I'm scared
Things are moving farther and faster with Benny.
I don't get it.
He's what I've always told myself is the perfect guy. The guy that I've always wanted.
He's smart, he's attractive, he's a total sweetheart, he does outreach to the gay community, he's stable, he knows what he wants in life, he has his shit together, he is financially stable (not meaning rich... he's financially stable the American way... which means in debt - but the fact is that he has the financial ability to own a condo), he takes care of me, he makes dinner & breakfast for me, he ALWAYS opens the car door for me (and waits for me to get in to shut it), he's a complete gentleman. And he really like me. He's honest with me and tells me how he feels about me. He's prefect in an imperfect way. He's perfect for me. He's really the guy I've always wanted.
And yet, when I'm with him, it's awkward. It could be that this is still new. We're aren't even officially boyfriends or anything, we've just been spending a lot fo time together. But I'm holding myself back because I don't want to hurt him. I know that I can't loev him. And I can already see the conversation that we'll have down the road. (If things get there)...
He'll say "I love you first" and I'll just smile back, happy that he said it, yet completely fearfull of what I am going to say back. Because he will see it in my eyes the second after he says it... he will know that I wont say it back. I really want to be able to fall in love with Benny. But for some reasno I know I can't. Again, perhaps its just too soon to tell, but I'm pretty sure that the time will come when I will have to explain to him that I can't love him. I don't know if I ever can.
I love Ryan. And despite how pissed off at him I've gotten and all the bad things I've said about him, I made a promiss that I can't break. And trust me, I don't want to love Ryan. I know he will only hurt me. But we all know love is uncontrolable. There just isn't room in my heart for anyone other than him.
I could go on with Benny, spend the rest of forever with him, be his boyfriend, his partner, his husband, father of children with him, share a home and life together and die with him. And be happy and have a successful life that anyone would be proud of. But I would never fully love him. But people do this all the time right? How long did we have (and still have in some places) arranged marriages where everything worked out and everyone ended up happy?
I just don't know if I can do this to myself and to Benny. Another week, another decade?
I don't want to hurt him, which means I don't want to tell him, but the longer I wait to tell him, the more involved things will get and the more it will hurt later.
I hate you Ryan, you've ruined my life. I will never be able to love another. I hope you burn in hell for making me love you.
But I love you. And I always will.
I will go down with this ship, there will be no white flag above my door.
I don't get it.
He's what I've always told myself is the perfect guy. The guy that I've always wanted.
He's smart, he's attractive, he's a total sweetheart, he does outreach to the gay community, he's stable, he knows what he wants in life, he has his shit together, he is financially stable (not meaning rich... he's financially stable the American way... which means in debt - but the fact is that he has the financial ability to own a condo), he takes care of me, he makes dinner & breakfast for me, he ALWAYS opens the car door for me (and waits for me to get in to shut it), he's a complete gentleman. And he really like me. He's honest with me and tells me how he feels about me. He's prefect in an imperfect way. He's perfect for me. He's really the guy I've always wanted.
And yet, when I'm with him, it's awkward. It could be that this is still new. We're aren't even officially boyfriends or anything, we've just been spending a lot fo time together. But I'm holding myself back because I don't want to hurt him. I know that I can't loev him. And I can already see the conversation that we'll have down the road. (If things get there)...
He'll say "I love you first" and I'll just smile back, happy that he said it, yet completely fearfull of what I am going to say back. Because he will see it in my eyes the second after he says it... he will know that I wont say it back. I really want to be able to fall in love with Benny. But for some reasno I know I can't. Again, perhaps its just too soon to tell, but I'm pretty sure that the time will come when I will have to explain to him that I can't love him. I don't know if I ever can.
I love Ryan. And despite how pissed off at him I've gotten and all the bad things I've said about him, I made a promiss that I can't break. And trust me, I don't want to love Ryan. I know he will only hurt me. But we all know love is uncontrolable. There just isn't room in my heart for anyone other than him.
I could go on with Benny, spend the rest of forever with him, be his boyfriend, his partner, his husband, father of children with him, share a home and life together and die with him. And be happy and have a successful life that anyone would be proud of. But I would never fully love him. But people do this all the time right? How long did we have (and still have in some places) arranged marriages where everything worked out and everyone ended up happy?
I just don't know if I can do this to myself and to Benny. Another week, another decade?
I don't want to hurt him, which means I don't want to tell him, but the longer I wait to tell him, the more involved things will get and the more it will hurt later.
I hate you Ryan, you've ruined my life. I will never be able to love another. I hope you burn in hell for making me love you.
But I love you. And I always will.
I will go down with this ship, there will be no white flag above my door.