(no subject)
So it finally comes down to these last few days, and boy I can tell you one thing for sure, I can tell you every single regret I have. I regret being so hung up on a guy that I completely excluded everyone else from my life. It's been these past few days that I've actually felt hott/pretty/sexy. I've always been told it, but I've always been so consumed with a stupid relationship, or just not giving a shit about my appearance, that once I gave it a shot, threw on some make up and gained some self-confidence, that the guys swarmed around me, and actually wanted to get to know me. But I still didn't have his attention...
I'm love sick. And I know I'll never be with him again... and it's been a month and I should just fucking move on but I can't. I can't. I want to so bad but everything reminds me of him. Maybe that's why I joined the air force. Or the fact that my mom is a psycho ass bitch, or the fact that college here sucks, or that this place is a black hole.
I went back to Miami for spring break in hopes that maybe I could pick up an unfinished story there. Nope... I sealed all those up once I moved to Titusville. And now I'm sealing my story here. It was never meant to be. I'm tired of clubbing, tired of getting wasted just to mask my contempt for the world.
Now that the days are winding down, and my shit is all packed up in boxes, it kind of feels like it did when i first left for Disney. But this time, I can't back out of this contract. 4 years of my life... let's see where this will take me. I have bright hopes and dreams for this decision of mine, but I'm still reminded of my past. Still reminded that I gave my heart away and never got it back.
And I doubt I'll get it back until I find someone who can surpass him. That guy I'm pretty sure exists, but finding him?
Man, I can't believe I'm actually writing this soppy ass bullshit. I'm listening to depressing music, packing up my shit and crying. Why? Because everything has a stupid ass memory attached to it. And as I put it in the box, mentally I scratch out that memory. Why? Because it's come to the point where my supposed "best friend" the only guy I've ever really wanted doesn't even bother to call, doesn't bother to hang out. I mean, jeez, it's not like I'm leaving next week for 4 years... oh yeah, that's right, I am. whoops, my bad.
It's just crazy. I didn't know what I was thinking when I wanted to sign up for the air force. I just wanted out. I wanted to see the world. I guess him saying to me, "I can't do this anymore, and I'm talking to some one else." then taking her out to the restaraunt with reservations that WE made... kind of influenced my decision... by a lot. But my impulsive streak got the best of me. I signed that contract without thinking and now I'm forced to face the consequences. Go figure that it would be a more positive consequence than negative...
it's just I fell again. I let these people get to me.I let them get underneath my skin and just ransack every emotion I have. I want to let them go, forget them all and move forward. But I can't help to look back. I hate stepping out of my comfort zone. And everything here is so familiar.
It's come to the point where I don't even know anyone anymore. Everyone's grown so distant, so consumed in their bachelor status or drug fixes that it's like we all just moved apart.
I'm getting everyone's address and phone numbers now, but I know I won't write them or call them. I'm just doing it to save face. Because honestly, how many people do you think will write back? I know my friends in Miami will. Maybe one person up here... makes me feel great on the inside to know that I have that true of friends.<--major sarcasm. Makes me feel like I've wasted my time here. Befriending people who won't even take a second to just listen to what you have to say. It's always, "Where's the party" "where's the drugs" "I don't know what I'm doing tonight(meaning, I don't want to hang out with you)" amongst other things.
Why do I surround myself with people who won't give me the time of day when there are so many other people out there throwing themselves at me just to be in my prescence? I've asked myself this question hundreds of thousands of times, and now I finally have an answer. Because the people who don't give me a time of day are a challenge. I never appreciate what I'm given, but if I work for something and earn it, it means that much more, you know what I mean?
it just hurts, that's all. to know that everything I've ever known basically was a lie. most of my friends that said they'd always be there... left me alone in my biggest moment of need.
and the tears won't stop until I get on that plane.
come tuesday, Elise will be M.I.A for a year until I get my hands back on my computer. a year changes people. a year means that the so called friends I have now, are absolutely nothing. everyone will forget me until I get some leave time and make a brief cameo, then poof, I'm forgotten again.
and that's how it will be from now on.
so peace and love
~e~