 AM): I know that...and I love them back... that's why I can't bear to disappoint them all the time
lRabid Squirrell (4:36:51 AM): They love you, but it's so hard to disappoint people who love you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:36:56 AM): Yet I manage
o JimmytheGent o (4:37:00 AM): I am truly talented
lRabid Squirrell (4:37:10 AM): you don't manage!
o JimmytheGent o (4:37:16 AM): I do, it's amazing!
o JimmytheGent o (4:37:28 AM): I frickin' rock n roll!
lRabid Squirrell (4:37:43 AM): you roll alright, but not at disappointing people.
lRabid Squirrell (4:37:49 AM): You've never disappointed me
o JimmytheGent o (4:38:46 AM): Fine... maybe I disappoint myself at how much of a better friend I could be...
o JimmytheGent o (4:39:05 AM): I mean... you've told me I've made you sad before... that's not something I ever want to do
lRabid Squirrell (4:39:36 AM): You see, but if you were any other person, any other friend you think... like... I don't think anyone else would care if they made me sad or not.
lRabid Squirrell (4:40:17 AM): the fact that you don't ever want to make me sad... ever... already tells me how perfect you are as a friend, and how high your standards are for yourself.
lRabid Squirrell (4:40:24 AM): Especially considering the fact that you hardly ever make me sad
o JimmytheGent o (4:46:06 AM): But... I really and truly can't bear to have someone I love mad at me
o JimmytheGent o (4:46:11 AM): It tears away at me and I can't think
o JimmytheGent o (4:46:37 AM): I remember, recently, I wrote a quick myspace blog saying, I can't study because I'm thinking about a friendship.
o JimmytheGent o (4:47:08 AM): I failed that test. I seriously couldn't ... because I thought someone was mad at me
o JimmytheGent o (4:47:15 AM): I simply can't function
lRabid Squirrell (4:47:20 AM): ;/ you said you didn't...
o JimmytheGent o (4:47:29 AM): I lied
lRabid Squirrell (4:47:44 AM): ahhhhhhhh, Eric...
lRabid Squirrell (4:47:59 AM): Given the person you are, I don't think anyone could seriously be mad at you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:54:51 AM): I just... it doesn't matter if someone else isn't... I just want to be the best friend I can be...
o JimmytheGent o (4:55:01 AM): I can always try harder
lRabid Squirrell (4:55:08 AM): You're amazing, y'know that?
lRabid Squirrell (4:55:18 AM): You never fail to amaze me.
lRabid Squirrell (4:56:41 AM): I'm not sure if anyone will realize just how amazing you are...
lRabid Squirrell (4:56:44 AM): but no ones perfect.
lRabid Squirrell (4:56:53 AM): and it's ok to make mistakes, you know.
lRabid Squirrell (4:57:08 AM): friends stick around.
lRabid Squirrell (4:57:17 AM): Because you're worth a mistake or two
lRabid Squirrell (4:57:19 AM): or ten.
o JimmytheGent o (4:57:55 AM): I know... the ones worth anything will stick around... but I don't want to have to make them decide ever if they want to stick around...
o JimmytheGent o (4:58:05 AM): It should never be a question
o JimmytheGent o (4:58:09 AM): It never will be for me.
lRabid Squirrell (4:58:42 AM): and me neither, so that's one less person to worry about!
lRabid Squirrell (5:00:51 AM): You're smart, funny, attractive, considerate, kind, caring, loving, loyal, and you strive for perfection- if you lack one or two of those things every now and then... well, there's no question of friendship.
lRabid Squirrell (5:01:38 AM): I doubt there ever will be with any friend! And if there is a doubt of friendship, it most likely wont be your fault.
o JimmytheGent o (5:01:43 AM): You're awesome. Thanks.
lRabid Squirrell (5:04:05 AM): This is how I've always thought about friends...
lRabid Squirrell (5:04:27 AM): I say... if you don't think I'm worth it, then you're not worth it.
lRabid Squirrell (5:04:57 AM): I doubt it'll ever be your fault, a doubt of friendship, and if they think it is, then they... I would honestly think that they're dense.
o JimmytheGent o (5:06:12 AM): You're right, of course
lRabid Squirrell (5:07:14 AM): Everything will be alright.and we are... young...
lRabid Squirrell (5:07:52 AM): so it's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to not be perfect. In fact, it's our job.
lRabid Squirrell (5:08:25 AM): And I really think a friendship with you would be worth... all the mistakes in the world.
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:05 AM): I'll always be here, Eric- trust me.
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:17 AM): There's no way I can let you go. Not that easily, at least.
o JimmytheGent o (5:29:21 AM): Thanks, Liz
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:29 AM): And your real friends, the ones that really know your worth would do the same.
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:37 AM): cuz you're just that amazing.
o JimmytheGent o (5:30:08 AM): thanks...
lRabid Squirrell (5:30:34 AM): ^.^
hahaha. What the hell happened?
I was already inlove.
and he made a very... very big mistake.
And had I not seen him as more than a friend, then the friendship might've... probably would've survived that mistake.
Don't you wish that could fix everything? Saying "It was a mistake" "it was a mistake" hoping the person you hurt would understand. It just doesn't work like that.
Throughout this school year I'd write entries about him, but I'd never mention his name because I knew how upset he'd be to know how distraught I was about him. I pretended there were a lot of guys I cared for and that I was talking about them, but... it was always him. I just didn't want to affect his schoolwork. haha. Oh... I've changed so much.
Reading this conversation makes me realize what a different person I am now. That Liz was bursting with love and loyalty for a very good friend and even after I found out about him and the other girl it was very hard for me to stop being loyal- it was hard for be to break that tie, but I realized that the girl I am now...
I've came to a magnificent realization.
I've noticed I've been a bitch lately. Low tolerance of mitakes made by friends and I realized that this is because I'm finally giving my feelings the attention they deserve.
I haven't had the best year. I was constantly putting Chris or Eric before myself and I found out that none of them were worth it regarding the outcome of both situations so now I'm not tolerating anyones shit.
As a result, I've been pushing everyone away the second they give me a reason to debunk their skill as a friend. I hope you all realize all that pain I've gone through this year regarding unloyal people and I can't stand to see a trait like that in any of my friends.
I mean, I stood enough of it, right? I mean, all of the fights I had to go through with Chris... come to think of it, ever since Robin every guy I've cared about has been extreamly emotionally stressing. I mean, there's Robin for one... then all year with Eric, then a semester with Chris... I mean, I was up to my eyeballs worrying about everyone and putting myself aside. I'd stay up late talking to chris making sure he wouldn't kill himself, then I'd miss every class the next day because I had slept in... it wasn't healthy for me.
I am tired. I am... emotionally maxed out. I don't have energy to stand for another betrayal of any sort.
The truth is that in relationships I play the role of a mother.
I will care for your wounds, I will hold you and rock you and sing you to sleep if you can't.
Then, I get lied to and yelled at and walked on... and they could care less because... I play the role of a mother- someone who will always be there for them.
I can't do that anymore. Quite frankly, I'm sad that I can't... because I was brilliant at being that girl.
But now... my feelings feel as if... I need to walk over people. I need them to let me. I need them to respect me more. I need to not be as constant in their lives because they're far too comfortable with me.
lRabid Squirrell (2:10:02 AM): This time next year I'll be 19, not 20
lRabid Squirrell (2:10:05 AM): I feel as if I cheated somehow
o JimmytheGent o (2:10:28 AM): That's how we roll.
lRabid Squirrell (2:10:38 AM): I like rolling.
o JimmytheGent o (2:10:59 AM): I sometimes wish I could inflate myself so I could roll... like the girl in willy wonka
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:13 AM): Violet?!
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:17 AM): sometimes...
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:20 AM): ...I do it anyways.
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:27 AM): like last night.
o JimmytheGent o (2:11:41 AM): reeeeally?!
lRabid Squirrell (2:11:53 AM): hells yeah. I had my own rollo party in my room on my bed.
o JimmytheGent o (2:12:18 AM): oh maaan, that sounds like fun
lRabid Squirrell (2:12:40 AM): it really was.
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:38 AM): you and your punctuation
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:38 AM): .
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:55 AM): It seems so abrupt when you put periods on the end of things... I'
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:56 AM): m
o JimmytheGent o (2:13:59 AM): sure I've said this before
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:31 AM): it seems so abrupt when you put ' s at the end of things.
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:33 AM): it'
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:34 AM): s
lRabid Squirrell (2:14:36 AM): so abrupt
o JimmytheGent o (2:14:40 AM): lol
o JimmytheGent o (2:14:41 AM): quiet
lRabid Squirrell (2:19:19 AM): Maybe I AM being abrupt with you intentionally.
lRabid Squirrell (2:19:23 AM): I just don't know it.
o JimmytheGent o (2:19:29 AM): ...maybe,
lRabid Squirrell (2:20:25 AM): Well, it's the thought that counts.
lRabid Squirrell (2:20:29 AM): And do you know what I think?
o JimmytheGent o (2:21:11 AM): That you hate me?
lRabid Squirrell (2:21:14 AM): I think I'm not being abrupt with you.
lRabid Squirrell (2:21:33 AM): I think I like proper punctuation.
o JimmytheGent o (2:22:02 AM): I think I love you... so what am I so afraid of... Yay! You made me happy
lRabid Squirrell (2:22:12 AM): hahaha!
lRabid Squirrell (2:22:25 AM): Glad to hear that, glad to hear that.
lRabid Squirrell (2:22:28 AM): I live to make Eric happy.
o JimmytheGent o (2:22:52 AM): I try my hardest to make other people happy, but I always fail
o JimmytheGent o (2:23:03 AM): If I make one person happy, I'm making another person sad somehow
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:10 AM): boo, don't start. You made me happy right now.
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:22 AM): If anyone's sad because of you it's their own silly fault
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:33 AM): you don't do anything to hurt people. You have nothing but good and honest intentions.
lRabid Squirrell (2:23:55 AM): and everyone who knows you knows that.
lRabid Squirrell (2:56:33 AM): but I think you're on solid ground. You really are perfectly considerate and good-mannered and a gentleman.
lRabid Squirrell (2:56:43 AM): I doubt you can hurt any girl. Guys just forget to think sometimes.
o JimmytheGent o (3:08:51 AM): Hahah, well yeah... online I get to write and write what I'm really thinking without worrying how I look
o JimmytheGent o (3:09:02 AM): I'd be a complete wreck if I was a caveman.
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:10 AM): haha! Don't say that!
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:19 AM): If you were a caveman you would've invented the wheel
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:27 AM): therefore you'd have the pimpest ride in the cave
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:35 AM): so all those foxy cavewomen would want to tap that.
o JimmytheGent o (3:09:36 AM): hahah... then the girls would only be after my wheels
lRabid Squirrell (3:09:45 AM): hahaha! See?
o JimmytheGent o (3:09:57 AM): well, that's not me! That's the equivilent of someone loving someone for money!
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:21 AM): not for you?
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:23 AM): Yeah.
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:39 AM): I think some cavewomen would be attracted to your smartness of inventing the wheel
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:40 AM): or fire
lRabid Squirrell (3:10:49 AM): women were always complicated
o JimmytheGent o (3:14:27 AM): and then... I can't help but think people are stupid when they use "ya" or 2 instead of to or too
lRabid Squirrell (3:14:45 AM): me too!
lRabid Squirrell (3:15:07 AM): Yeah, I hate that.
lRabid Squirrell (3:15:13 AM): I hate it especially when I read it in books
o JimmytheGent o (3:15:31 AM): I know it's illogical, but if you wrote like that... even though I know you're a brilliant girl, I wouldn't wanna talk to you
o JimmytheGent o (3:15:41 AM): online at least
lRabid Squirrell (3:15:56 AM): no, understandable. But that's like... your internet face.
o JimmytheGent o (3:15:59 AM): yeah
o JimmytheGent o (3:16:02 AM): you'd be FUGLY
o JimmytheGent o (3:16:04 AM): :P
lRabid Squirrell (3:16:06 AM): hahaha
lRabid Squirrell (3:16:20 AM): what can I say, God blessed me in all areas.
lRabid Squirrell (3:16:26 AM): oh man! That was uncalled for!
o JimmytheGent o (3:17:40 AM): It's true, He did.
o JimmytheGent o (3:17:44 AM): hahah
lRabid Squirrell (3:17:56 AM): don't lie; I wont pay you.
o JimmytheGent o (3:18:17 AM): That's why I don't lie to you!
lRabid Squirrell (3:18:24 AM): haha!
lRabid Squirrell (3:18:26 AM): niiiice
lRabid Squirrell (3:46:58 AM): we'll be insecure together
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:01 AM): k
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:08 AM): for our internet faces AND our... real faces.
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:08 AM): but you're not though
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:15 AM): I read your livejournal!
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:18 AM): I am.
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:24 AM): I like to pretend I'm self-confident.
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:30 AM): me too
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:35 AM): well.. not really
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:36 AM): lol
lRabid Squirrell (3:47:36 AM): because it gives me confidence that people think I'm self-confident.
o JimmytheGent o (3:47:59 AM): usually though... whatever you pretend to be... you usually become
lRabid Squirrell (3:48:29 AM): well, no matter how pretty I can get i'll always be insecure. That's just the way of life. Well, around people you're not comfortable around or whatever.
o JimmytheGent o (3:49:51 AM): I think I'm bad at first impressions... because I get all quiet. I don't wanna say anything dumb... so then people think I'm unfriendly... and I end up not having them for a friend
o JimmytheGent o (3:50:02 AM): le sigh.
lRabid Squirrell (3:50:38 AM): well, I'm glad I gave you more chances.
lRabid Squirrell (3:50:48 AM): they miss out.
o JimmytheGent o (3:51:09 AM): hahah, I think that too... I think I have interesting things to say
lRabid Squirrell (3:51:18 AM): you do!
lRabid Squirrell (3:51:27 AM): but it's not just your interesting conversations
o JimmytheGent o (3:51:30 AM): But you gotta admit... I gave you a bad first impression...
lRabid Squirrell (3:51:46 AM): why do you say that?
o JimmytheGent o (3:52:21 AM): You've told me already you thought I didn't like you
lRabid Squirrell (3:52:41 AM): haha, yeah. It was pretty hard, I'm not gonna lie.
lRabid Squirrell (3:52:50 AM): I lost sleep, I was like, "He hates me! T.T"
lRabid Squirrell (3:53:13 AM): cuz I've always had alot of respect for you, so the thought of you hating me was unbearable.
o JimmytheGent o (3:53:18 AM): lol, well.. not like that but... I give the impression that I don't like people
o JimmytheGent o (3:53:52 AM): that is so untrue, liz, lol
lRabid Squirrell (3:54:05 AM): why do you say that, it's true!
o JimmytheGent o (3:56:07 AM): what respect could I have earned from you?
lRabid Squirrell (3:56:39 AM): the fact that you existed.
o JimmytheGent o (3:57:28 AM): everyone exists.
lRabid Squirrell (3:57:43 AM): Like, I'd read your lj sometimes before I knew you and I'd see how your friends were with you.
lRabid Squirrell (3:57:54 AM): and I could just tell the kind of person you were.
lRabid Squirrell (3:57:58 AM): are
o JimmytheGent o (3:59:04 AM): Thanks, Lizzie.. You're amazing at making me feel good
lRabid Squirrell (3:59:24 AM): haha. Well, you deserve to know the truth!
o JimmytheGent o (3:59:41 AM): I'm pretty sure ... was I in depressio mode then?
lRabid Squirrell (3:59:49 AM): when?
o JimmytheGent o (3:59:59 AM): when you read my livejournal
o JimmytheGent o (4:00:07 AM): I don't remember writing much in my livejournal when I wasn't depressed
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:12 AM): oh... no, I don't think so...
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:15 AM): well
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:20 AM): I specifically remember this one time
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:34 AM): when you talked about how you'd buy candy before you get to school just to give it out to people
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:41 AM): and you always offer people, always
lRabid Squirrell (4:00:53 AM): and if they want something you always give it to them, and then you wont have any yourself
lRabid Squirrell (4:01:05 AM): so when there's something you don't want to give, you wont even take it outu to show people
o JimmytheGent o (4:01:45 AM): hmmm, weird
lRabid Squirrell (4:01:46 AM): and I remember...
o JimmytheGent o (4:01:53 AM): I don't remember that
o JimmytheGent o (4:02:00 AM): but it's true...
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:08 AM): how one morning I got to keep a drink from you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:02:15 AM): I did buy candy just to give to people..
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:18 AM): and then I remembered another time, right after I read that journal, too!
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:25 AM): It was during the summer at camp... well, it was my choir camp
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:30 AM): and you were at work or something, UTEP
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:38 AM): and we had lunch and sure enough, you offered us everything
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:46 AM): but you had this one thing wrapped in foil
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:52 AM): and you peaked inside and you went like this:
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:55 AM): :O!
lRabid Squirrell (4:02:58 AM): <.< >.>
lRabid Squirrell (4:03:05 AM): and you wrapped it back up and put it away.
o JimmytheGent o (4:03:17 AM): hahah.. I'm so predictable...
lRabid Squirrell (4:03:24 AM): It was ADORABLE!
o JimmytheGent o (4:03:46 AM): lol... thank you
lRabid Squirrell (4:03:46 AM): I was incredibly facinated at how... you could do that.
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:11 AM): like... just... write how you are in your lj, and it was true!
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:21 AM): word for word
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:36 AM): I can try writing how I am in my lj, but I feel like I need to convince myself sometimes.
lRabid Squirrell (4:04:59 AM): because my actions would show I'm different than what I say, so I'd have to come up with explainations.
lRabid Squirrell (4:05:14 AM): but you were all... it's true
lRabid Squirrell (4:05:27 AM): and frankly, I was touched by what a compassionate, caring person you are.
lRabid Squirrell (4:05:34 AM): ..not to mention adorable.
o JimmytheGent o (4:05:53 AM): you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that
lRabid Squirrell (4:06:18 AM): haha, well I'm glad I'm saying it!
o JimmytheGent o (4:06:57 AM): :) Me too
lRabid Squirrell (4:07:06 AM): ^.^
lRabid Squirrell (4:31:06 AM): you need to be more forward with your feelings!
lRabid Squirrell (4:31:16 AM): your crushes miss out!
o JimmytheGent o (4:31:33 AM): ...they always find someone better
lRabid Squirrell (4:31:43 AM): Bull!!!
lRabid Squirrell (4:32:08 AM): don't ever think like that!
o JimmytheGent o (4:32:08 AM): It's not
o JimmytheGent o (4:32:25 AM): I think it's the truth... they always do
lRabid Squirrell (4:33:16 AM): I can't imagine someone better than you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:33:32 AM): You're silly.
o JimmytheGent o (4:33:42 AM): I'm a total flake..
lRabid Squirrell (4:33:49 AM): No you aren't!
lRabid Squirrell (4:33:56 AM): why would you say that?!
o JimmytheGent o (4:34:05 AM): I never know what I'm going to do until I do it... and that's why I always get in trouble with people
o JimmytheGent o (4:34:08 AM): I can't plan ahead
lRabid Squirrell (4:34:17 AM): well, in some cases that's good
o JimmytheGent o (4:34:25 AM): That's why I love being alone in my room not doing anything because I don't disappoint anyone
lRabid Squirrell (4:34:34 AM): ;/
lRabid Squirrell (4:35:00 AM): You have no idea how many people truly do love you!
lRabid Squirrell (4:36:30 AM): that reminded me of one time when we broke up he said, "You deserve someone better" and I said, "You're damn right I deserve someone better!" and he got mad and said, "What, so now you think you're better than me?!"
o JimmytheGent o (4:36:31 AM): I know that...and I love them back... that's why I can't bear to disappoint them all the time
lRabid Squirrell (4:36:51 AM): They love you, but it's so hard to disappoint people who love you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:36:56 AM): Yet I manage
o JimmytheGent o (4:37:00 AM): I am truly talented
lRabid Squirrell (4:37:10 AM): you don't manage!
o JimmytheGent o (4:37:16 AM): I do, it's amazing!
o JimmytheGent o (4:37:28 AM): I frickin' rock n roll!
lRabid Squirrell (4:37:43 AM): you roll alright, but not at disappointing people.
lRabid Squirrell (4:37:49 AM): You've never disappointed me
o JimmytheGent o (4:38:46 AM): Fine... maybe I disappoint myself at how much of a better friend I could be...
o JimmytheGent o (4:39:05 AM): I mean... you've told me I've made you sad before... that's not something I ever want to do
lRabid Squirrell (4:39:36 AM): You see, but if you were any other person, any other friend you think... like... I don't think anyone else would care if they made me sad or not.
lRabid Squirrell (4:40:17 AM): the fact that you don't ever want to make me sad... ever... already tells me how perfect you are as a friend, and how high your standards are for yourself.
lRabid Squirrell (4:40:24 AM): Especially considering the fact that you hardly ever make me sad
o JimmytheGent o (4:46:06 AM): But... I really and truly can't bear to have someone I love mad at me
o JimmytheGent o (4:46:11 AM): It tears away at me and I can't think
o JimmytheGent o (4:46:37 AM): I remember, recently, I wrote a quick myspace blog saying, I can't study because I'm thinking about a friendship.
o JimmytheGent o (4:47:08 AM): I failed that test. I seriously couldn't ... because I thought someone was mad at me
o JimmytheGent o (4:47:15 AM): I simply can't function
lRabid Squirrell (4:47:20 AM): ;/ you said you didn't...
o JimmytheGent o (4:47:29 AM): I lied
lRabid Squirrell (4:47:44 AM): ahhhhhhhh, Eric...
lRabid Squirrell (4:47:59 AM): Given the person you are, I don't think anyone could seriously be mad at you.
o JimmytheGent o (4:54:51 AM): I just... it doesn't matter if someone else isn't... I just want to be the best friend I can be...
o JimmytheGent o (4:55:01 AM): I can always try harder
lRabid Squirrell (4:55:08 AM): You're amazing, y'know that?
lRabid Squirrell (4:55:18 AM): You never fail to amaze me.
lRabid Squirrell (4:56:41 AM): I'm not sure if anyone will realize just how amazing you are...
lRabid Squirrell (4:56:44 AM): but no ones perfect.
lRabid Squirrell (4:56:53 AM): and it's ok to make mistakes, you know.
lRabid Squirrell (4:57:08 AM): friends stick around.
lRabid Squirrell (4:57:17 AM): Because you're worth a mistake or two
lRabid Squirrell (4:57:19 AM): or ten.
o JimmytheGent o (4:57:55 AM): I know... the ones worth anything will stick around... but I don't want to have to make them decide ever if they want to stick around...
o JimmytheGent o (4:58:05 AM): It should never be a question
o JimmytheGent o (4:58:09 AM): It never will be for me.
lRabid Squirrell (4:58:42 AM): and me neither, so that's one less person to worry about!
lRabid Squirrell (5:00:51 AM): You're smart, funny, attractive, considerate, kind, caring, loving, loyal, and you strive for perfection- if you lack one or two of those things every now and then... well, there's no question of friendship.
lRabid Squirrell (5:01:38 AM): I doubt there ever will be with any friend! And if there is a doubt of friendship, it most likely wont be your fault.
o JimmytheGent o (5:01:43 AM): You're awesome. Thanks.
lRabid Squirrell (5:04:05 AM): This is how I've always thought about friends...
lRabid Squirrell (5:04:27 AM): I say... if you don't think I'm worth it, then you're not worth it.
lRabid Squirrell (5:04:57 AM): I doubt it'll ever be your fault, a doubt of friendship, and if they think it is, then they... I would honestly think that they're dense.
o JimmytheGent o (5:06:12 AM): You're right, of course
lRabid Squirrell (5:07:14 AM): Everything will be alright.and we are... young...
lRabid Squirrell (5:07:52 AM): so it's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to not be perfect. In fact, it's our job.
lRabid Squirrell (5:08:25 AM): And I really think a friendship with you would be worth... all the mistakes in the world.
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:05 AM): I'll always be here, Eric- trust me.
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:17 AM): There's no way I can let you go. Not that easily, at least.
o JimmytheGent o (5:29:21 AM): Thanks, Liz
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:29 AM): And your real friends, the ones that really know your worth would do the same.
lRabid Squirrell (5:29:37 AM): cuz you're just that amazing.
o JimmytheGent o (5:30:08 AM): thanks...
lRabid Squirrell (5:30:34 AM): ^.^
hahaha. What the hell happened?
I was already inlove.
and he made a very... very big mistake.
And had I not seen him as more than a friend, then the friendship might've... probably would've survived that mistake.
Don't you wish that could fix everything? Saying "It was a mistake" "it was a mistake" hoping the person you hurt would understand. It just doesn't work like that.
Throughout this school year I'd write entries about him, but I'd never mention his name because I knew how upset he'd be to know how distraught I was about him. I pretended there were a lot of guys I cared for and that I was talking about them, but... it was always him. I just didn't want to affect his schoolwork. haha. Oh... I've changed so much.
Reading this conversation makes me realize what a different person I am now. That Liz was bursting with love and loyalty for a very good friend and even after I found out about him and the other girl it was very hard for me to stop being loyal- it was hard for be to break that tie, but I realized that the girl I am now...
I've came to a magnificent realization.
I've noticed I've been a bitch lately. Low tolerance of mitakes made by friends and I realized that this is because I'm finally giving my feelings the attention they deserve.
I haven't had the best year. I was constantly putting Chris or Eric before myself and I found out that none of them were worth it regarding the outcome of both situations so now I'm not tolerating anyones shit.
As a result, I've been pushing everyone away the second they give me a reason to debunk their skill as a friend. I hope you all realize all that pain I've gone through this year regarding unloyal people and I can't stand to see a trait like that in any of my friends.
I mean, I stood enough of it, right? I mean, all of the fights I had to go through with Chris... come to think of it, ever since Robin every guy I've cared about has been extreamly emotionally stressing. I mean, there's Robin for one... then all year with Eric, then a semester with Chris... I mean, I was up to my eyeballs worrying about everyone and putting myself aside. I'd stay up late talking to chris making sure he wouldn't kill himself, then I'd miss every class the next day because I had slept in... it wasn't healthy for me.
I am tired. I am... emotionally maxed out. I don't have energy to stand for another betrayal of any sort.
The truth is that in relationships I play the role of a mother.
I will care for your wounds, I will hold you and rock you and sing you to sleep if you can't.
Then, I get lied to and yelled at and walked on... and they could care less because... I play the role of a mother- someone who will always be there for them.
I can't do that anymore. Quite frankly, I'm sad that I can't... because I was brilliant at being that girl.
But now... my feelings feel as if... I need to walk over people. I need them to let me. I need them to respect me more. I need to not be as constant in their lives because they're far too comfortable with me.