(no subject)
Title: Crossfire 3/?
Rating: FRT (series overall FRAO)
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Summary: Spencer goes to the BAU for the first time in a year. Derek dares to profile Spencer and comes to a scary conclusion.
ConCrit: Better than Reid’s boy band haircut. Wait, nothing’s better than that :)
SPOILERS: Some canon from all seasons, but not always in the way it happened on the show.
*Formatting errors with LJ, so I couldn’t italic/bold stuff. Flashbacks are marked by // marks. Sorry about that!
~~~
Disclaimer: I don’t own any rights or trademarks to Criminal Minds, the FBI, CBS or any of the characters within. No infringements of these copyrights are intended. Any similarities between original characters therein are a coincidence. I make no profit from the following fictional story. (Fictional, maybe, but I swear this happened all in my head).
~~~
9:48am at the BAU office in Quantico
Dr. Spencer Reid
I catch my reflection in the shiny elevator door just before it opens. I look terrible. I’m at the thinnest I think I’ve ever been (but my medical examination yesterday showed I was okay, just lost weight because of stress), I didn’t sleep so the rings under my eyes are darker than they have ever been, and I feel weak. I was so tense during my early morning phone call to my mother than I felt like I had run a marathon by the time I hung up the phone. I felt guilty she talked about every single one of Derek’s letters and how she hopes he won’t stop writing just because I am home and how happy she is that I am safe again.
I step off the elevator and cautiously follow a mail room attendant into the bullpen. From a distance I see Prentiss at her desk. She’s pretending to be reading the file in front of her but her eyes aren’t following the words and she’s nervously tapping her fingertips on the paper. I don’t even see Derek. Anderson has a box sitting on my desk and is placing a few things inside. He must have been using my desk while I was away. Team cohesion, I can practically hear Hotch explaining it. It shouldn’t bother me, and it really doesn’t, but it does make me feel out of place.
I take a deep breath and walk up to Prentiss. “Hey.” I hold up my hand in a wave.
She looks up from her file and drops it on the desk. The look of surprise mingles with tears in her eyes and she stands and pulls me in for a hug. “Oh I know you hate hugs but fucking shit I missed you.”
I hug her back, trying to convince myself it’s okay. It’s more awkward than hugs from people I care about. When we finally part I nod to Anderson. “Hey Nick.”
“Hi, it’s good to see you. I hope you don’t mind,” he gestures to his box. “Morgan went to get your things from Garcia’s office. He was hoping to have it set up by the time you came in.”
I smile and nod. “Oh, it’s perfectly fine.”
“I know Hotch, Rossi and JJ are in their offices,” Prentiss says. “Do you want to go see Garcia? She has about a million pictures of Jane to show you. She thought about bringing Jane in today but I talked her out of it.”
“Oh thank you,” I smile in honest relief. “It’s just...”
“Overwhelming?” She laughs. “I thought so. I mean, I don’t know what it’s like to be gone for a year, but I know what you are like.”
I wave again to Anderson and walk towards Garcia’s office. The door is open. I see Garcia and Derek sitting in front of her terminal. Garcia has a worried look on her face and Derek’s head is in his hands. Just seeing Derek again makes me feel like I have to turn around and run for my life. I’m not looking forward to this. I don’t know how. I’m not the Spencer he remembers from a year ago.
Garcia notices me first. She gently taps Derek on the shoulder before standing and approaching me, slowly. “Spencer Reid...” I expect her to say something, but instead she starts to cry and pulls me into an uncharacteristically gentle hug. “Honey it is such a relief to see you. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for a year.”
We part and I find myself somewhat relieved by her calmness. Comforted even. “It’s good to see you too.” I look past her shoulder to see Derek standing, hands in his pockets, looking just as confused as I am.
“I’ll let you two be alone for a few minutes.” She grabs a box with my name on it. “I’ve got some surprises for you.”
I wait until she closes the door behind her before I take a breath. “She looks good.”
“There are about a million pictures of Jane in furry pink frames in that box,” Derek says warmly.
“Jane, that’s a pretty name,” I say, reaching up to itch my cheek.
“You look hungry,” Derek says, inching closer. “Did you have breakfast?”
I nod. “I did, I just...the past few months in particular were really stressful and I just lost weight worrying I guess.”
I let Derek approach me. He puts his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. I return the hug, feeling less awkward than I expected, but still awkward. He whispers in my ear, “Are you okay?”
“No,” I reply quietly as we part. “It’s just...I don’t feel like Spencer anymore. Right now. Uhm, this is all so weird to me.”
He nods. “I’m not going to lie and say I understand, because I guess I didn’t go through it the way you did. But I’ll try. Prentiss told me you saw me in the hospital, after the explosion.”
Suddenly my stomach feels like it falls out of my body again. The very thought of seeing that bomb shakes me.
///Barry takes a cell phone out of the glove box, a different one. A cheap one, most likely pre-paid. “I just want you to trust me, why can’t you trust me?”
“Barry...what’s that for?”
He dials a number and hits ‘send’ without holding the phone up to his ear. A second later I hear an explosion from nearby. I look up to see dust and smoke come from a few blocks ahead. Near the police station. Instantly I get out of the car and stand there, hoping for a better look. It was just a car bomb, just a car bomb, right? He didn’t blow up the...///
“Spencer?”
I open my eyes to see Derek, worried before me, hands on my shoulders. “I was standing several blocks away when Barry set it off. I had no idea he was going to blow up the station...I only knew about the mine.”
“It’s okay. See? I’m alive. Hotch is alive. I can take you to his office and prove it.” His eyes are welling up. “Dammit. I missed you.”
“Uhm, Derek, I’m...I’m not quite okay yet. I mean, I don’t feel comfortable being back so I’m sorry,” I bite my lip. “I don’t know what you’re expecting.”
“I moved my stuff out of your place this morning. I’m staying with Prentiss until I find my own place. I realize it wasn’t a good idea for me to just move myself in...”
“No Derek, I understand why you did. I’m glad you did. And, you don’t have to look for your own place. I just need some time.” I’m not sure if that’s a lie or not, but I’m not about to figure that out now. “Thanks.”
“Say, why don’t you go see JJ and Rossi and Hotch? I’ll go make sure Garcia doesn’t paint your desk pink.” He pats my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I reply, waiting for him to leave the room before I let myself cry again. Why is this so hard?
~~~
That evening at Prentiss’s apartment
Agent Derek Morgan
I settle into the couch, hoping to convince Emily that yes, I really am comfortable. She offered to share her indulgent king sized bed with me tonight. Even though I would be more comfortable, I feel like I need the distance. If it wasn’t for Emily’s insistence, I’d be in a hotel. But Spencer needs space. He spent the last year being someone else, so all those issues he was dealing with, all that self loathing and fear, has just come right back as strong as it was before. He should have never taken that assignment, and Hotch should never have let him. Spencer would have been better off if he sat in a cell in federal custody while Hotch fought the DHS. Fucking Patriot Act.
Emily didn’t want me alone, but since I arrived she hasn’t said a word to me. She brought me pillows and blankets and disappeared to her room. I think she knows I want space. She needed to have me here so she could feel peace of mind. Sometimes I hate this profiling thing.
I turn off the lamp and let the first floor of her apartment slip into darkness. When I was a kid, I was scared of the boogeyman. After my father was shot, I was scared of men with guns hiding in the shadows. When I joined the BAU, I thought I wasn’t scared of what would hide in the dark. I know just how evil evil can get. I’m not afraid of it anymore, because fear is lack of knowledge. I know. Or at least I did. Love is absolutely terrifying. Falling in love with Spencer is uncertainty. It’s something unknown hiding in the showers. Its something I have to chase, I have no choice. It’s my job. But I’m scared again. Scared because my love for Spencer has hurt me more than I could have ever imagined, and I fear that it can hurt me even worse.
I close my eyes, as if its going to be some sort of respite from the darkness. Or my thoughts. Never was, never will be. Is this what Spencer was trying to escape with Dilaudid? What Tobias Hankel did to him put those monsters back in the shadows? All new ones, ones he never anticipated. The Dilaudid may have helped for a while, but maybe it was too costly. Or maybe it brought on more shadows, more monsters in the darkness. More that he didn’t feel he was strong enough to deal withm
The Dave Tango came into his life. Maybe he thought Dave Tango would chase the darkness away. But it didn’t happen. He did Tango in the darkness along with his own sexuality. More things that scared him, things he turned into monsters. Richard Felix came along with a shadow that was darker than dark, taking up all that space that pushes some of Spencer’s monsters into the light. His sexuality mainly. Deep Lake scared him back into those shadows. It scared all of us. It nearly killed us. Arizona nearly killed him. All over again.
He’ll come back to the BAU. I can tell he doesn’t want to, there was something in his eyes before Autryville. He’s been thinking about leaving for a while. He’ll come back, but he won’t stay. Spencer will leave in the middle of the night, asking us not to chase after him. I’ll want to, I’ll always want to follow him to the edges of the earth just to make sure he’s okay.
I’ll want to, but maybe I won’t this time. Maybe it’s better to let him slip into my darkness.
//”Derek, why don’t you go with your father to the store?” Mom smiles at me. “Take a trip. You can help your dad carry the milk.”
“Mom, Dad’s a police officer!” I roll my eyes. At ten I’ve already gotten over calling him ‘Daddy’. “He can carry a gallon of milk.”
“I wanna go! I wanna go!” Sarah cries out. “I can carry it!”
“This is just a boy’s trip,” Mom says. “You and Dessy can come with me to the salon tomorrow.”
That seems to keep Sarah quiet, and she crawls into Mom’s lap and watches TV with her. I turn to Dad, who is standing in the doorway. “I’ll help you old man.”
“Old man?” He laughs. “I don’t think so.”
I follow him out to the car, and he won’t even start the engine until my seatbelt is on. “See Dad? It’s on.”
“Good,” he backs out of the driveway. “How’s school going Derek?”
“I aced my math test,” I reply happily. “I always ace my tests. Even spelling.”
“That’s my boy,” Dad reaches over and ruffles my head.
“DAD! Hands on the wheel!” I joke. “Or I’ll place you under Citizen’s Arrest!”
He rolls his eyes. “I should have never told you about Citizen’s Arrest, you are abusing your power.”
“Someday I want to break down doors and catch the bad guys just like you,” I say proudly as Dad pulls up in front of the store.
“Derek, you already make me so proud,” he smiles as we get out of the car and walk into the store.
There are cars in the parking lot, but I don’t see anybody. Not even Miss Ginny is behind the counter, and she’s always here. Or her brother Mr. Herbert. When it’s daylight, I bike down here a lot and get ice cream bars with change I earn by bringing my neighbor her mail every day after school. She has a cane and can’t walk to the mailbox anymore. She’s nice.
“I’ll get the milk!” I offer, turning to my right and going down the aisle with the car stuff to the back of the store where they keep all the cold stuff. I open the glass door and grab a gallon of milk. It’s heavy, but I’m tough. I can carry it all the way home if I have to.
I turn around and go to the candy aisle, because Dad always gets me a small bit of candy when I go on trips with him to the store. I have to be shy about it, like I’m ‘just looking’ and waiting for him. Then he’ll tell me to pick one and I have to eat it in the car before we get home so Dessy and Sarah don’t see. I know he gets them candy when they take trips with Dad, they are stupid girls and they tell me so.
When I look up to find the chocolate, I see red stuff on the floor. Someone spilled ketchup. Miss Ginny must have gone into the back to find a mop. I step over it very carefully. I get to the candy bars when I hear loud yelling from the front of the store. Then my Dad’s voice.
I turn around and see a man wearing all black, facing away from me. He’s holding a gun in his hands and aiming it at Dad. That’s dangerous, Dad always told me if I saw a gun to get a grown up and never touch it no matter what. They are dangerous.
Dad’s holding his hands up. Like people on TV when robbers come in.
This guy is a robber.
But Daddy’s a cop.
Daddy.
Real guns sound nothing like they do on TV.
And real blood doesn’t look like ketchup.
//
*This has been one of my favorite chapters to write in the whole series, as angsty as it is.