My Mother's Dress and Other Lost Things
I spent part of Thanksgiving Evening going through closets and boxes in my dad's house. I was searching for a box, or maybe boxes of clothes that I'm sure had to be in the house.. More specifically I was looking for a dress of my mother's.
Most of you know (but maybe some of you don't) that when I was thirteen my mother passed away from "Complications from Surgery". That tells me as much today as it did when I was young but I think really I'm Okay with that.
Years prior to that she had bought a dress to wear to her class reunion. It was sort of a retro 50's style. Black with BIG white polka dots on it. It had a shiny white belt. Sleeveless with wide straps and I seem to recall it actually had some crinoline type stuff so the skirt stood out. It was "fun". She adored it. It would fit right in at "swing night".
Recently I became aware that I am currently roughly her size. Her clothes would fit me. I can't really explain how this was a weird moment exactly... it just was. Women who've lost their mother have a difficulty seeing themselves as "adults" I guess in one sense or another... or so I've read somewhere. Maybe that's the issue.
Over the summer Josh and I had a wedding to go to and I decided this would've been a fun dress to wear. I could have SWORN I kept this item.
When we had cleaned out my mother's closet I went through and selected items that I wanted to keep vs ones that were given to my mother's friends, other family members, or charity. There are a few items I'm relatively certain I kept and I was certain this was among them. A quick search of the house turned up nothing over the summer.
This weekend when I was home I tried again. I searched boxes marked "Keepsake Clothes" in the basement. Rechecked the entry way closet. My dad even went through his closet. We found a box of pins that were hers including one that said "I'm Groovy" and a Jimmy Carter Pin that changed from his picture to "Vote Carter" depending on the way you looked at it.
We came across a pair of plaid pants my dad kept in case he won his friends "Polish Open Golf Tournament" - they're as bad as they sound but they match the "winners jacket" for this tongue in cheek outing.
We found the boxes of paperwork my dad had to go through shortly after she died and we found one box of wool items that were hers, packed with moth crystals.
I looked through the sweaters, etc and didn't find the dress, or any of the other things I was sure would be there... like the long skirt with a family of ducks on the edge. (It's more tasteful than it sounds).
I've since began wondering if my change in age didn't change my memories of what should be there. The items we found were fluffy sweaters, and comfy sweatshirts. Maybe a girl who's thirteen needs different things from that box than a woman who's 27. It's possible that I didn't keep that dress after all.
It's possible that it got lost in the shuffle of the last 14 years or accidently donated later.. or that it's hanging up at the lake.. although I'm sure I only thought of that because that's where she wore it..
I'm not sure which drives me more nuts. The items I seem to have lost or the items I know I didn't keep. There are things I gave away that seemed too "old" that now would suit me just fine.. but no it's the things I've lost. That dress. I KNOW I kept it.. Her teddy bear which I'm sure was in her closet at school.
There's a philosophy that says life will continue to throw a challenge at you until you master it. I think my challenge for this lifetime must be loss or letting go. People, Places or Things... I have the worst time dealing with things I've lost or become disconnected to. Want to see me lose my temper? It's pretty rare and one of the very few short fuses I have that's irrational? If I lose something.
I've been trying not be too upset about the dress. It's a THING and what gives it meaning is memory - which is portable. I guess I'm upset that I don't get to put it on and see if it fits or if it's all wrong for me. Or.. .. something..
At thirteen you don't really know your parents as people. You know them as parents and that isn't the same thing.
I eventually gave up my search that day. We managed to get everything packed back up. It just wasn't a finding stuff kind of day.
I even tried to find something else for a while - an old 60's baby blue metal safety razor handle she had - because I'm sick of paying a ton for crap gillette blades when josh pays 2 bucks for a pack of high quality safety blades. It would've been lighter than the models available now. Nope. It vanished too.. and both my dad and I have seen it in the last 5 yrs. We KNOW it's there somewhere. The Stuff Goblin* is a tricky fellow to deal with.
[* The Stuff Goblin for those who don't know (how can you not know!?) takes your stuff. He goes around with a HUGE overflowing sack on his back.. kind of like santa.. except the sack is about 25% missing socks, car keys, and cat toys. The rest of it is made up of all that other stuff people "lose". Occasionally if you write an item down and put the note in your pocket for a few days, he'll return your stuff. Occasionally.. Don't ever EVER insult the Stuff Goblin. Ask wendigovegan - it doesn't go well for you, or your stuff.]
I did find one thing that day though. My dad discovered a pair of old ("Vinatage!") Levi's blue/gray cordoroys with really interesting piping on the pockets made out of layers of light gray and a blue/gray corduroy that had been his.. many many years ago. THESE were worth all the sneezing in the dust for!
I tried 'em on. They're too big, but with a belt I think I can make 'em work...
Most of you know (but maybe some of you don't) that when I was thirteen my mother passed away from "Complications from Surgery". That tells me as much today as it did when I was young but I think really I'm Okay with that.
Years prior to that she had bought a dress to wear to her class reunion. It was sort of a retro 50's style. Black with BIG white polka dots on it. It had a shiny white belt. Sleeveless with wide straps and I seem to recall it actually had some crinoline type stuff so the skirt stood out. It was "fun". She adored it. It would fit right in at "swing night".
Recently I became aware that I am currently roughly her size. Her clothes would fit me. I can't really explain how this was a weird moment exactly... it just was. Women who've lost their mother have a difficulty seeing themselves as "adults" I guess in one sense or another... or so I've read somewhere. Maybe that's the issue.
Over the summer Josh and I had a wedding to go to and I decided this would've been a fun dress to wear. I could have SWORN I kept this item.
When we had cleaned out my mother's closet I went through and selected items that I wanted to keep vs ones that were given to my mother's friends, other family members, or charity. There are a few items I'm relatively certain I kept and I was certain this was among them. A quick search of the house turned up nothing over the summer.
This weekend when I was home I tried again. I searched boxes marked "Keepsake Clothes" in the basement. Rechecked the entry way closet. My dad even went through his closet. We found a box of pins that were hers including one that said "I'm Groovy" and a Jimmy Carter Pin that changed from his picture to "Vote Carter" depending on the way you looked at it.
We came across a pair of plaid pants my dad kept in case he won his friends "Polish Open Golf Tournament" - they're as bad as they sound but they match the "winners jacket" for this tongue in cheek outing.
We found the boxes of paperwork my dad had to go through shortly after she died and we found one box of wool items that were hers, packed with moth crystals.
I looked through the sweaters, etc and didn't find the dress, or any of the other things I was sure would be there... like the long skirt with a family of ducks on the edge. (It's more tasteful than it sounds).
I've since began wondering if my change in age didn't change my memories of what should be there. The items we found were fluffy sweaters, and comfy sweatshirts. Maybe a girl who's thirteen needs different things from that box than a woman who's 27. It's possible that I didn't keep that dress after all.
It's possible that it got lost in the shuffle of the last 14 years or accidently donated later.. or that it's hanging up at the lake.. although I'm sure I only thought of that because that's where she wore it..
I'm not sure which drives me more nuts. The items I seem to have lost or the items I know I didn't keep. There are things I gave away that seemed too "old" that now would suit me just fine.. but no it's the things I've lost. That dress. I KNOW I kept it.. Her teddy bear which I'm sure was in her closet at school.
There's a philosophy that says life will continue to throw a challenge at you until you master it. I think my challenge for this lifetime must be loss or letting go. People, Places or Things... I have the worst time dealing with things I've lost or become disconnected to. Want to see me lose my temper? It's pretty rare and one of the very few short fuses I have that's irrational? If I lose something.
I've been trying not be too upset about the dress. It's a THING and what gives it meaning is memory - which is portable. I guess I'm upset that I don't get to put it on and see if it fits or if it's all wrong for me. Or.. .. something..
At thirteen you don't really know your parents as people. You know them as parents and that isn't the same thing.
I eventually gave up my search that day. We managed to get everything packed back up. It just wasn't a finding stuff kind of day.
I even tried to find something else for a while - an old 60's baby blue metal safety razor handle she had - because I'm sick of paying a ton for crap gillette blades when josh pays 2 bucks for a pack of high quality safety blades. It would've been lighter than the models available now. Nope. It vanished too.. and both my dad and I have seen it in the last 5 yrs. We KNOW it's there somewhere. The Stuff Goblin* is a tricky fellow to deal with.
[* The Stuff Goblin for those who don't know (how can you not know!?) takes your stuff. He goes around with a HUGE overflowing sack on his back.. kind of like santa.. except the sack is about 25% missing socks, car keys, and cat toys. The rest of it is made up of all that other stuff people "lose". Occasionally if you write an item down and put the note in your pocket for a few days, he'll return your stuff. Occasionally.. Don't ever EVER insult the Stuff Goblin. Ask wendigovegan - it doesn't go well for you, or your stuff.]
I did find one thing that day though. My dad discovered a pair of old ("Vinatage!") Levi's blue/gray cordoroys with really interesting piping on the pockets made out of layers of light gray and a blue/gray corduroy that had been his.. many many years ago. THESE were worth all the sneezing in the dust for!
I tried 'em on. They're too big, but with a belt I think I can make 'em work...