fools! i'm back
alrighty, finals are over, i'm waiting on english. miss christopher 'has a life', thus she cannot grade her finals on time.
here's the duo i'm hopefully performing this weekend at helix high school for speech and debate. enjoy. (ps: i'm fuchsia)
Stiffed by Bill Jones
DAN (Calling out) Hello?
pause - no response
DAN (Calling louder) Hello?... Anyone there? Can someone put a light on please?... Hello?
SFX: computer "twittering" noises. Lights quickly fade up to maximum, accompanied by SFX of strong arc-lights buzzing into action.
A voice, strong yet reassuring (slight reverb - like the voice of god), echoes over the tannoy system and addresses Dan on the trolley.
VOICE Ah! Dan, welcome. We have been waiting a long time to meet you. No doubt you have many questions, and in the fullness of time I feel confident that we can answer them all to your satisfaction; But for now lie back and relax. An attendant will be with you in a moment.
DAN ...Right... er... Have you got my clothes? I've only got this blanket thingy... Hello?
No response. Dan remains on the trolley and looks around in puzzlement. After a few moments an attendant FUCHSIA enters from left. She is dressed in a space-age style jump-suit, and wears a n
urses hat with the legend "Stiffs R us" emblazoned on it. She carries a sort of data-bank -cum -mobile phone. and refers to it frequently for facts and information. This is always prefaced by a burst of frenzied prodding of the calculator type keypad.
FUCHSIA Hello Dan. My name is Fuchsia, and I'm your personal assistant for the duration of the defrost and debrief. (consults data-bank). Now then Dan, I see that you're not wearing your own body. So please take a few moments to acclimatise yourself to your new somatic vehicle before you attempt to walk in it.
DAN Somatic what? Not wearing my own body?... What the hell are you talking about?
FUCHSIA Relax Dan, I will explain everything. It's perfectly normal to have some memory dysfunction following defrosting.
DAN Defrosting? What defrosting?
FUCHSIA Yes Dan you won't remember, but some one hundred and ninety-seven years ago you took out an insurance plan, which on your imminent death...
DAN Death?
FUCHSIA (continuing)... paid for you to be cryogenically preserved by the "First Cryo" organisation, (indicates her hat) since renamed "Stiffs R Us". I think it sounds a bit tacky myself, but there you go. That's spin doctors for you.
DAN What d'you mean "Cryo... thingy preserved"
FUCHSIA (Going into sales patter mode) Cryogenic preservation is a process whereby on the point of death, the subject is drained of blood, filled with an antifreeze agent. and frozen in liquid nitrogen. The subject then remains in this state until such time as technology can provide a cure for whatever caused their demise.
DAN My god!... And that's what happened to me?
FUCHSIA (consulting data-bank) Not quite... It seems you opted for our "Head Start" plan. That was a cheaper option which involved preserving only the head.
DAN (Horrified but trying to maintain control) Just a moment... Let me see if I'm reading this correctly... You're saying that I wasn't very well, and you chopped my head off?
FUCHSIA Well, in a nutshell, yes...
DAN I see... Excuse me... (looses it - screaming fit) AAaaahhh. help, help, let me out, The've chopped my head off... Help...
FUSCHIA slaps his face sharply - he regains his senses.
DAN Wha?... You - you chopped my head off.
FUCHSIA Oh don't be such a big baby.
DAN A big baby!... You chopped my bloody head off for Christ's sake!
FUCHSIA Yes but you've had a full body transplant...
DAN A full body transplant? My god this is Frankenstein stuff - You bastards!! you've been using me as a guinea pig
FUCHSIA Don't be such a wuss. Nobody has been using you as a guinea pig. It's very much routine stuff these days.
DAN Routine?...
FUCHSIA Yes... mind you, the donor was a bit shorter than you, so it might take a bit of getting used to. On the plus side though, he was rather well endowed in the old "Meat & two veg" department... (She winks at him)... if you know what I mean.
DAN (semi-stunned by this information) This... this isn't my body? ...Those feet aren't mine?... These hands belong to someone else?... (raises the blanket to inspect beneath) This... Bloody hell!
FUCHSIA Well, it's yours now.
Dan emerges from the blanket with an "stunned but impressed" expression on his face
DAN Here... what happened to the original owner then? I mean, this body looks perfect.
FUCHSIA (Consults data bank) Oh it is. Only his head was damaged. Very messy by all
accounts - it blew up.
DAN His head?
FUCHSIA Mmm yeah.
DAN How the hell did that happen?
FUCHSIA (Consulting data bank) It seems that he was trying to fix his oven. He was
fiddling with it, and accidentally turned it on while his head was inside it.
DAN That doesn't make your head explode!
FUCHSIA It does if it's a microwave oven love.
DAN Oh god!... poor sod.
FUCHSIA Mmm. Still, handy for you though eh?
DAN Yeah, I suppose it is. (Pause) This Cryo... wotsit thing I've had done to me, is it quite common now then?
FUCHSIA Good god no. It's old hat these days - little more than a cottage industry now. It was quite big in it's day - Y'know, before they could cure everything - but it's not needed these days. Hardly anyone dies anymore.
DAN You can cure anything?
FUCHSIA More or less. Of course there's always the odd one or two that we can't do anything with, like your body donor. They tend to be freak accidents mainly.
DAN Really?
FUCHSIA Mmm. That chap last year for example. He worked in a burger factory and fell into the mincer mechanism. D'you know, it ground his entire body into pulp and made him into burgers. Nobody even noticed him missing until the end of the shift, but by then it was too late. The burgers had already been shipped out to shops and restaurants.
DAN (Horrified) Oh my god... poor sod. what did you do?
FUCHSIA Well, I became a vegetarian - pretty sharpish!
DAN No, I mean what did you do for him?
FUCHSIA Well there's not a lot you could do is there? I mean, what's the point in freezing him for posterity? Whenever you defrost him you'll still end up with 140lbs of mince won't you? And this freezing lark isn't cheap y'know.
DAN No, I suppose not. (pause) Who actually pays for it all then? The National Health?
FUCHSIA (Laughing) The National Health? Dear me, you have been gone a long time haven't you love? No, the National Health Service was disbanded some one hundred and seventy years ago.
DAN So who's paying for me then?
FUCHSIA Don't worry love, it's all taken care of. You had insurance.
DAN Oh good. Well, that's a relief anyway. (Pause) So what happens now then? Have you got my clothes? I could get dressed couldn't I.
FUCHSIA I'm afraid you haven't got any clothes love.
DAN Haven't got any? I must have. I must have been dressed in something when I came in.
FUCHSIA Mmm, but they were all thrown away.
DAN Thrown away? What d'you mean thrown away? What did you do that for?
FUCHSIA Well they would have been no good to you. Apart from being nearly two hundred years out of date they were all female clothes.
DAN (Not grasping the situation) Female? What are you talking about? Why would I have come in female clothes.
FUCHSIA Well Dan, you see... Until you got that body - you were female.
DAN (Mild hysteria) No!... no. you're wrong... I couldn't have been female... I'm called Dan for Christ's sake!
FUCHSIA Well... Y'see... that's short for Danielle...
DAN (Beginning to achieve hysteria) Danielle!... Dani- bloody -elle? A woman?..
What in god's name are you lot playing at?... If I was a woman then what the hell have you stitched me onto a male body for you bunch of Divs?... I mean, didn't the trousers give you a clue?..
FUCHSIA Calm down Dan! Calm down. For god's sake get a grip on yourself!
DAN Get a grip?... It's all right for you isn't it? you haven't woken up to find yourself stitched to some bloke who can't fix microwave ovens have you?
FUCHSIA Things could be worse...
DAN Things could be worse?... Oh yeah!... I suppose I could have woken up stitched to a chimpanzee and have to spend the rest of my life advertising tea bags or something...
FUCHSIA Now look here, I know it's been a bit of shock for you but it's about time you realised that things just aren't that easy. Bodies don't just grow on trees y'know. Hardly anybody dies any more. You can't just pick and choose these days. It's a case of taking what you're given and being grateful. Remember, if it wasn't for that body, you'd still be just a head.
DAN (Beginning to calm down) I don't want you to think I'm not grateful or anything, it's just that... Well it's all been a bit of a shock... I'm not used to this... I've never had a new body before.
FUCHSIA That's better. Now try and look on the bright side. You've got a firm, fit body there that will last you for years. There's many a man would kill to have a body like yours.
DAN (lifting the blanket to take a look) Hmm... you're not wrong there.
FUCHSIA ...Remind me to give you my phone number.
DAN (Putting blanket down) Bloody hell... a new body!... Here, it will be ok won't it? I mean everything will work ok won't it.
FUCHSIA Oh everything will work alright... I wouldn't be giving you my phone number otherwise.
DAN (Relieved) Oh, good. Thank god for that.
FUCHSIA We didn't keep your clothes Dan, but you did have some personal effects with you when you came in - here they are.
FUCHSIA reaches underneath the trolly and pulls out an A4 sized envelope which she hands to DAN
DAN Th-Thanks
DAN empties the contents of the envelope on his lap.There is a purse, a birth certificate and a few photographs. He examines the birth certificate.
DAN A birth certificate - Look at that. Danielle Spigot. Bloody hell, I was a woman.
DAN picks up the photographs
DAN Who are these people? (He shows a photo to FUCHSIA)
FUCHSIA (looks at the photo then turns it over and reads the back) Oh, Its your family Dan
DAN My family?
FUCHSIA (Still reading) Its your husband, your two sisters and your three children (pause) It was taken when they knew you would be coming here for..
DAN (Takes the photo and looks at it) (pause) My... my children...
FUCHSIA looks to the ground
DAN I... I've got family? Where are they Fuchsia?
FUCHSIA Oh Dan. (pause) That was two hundred years ago
DAN What are you saying Fuchsia
FUCHSIA Dan... Dan, I'm afraid they're all long since passed away.
DAN Gone?... They're all gone (he looks at the photo and slowly drops his head)
here's the duo i'm hopefully performing this weekend at helix high school for speech and debate. enjoy. (ps: i'm fuchsia)
Stiffed by Bill Jones
DAN (Calling out) Hello?
pause - no response
DAN (Calling louder) Hello?... Anyone there? Can someone put a light on please?... Hello?
SFX: computer "twittering" noises. Lights quickly fade up to maximum, accompanied by SFX of strong arc-lights buzzing into action.
A voice, strong yet reassuring (slight reverb - like the voice of god), echoes over the tannoy system and addresses Dan on the trolley.
VOICE Ah! Dan, welcome. We have been waiting a long time to meet you. No doubt you have many questions, and in the fullness of time I feel confident that we can answer them all to your satisfaction; But for now lie back and relax. An attendant will be with you in a moment.
DAN ...Right... er... Have you got my clothes? I've only got this blanket thingy... Hello?
No response. Dan remains on the trolley and looks around in puzzlement. After a few moments an attendant FUCHSIA enters from left. She is dressed in a space-age style jump-suit, and wears a n
urses hat with the legend "Stiffs R us" emblazoned on it. She carries a sort of data-bank -cum -mobile phone. and refers to it frequently for facts and information. This is always prefaced by a burst of frenzied prodding of the calculator type keypad.
FUCHSIA Hello Dan. My name is Fuchsia, and I'm your personal assistant for the duration of the defrost and debrief. (consults data-bank). Now then Dan, I see that you're not wearing your own body. So please take a few moments to acclimatise yourself to your new somatic vehicle before you attempt to walk in it.
DAN Somatic what? Not wearing my own body?... What the hell are you talking about?
FUCHSIA Relax Dan, I will explain everything. It's perfectly normal to have some memory dysfunction following defrosting.
DAN Defrosting? What defrosting?
FUCHSIA Yes Dan you won't remember, but some one hundred and ninety-seven years ago you took out an insurance plan, which on your imminent death...
DAN Death?
FUCHSIA (continuing)... paid for you to be cryogenically preserved by the "First Cryo" organisation, (indicates her hat) since renamed "Stiffs R Us". I think it sounds a bit tacky myself, but there you go. That's spin doctors for you.
DAN What d'you mean "Cryo... thingy preserved"
FUCHSIA (Going into sales patter mode) Cryogenic preservation is a process whereby on the point of death, the subject is drained of blood, filled with an antifreeze agent. and frozen in liquid nitrogen. The subject then remains in this state until such time as technology can provide a cure for whatever caused their demise.
DAN My god!... And that's what happened to me?
FUCHSIA (consulting data-bank) Not quite... It seems you opted for our "Head Start" plan. That was a cheaper option which involved preserving only the head.
DAN (Horrified but trying to maintain control) Just a moment... Let me see if I'm reading this correctly... You're saying that I wasn't very well, and you chopped my head off?
FUCHSIA Well, in a nutshell, yes...
DAN I see... Excuse me... (looses it - screaming fit) AAaaahhh. help, help, let me out, The've chopped my head off... Help...
FUSCHIA slaps his face sharply - he regains his senses.
DAN Wha?... You - you chopped my head off.
FUCHSIA Oh don't be such a big baby.
DAN A big baby!... You chopped my bloody head off for Christ's sake!
FUCHSIA Yes but you've had a full body transplant...
DAN A full body transplant? My god this is Frankenstein stuff - You bastards!! you've been using me as a guinea pig
FUCHSIA Don't be such a wuss. Nobody has been using you as a guinea pig. It's very much routine stuff these days.
DAN Routine?...
FUCHSIA Yes... mind you, the donor was a bit shorter than you, so it might take a bit of getting used to. On the plus side though, he was rather well endowed in the old "Meat & two veg" department... (She winks at him)... if you know what I mean.
DAN (semi-stunned by this information) This... this isn't my body? ...Those feet aren't mine?... These hands belong to someone else?... (raises the blanket to inspect beneath) This... Bloody hell!
FUCHSIA Well, it's yours now.
Dan emerges from the blanket with an "stunned but impressed" expression on his face
DAN Here... what happened to the original owner then? I mean, this body looks perfect.
FUCHSIA (Consults data bank) Oh it is. Only his head was damaged. Very messy by all
accounts - it blew up.
DAN His head?
FUCHSIA Mmm yeah.
DAN How the hell did that happen?
FUCHSIA (Consulting data bank) It seems that he was trying to fix his oven. He was
fiddling with it, and accidentally turned it on while his head was inside it.
DAN That doesn't make your head explode!
FUCHSIA It does if it's a microwave oven love.
DAN Oh god!... poor sod.
FUCHSIA Mmm. Still, handy for you though eh?
DAN Yeah, I suppose it is. (Pause) This Cryo... wotsit thing I've had done to me, is it quite common now then?
FUCHSIA Good god no. It's old hat these days - little more than a cottage industry now. It was quite big in it's day - Y'know, before they could cure everything - but it's not needed these days. Hardly anyone dies anymore.
DAN You can cure anything?
FUCHSIA More or less. Of course there's always the odd one or two that we can't do anything with, like your body donor. They tend to be freak accidents mainly.
DAN Really?
FUCHSIA Mmm. That chap last year for example. He worked in a burger factory and fell into the mincer mechanism. D'you know, it ground his entire body into pulp and made him into burgers. Nobody even noticed him missing until the end of the shift, but by then it was too late. The burgers had already been shipped out to shops and restaurants.
DAN (Horrified) Oh my god... poor sod. what did you do?
FUCHSIA Well, I became a vegetarian - pretty sharpish!
DAN No, I mean what did you do for him?
FUCHSIA Well there's not a lot you could do is there? I mean, what's the point in freezing him for posterity? Whenever you defrost him you'll still end up with 140lbs of mince won't you? And this freezing lark isn't cheap y'know.
DAN No, I suppose not. (pause) Who actually pays for it all then? The National Health?
FUCHSIA (Laughing) The National Health? Dear me, you have been gone a long time haven't you love? No, the National Health Service was disbanded some one hundred and seventy years ago.
DAN So who's paying for me then?
FUCHSIA Don't worry love, it's all taken care of. You had insurance.
DAN Oh good. Well, that's a relief anyway. (Pause) So what happens now then? Have you got my clothes? I could get dressed couldn't I.
FUCHSIA I'm afraid you haven't got any clothes love.
DAN Haven't got any? I must have. I must have been dressed in something when I came in.
FUCHSIA Mmm, but they were all thrown away.
DAN Thrown away? What d'you mean thrown away? What did you do that for?
FUCHSIA Well they would have been no good to you. Apart from being nearly two hundred years out of date they were all female clothes.
DAN (Not grasping the situation) Female? What are you talking about? Why would I have come in female clothes.
FUCHSIA Well Dan, you see... Until you got that body - you were female.
DAN (Mild hysteria) No!... no. you're wrong... I couldn't have been female... I'm called Dan for Christ's sake!
FUCHSIA Well... Y'see... that's short for Danielle...
DAN (Beginning to achieve hysteria) Danielle!... Dani- bloody -elle? A woman?..
What in god's name are you lot playing at?... If I was a woman then what the hell have you stitched me onto a male body for you bunch of Divs?... I mean, didn't the trousers give you a clue?..
FUCHSIA Calm down Dan! Calm down. For god's sake get a grip on yourself!
DAN Get a grip?... It's all right for you isn't it? you haven't woken up to find yourself stitched to some bloke who can't fix microwave ovens have you?
FUCHSIA Things could be worse...
DAN Things could be worse?... Oh yeah!... I suppose I could have woken up stitched to a chimpanzee and have to spend the rest of my life advertising tea bags or something...
FUCHSIA Now look here, I know it's been a bit of shock for you but it's about time you realised that things just aren't that easy. Bodies don't just grow on trees y'know. Hardly anybody dies any more. You can't just pick and choose these days. It's a case of taking what you're given and being grateful. Remember, if it wasn't for that body, you'd still be just a head.
DAN (Beginning to calm down) I don't want you to think I'm not grateful or anything, it's just that... Well it's all been a bit of a shock... I'm not used to this... I've never had a new body before.
FUCHSIA That's better. Now try and look on the bright side. You've got a firm, fit body there that will last you for years. There's many a man would kill to have a body like yours.
DAN (lifting the blanket to take a look) Hmm... you're not wrong there.
FUCHSIA ...Remind me to give you my phone number.
DAN (Putting blanket down) Bloody hell... a new body!... Here, it will be ok won't it? I mean everything will work ok won't it.
FUCHSIA Oh everything will work alright... I wouldn't be giving you my phone number otherwise.
DAN (Relieved) Oh, good. Thank god for that.
FUCHSIA We didn't keep your clothes Dan, but you did have some personal effects with you when you came in - here they are.
FUCHSIA reaches underneath the trolly and pulls out an A4 sized envelope which she hands to DAN
DAN Th-Thanks
DAN empties the contents of the envelope on his lap.There is a purse, a birth certificate and a few photographs. He examines the birth certificate.
DAN A birth certificate - Look at that. Danielle Spigot. Bloody hell, I was a woman.
DAN picks up the photographs
DAN Who are these people? (He shows a photo to FUCHSIA)
FUCHSIA (looks at the photo then turns it over and reads the back) Oh, Its your family Dan
DAN My family?
FUCHSIA (Still reading) Its your husband, your two sisters and your three children (pause) It was taken when they knew you would be coming here for..
DAN (Takes the photo and looks at it) (pause) My... my children...
FUCHSIA looks to the ground
DAN I... I've got family? Where are they Fuchsia?
FUCHSIA Oh Dan. (pause) That was two hundred years ago
DAN What are you saying Fuchsia
FUCHSIA Dan... Dan, I'm afraid they're all long since passed away.
DAN Gone?... They're all gone (he looks at the photo and slowly drops his head)