Everyone comes down on me when I struggle with my own defense
I was doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do, falling back into that old pattern with him. I couldn't help it, whenever Angel got hurt logic just flew straight out the window. Okay, whenever Angel did anything my logic tended to be entirely too absent. The only way I'd ever solved that problem was when we were apart from eachother, when I didn't
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Oh, right. My 'life' back in Rome that I was chomping at the bit to get back to. Except the chomping part. I wasn't all that anxious to get back to Rome. Don't get me wrong, I missed Dawn and Xander and Giles and Will, but things were different now then they'd ever been before. Dawn was loving boarding school and I hardly ever even saw her anymore. Xander was busy recruiting new slayers in Africa, Willow and Kennedy were in Brazil together, Giles was busy training new slayers and these days it seemed like my only constant companion was Andrew. Andrew and I working together. Count the number of ways that could possibly go wrong.
Now I couldn't read him at all. Would he just say that to make me feel better despite the fact that I'd told him I wanted to be at his side for the big fight. I had the feeling that the big fight was far from over, only the first battle was complete. Would he try and get rid of me now? All of that noble self-sacrifice and for what? The two of us to end up in the exact same place that we always did.
"Well..." I finally said after a long drawn-out pause. "I guess if you don't need me here anymore I can go back to Rome." My words were intentionally cool, and I couldn't help internally kicking myself over it.
I was desperate. Desperate to prove that I wasn't that self-serving schoolgirl anymore. Desperate to grapple onto his skin and refuse to ever leave.
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"Buffy, I'll always need you Buffy. I may not need you to feed me or watch over me while I heal but I do need you. I thought I made that clear in Rome."
I sighed, not giving much thought to the action; I never did anymore, give much thought to the actions that I'd forced into myself, habits formed to make those around me more comfortable. Maybe even to make myself more comfortable.
Are we ever going to be able to get past this, this thick tangable thing between us that has it's heart set on making us miserable. I'd really like to know.
I took a long gulp of my blood; just now realizing I'd had blood in front of her, which I'd never been all that comfortable with before. I'd gotten used to people not caring, with Cordelia, Wesley, Fred and Gunn it had just become second nature. Not worrying about trivial things like feeding. I wondered if she was bothered, but quickly put the thought out of my mind. It wasn't time for thoughts like that; I just hoped there would be time for things like that later.
I sat the mug down and leaned back against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest.
"It's ... Back in Sunnydale you said you needed time; to bake. And then your with the immortal, which I ... Nevermind. I just don't want to push, or pull or ..."
Dammit, this was suppose to get easy. Once you started talking the words were just suppose to come. Or maybe that was just how it played in my head; during one hallucination or another, depending on the time your refering to.
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The problem was? I wasn't sure how to do that anymore. I'd spent so long being the chosen one, chosen to make all the hardest decisions and sacrifices and now I was terrified that I couldn't just live like a normal person anymore. I was pretty sure normal people didn't fall in love with vampires. That was pretty much a Buffy only thing.
"You did?" I asked automatically when he mentioned Rome. I didn't remember any mention of needing me, even though I could feel it in the desperation of that kiss. Of course, I'd assumed that was because he thought he was heading off to certain death back in L.A. Still, I always knew, and he always knew too. "I mean, you did." He needed me, but that still didn't help the whole doomed thing the two of us had going on. Apparently the days of dreaming of him becoming human again were long over, now I was just ready to accept the facts, and gloomy didn't even begin to describe them.
My expression immediately soured when he mentioned the stupid cookie dough analogy. Why had I thought I needed to finish baking so someone could enjoy warm delicious cookie me? The thought had occured to me that I was never going to be finished baking. I was forever evolving, changing, and I didn't think it would ever stop. It was just the way world worked, shaping you to it's experience forcing you to grow up. And on top of the cookie dough thing, he just had to bring up Jack too. The Immortal, whatever. Rolling my eyes I stood up and tossed the empty yogurt container into the garbage can before rinsing the spoon off and opening the dishwasher. I could still feel his steady gaze on my back as I put the spoon where it belonged and closed the washer again before slowly turning around to face him. Crossing my arms over my chest I leaned against the counter and tipped my chin slightly downwards.
It was a stupid analogy, so sue me!
"I don't know." I admitted quietly before shrugging slightly and raising my eyes to meet his gaze. "Maybe I'll never be done baking. I'll always be half-baked Buffy." Maybe I should have worded that differently.
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She phrased it like a question. Was I suppose to answer? I wasn't sure with her. You never knew exactly if she was asking you or telling you, and then she amended it. I had made it clear hadn't I? It all seemed a little but like a blur, seeing her did little things like that to me, made the lines blur cerimoniously. It wasn't like that was every going to change.
Yet as blurry as the world was, one thing was crystal clear to me. I needed her and I wasn't going to let her go that easily. We'd find a way to get around my stupid clause, I'd find a way.
She wasn't too happy I'd mentioned the immortal, that was evident enough on her face, but please. You have to give me a break; finding out the one woman I'd loved without falt in my entire 250+ year existance had been with not only Spike (which I tried not to think about at all) but the immortal who'd made a fool out of me as Angelus and being less than pleasent to me once I'd gotten my soul back (which I'd yet to tell anyone about), wasn't exactly something I was going to just let go.
I raised my brow at her comment and appraised the situation. Me leaning against the counter arms folded over, her across from me mimicking my stance.
No officer we're not closed off people, we haven't hurt each other more times than either of us can count, we're just ... making bad internal jokes.
"You mean that as you'll never be ready for," I couldn't come up with the right words to finish that thought.
"Or that you'll be changing for the rest of your life and can't ever really be ... baked, ok. Analogy aside - I'm confused here Buffy. Because if time is what you need I've got that in spades. I just need you to tell me what you want."
I know I sounded difficult, me being difficult, but I really just needed to know.
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"You know when Willow did that spell? The one that made every girl who might be a slayer into a slayer, everyone kept asking me what I wanted. Maybe a trip to Disneyland and a puppy? I finally got to be this normal girl, I finally...get to do whatever it is that I want to do." I wasn't exactly sure where I was going with this little speech but I'd gotten so used to making speeches in the last year or so it was like I couldn't even help myself. Who needed focus when you could just open your mouth, wing it and hope for the best? Not exactly a winning battle plan but I was the slayer not a politician.
After a minute I tilted my chin up and met his gaze again only to notice how confused he looked. Right, time to focus on...what was I focusing on? Taking a deep breath I had to pull my eyes away from his because looking at him? Never really did help me with focusing on anything except how badly I wanted to make him mine again. Just the way he should be, the way we should be.
"Except I can't." I finally admitted, studying the linoleum had never been so fascinating. Well, okay the decore in here sucked but the floor was hardly the point, now was it? Tilting my chin up again I finally met his eyes. "What I want is you, I've always wanted you. Except even now? Even when I get to play normal girl for a little while? I still can't have the one thing I want. So...." I shrugged a little bit, already feeling the pain of what was to come. I was going to have to leave and go back to Rome, before something happened that shouldn't. He'd left me for a reason and the older I got the more I appreciated the reason despite how much I hated it. It wasn't just about us, it was about the rest of the world too. "I guess I should go back to Rome."
I didn't want to, and I hoped it was as plain to see as it was to feel. I'd like nothing more than to wrap myself up in him and never ever leave. But things were never that easy.
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Then she started talking and I could hear it in her voice. Whatever 'it' was I wasn't entirely sure, but I could feel it, like it's a tangible thing. So I listened.
She'd gotten this life, she could do whatever she wanted with it and she'd gone to Rome and ended up with the immortal. Dammit, I just need to listen here, no thinking past what she's saying, just listen.
And then she said it. She wanted me? Why was that such a bad thing? Why did she think she couldn't have what she wanted. I was here wasn't I? I'd come to her in Rome. And, then it hit me.
It was all the same reasons I'd left her. Maybe she wasn't really thinking about the life she could have, having a man to take her into the sunlight. Maybe she didn't care about those things, but there was always that one thing between us.
My Curse.
It would never have been an issue between Cordelia and myself; which is hard to admit. It was obviously never about the sex, but that wasn't new to me. I hadn't lost my soul with Darla, hadn't with Eve (not that I liked to think about that). It was always about Buffy, the acceptance she offered me.
Perfect happiness.
"Buffy ..."
And then she said she should go back to Rome and my mind slammed shut. I was not going to let her go that easily. I'd be damned if I repeated the same mistakes again. My mind spirialed out into a chaotic stream. I'd find a way around the curse. Was perfect happiness even an option for me now? My family was dead, everyone of them besides Connor who wasn't ready to fully acknowledge me as his father.
Then it hit me. Maybe the curse isn't even an issue anymore. The moment Connor was born my soul didn't soar away into the aether. For that matter I kept it when I found out she was alive and those, besides the first time we made love; were the single happiest moments of my life. It was just a thought, one I'd have to think on more, possibly get checked out.
"I'm not letting you go. I'm ultimately a selfish man Buffy and I need you. I want you in my life and I'm not going to make the mistake of letting you go again. I'll figure out a way to get around the curse. I know that's not the only thing standing between us, but its the deal breaker."
I took a step forward but didn't touch her.
"So we work through our issues and I'll find out a way to bind my soul, if it's not already been done somehow. I promise you that. The question is are you ready for that? Because what I'm talking about here isn't being friends, it isn't casual, it never has been with us and it never will be."
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Casual? Okay, so maybe over the years I hadn't made the best decisions when it came to my relationships re: Spike, but what Angel and I never had was casual. Great, here I was pouring my heart out to him and he was basically calling me a slut. Alright so maybe that wasn't really what he meant by that but I couldn't help but get just a little bit defensive when he worded it that way. God, see? This was the problem with the two of us. How could we work out our issues if we were constantly misinterpreting eachother. We put the dysfunction back into...communication. And I better have misinterpreted that whole slut thing!
He does this now? Now when I'd finally gotten to the point in my life where thoughts of Angel didn't consume every single waking moment that I had. Yeah, fine. I moved on. Well, as much as you could move on from the big love of your life telling you that the two of you could never ever be together. What changed his mind so much? Was it because he almost died when whatever it was that happened...happened? I'd died and I remembered exactly how much it could turn your world upside down. I couldn't even count the numbers of times I'd almost died.
"We'll never be friends." I unconsciously repeated Spike's words wondering if Angel would remember them. And now I was old enough and smart enough to know that Spike had been right that night. We'd never be friends, we'd do...whatever it was that we did until it killed us both.
I wanted to bristle back when he stepped towards me, but I couldn't and didn't. Instead I found myself taking a step towards him without really thinking about it. One step back, two steps forward and into his arms. That was how things always worked between the two of us. I could still remember that searing kiss back in Sunnydale when I'd killed Caleb. Even then I'd for all intents and purposes been with Spike, but seeing Angel always turned my head all the way around and back again.
Swallowing hard I looked up into his face again and gave him a serious look despite the urge to smile that was overtaking me.
"I'm ready for it, I'm just surprised that you finally are." I admitted and the next thing I knew I was being swept in his arms, my lips firmly pressed to his. I guessed that was all the answer he needed from me. Frankly, it worked just fine for me, I'd gotten too close after all.
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I watched her closely, her mind spinning, I could practically see the wheels turning, consideration and then she looked up at me.
I barely registered anything past "I'm ready" before she was in my arms and I was kissing her. It felt like I hadn't kissed her in an eternity, when it'd had only been weeks. It felt right and filling and home. She'd always felt like home, her presense had grounded me for so long and then I'd gone without for even longer and it had been bordering on painful.
She melted against me, lips parting and tounges meeting, dueling for possession which neither of us was willing to reliquish. I held her close, I wasn't going to let her go if I could help it, but I realized her need to breathe.
Hesitantly I pulled back and pressed my forhead against hers.
"I was ready 8 years ago Buffy; I was just a bit more admerable back then. Now though? Like I said, I'm selfish that's pretty much it."
I ran my hands down her arms, not touching her was not an option, I couldn't take it further, at least not yet, or at least not for me. Her pleasure was something else entirely, but we'd get to that. Right now I just needed to be close to her, know her, feel her here with me.
"All the old reasons are still there Buffy, I want you to have the life you deserve, sunlight, kids. But I also want you, and you can make your own decisions, your an adult and if you want to be with me then who am I to argue?"
I gave her a smile, "Cause there isn't anything I want more than to be with you, never has been and never will be."
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And could I just say finally! Finally someone was actually trusting me to make my own decisions instead of telling me what was best for me. I was the only one who could decide what was best for me, and granted there were times in the past where I didn't have the best judgement ever but those choices were still mine. No one else could make them for me. Not even Angel, much as I loved him. Maybe all this time away from eachother was good...in a way. It let us both grow into our own people....er person and vampire.
"I tried to do the Joe Normal thing." I explained and maybe this wasn't the best time ever to bring up Riley but if we were really going to try this then he was just going to have to learn to deal with the fact that he left me. He left me and I moved on, just like he wanted me to. Even if I didn't really move on. I hardly considered having sex with Spike to feel as moving on. "But it just wasn't for me."
Idly I wondered if maybe Spike had been right about me. No matter how much I tried to be a normal person, tried to smile in the sunlight I'd always end up back in the darkness. I knew at the time he was just trying to get under my skin, but I also knew that there was some grain of truth in his words. How come it was always Spike who cut right to the quick with the truth? I knew I was going to have to face up to that truth sooner or later and let's just say I definitely wasn't looking forward to it.
"I guess....the next question is 'what's next?'" I asked him the hint of a smile at my eyes because this really was happening. I kept expecting to wake up from this dream any minute now. Because I'd accepted a long time ago that Angel and I could never be together.
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I didn't like thinking about Riley and that he touched her, in fact if I'd had my way I would have torn him to pieces for daring to touch her, but I'd left her. Same with Spike, why hadn't I torn Spike to pieces again? I couldn't really remember.
"Good, because I'm never going to be Joe Normal," I idly wondered if I should tell her about Shanshu and that I'd signed it away. I would have to, I knew that, if this was going to work I'd have to be completely honest with her about everything; well almost everything. But now wasn't the time.
She gave me a slight smile and asked what was next. I wasn't really sure to be honest. What did we do? Who did I go see about my curse, the binding of my soul? How did we bide our time till we found out? Without unleashing Angelus.
It occured to me that I should talk to Spike, tell him that if something happened and we lost control he'd have to kill me. Which I knew he'd be giddy over, the thought should have pissed me off, but it actually comforted me.
I looked down at her shining eyes and smiled, "Well I'll have to talk to some of my left over contacts from wolfram and hart. Find a shaman and see about the status of my soul being bound."
I leaned down keeping my lips just above hers, "Until then, I'm sure I can come up with something to keep you from changing your mind."
I closed the short amount of space between our lips and lightly kissed her, this was going to be the ultimate test of my control. Buffy wasn't the innocent girl I remembered, she was a woman, she knew what she wanted, what she liked and undoubtly she knew exactly how to drive me insane if she wanted to.
I depended the kiss slightly, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her to me. I was already hard from just the thought of all the things I wanted to do to her, but I had to keep myself focused.
I pulled back slightly and searched her eyes.
"Unless of course you'd rather have tea and crackers."
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I still knew this was hard for him, exerting so much control when I was right here and I knew he could smell my growing arousal. I wasn't ashamed of what I was anymore, and that was a woman with needs that wanted to be...fulfilled and stuff. But I wanted him to know that wasn't all that there was. I wouldn't change my mind.
"Are you crazy?" I asked him when he finally pulled away enough for me to catch my breath. "It doesn't matter, Angel. Curse or no curse- I know I said that sex wasn't everything once upon a time and now I know a little better. Sex is something, but it's still not everything. I love you, and I don't think I'll ever stop. My mind? Not changing." I grinned at him and kissed him again quickly just to drive the message home a little more.
Then he just had to make the crack about tea and cracker, which only made me grin up at him again.
"I already had a yogurt." I said as if that explained everything before I pushed my lips to his again.
I wondered if I should pull away, if I should stop letting him deepen the kiss, stop letting him press me into the kitchen cabinet. Because it had to be hard for him, always having to be in control when I could feel how much he wanted me. I wanted him so very badly.
"Angel," I finally said a little breathlessly, pulling my mouth away from his. "Are you sure this is such a good idea?" He shot me a horrified look and I realized that I should have been more clear. "I mean, doing this...right now, before you can look into the soul thing."
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I knew it wasn't about sex; it had never been about sex for me either. The curse hadn't been about sex, and my leaving hadn't been about sex. Of course it was nice to know that she realized sex was an issue, even if I didn't like to be reminded of her sex life after me.
She was trying to make this easier for me, but her protests were just driving me on. Maybe I believed what she was saying, maybe I was still really hungry and not for blood. Maybe I was crazy to tempt fate, but the last only thing I could think about was her smell, her body.
I could keep my control; as long as she didn't try to test it, I knew I could keep it.
She protested again, asking if this was a good idea and I stopped and looked at her. Now she was asking if this was a good idea. She amended it, the curse. That fucking curse was going to end me.
I took a step away from her, placing my hands on her shoulders and looking directly in her eyes.
"I have a great deal of control Buffy, you do tend to test it just by being near," I licked my lips and couldn't stop my eyes from raking over her body.
"There is pleanty that we can do, that I can do to you that wouldn't threaten the curse and believe me you wouldn't be the only one enjoying it."
I ran my hands over her shoulders, slowly down her arms.
"I thirst have a never ending thirst for you Buffy, in every way possible; it used to terrify me. It terrified me enough to run away from you but not now. Never again."
My hands left her arms and moved to her hips pulling her close so that our bodys met, I pressed against her.
"Now, If you can stand to not be the vixen I know you are and keep yourself from driving me completely insane I think I can keep myself in line. But only if you are comfortable with it."
I placed a hand between us, carefully cupping her heat, pressing the hem of her jeans against her.
I leaned down into her neck, knowing that I shouldn't be using this method of convincing her of anything, seduction however had its merits.
"Because honestly Buffy, I'm still hungry and definately not for blood."
I rubbed her heat through her jeans one last time before removing my hand and placing it on the safety of her hip; but my eyes never left hers.
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Because even though Angel and I had done....lots of things before, there was so much afterwards. Spike and Riley and Parker The Immortal. And as much as he hated thinking about them (not that I blamed him) They had helped create the me that I was now. Cookie me.
Fuck the cookie dough analogy.
His lips were on my throat and I leaned my head unconsciously to the side, my eyelids fluttering slightly at the contact. His voice low in my ear talking about how much he always wanted me. I knew how much he did, because I wanted him just as badly. I'd just have to keep myself in check until we could look into the soul thing. Keeping myself in check had never been so hard, because now...I had other things, feelings, experiences, whatever you wanted to call them.
"I'm comfy." I said quickly when he pulled away just a little to see the look on my face. "Very, in fact."
A slow grin spread over my mouth as I connected it to his again, his hand driving me further up against the counter until I finally felt my ass slide up and onto the surface of the counter. Instantly my legs wrapped up and around his waist, drawing him powerfully closer to me my mouth still colliding with his.
The only problem was- I didn't know what to do. I mean, what would make the soul go away? Everything was a risk and I spent so long telling myself that I couldn't have this ever, I felt almost...guilty for sort of having it. I didn't think I was going to be able to really do this until we had the soul situation under control.
Maybe there'd be a lot of cold showers in store for me in the future but that was okay, because this time? We were going to figure it out together. No leaving. Not anymore.
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