Lastnight
Ryan said something to me last night that I haven't been ale to stop thinking about.
He asked me when the last time was I did something for myself.
And I thought really hard.
I couldn't remember.
And I realized that I do everything in my life for someone else.
Everything.
I don't have any hobbies or any alone time because the second I have it I give it up or realize that there is something else that I need to be doing or someone that I need to be with.
It boiled down to the thing that I always knew, but never really noticed how sad it really was.
I always say yes. Every single person that wants some of my time gets a Yes answer.
I can't say no.
I don't even know what I would do with time to myself. I got close last week when on an impulse I bought a movie. So I went home and spent like 10 minutes setting up my surround sound and then realized that I didn't have the power cord for it. And then realized that instead of watching a movie I should do homework, so I did. And in 2 seconds my alone time of doing something for myself with myself disappeared.
Every minute of every day is scheduled and devoted to someone else. Doing something for someone else.
I need a vacation, only I can't afford one and can't take the time from work or school to have one.
My last vacation to Germany wasn't really for myself, it was for Rachael. It was about Rachael, and hanging out with her. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast and I'm so glad I went and I loved every minute of it. (And would do it again in a heartbeat!) But if Rachael wasn't in Germany, I wouldn't have gone.
I just dont have time for me. I don't even know what I like to do. (Which scientifically has some relevance to being an introvert... but anyway)
I'm not saying that I don't know myself, because I think I have a pretty good grasp on who I am.
I just don't know what I like to do. I like to do stuff with other people.
This is turning into a stupid rant so I'm stopping. Not that it wasn't a stupid rant to begin with, but whatever.
It's just thrown me through a loop.
I think I want to go away by myself for a sabbatical. Without my phone, which I am so damn attached to.
But I doubt I would last long. I just don't know what I would do. I would get bored really fast.
He asked me when the last time was I did something for myself.
And I thought really hard.
I couldn't remember.
And I realized that I do everything in my life for someone else.
Everything.
I don't have any hobbies or any alone time because the second I have it I give it up or realize that there is something else that I need to be doing or someone that I need to be with.
It boiled down to the thing that I always knew, but never really noticed how sad it really was.
I always say yes. Every single person that wants some of my time gets a Yes answer.
I can't say no.
I don't even know what I would do with time to myself. I got close last week when on an impulse I bought a movie. So I went home and spent like 10 minutes setting up my surround sound and then realized that I didn't have the power cord for it. And then realized that instead of watching a movie I should do homework, so I did. And in 2 seconds my alone time of doing something for myself with myself disappeared.
Every minute of every day is scheduled and devoted to someone else. Doing something for someone else.
I need a vacation, only I can't afford one and can't take the time from work or school to have one.
My last vacation to Germany wasn't really for myself, it was for Rachael. It was about Rachael, and hanging out with her. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast and I'm so glad I went and I loved every minute of it. (And would do it again in a heartbeat!) But if Rachael wasn't in Germany, I wouldn't have gone.
I just dont have time for me. I don't even know what I like to do. (Which scientifically has some relevance to being an introvert... but anyway)
I'm not saying that I don't know myself, because I think I have a pretty good grasp on who I am.
I just don't know what I like to do. I like to do stuff with other people.
This is turning into a stupid rant so I'm stopping. Not that it wasn't a stupid rant to begin with, but whatever.
It's just thrown me through a loop.
I think I want to go away by myself for a sabbatical. Without my phone, which I am so damn attached to.
But I doubt I would last long. I just don't know what I would do. I would get bored really fast.