your chance to even up the score
I ended up going back down to Mason yesterday to get some of the things I'd left in my old apartment. I had prepared myself for the worst, but it felt so completely normal, and wasn't a big deal at all. Yeah, I had my moments (like when I was making myself a sandwhich, and I kinda looked up, and all I could think was "Where's my boyfriend?" because I'd almost expected him to be standing on the other side of the counter, and it wasn't until I looked around and saw that my things weren't there anymore that I remembered), but overall, it was a nice visit. The best part was that I fit back in so well with my roommates, and didn't feel like the odd man out. I guess the only persistantly weird thing was the way the new girl had re-decorated my old room, and I kept looking through the doorway at it, and it never stopped bugging me that my stuff wasn't there.
Before I left, I walked around campus a bit, and ran through the fountain outside the JC like I always said I wanted to do before I left. Some random guy saw me, made a comment about it, and we ended up just having a random conversation for awhile. He was nice. After that, I ran into that random guy I went on the date with one time last spring. We talked for a bit. I didn't go into any buildings, just did a loop around the places where I'd spent most of my time. By the end of it, I kinda felt relieved, like this place didn't own me anymore. It had been so much like a cage for the longest time, and it's really good to think of it as just another place I've been, and that it doesn't have to hurt me anymore. I win!
Anydangway, I think I'm pulling through what was another cycle of bad days. I talked to my psychiatrist about the meds, and I said that while I didn't feel like my mood had improved all that much, I've started enjoying things again and I do have some good days... so he said that he would keep my meds the same for another month, but if I don't improve anymore by the next time I see him, I have to up the dosage again. Too bad they can't make a pill to cure a brokenheart; it's so weird how I still have all of these feelings for him, but there's nothing that I can do. And the thought of moving on is something that I absolutely cannot deal with. Working on it in therepy, as always.
It kinda sucks that growing as a person is this painful of a process.
Before I left, I walked around campus a bit, and ran through the fountain outside the JC like I always said I wanted to do before I left. Some random guy saw me, made a comment about it, and we ended up just having a random conversation for awhile. He was nice. After that, I ran into that random guy I went on the date with one time last spring. We talked for a bit. I didn't go into any buildings, just did a loop around the places where I'd spent most of my time. By the end of it, I kinda felt relieved, like this place didn't own me anymore. It had been so much like a cage for the longest time, and it's really good to think of it as just another place I've been, and that it doesn't have to hurt me anymore. I win!
Anydangway, I think I'm pulling through what was another cycle of bad days. I talked to my psychiatrist about the meds, and I said that while I didn't feel like my mood had improved all that much, I've started enjoying things again and I do have some good days... so he said that he would keep my meds the same for another month, but if I don't improve anymore by the next time I see him, I have to up the dosage again. Too bad they can't make a pill to cure a brokenheart; it's so weird how I still have all of these feelings for him, but there's nothing that I can do. And the thought of moving on is something that I absolutely cannot deal with. Working on it in therepy, as always.
It kinda sucks that growing as a person is this painful of a process.