Firsts and Lasts - Non-JRock, Kingdom Hearts II, Axel/Roxas
Title: Firsts and Lasts
Author: Kagome
Warnings: Sarcasm, language, sexual content, angst, mild fluff.
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Axel/Roxas
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: The first time Axel saw Roxas-an arrogant-looking kid with blonde hair and blue eyes, he thought that the newest member of the Organization wasn’t anything special. The last time Axel saw Roxas, there were no long and drawn-out goodbyes. He always wanted their relationship to be filled with firsts, never lasts.
Comments: Apparently, this fic was stuck in my head for quite some time but I never really knew it until a couple of weeks ago when I started writing it. >_>;;; Sneaky KH muses. Spoilers if you don’t know Roxas’ connection with Sora, though that’s pretty well explained near the beginning of the game. First KH fic. Hope you like it!
Firsts and Lasts
The first time Axel saw Roxas-an arrogant-looking kid with blonde hair and blue eyes, he thought that the newest member of the Organization wasn’t anything special. He was just a kid.
Upon further inspection, Axel almost managed to convince himself that he wouldn’t get along with this new guy at all. He was merely a kid after all, wasn’t he? What could he possibly have to offer?
Maybe that wasn’t fair. He obviously had to be good for something if he was chosen to be a member of the Organization, but that wasn’t the point.
Besides, first impressions weren’t always correct, and so Axel decided to give the new guy the benefit of the doubt. He decided to get to know him a little first before passing judgment.
Introductions came first, right? Right. Axel approached the boy without hesitation, half-smirking as he said, “So you’re Number Thirteen, huh?”
The youth turned to him and gave him a once-over. Seemingly unimpressed, he replied in a flat tone, “Roxas. That’s my name. Roxas.”
If Roxas’ lack of interest was meant to deter Axel, it didn’t work. Axel was many things, and stubborn was one of those things. “Well, Roxas. The name’s Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?”
Roxas raised an eyebrow, but otherwise still seemed completely indifferent. “Axel, huh? I-D-I-O-T. Got it memorized.”
He then walked away, leaving Axel to stare after him in a state of something akin to disbelief. How dare that kid have the audacity to say something like that to him?
Axel figured then that he should really learn to trust his first impressions, because he knew without a doubt now that he did not like this new guy. At all.
Why hadn’t he just listened to himself in the first place?
~*~
The first time Axel took Roxas to the clock tower, they weren’t exactly on the best of terms. It was on the evening of the day they’d introduced themselves to each other (well, sort-of introduced themselves to each other, anyway), and introductions hadn’t gone smoothly, to put it mildly.
After walking around most of the afternoon, hands shoved deep into his pockets (he wasn’t pouting, damnit), Axel finally made the decision to give the kid a second chance (against his better judgment). He knew that the result might be the same as he’d gotten earlier, but maybe it was worth a shot. Or, maybe it wasn’t. In any case, he was going to try.
He stalked over to the boy, who didn’t even look up at him. Any other individual might have gotten annoyed by the lack of acknowledgment and might have walked away, but Axel wasn’t just any individual. He was Axel, and he wasn’t going to let the blonde’s attitude derail his efforts this time (not so soon, at least).
“Uh, look, Roxas… I think we got off on the wrong foot.” He would admit to that, but there was no way in hell he was apologizing. He had his pride (or being a Nobody, maybe he didn’t), and besides, he had absolutely no reason to apologize in the first place. The damn kid had every reason to apologize, but Axel wasn’t about to hold his breath and wait for an apology.
“Wrong foot, right foot, aren’t they the same?” Roxas asked dully, still not looking up at him.
“No,” Axel answered, barely refraining from snorting. “And will you fucking look at me?”
Ah, that got a reaction. Roxas was looking at him now, at least.
The blonde sighed. “What is it, Axel?”
Oh, wow. He actually remembered his name and he hadn’t called him an idiot. What a surprise.
“You aren’t like the others,” Axel began, gesturing towards Demyx, who happened to be the only other member of Organization XIII in sight at that moment. That statement was true enough: In the hours since they’d met, Axel had learned that the youth really wasn’t like the others.
“And being the gracious person that I am,” Axel continued, now pointing at himself, “I have decided to give you a second chance. You gotta come with me, though.”
“Oh?” The look on Roxas’ face changed from one of disinterest to one of doubt. Progress. Baby steps, but it was progress. “And just where are you expecting me to go? Somewhere you think you can kill me and cleverly dispose of my body in secret? That’s not going to happen.”
Axel scoffed. “I take offense to that. You’re supposed to come with me.” He enunciated slowly and carefully. “Just come on, okay? Not gonna kill you.”
Roxas now looked even more doubtful, but he eventually sighed again and said, “Not like I have anything better to do anyway.” It wasn’t exactly a declaration of trust and the boy didn’t sound enthused at all, but it was better than a dead-panned look and silence. At least Axel was getting more than that - and sarcasm - from him.
Roxas seemed more than a little reluctant to follow Axel, but he did follow. As a show of appreciation (or something like that), Axel bought him some of his own favorite ice cream along the way.
When they reached the top of the clock tower, the sun was just beginning to set. Perfect timing.
“This is my place,” Axel told him, and then he elaborated: “Not my place, exactly, but you know… I like to come here.” He’d never taken anyone else here, and even he himself wasn’t sure why he’d brought this brat here.
“It’s nice,” Roxas told him as he slowly lowered himself to a sitting position, his gaze focused on the setting sun. He didn’t look so disinterested now.
“It is,” Axel agreed, unceremoniously plopping down beside Roxas. “You should be grateful that I brought you to this place, kid.”
“It’s Roxas.” The blonde frowned at him, and then looked away. “And yeah. Thanks.” He paused, and then added: “I don’t know why you wanted to bring me here anyway, but don’t you dare call this a date, all right? Don’t get any funny ideas.” Was it possible that the kid was actually blushing?
Axel could have asked where in the hell that had come from, but he didn’t. Instead, he replied (no hesitation), “Nah. You’re not my type.”
That was the first time Roxas smiled at him, and Axel thought that maybe the kid wasn’t so bad, after all.
~*~
The first time Axel kissed Roxas, it was rushed and awkward and clumsy-nowhere near perfect. Their lips brushed together with barely enough pressure to be noticed at all, and Roxas didn’t even respond; he didn’t even try to kiss back.
It was Roxas, in fact, who broke the kiss, pulling away and staring incredulously at Axel. “What the hell was that all about?” he asked, and holy shit, that was the most expression that Axel had ever seen the boy display. It made him feel rather accomplished.
Axel shrugged, feeling calm and collected-the exact opposite of how Roxas seemed to be feeling at the moment. “It was a kiss, Roxas. A K-I-S-S. Surely you know what that is.”
Roxas’ cheeks turned pink. “I know what a kiss is, you idiot. I just want to know why you kissed me.”
That was actually something that Axel was wondering himself. Why had he kissed Roxas? He shrugged yet again. “Because you’re my best friend? Because you’re my partner in crime?” Because you’re the only one who really gets me? Because you’re the only one I like out of this godforsaken bunch? “Because I wanted to? Do I need a reason?”
Roxas was glaring at him now, eyes narrowed as opposed to widened. “You told me the day I met you that I wasn’t your type.”
At that time, Axel had been certain he was correct. He had been sure that a kid like Roxas could never be his type. Hell, he hadn’t even known that he had a type to begin with. However, throughout the course of their friendship, something had changed… or maybe nothing had changed at all and Axel had simply been incorrect to begin with.
“Maybe I was lying,” he told Roxas. “L-Y-I-N-G. Got it memor--”
“I possess the highly complex capability to spell,” Roxas interrupted dryly. “Just… don’t do shit like that without warning someone!”
So did that mean that Roxas wouldn’t mind if Axel kissed him again? That’s how Axel interpreted the younger boy’s words, anyway.
“All right,” Axel said, leaning in towards Roxas again. “I’m giving you your warning: I’m going to kiss you.”
Roxas didn’t try to stop him. Sapphire stared into emerald as their lips met, soft and tentative. Axel had kissed others before, but he had the feeling that Roxas hadn’t, and so he could take his time. He waited for the blonde to respond - to start kissing him back instead of merely yielding to him - before he slowly deepened the kiss, his gaze still holding Roxas’.
The youth’s lips parted and Axel took the opportunity offered, his tongue slipping past those oh-so-pliant lips and gently brushing against Roxas’. That was when the blonde gasped and pulled away, now red as a tomato. “Sorry,” he began, sounding more than a little flustered (and he’d never apologized to Axel before), “but I-I want to….” He trailed off, gesturing wildly with his hands, and Axel decided right then and there that he’d have to do this more often, because seeing Roxas like this was fun.
“Again?” Axel asked, and when Roxas nodded, he almost smiled. “Okay, but close your eyes this time.”
“Okay,” Roxas agreed, and when Axel leaned in to kiss him again, it was Axel himself who closed his eyes first.
He had to, lest he drown in all of that blue.
~*~
The first time Axel had sex with Roxas, it was rushed and maybe a little awkward (like their first kiss had been), but it was perfect too, in its own way.
It was well past midnight when Roxas came tiptoeing into Axel’s room; he could make out the blonde’s form immediately, even in the darkness.
“What’s up Roxy?” he asked as he sat up in bed, rubbing at his eyes. It was late and he’d been woken up, after all. He had a right to feel groggy.
“Don’t call me that,” Roxas said as he shut Axel’s door and moved further into the room, only stopping when he reached Axel’s bed. He settled himself on the edge of it, and Axel could feel the mattress sink slightly as Roxas’ weight was added to it.
“That’s not an answer Roxy,” Axel replied, ignoring the fact that Roxas had just told him not to call him ‘Roxy’. He reached out, pulling Roxas closer, and when the blonde didn’t try to push him away, he continued: “Tell me your reason for coming in here and waking me up when I was sleeping so well.”
Roxas buried his face against the redhead’s neck. His face felt awfully warm against Axel’s skin, and Axel realized it was because Roxas was blushing. Why was he blushing?
“I don’t… I can’t….” The blonde’s voice was muffled, but not thick with sleep as one’s voice would be if one had just recently woken up. This told Axel something else: Roxas hadn’t been sleeping.
“Gonna have to finish your sentence, you brat,” Axel told him, running his fingers along Roxas’ bare back, noticing only then that the boy wasn’t wearing a shirt. “I don’t have ESP, you know.”
Roxas sighed and lifted his head. “I want you to kiss me.”
Well, if that was what Roxas wanted, Axel would gladly oblige. He kissed Roxas slowly and lazily, because that was what sort of mood he was in, given the fact that he was still somewhat sleepy.
Roxas, however, didn’t seem to be in the same sort of mood as Axel. He seemed urgent and perhaps even a little… needy? But that wasn’t possible, was it? Roxas and needy weren’t exactly synonymous, so perhaps Axel’s still-sleepy mind was simply fabricating (hoping for) silly, impossible things.
When Axel broke away from the kiss (feeling considerably less sleepy), he said, “Did you come here for just a kiss?”
“No,” Roxas mumbled, shaking his head. “Listen. I’m… I. Uh. I’m tired of taking care of this myself.” He then took one of Axel’s hands and placed it between his legs and oh, that took Axel pleasantly by surprise.
Roxas was hard, and Axel was grateful that the blonde was currently only wearing his boxers (the kid could really be a genius when he wanted to be). Axel had been waiting for something like this to happen since he’d first kissed Roxas, and while things had gotten a little hot and heavy between them before, they’d never progressed this far, and Axel had never imagined that Roxas would do something as bold as this-not that he was complaining.
Axel pressed the flat of his palm against the head of Roxas’ erection, not yet moving his boxers out of the way, and he rubbed. The soft moan that Roxas made sent heat spiraling down to Axel’s lower belly. He sure as hell wasn’t sleepy anymore, in any case.
“You want me to take care of this for you?” Axel purred, daring to rub a little harder.
“Y-yes,” Roxas murmured, lifting his hips, and fuck, wasn’t that a surprisingly pretty sight? Axel wouldn’t mind seeing it more often.
“Well if you wanted me to do this for you before now, you could’ve said something,” Axel whispered as he reached into Roxas’ boxers and curled his fingers around the younger boy’s length, stroking slowly. “You could’ve had me instead of just fantasies of me while you jerked off.”
“How many times have you done the same thing?” Roxas retorted before moaning again, his head lolling forward until his forehead was resting on Axel’s shoulder. “God, Axel, that’s good.”
Roxas had him there. He’d spent several nights fantasizing about the blonde while masturbating, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to admit that now--not when Roxas was being a smart-ass about it. So he said nothing in reply, choosing instead to give Roxas another leisurely stroke before withdrawing his hand and shushing Roxas’ protest.
“So, there are a few ways I can do this,” he said, whispering the words against Roxas’ jaw. “Hand, mouth, or….” He let his sentence trail off then, figuring that Roxas would already know what he was getting at.
“Or what?” Roxas asked, tugging insistently at Axel’s shirt.
Okay, so maybe Axel had figured wrong. Or maybe Roxas was just screwing with him and was already two steps ahead of him. Given the blonde’s personality, it was probably the latter.
Axel let Roxas pull his t-shirt over his head, assisting by lifting his arms. “Or I could fuck you.”
”I vote for that option.” Roxas reached for Axel’s boxers and looked pointedly up at the redhead. Oh. Of course, he wouldn’t get anywhere with said boxers unless Axel laid back.
And Axel did, equally surprised and aroused at how Roxas seemed so much less nervous now (if it could have even been said that he seemed nervous in the first place), even given the newness of the situation. “You know what you’re voting for, kid?”
“Of course I know what I’m voting for,” Roxas snapped, making quick work of Axel’s boxers. His hands were trembling minutely, but Axel didn’t verbalize that he’d noticed it. “I’m not stupid. I know what sex is-I know I want that, with you.”
Axel had to bite back a groan at Roxas’ words. The blonde wanted him, and that made his self-control wobble just a little-made him forget that he wasn’t supposed to be giving Roxas the satisfaction of hearing or witnessing such weakness. But really, who the hell was he kidding? Had he ever possessed such a thing as self-control when it came to Roxas? “You know how to drive a guy insane without even touching him, y’know that?” he asked, even though he knew that the question would only inflate the other’s ego.
Roxas curled his fingers around Axel’s cock. “Maybe I could do that ‘touching’ part too.” He stroked slowly, just as slowly as Axel had stroked him, the motion seeming almost experimental. “I think we’d both enjoy it more if I touch you, anyway.” He brushed his thumb roughly over the tip, smearing precum. “Right?”
Axel’s hips jerked upwards of their own accord. “Where the hell did you learn to do that?” he asked, surprised at how husky his voice now sounded.
“On myself,” Roxas replied as though that were the only obvious answer (and yeah, Axel supposed it was). “I know enough to give a handjob, Axel, but I don’t think that’s what either of us is interested in right now.”
”So what do you want, then?” Axel asked, even though the Keyblade wielder’s had technically already answered that question, and Axel was pretty sure that Roxas hadn’t changed his mind this quickly. So sure, in fact, that he didn’t even wait for an answer - the answer - before he sat up and pushed Roxas back, almost whimpering at the loss of touch. Giving in to impulse, he leaned over the blonde and pressed his lips to his pale throat, sucking on Roxas’ Adam’s apple.
“You,” Roxas said, and there was no hesitation when he said it. Nor was there even a tiny hint of sarcasm (which was a quality that Roxas possessed a fair amount of). Axel could only detect need in the boy’s voice. Need for him, and Axel couldn’t have bothered to pause long enough to question whether Roxas could feel such a thing as need. He knew what he heard, damnit.
“All right,” Axel murmured, pressing a kiss to Roxas’ shoulder before removing the only remaining barrier between them-Roxas’ boxers. “Just let me get lube.”
What Axel was searching for was in the top drawer of his nightstand, which was where he’d always kept it since he’d purchased it. He hadn’t used it in a while, though-not since Roxas had stepped into his life, and he found that he, too, was trembling slightly as he squeezed some of the lubricant onto his fingers. It was as if this was entirely new to him. In a way, he supposed, it was.
“Don’t go slow,” Roxas told him, even as he gasped at the invasion of Axel’s index finger. “We’ve got time for that later.”
”My, my, aren’t you a pushy bottom?” Axel teased, slowly (even though Roxas had specified that he wasn’t in the mood for slow) thrusting that finger in and out of Roxas’ body before adding a second finger. Simultaneously, he fisted the boy’s erection with his free hand, distracting him from the probable (even if only slight) discomfort of stretching him.
“Shut up,” Roxas retorted, his fingers tangling in Axel’s red locks. The sound he made as he shoved his hips upwards into Axel’s fist might have been a mix between a moan and a whimper. Whatever it was, Axel wanted to hear more.
Axel scissored his fingers and then curled them, knowing that he’d found the spot he was searching for when Roxas cried out and rocked his hips down onto Axel’s fingers.
“Fuck,” Roxas hissed, tugging on Axel’s hair (and Axel realized then that he really liked the feel of Roxas’ fingers in his hair, even when - or maybe especially when - he pulled), “where’d you learn to do that?”
Axel grinned. “I’ve done this before,” he replied, wriggling his fingers and causing Roxas to make that sound again-that whimpery moan, or moany whimper, or whatever the hell it was. It didn’t matter. Axel liked it. “J-E-A-L-O-U-S~?” He was still teasing, of course, and he trusted Roxas to know that.
“Why should I be?” Roxas asked, sounding just as unconcerned and disinterested as the day that Axel had met him. “You’re with me now, aren’t you?”
Axel nodded. “I am,” he agreed. “I am, Roxas.” And then he had to stop talking; he had to practically bite down on his tongue to avoid saying something stupid.
He had to stop himself before he said words that he, being what he was, wasn’t even supposed to know the meaning of in the first place.
~*~
The last time Axel had sex with Roxas (though he didn’t know that it would be the last at that time), it wasn’t like their first time, save for the fact that Axel didn’t consider it any less perfect. They took their time, and Roxas didn’t protest the slow rhythm-didn’t try to tell Axel to hurry up, not like he had the first time.
Besides, Axel had learned something: He had learned that it was okay to take his precious time if he wanted to, because within fifteen minutes after orgasm, Roxas was ready for another round. Bless the stamina of the young.
Axel stretched beside Roxas and rolled over onto his side, propping his elbow on the mattress and resting his chin on his hand. “Ready for round two?” he asked as he trailed the fingers of his other hand down Roxas’ chest, pausing to pinch and roll his nipples.
“You’re insatiable,” Roxas replied, shifting slightly. Axel noted with satisfaction that the blonde had spread his legs a little further apart-an unconscious action on his part, certainly, but no less enjoyable.
“You’re a fine one to talk,” Axel said as he fit himself between his lover’s thighs. “You’re getting hard again.” He ground his hips against Roxas’ just to prove his point, and he smirked. “Yep. Definitely getting hard again, Roxy~.”
As if in retaliation, Roxas shoved his hips upwards, and Axel swallowed his groan, not wanting to let the brat one-up him.
“Yeah, well so are you,” Roxas replied with a wicked little grin as he placed his hands on Axel’s hips and pulled Axel closer, forcing their bodies to fit more tightly together (and Axel had to admit that maybe the kid had one-upped him for now, but that wouldn’t last long). “And don’t call me Roxy.”
“Maybe we should do something about our problems then,” Axel suggested before leaning down and circling his tongue around Roxas’ nipple. “I promise I can make it worth your while.” In an effort to show Roxas just how he could fulfill his promise, he began kissing his way down the front of the blonde’s body, pausing to tease at the most sensitive spots.
As expected, fingers tangled into his hair and tugged. “I know you can, but listen to me. I need to talk to you about something.”
“What, now?” Axel asked, dipping his tongue into Roxas’ bellybutton. Really, couldn’t it wait until later? What was more important than this right now?
“Y-yes,” Roxas stuttered, tugging ineffectually at Axel’s hair yet again (there was no way in hell that Axel was going to stop now).
“Well you’ll just have to talk while I’m doing this.” Axel continued his downward journey, stopping only when he reached the coarse hair surrounding the base of Roxas’ length. He pressed a kiss there and smiled, showing teeth. “You can handle that, can’t you?”
So maybe he was being a little cruel, but he’d more than make up for the teasing.
Roxas didn’t answer verbally, but he gave Axel a look that clearly said ‘bring it on’, and that’s exactly what Axel did: He slid down a bit more and without further pause or teasing, he took Roxas’ cock into his mouth and deep-throated him in one motion in lieu of taking him in inch by inch (as he often did, simply for the pleasure of driving his lover insane).
Roxas mewled and bucked his hips, his hold on Axel’s hair tightening. “Axel! You’re making it-fuck! You’re making it hard--”
“I know,” Axel interrupted smugly before swallowing the blonde’s length again, adding suction this time.
“Hard to think, stupid!” Axel didn’t have to look to know that Roxas was blushing. “And it’s important!”
Axel drew back until just the head of Roxas’ cock was still in his mouth, and he swiped his tongue over the tip. He could taste pre-cum-he could taste Roxas. He could smell sex (and Roxas). He could feel Roxas shuddering beneath him. He could see the youth fighting not to react (and losing because he reacted anyway). He could hear Roxas, too-he could hear his own name falling from the blonde’s lips.
The combination of what Axel could taste, smell, feel, see, and hear was making him dizzy; it was making him feel drunk, almost.
“So tell me what you want to tell me Roxy,” he breathed, releasing a soft sound of his own when Roxas tugged roughly on his hair.
“I was thinking, you know,” Roxas began, and Axel could hear the boy’s hesitation. He could feel that same hesitation in the slight tensing of Roxas’ body. “Thinking about the Keyblade. And about… the other part of me.”
Axel barely refrained from rolling his eyes at that. Roxas had brought the subject up before and had told Axel that he wondered why things were the way they were, but it hadn’t gone further than that. Hell, couldn’t the brat pick a better time to bring the subject back up, anyway? A time, for instance, when Axel wasn’t going down on him?!
Axel’s only response was to suck harder. It worked for a minute or two-Roxas didn’t say a damn thing but Axel’s name along with a few choice expletives, but that didn’t last nearly long enough. It seemed that today, the blonde just wouldn’t let himself get distracted from whatever it was that he wanted to say.
Within moments, Roxas was struggling to rediscover his train of thought, which was the last thing that Axel wanted. “I want to find the answers for myself, so I’m leaving.”
The words were said in a rush and they were somewhat garbled, not to mention spoken softly. Therefore, Axel didn’t believe that Roxas had said what he thought he’d said. Surely, the boy wouldn’t be so stupid. Leave? He’d never said anything like that before.
Axel pulled back again and gazed down at Roxas. “Tell me that you didn’t just say you’re leaving.” He didn’t sound at all desperate or angry-he sounded calm and controlled, which was how he wanted to sound (and how he should’ve sounded, anyway).
“I’m leaving,” Roxas repeated, softer than before, his fingers leaving Axel’s hair.
It was beginning to sink in now after hearing it twice; Axel hadn’t misheard him at all. He’d just hoped that he had. “You can’t be serious.” But he already knew the answer to that, too. He could see it in Roxas’ eyes.
“I am serious, Axel. I need to--”
“Stop it,” Axel interrupted, abruptly sitting up. “Just… stop, all right?” He left the bed and got dressed, ignoring the fact that he could feel the blonde’s eyes on him as he did so.
Maybe Axel wasn’t acting his age (then again, did he ever?) but the thought of Roxas leaving the Organization - the thought of Roxas leaving him - after all that had transpired was not something that Axel could bring himself to think about, much less agree with or approve of. He had to get out, and now, before Roxas said something else to make the situation worse. He couldn’t talk to Roxas, not when the boy was acting like this.
“Where are you going?” Roxas asked as Axel headed for the door. His tone was still soft and maybe even uncertain now.
Axel looked briefly over his shoulder. “Out. Find me when you’re ready to start saying things that make sense again.”
And as he shut the door, he told himself that Roxas couldn’t have possibly looked hurt, because Roxas was a Nobody just like (and completely unlike) the rest of them, and Nobodies didn’t shoulder emotional pain.
~*~
The last time Axel kissed Roxas, he made sure that it was deep and lingering, and he kept his eyes open, not caring if he did drown in a sea of sapphire, because maybe that way…
Maybe that way, Roxas would see how badly Axel wanted him to stay.
They hadn’t spoken for four days-not since their argument. Or rather, not since Axel had stormed off during sex, leaving Roxas lying on his bed. He had refused to speak to the blonde again until he came to his senses.
Apparently, he hadn’t come to his senses yet.
Axel wasn’t fond of wandering around by himself anymore. He’d gotten used to the company-to Roxas’ company, he supposed. Even so, he was still who he was (stubborn as ever) and he refused to give in first. He’d be damned if he was going to go looking for Roxas after what he’d said to stupid kid. No, Roxas would have to find him.
And Roxas did find him, on the outskirts of town, leaning against one of the taller buildings. Roxas approached him and Axel glanced at the younger boy, but otherwise gave no sign of acknowledgment.
“I don’t like not speaking to you, Axel,” Roxas said as if it was more than just a mere statement-as if it meant something (and to Axel, it did, but it wasn’t enough).
“Are you ready to stop saying stupid things?” Axel asked, still refusing to meet the Keyblade wielder’s gaze. He felt that he already knew the answer to this question, but he asked anyway.
“I still have things I want to say to you,” Roxas replied, stepping closer. “You’re not going to like what I have to say, though.”
Axel snorted. So he was going to sing the same tune he’d sung four days (nights) ago, huh? That being the case, no, Axel didn’t want to hear it. “So why bother telling me, then?”
”Because I need you to listen!” Roxas almost yelled. “I need you to understand. I need you to know.” He turned around then, no longer facing Axel as he continued: “I’m leaving the Organization.”
Hearing Roxas say that a third time was like a physical blow. Didn’t he know what he was getting himself into?! “Not a good idea. You get on their bad side, and they’ll kill you.” He hoped that that, at least, would have some impact and would give Roxas pause.
It didn’t. “No one would miss me.” Roxas sounded like he believed it, too. Maybe he did.
You idiot! That was what Axel wanted to say, but he didn’t. “That’s not true!” He wasn’t yelling, even though he wanted to do that, too, because maybe it would make Roxas realize… “I would.”
Roxas turned around, now facing Axel once more, his features softening. “I have to, Axel. Don’t you get it? I have a heart. I have another half. I’m not whole. Sora. He’s… he’s me, and I’m him. And he has to know about the Keyblade….” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Don’t you see?”
”No,” Axel replied firmly, “I don’t, Roxas.” He didn’t see what Roxas wanted him to see. If he was blind, then so was Roxas, for not understanding that he wouldn’t feel whole without the blonde here with him (a complete oxymoron, since he wasn’t whole to begin with-nothingness could never be whole). The blind leading he blind. That meant they were heading nowhere.
Nowhere was a place fit for Nobodies, though, right?
“I just have to know, Axel. And in order to get my answers, I’ll have to find him.” It was apparently the only option available that Roxas would accept.
Axel didn’t see it as the only acceptable option. In fact, Roxas leaving wasn’t anywhere near an acceptable option, in his opinion. “And then what?” he asked, not even realizing that he was clenching his fists. “You find him, and then what? You know what I think’ll happen? I think you’ll find this Sora with this heart you’re looking for, and then you won’t be Roxas anymore. You won’t be you. Got it memorized?”
Roxas blinked and then narrowed his eyes slightly. “But he is me.”
“No.” Axel shook his head. “Only you are you. No-one else is you, Roxy.”
Roxas sighed. “Axel, let’s… let’s talk about this later, okay?” He took several steps forward, closing the distance between them and sliding his arms around Axel’s middle. Axel let him.
Axel didn’t want to talk about it later; he didn’t want to talk about it at all, but he was pretty sure he didn’t have a choice in the matter. “Roxas, you--”
“Just kiss me, Axel,” Roxas interrupted, gazing up at him. “Can’t you do that?”
Axel almost told him no. Axel almost pushed him away, but he didn’t do either of those things. Instead, he pulled Roxas closer and kissed him, eyes open and searching, and Roxas kept his eyes open too. Lips met first, then tongues, and Roxas relaxed against him, relenting.
When they broke apart for air, Axel wanted to believe that Roxas would say that he’d changed his mind. He wanted very badly for Roxas to say that this whole thing had been a joke.
“I’m a Nobody right now, Axel. When I find Sora, I’ll be a Somebody.”
He hadn’t changed his mind. This wasn’t a joke.
Axel pulled Roxas closer and tried to determine how he could possibly convince the blonde that he was already - and always had been - a Somebody in his eyes.
~*~
The last time Axel took Roxas to the clock tower, it felt somewhat similar to the first time he’d taken him there. Though they weren’t fighting now (Axel had tried his best to persuade Roxas to stay-he’d yelled and fought with him and he’d apologized and nearly pleaded with him, but it had all availed to nothing), things weren’t exactly okay between them. They’d gotten off to a rocky start, and it seemed that things would be rocky here at the end as well.
Axel knew the end of their relationship - if it could even be called that - was near; he knew Roxas wouldn’t stick around for much longer. Better to make the remaining days (or hours or minutes-hell, he didn’t even know) count, right?
“Let’s go,” Axel said before poking Roxas in the back with an index finger.
Roxas looked up at him, head tilted to one side and brows knitted together as though he were trying to figure out just what Axel had in mind. “Where are we going?”
Axel rolled his eyes. “Where do you think we’re going, Roxy? Where do we usually go just before sunset?”
He half-expected Roxas to tell him ‘Don’t call me Roxy’ as he typically did, but he hadn’t told him that for a while now-another sign that things just weren’t right between them. Axel didn’t like it.
Yet again, Axel found that his expectations were not the same as the actual result, because Roxas only nodded and said, “Okay.”
They stopped for ice cream like they had countless times before, and they settled down at their usual spot to watch the sun set. It had been Axel’s favorite spot, and now it was their favorite spot. Soon, Axel would be coming here by himself again, and he knew that nothing would ever be the same. Nothing was the same with Roxas here, and nothing would be the same when he left. Quite a paradox, but it made sense to Axel.
They didn’t talk about Roxas’ inevitable departure. They didn’t talk about anything at all, in fact. That was okay with Axel-might as well start getting used to the silence, he figured.
When Roxas slid closer, Axel wound an arm around him and simply held him. What he really didn’t like about this was the fact that even though he was holding Roxas now, it already felt like the blonde was a million miles away, in another world, without him.
“Don’t you dare call this a date, all right?” Roxas suddenly said, echoing the very same words he’d said that first day. “Don’t get any funny ideas.”
His voice couldn’t have possibly been tinged with sadness or regret. Axel couldn’t have possibly heard the slightest tremble in the boy’s voice.
Or maybe it could’ve, and maybe he did, because Roxas had a heart out there somewhere.
Axel’s smile couldn’t have possibly been considered rueful or even slightly bitter as he replied, “Nah. You’re not my type.”
The stinging sensation in Axel’s eyes couldn’t have possibly been tears, just as the almost-pain in his chest couldn’t have possibly been heartache, because he was a Nobody and he didn’t have a heart out there anywhere.
And if he didn’t have a heart, then he couldn’t have possibly been experiencing heartache ( heartbreak), could he?
Of course not.
~*~
The last time Axel saw Roxas (a glimpse of blonde and black before the boy was swallowed by darkness), there were no long and drawn-out goodbyes. Axel was thankful for that, because he wasn’t familiar with goodbyes. He’d never bid farewell to anyone before. He didn’t even tell Roxas goodbye.
He did, however, tell him that they’d meet again.
Roxas didn’t look over his shoulder, and Axel was glad for that too, because it already felt like he was empty-completely devoid of everything, and he knew that if their eyes met, that feeling (that nothingness) would only intensify. Then again, wasn’t that all he was supposed to feel to begin with, since he was a Nobody? Nothing?
He had, before Roxas. After Roxas, he’d felt something.
Axel didn’t try to stop him; Roxas’ mind was made up and the brat could be just as stubborn as Axel himself sometimes. He simply watched as his best friend, partner, and lover all rolled into one walked away and then vanished into the darkness, heading for who-knew-where.
No, Axel knew. Roxas was going to find Sora, wherever he was. Sora… the lucky bastard.
Roxas had turned his life upside-down when he’d entered it, and now that he’d left it, things were right-side-up again, but Axel didn’t like this right-side-up world. It had been good enough for him when Roxas hadn’t been part of his life, but now it was just ugly and empty, and he found himself already wanting the wholeness that the upside-down world had given him.
But that life, that world… Roxas was gone now, and Axel had watched him go.
He’d once heard that when you love someone, you can let them go. Pretty words, but they meant nothing to him. They were sentimental words meant for the ears of those with hearts. Perhaps those with hearts would believe and follow such ridiculous sayings, but Axel did not have a heart and he didn’t believe in such maudlin sayings. He didn’t follow what he didn’t believe in.
Thus it was easy enough for Axel to reject those words. He would not let Roxas go. He’d watched him leave, that much was true, but he would not let him go. He’d find the blonde again (and now there was determination mixing with the nothingness), whether he was in this world or some other world that Axel wasn’t familiar with.
He’d find Roxas, and maybe then they’d be able to pick up where they’d left off.
Determination and hope now, along with the ever-present nothingness, and maybe that hope was even more dangerous because it was foreign to him, just like all of those other feelings that he wasn’t supposed to be capable of possessing.
There was more than nothing-there was something, and Axel, being a Nobody, wasn’t supposed to recognize something, much less have the ability to comprehend it.
But then again, Axel had never been the type to follow the standards set for Nobodies.
And maybe now it was time to listen to something - to follow something - instead of merely contenting himself with nothing, because nothing wasn’t the only thing in his world anymore-not since the moment he’d first laid eyes on that blue-eyed, blonde-haired brat.
Roxas had given him more than nothing. Roxas had given him something, and Axel, Nobody or not, wasn’t about to just let his something go.
~END~
--------------------------------
Whew. This was a lot of fun to write but it also wanted to give me a little trouble in some places. Mainly the end, because it wanted to be longer than I had originally intended it to be. That’s okay though, because I like this ending. ^________^ I’m hoping that you all enjoyed it, too~!
Author: Kagome
Warnings: Sarcasm, language, sexual content, angst, mild fluff.
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Axel/Roxas
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: The first time Axel saw Roxas-an arrogant-looking kid with blonde hair and blue eyes, he thought that the newest member of the Organization wasn’t anything special. The last time Axel saw Roxas, there were no long and drawn-out goodbyes. He always wanted their relationship to be filled with firsts, never lasts.
Comments: Apparently, this fic was stuck in my head for quite some time but I never really knew it until a couple of weeks ago when I started writing it. >_>;;; Sneaky KH muses. Spoilers if you don’t know Roxas’ connection with Sora, though that’s pretty well explained near the beginning of the game. First KH fic. Hope you like it!
Firsts and Lasts
The first time Axel saw Roxas-an arrogant-looking kid with blonde hair and blue eyes, he thought that the newest member of the Organization wasn’t anything special. He was just a kid.
Upon further inspection, Axel almost managed to convince himself that he wouldn’t get along with this new guy at all. He was merely a kid after all, wasn’t he? What could he possibly have to offer?
Maybe that wasn’t fair. He obviously had to be good for something if he was chosen to be a member of the Organization, but that wasn’t the point.
Besides, first impressions weren’t always correct, and so Axel decided to give the new guy the benefit of the doubt. He decided to get to know him a little first before passing judgment.
Introductions came first, right? Right. Axel approached the boy without hesitation, half-smirking as he said, “So you’re Number Thirteen, huh?”
The youth turned to him and gave him a once-over. Seemingly unimpressed, he replied in a flat tone, “Roxas. That’s my name. Roxas.”
If Roxas’ lack of interest was meant to deter Axel, it didn’t work. Axel was many things, and stubborn was one of those things. “Well, Roxas. The name’s Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?”
Roxas raised an eyebrow, but otherwise still seemed completely indifferent. “Axel, huh? I-D-I-O-T. Got it memorized.”
He then walked away, leaving Axel to stare after him in a state of something akin to disbelief. How dare that kid have the audacity to say something like that to him?
Axel figured then that he should really learn to trust his first impressions, because he knew without a doubt now that he did not like this new guy. At all.
Why hadn’t he just listened to himself in the first place?
~*~
The first time Axel took Roxas to the clock tower, they weren’t exactly on the best of terms. It was on the evening of the day they’d introduced themselves to each other (well, sort-of introduced themselves to each other, anyway), and introductions hadn’t gone smoothly, to put it mildly.
After walking around most of the afternoon, hands shoved deep into his pockets (he wasn’t pouting, damnit), Axel finally made the decision to give the kid a second chance (against his better judgment). He knew that the result might be the same as he’d gotten earlier, but maybe it was worth a shot. Or, maybe it wasn’t. In any case, he was going to try.
He stalked over to the boy, who didn’t even look up at him. Any other individual might have gotten annoyed by the lack of acknowledgment and might have walked away, but Axel wasn’t just any individual. He was Axel, and he wasn’t going to let the blonde’s attitude derail his efforts this time (not so soon, at least).
“Uh, look, Roxas… I think we got off on the wrong foot.” He would admit to that, but there was no way in hell he was apologizing. He had his pride (or being a Nobody, maybe he didn’t), and besides, he had absolutely no reason to apologize in the first place. The damn kid had every reason to apologize, but Axel wasn’t about to hold his breath and wait for an apology.
“Wrong foot, right foot, aren’t they the same?” Roxas asked dully, still not looking up at him.
“No,” Axel answered, barely refraining from snorting. “And will you fucking look at me?”
Ah, that got a reaction. Roxas was looking at him now, at least.
The blonde sighed. “What is it, Axel?”
Oh, wow. He actually remembered his name and he hadn’t called him an idiot. What a surprise.
“You aren’t like the others,” Axel began, gesturing towards Demyx, who happened to be the only other member of Organization XIII in sight at that moment. That statement was true enough: In the hours since they’d met, Axel had learned that the youth really wasn’t like the others.
“And being the gracious person that I am,” Axel continued, now pointing at himself, “I have decided to give you a second chance. You gotta come with me, though.”
“Oh?” The look on Roxas’ face changed from one of disinterest to one of doubt. Progress. Baby steps, but it was progress. “And just where are you expecting me to go? Somewhere you think you can kill me and cleverly dispose of my body in secret? That’s not going to happen.”
Axel scoffed. “I take offense to that. You’re supposed to come with me.” He enunciated slowly and carefully. “Just come on, okay? Not gonna kill you.”
Roxas now looked even more doubtful, but he eventually sighed again and said, “Not like I have anything better to do anyway.” It wasn’t exactly a declaration of trust and the boy didn’t sound enthused at all, but it was better than a dead-panned look and silence. At least Axel was getting more than that - and sarcasm - from him.
Roxas seemed more than a little reluctant to follow Axel, but he did follow. As a show of appreciation (or something like that), Axel bought him some of his own favorite ice cream along the way.
When they reached the top of the clock tower, the sun was just beginning to set. Perfect timing.
“This is my place,” Axel told him, and then he elaborated: “Not my place, exactly, but you know… I like to come here.” He’d never taken anyone else here, and even he himself wasn’t sure why he’d brought this brat here.
“It’s nice,” Roxas told him as he slowly lowered himself to a sitting position, his gaze focused on the setting sun. He didn’t look so disinterested now.
“It is,” Axel agreed, unceremoniously plopping down beside Roxas. “You should be grateful that I brought you to this place, kid.”
“It’s Roxas.” The blonde frowned at him, and then looked away. “And yeah. Thanks.” He paused, and then added: “I don’t know why you wanted to bring me here anyway, but don’t you dare call this a date, all right? Don’t get any funny ideas.” Was it possible that the kid was actually blushing?
Axel could have asked where in the hell that had come from, but he didn’t. Instead, he replied (no hesitation), “Nah. You’re not my type.”
That was the first time Roxas smiled at him, and Axel thought that maybe the kid wasn’t so bad, after all.
~*~
The first time Axel kissed Roxas, it was rushed and awkward and clumsy-nowhere near perfect. Their lips brushed together with barely enough pressure to be noticed at all, and Roxas didn’t even respond; he didn’t even try to kiss back.
It was Roxas, in fact, who broke the kiss, pulling away and staring incredulously at Axel. “What the hell was that all about?” he asked, and holy shit, that was the most expression that Axel had ever seen the boy display. It made him feel rather accomplished.
Axel shrugged, feeling calm and collected-the exact opposite of how Roxas seemed to be feeling at the moment. “It was a kiss, Roxas. A K-I-S-S. Surely you know what that is.”
Roxas’ cheeks turned pink. “I know what a kiss is, you idiot. I just want to know why you kissed me.”
That was actually something that Axel was wondering himself. Why had he kissed Roxas? He shrugged yet again. “Because you’re my best friend? Because you’re my partner in crime?” Because you’re the only one who really gets me? Because you’re the only one I like out of this godforsaken bunch? “Because I wanted to? Do I need a reason?”
Roxas was glaring at him now, eyes narrowed as opposed to widened. “You told me the day I met you that I wasn’t your type.”
At that time, Axel had been certain he was correct. He had been sure that a kid like Roxas could never be his type. Hell, he hadn’t even known that he had a type to begin with. However, throughout the course of their friendship, something had changed… or maybe nothing had changed at all and Axel had simply been incorrect to begin with.
“Maybe I was lying,” he told Roxas. “L-Y-I-N-G. Got it memor--”
“I possess the highly complex capability to spell,” Roxas interrupted dryly. “Just… don’t do shit like that without warning someone!”
So did that mean that Roxas wouldn’t mind if Axel kissed him again? That’s how Axel interpreted the younger boy’s words, anyway.
“All right,” Axel said, leaning in towards Roxas again. “I’m giving you your warning: I’m going to kiss you.”
Roxas didn’t try to stop him. Sapphire stared into emerald as their lips met, soft and tentative. Axel had kissed others before, but he had the feeling that Roxas hadn’t, and so he could take his time. He waited for the blonde to respond - to start kissing him back instead of merely yielding to him - before he slowly deepened the kiss, his gaze still holding Roxas’.
The youth’s lips parted and Axel took the opportunity offered, his tongue slipping past those oh-so-pliant lips and gently brushing against Roxas’. That was when the blonde gasped and pulled away, now red as a tomato. “Sorry,” he began, sounding more than a little flustered (and he’d never apologized to Axel before), “but I-I want to….” He trailed off, gesturing wildly with his hands, and Axel decided right then and there that he’d have to do this more often, because seeing Roxas like this was fun.
“Again?” Axel asked, and when Roxas nodded, he almost smiled. “Okay, but close your eyes this time.”
“Okay,” Roxas agreed, and when Axel leaned in to kiss him again, it was Axel himself who closed his eyes first.
He had to, lest he drown in all of that blue.
~*~
The first time Axel had sex with Roxas, it was rushed and maybe a little awkward (like their first kiss had been), but it was perfect too, in its own way.
It was well past midnight when Roxas came tiptoeing into Axel’s room; he could make out the blonde’s form immediately, even in the darkness.
“What’s up Roxy?” he asked as he sat up in bed, rubbing at his eyes. It was late and he’d been woken up, after all. He had a right to feel groggy.
“Don’t call me that,” Roxas said as he shut Axel’s door and moved further into the room, only stopping when he reached Axel’s bed. He settled himself on the edge of it, and Axel could feel the mattress sink slightly as Roxas’ weight was added to it.
“That’s not an answer Roxy,” Axel replied, ignoring the fact that Roxas had just told him not to call him ‘Roxy’. He reached out, pulling Roxas closer, and when the blonde didn’t try to push him away, he continued: “Tell me your reason for coming in here and waking me up when I was sleeping so well.”
Roxas buried his face against the redhead’s neck. His face felt awfully warm against Axel’s skin, and Axel realized it was because Roxas was blushing. Why was he blushing?
“I don’t… I can’t….” The blonde’s voice was muffled, but not thick with sleep as one’s voice would be if one had just recently woken up. This told Axel something else: Roxas hadn’t been sleeping.
“Gonna have to finish your sentence, you brat,” Axel told him, running his fingers along Roxas’ bare back, noticing only then that the boy wasn’t wearing a shirt. “I don’t have ESP, you know.”
Roxas sighed and lifted his head. “I want you to kiss me.”
Well, if that was what Roxas wanted, Axel would gladly oblige. He kissed Roxas slowly and lazily, because that was what sort of mood he was in, given the fact that he was still somewhat sleepy.
Roxas, however, didn’t seem to be in the same sort of mood as Axel. He seemed urgent and perhaps even a little… needy? But that wasn’t possible, was it? Roxas and needy weren’t exactly synonymous, so perhaps Axel’s still-sleepy mind was simply fabricating (hoping for) silly, impossible things.
When Axel broke away from the kiss (feeling considerably less sleepy), he said, “Did you come here for just a kiss?”
“No,” Roxas mumbled, shaking his head. “Listen. I’m… I. Uh. I’m tired of taking care of this myself.” He then took one of Axel’s hands and placed it between his legs and oh, that took Axel pleasantly by surprise.
Roxas was hard, and Axel was grateful that the blonde was currently only wearing his boxers (the kid could really be a genius when he wanted to be). Axel had been waiting for something like this to happen since he’d first kissed Roxas, and while things had gotten a little hot and heavy between them before, they’d never progressed this far, and Axel had never imagined that Roxas would do something as bold as this-not that he was complaining.
Axel pressed the flat of his palm against the head of Roxas’ erection, not yet moving his boxers out of the way, and he rubbed. The soft moan that Roxas made sent heat spiraling down to Axel’s lower belly. He sure as hell wasn’t sleepy anymore, in any case.
“You want me to take care of this for you?” Axel purred, daring to rub a little harder.
“Y-yes,” Roxas murmured, lifting his hips, and fuck, wasn’t that a surprisingly pretty sight? Axel wouldn’t mind seeing it more often.
“Well if you wanted me to do this for you before now, you could’ve said something,” Axel whispered as he reached into Roxas’ boxers and curled his fingers around the younger boy’s length, stroking slowly. “You could’ve had me instead of just fantasies of me while you jerked off.”
“How many times have you done the same thing?” Roxas retorted before moaning again, his head lolling forward until his forehead was resting on Axel’s shoulder. “God, Axel, that’s good.”
Roxas had him there. He’d spent several nights fantasizing about the blonde while masturbating, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to admit that now--not when Roxas was being a smart-ass about it. So he said nothing in reply, choosing instead to give Roxas another leisurely stroke before withdrawing his hand and shushing Roxas’ protest.
“So, there are a few ways I can do this,” he said, whispering the words against Roxas’ jaw. “Hand, mouth, or….” He let his sentence trail off then, figuring that Roxas would already know what he was getting at.
“Or what?” Roxas asked, tugging insistently at Axel’s shirt.
Okay, so maybe Axel had figured wrong. Or maybe Roxas was just screwing with him and was already two steps ahead of him. Given the blonde’s personality, it was probably the latter.
Axel let Roxas pull his t-shirt over his head, assisting by lifting his arms. “Or I could fuck you.”
”I vote for that option.” Roxas reached for Axel’s boxers and looked pointedly up at the redhead. Oh. Of course, he wouldn’t get anywhere with said boxers unless Axel laid back.
And Axel did, equally surprised and aroused at how Roxas seemed so much less nervous now (if it could have even been said that he seemed nervous in the first place), even given the newness of the situation. “You know what you’re voting for, kid?”
“Of course I know what I’m voting for,” Roxas snapped, making quick work of Axel’s boxers. His hands were trembling minutely, but Axel didn’t verbalize that he’d noticed it. “I’m not stupid. I know what sex is-I know I want that, with you.”
Axel had to bite back a groan at Roxas’ words. The blonde wanted him, and that made his self-control wobble just a little-made him forget that he wasn’t supposed to be giving Roxas the satisfaction of hearing or witnessing such weakness. But really, who the hell was he kidding? Had he ever possessed such a thing as self-control when it came to Roxas? “You know how to drive a guy insane without even touching him, y’know that?” he asked, even though he knew that the question would only inflate the other’s ego.
Roxas curled his fingers around Axel’s cock. “Maybe I could do that ‘touching’ part too.” He stroked slowly, just as slowly as Axel had stroked him, the motion seeming almost experimental. “I think we’d both enjoy it more if I touch you, anyway.” He brushed his thumb roughly over the tip, smearing precum. “Right?”
Axel’s hips jerked upwards of their own accord. “Where the hell did you learn to do that?” he asked, surprised at how husky his voice now sounded.
“On myself,” Roxas replied as though that were the only obvious answer (and yeah, Axel supposed it was). “I know enough to give a handjob, Axel, but I don’t think that’s what either of us is interested in right now.”
”So what do you want, then?” Axel asked, even though the Keyblade wielder’s had technically already answered that question, and Axel was pretty sure that Roxas hadn’t changed his mind this quickly. So sure, in fact, that he didn’t even wait for an answer - the answer - before he sat up and pushed Roxas back, almost whimpering at the loss of touch. Giving in to impulse, he leaned over the blonde and pressed his lips to his pale throat, sucking on Roxas’ Adam’s apple.
“You,” Roxas said, and there was no hesitation when he said it. Nor was there even a tiny hint of sarcasm (which was a quality that Roxas possessed a fair amount of). Axel could only detect need in the boy’s voice. Need for him, and Axel couldn’t have bothered to pause long enough to question whether Roxas could feel such a thing as need. He knew what he heard, damnit.
“All right,” Axel murmured, pressing a kiss to Roxas’ shoulder before removing the only remaining barrier between them-Roxas’ boxers. “Just let me get lube.”
What Axel was searching for was in the top drawer of his nightstand, which was where he’d always kept it since he’d purchased it. He hadn’t used it in a while, though-not since Roxas had stepped into his life, and he found that he, too, was trembling slightly as he squeezed some of the lubricant onto his fingers. It was as if this was entirely new to him. In a way, he supposed, it was.
“Don’t go slow,” Roxas told him, even as he gasped at the invasion of Axel’s index finger. “We’ve got time for that later.”
”My, my, aren’t you a pushy bottom?” Axel teased, slowly (even though Roxas had specified that he wasn’t in the mood for slow) thrusting that finger in and out of Roxas’ body before adding a second finger. Simultaneously, he fisted the boy’s erection with his free hand, distracting him from the probable (even if only slight) discomfort of stretching him.
“Shut up,” Roxas retorted, his fingers tangling in Axel’s red locks. The sound he made as he shoved his hips upwards into Axel’s fist might have been a mix between a moan and a whimper. Whatever it was, Axel wanted to hear more.
Axel scissored his fingers and then curled them, knowing that he’d found the spot he was searching for when Roxas cried out and rocked his hips down onto Axel’s fingers.
“Fuck,” Roxas hissed, tugging on Axel’s hair (and Axel realized then that he really liked the feel of Roxas’ fingers in his hair, even when - or maybe especially when - he pulled), “where’d you learn to do that?”
Axel grinned. “I’ve done this before,” he replied, wriggling his fingers and causing Roxas to make that sound again-that whimpery moan, or moany whimper, or whatever the hell it was. It didn’t matter. Axel liked it. “J-E-A-L-O-U-S~?” He was still teasing, of course, and he trusted Roxas to know that.
“Why should I be?” Roxas asked, sounding just as unconcerned and disinterested as the day that Axel had met him. “You’re with me now, aren’t you?”
Axel nodded. “I am,” he agreed. “I am, Roxas.” And then he had to stop talking; he had to practically bite down on his tongue to avoid saying something stupid.
He had to stop himself before he said words that he, being what he was, wasn’t even supposed to know the meaning of in the first place.
~*~
The last time Axel had sex with Roxas (though he didn’t know that it would be the last at that time), it wasn’t like their first time, save for the fact that Axel didn’t consider it any less perfect. They took their time, and Roxas didn’t protest the slow rhythm-didn’t try to tell Axel to hurry up, not like he had the first time.
Besides, Axel had learned something: He had learned that it was okay to take his precious time if he wanted to, because within fifteen minutes after orgasm, Roxas was ready for another round. Bless the stamina of the young.
Axel stretched beside Roxas and rolled over onto his side, propping his elbow on the mattress and resting his chin on his hand. “Ready for round two?” he asked as he trailed the fingers of his other hand down Roxas’ chest, pausing to pinch and roll his nipples.
“You’re insatiable,” Roxas replied, shifting slightly. Axel noted with satisfaction that the blonde had spread his legs a little further apart-an unconscious action on his part, certainly, but no less enjoyable.
“You’re a fine one to talk,” Axel said as he fit himself between his lover’s thighs. “You’re getting hard again.” He ground his hips against Roxas’ just to prove his point, and he smirked. “Yep. Definitely getting hard again, Roxy~.”
As if in retaliation, Roxas shoved his hips upwards, and Axel swallowed his groan, not wanting to let the brat one-up him.
“Yeah, well so are you,” Roxas replied with a wicked little grin as he placed his hands on Axel’s hips and pulled Axel closer, forcing their bodies to fit more tightly together (and Axel had to admit that maybe the kid had one-upped him for now, but that wouldn’t last long). “And don’t call me Roxy.”
“Maybe we should do something about our problems then,” Axel suggested before leaning down and circling his tongue around Roxas’ nipple. “I promise I can make it worth your while.” In an effort to show Roxas just how he could fulfill his promise, he began kissing his way down the front of the blonde’s body, pausing to tease at the most sensitive spots.
As expected, fingers tangled into his hair and tugged. “I know you can, but listen to me. I need to talk to you about something.”
“What, now?” Axel asked, dipping his tongue into Roxas’ bellybutton. Really, couldn’t it wait until later? What was more important than this right now?
“Y-yes,” Roxas stuttered, tugging ineffectually at Axel’s hair yet again (there was no way in hell that Axel was going to stop now).
“Well you’ll just have to talk while I’m doing this.” Axel continued his downward journey, stopping only when he reached the coarse hair surrounding the base of Roxas’ length. He pressed a kiss there and smiled, showing teeth. “You can handle that, can’t you?”
So maybe he was being a little cruel, but he’d more than make up for the teasing.
Roxas didn’t answer verbally, but he gave Axel a look that clearly said ‘bring it on’, and that’s exactly what Axel did: He slid down a bit more and without further pause or teasing, he took Roxas’ cock into his mouth and deep-throated him in one motion in lieu of taking him in inch by inch (as he often did, simply for the pleasure of driving his lover insane).
Roxas mewled and bucked his hips, his hold on Axel’s hair tightening. “Axel! You’re making it-fuck! You’re making it hard--”
“I know,” Axel interrupted smugly before swallowing the blonde’s length again, adding suction this time.
“Hard to think, stupid!” Axel didn’t have to look to know that Roxas was blushing. “And it’s important!”
Axel drew back until just the head of Roxas’ cock was still in his mouth, and he swiped his tongue over the tip. He could taste pre-cum-he could taste Roxas. He could smell sex (and Roxas). He could feel Roxas shuddering beneath him. He could see the youth fighting not to react (and losing because he reacted anyway). He could hear Roxas, too-he could hear his own name falling from the blonde’s lips.
The combination of what Axel could taste, smell, feel, see, and hear was making him dizzy; it was making him feel drunk, almost.
“So tell me what you want to tell me Roxy,” he breathed, releasing a soft sound of his own when Roxas tugged roughly on his hair.
“I was thinking, you know,” Roxas began, and Axel could hear the boy’s hesitation. He could feel that same hesitation in the slight tensing of Roxas’ body. “Thinking about the Keyblade. And about… the other part of me.”
Axel barely refrained from rolling his eyes at that. Roxas had brought the subject up before and had told Axel that he wondered why things were the way they were, but it hadn’t gone further than that. Hell, couldn’t the brat pick a better time to bring the subject back up, anyway? A time, for instance, when Axel wasn’t going down on him?!
Axel’s only response was to suck harder. It worked for a minute or two-Roxas didn’t say a damn thing but Axel’s name along with a few choice expletives, but that didn’t last nearly long enough. It seemed that today, the blonde just wouldn’t let himself get distracted from whatever it was that he wanted to say.
Within moments, Roxas was struggling to rediscover his train of thought, which was the last thing that Axel wanted. “I want to find the answers for myself, so I’m leaving.”
The words were said in a rush and they were somewhat garbled, not to mention spoken softly. Therefore, Axel didn’t believe that Roxas had said what he thought he’d said. Surely, the boy wouldn’t be so stupid. Leave? He’d never said anything like that before.
Axel pulled back again and gazed down at Roxas. “Tell me that you didn’t just say you’re leaving.” He didn’t sound at all desperate or angry-he sounded calm and controlled, which was how he wanted to sound (and how he should’ve sounded, anyway).
“I’m leaving,” Roxas repeated, softer than before, his fingers leaving Axel’s hair.
It was beginning to sink in now after hearing it twice; Axel hadn’t misheard him at all. He’d just hoped that he had. “You can’t be serious.” But he already knew the answer to that, too. He could see it in Roxas’ eyes.
“I am serious, Axel. I need to--”
“Stop it,” Axel interrupted, abruptly sitting up. “Just… stop, all right?” He left the bed and got dressed, ignoring the fact that he could feel the blonde’s eyes on him as he did so.
Maybe Axel wasn’t acting his age (then again, did he ever?) but the thought of Roxas leaving the Organization - the thought of Roxas leaving him - after all that had transpired was not something that Axel could bring himself to think about, much less agree with or approve of. He had to get out, and now, before Roxas said something else to make the situation worse. He couldn’t talk to Roxas, not when the boy was acting like this.
“Where are you going?” Roxas asked as Axel headed for the door. His tone was still soft and maybe even uncertain now.
Axel looked briefly over his shoulder. “Out. Find me when you’re ready to start saying things that make sense again.”
And as he shut the door, he told himself that Roxas couldn’t have possibly looked hurt, because Roxas was a Nobody just like (and completely unlike) the rest of them, and Nobodies didn’t shoulder emotional pain.
~*~
The last time Axel kissed Roxas, he made sure that it was deep and lingering, and he kept his eyes open, not caring if he did drown in a sea of sapphire, because maybe that way…
Maybe that way, Roxas would see how badly Axel wanted him to stay.
They hadn’t spoken for four days-not since their argument. Or rather, not since Axel had stormed off during sex, leaving Roxas lying on his bed. He had refused to speak to the blonde again until he came to his senses.
Apparently, he hadn’t come to his senses yet.
Axel wasn’t fond of wandering around by himself anymore. He’d gotten used to the company-to Roxas’ company, he supposed. Even so, he was still who he was (stubborn as ever) and he refused to give in first. He’d be damned if he was going to go looking for Roxas after what he’d said to stupid kid. No, Roxas would have to find him.
And Roxas did find him, on the outskirts of town, leaning against one of the taller buildings. Roxas approached him and Axel glanced at the younger boy, but otherwise gave no sign of acknowledgment.
“I don’t like not speaking to you, Axel,” Roxas said as if it was more than just a mere statement-as if it meant something (and to Axel, it did, but it wasn’t enough).
“Are you ready to stop saying stupid things?” Axel asked, still refusing to meet the Keyblade wielder’s gaze. He felt that he already knew the answer to this question, but he asked anyway.
“I still have things I want to say to you,” Roxas replied, stepping closer. “You’re not going to like what I have to say, though.”
Axel snorted. So he was going to sing the same tune he’d sung four days (nights) ago, huh? That being the case, no, Axel didn’t want to hear it. “So why bother telling me, then?”
”Because I need you to listen!” Roxas almost yelled. “I need you to understand. I need you to know.” He turned around then, no longer facing Axel as he continued: “I’m leaving the Organization.”
Hearing Roxas say that a third time was like a physical blow. Didn’t he know what he was getting himself into?! “Not a good idea. You get on their bad side, and they’ll kill you.” He hoped that that, at least, would have some impact and would give Roxas pause.
It didn’t. “No one would miss me.” Roxas sounded like he believed it, too. Maybe he did.
You idiot! That was what Axel wanted to say, but he didn’t. “That’s not true!” He wasn’t yelling, even though he wanted to do that, too, because maybe it would make Roxas realize… “I would.”
Roxas turned around, now facing Axel once more, his features softening. “I have to, Axel. Don’t you get it? I have a heart. I have another half. I’m not whole. Sora. He’s… he’s me, and I’m him. And he has to know about the Keyblade….” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Don’t you see?”
”No,” Axel replied firmly, “I don’t, Roxas.” He didn’t see what Roxas wanted him to see. If he was blind, then so was Roxas, for not understanding that he wouldn’t feel whole without the blonde here with him (a complete oxymoron, since he wasn’t whole to begin with-nothingness could never be whole). The blind leading he blind. That meant they were heading nowhere.
Nowhere was a place fit for Nobodies, though, right?
“I just have to know, Axel. And in order to get my answers, I’ll have to find him.” It was apparently the only option available that Roxas would accept.
Axel didn’t see it as the only acceptable option. In fact, Roxas leaving wasn’t anywhere near an acceptable option, in his opinion. “And then what?” he asked, not even realizing that he was clenching his fists. “You find him, and then what? You know what I think’ll happen? I think you’ll find this Sora with this heart you’re looking for, and then you won’t be Roxas anymore. You won’t be you. Got it memorized?”
Roxas blinked and then narrowed his eyes slightly. “But he is me.”
“No.” Axel shook his head. “Only you are you. No-one else is you, Roxy.”
Roxas sighed. “Axel, let’s… let’s talk about this later, okay?” He took several steps forward, closing the distance between them and sliding his arms around Axel’s middle. Axel let him.
Axel didn’t want to talk about it later; he didn’t want to talk about it at all, but he was pretty sure he didn’t have a choice in the matter. “Roxas, you--”
“Just kiss me, Axel,” Roxas interrupted, gazing up at him. “Can’t you do that?”
Axel almost told him no. Axel almost pushed him away, but he didn’t do either of those things. Instead, he pulled Roxas closer and kissed him, eyes open and searching, and Roxas kept his eyes open too. Lips met first, then tongues, and Roxas relaxed against him, relenting.
When they broke apart for air, Axel wanted to believe that Roxas would say that he’d changed his mind. He wanted very badly for Roxas to say that this whole thing had been a joke.
“I’m a Nobody right now, Axel. When I find Sora, I’ll be a Somebody.”
He hadn’t changed his mind. This wasn’t a joke.
Axel pulled Roxas closer and tried to determine how he could possibly convince the blonde that he was already - and always had been - a Somebody in his eyes.
~*~
The last time Axel took Roxas to the clock tower, it felt somewhat similar to the first time he’d taken him there. Though they weren’t fighting now (Axel had tried his best to persuade Roxas to stay-he’d yelled and fought with him and he’d apologized and nearly pleaded with him, but it had all availed to nothing), things weren’t exactly okay between them. They’d gotten off to a rocky start, and it seemed that things would be rocky here at the end as well.
Axel knew the end of their relationship - if it could even be called that - was near; he knew Roxas wouldn’t stick around for much longer. Better to make the remaining days (or hours or minutes-hell, he didn’t even know) count, right?
“Let’s go,” Axel said before poking Roxas in the back with an index finger.
Roxas looked up at him, head tilted to one side and brows knitted together as though he were trying to figure out just what Axel had in mind. “Where are we going?”
Axel rolled his eyes. “Where do you think we’re going, Roxy? Where do we usually go just before sunset?”
He half-expected Roxas to tell him ‘Don’t call me Roxy’ as he typically did, but he hadn’t told him that for a while now-another sign that things just weren’t right between them. Axel didn’t like it.
Yet again, Axel found that his expectations were not the same as the actual result, because Roxas only nodded and said, “Okay.”
They stopped for ice cream like they had countless times before, and they settled down at their usual spot to watch the sun set. It had been Axel’s favorite spot, and now it was their favorite spot. Soon, Axel would be coming here by himself again, and he knew that nothing would ever be the same. Nothing was the same with Roxas here, and nothing would be the same when he left. Quite a paradox, but it made sense to Axel.
They didn’t talk about Roxas’ inevitable departure. They didn’t talk about anything at all, in fact. That was okay with Axel-might as well start getting used to the silence, he figured.
When Roxas slid closer, Axel wound an arm around him and simply held him. What he really didn’t like about this was the fact that even though he was holding Roxas now, it already felt like the blonde was a million miles away, in another world, without him.
“Don’t you dare call this a date, all right?” Roxas suddenly said, echoing the very same words he’d said that first day. “Don’t get any funny ideas.”
His voice couldn’t have possibly been tinged with sadness or regret. Axel couldn’t have possibly heard the slightest tremble in the boy’s voice.
Or maybe it could’ve, and maybe he did, because Roxas had a heart out there somewhere.
Axel’s smile couldn’t have possibly been considered rueful or even slightly bitter as he replied, “Nah. You’re not my type.”
The stinging sensation in Axel’s eyes couldn’t have possibly been tears, just as the almost-pain in his chest couldn’t have possibly been heartache, because he was a Nobody and he didn’t have a heart out there anywhere.
And if he didn’t have a heart, then he couldn’t have possibly been experiencing heartache ( heartbreak), could he?
Of course not.
~*~
The last time Axel saw Roxas (a glimpse of blonde and black before the boy was swallowed by darkness), there were no long and drawn-out goodbyes. Axel was thankful for that, because he wasn’t familiar with goodbyes. He’d never bid farewell to anyone before. He didn’t even tell Roxas goodbye.
He did, however, tell him that they’d meet again.
Roxas didn’t look over his shoulder, and Axel was glad for that too, because it already felt like he was empty-completely devoid of everything, and he knew that if their eyes met, that feeling (that nothingness) would only intensify. Then again, wasn’t that all he was supposed to feel to begin with, since he was a Nobody? Nothing?
He had, before Roxas. After Roxas, he’d felt something.
Axel didn’t try to stop him; Roxas’ mind was made up and the brat could be just as stubborn as Axel himself sometimes. He simply watched as his best friend, partner, and lover all rolled into one walked away and then vanished into the darkness, heading for who-knew-where.
No, Axel knew. Roxas was going to find Sora, wherever he was. Sora… the lucky bastard.
Roxas had turned his life upside-down when he’d entered it, and now that he’d left it, things were right-side-up again, but Axel didn’t like this right-side-up world. It had been good enough for him when Roxas hadn’t been part of his life, but now it was just ugly and empty, and he found himself already wanting the wholeness that the upside-down world had given him.
But that life, that world… Roxas was gone now, and Axel had watched him go.
He’d once heard that when you love someone, you can let them go. Pretty words, but they meant nothing to him. They were sentimental words meant for the ears of those with hearts. Perhaps those with hearts would believe and follow such ridiculous sayings, but Axel did not have a heart and he didn’t believe in such maudlin sayings. He didn’t follow what he didn’t believe in.
Thus it was easy enough for Axel to reject those words. He would not let Roxas go. He’d watched him leave, that much was true, but he would not let him go. He’d find the blonde again (and now there was determination mixing with the nothingness), whether he was in this world or some other world that Axel wasn’t familiar with.
He’d find Roxas, and maybe then they’d be able to pick up where they’d left off.
Determination and hope now, along with the ever-present nothingness, and maybe that hope was even more dangerous because it was foreign to him, just like all of those other feelings that he wasn’t supposed to be capable of possessing.
There was more than nothing-there was something, and Axel, being a Nobody, wasn’t supposed to recognize something, much less have the ability to comprehend it.
But then again, Axel had never been the type to follow the standards set for Nobodies.
And maybe now it was time to listen to something - to follow something - instead of merely contenting himself with nothing, because nothing wasn’t the only thing in his world anymore-not since the moment he’d first laid eyes on that blue-eyed, blonde-haired brat.
Roxas had given him more than nothing. Roxas had given him something, and Axel, Nobody or not, wasn’t about to just let his something go.
~END~
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Whew. This was a lot of fun to write but it also wanted to give me a little trouble in some places. Mainly the end, because it wanted to be longer than I had originally intended it to be. That’s okay though, because I like this ending. ^________^ I’m hoping that you all enjoyed it, too~!