love.
I got this letter from Kim after i returned home from my crazy gaycation hitchhiking trip to shasta lake, then up to seattle with Beck (and thats a whole nother story). the letter was sweet, and comfirming all the things i felt and thought in a higher elevation beside a beautiful green lake. sitting on rocks and skipping stones, just to create an even more effective ripple in the water by throwing our whole bodies in there. i dont think anyone has witten me anything like that before, so fucking real and not meant to be poetry but just kinda came out that way. the way i make hir feel...
but how do i respond to this?
ive got the gut feeling but not the words, and i dont want to say "love" because i feel like this feeling is much too fluid where such a simle/complex word could never fit. and she hasnt said it. but im choosing to remain silent as to fuck the system of it, but also out of the simple fear that love becomes casual. never in my life do i want that again. and Lizzy said it perfectly last night at the bar, "love is a word you use for the intense spectrum of feelings you have for another person" and she said it positively but it just made me a little more bitter becuase thinking of it as a blanket term didnt seem to help. sort of like the word queer is an umbrella term for everything fluid about sexuality and gender... and to be used with empowerment at first as if you just came out of the closet exlaiming "im Queer!" to the world but its still another label in the end. similarly telling the person that you love them, in that first moment where everything outside of yourself floats and becomes non-existent compaired to the buzzing particles in your body telling you this is "love". afterwards becoming this casual expectation of words floating out of your mouth on a daily basis, at the end of every letter, the end of every telephone call, leaving for the day/week/month/(year?), pauses between breaths during sex... etc. bleeding confirmation that after the first time its said we need it to be heard/said again. i dont want that fucking pressure... but still, my skin and hands know- moving across hir body when i come home late at night and sneak into hir bed. my blood cells know and chase eachother from each end of my body screaming it when ze's fucking me. and mostly the big squishy part of me above and center knows.
maybe in the end im just rebelling from the systematic use of language and i know kim doesnt let any word describe hir and we'll just keep it and come up with clever ways to tell eachother.
its been almost 5 months. its so nice to be able to speak or not speak with someone who wont talk to me in that bendy passive aggressive sort of tone that puts hooks in your week parts and makes you question everything momentarily. but more than that... ive just never questioned it.
but how do i respond to this?
ive got the gut feeling but not the words, and i dont want to say "love" because i feel like this feeling is much too fluid where such a simle/complex word could never fit. and she hasnt said it. but im choosing to remain silent as to fuck the system of it, but also out of the simple fear that love becomes casual. never in my life do i want that again. and Lizzy said it perfectly last night at the bar, "love is a word you use for the intense spectrum of feelings you have for another person" and she said it positively but it just made me a little more bitter becuase thinking of it as a blanket term didnt seem to help. sort of like the word queer is an umbrella term for everything fluid about sexuality and gender... and to be used with empowerment at first as if you just came out of the closet exlaiming "im Queer!" to the world but its still another label in the end. similarly telling the person that you love them, in that first moment where everything outside of yourself floats and becomes non-existent compaired to the buzzing particles in your body telling you this is "love". afterwards becoming this casual expectation of words floating out of your mouth on a daily basis, at the end of every letter, the end of every telephone call, leaving for the day/week/month/(year?), pauses between breaths during sex... etc. bleeding confirmation that after the first time its said we need it to be heard/said again. i dont want that fucking pressure... but still, my skin and hands know- moving across hir body when i come home late at night and sneak into hir bed. my blood cells know and chase eachother from each end of my body screaming it when ze's fucking me. and mostly the big squishy part of me above and center knows.
maybe in the end im just rebelling from the systematic use of language and i know kim doesnt let any word describe hir and we'll just keep it and come up with clever ways to tell eachother.
its been almost 5 months. its so nice to be able to speak or not speak with someone who wont talk to me in that bendy passive aggressive sort of tone that puts hooks in your week parts and makes you question everything momentarily. but more than that... ive just never questioned it.