Just joined!
Hi for a long i wanted share this, i'm a english student and this fic is a little project i wrote to improve my english hope at least you post some comments not matter if they are rocks :P...
bye!
KC
Title: Secret
Author: KC
Fandom: Master &Commander the movie.
Pairings: Tom Pullings/Stephen Maturin/Jack Aubrey, Tom Pullings/OC.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: POV, Some angst, chan slash, violence, bad words, sex explicit.
Disclaimers: Not mine of course, they belong to Patrick O'Brien and Peter weir,
Summary: Lieutenant Tom Pullings fell in love with the wrong person.
Notes: Mi first fic written in English from M&C *ouch* because I've already written one in my first language, this story is based only in the movie, I haven't had the pleasure to read the novels, and not for my own will where I live I haven't got any book yet, so this fic is out of the context from the books and if you read it and found some incoherence it's because I don't know the novels although I think it's going to be probably because I need to practice more my English ;(. So you can laugh, or just ignore it, I will be able to stand it.
I've hurt you, my love
I've tore your soul up
Please understand me
Everybody knows who am I
But that one who I am
It's also a man
For you.
On you I doubt, fall
And raise myself burning up
You among all the human beings
You've got the right
To see me weak.
And your sweet hand
of bread and guitar
has to touch my chest
when is going to fight.
For that I'm seeking the steady stone from you.
Rough hands in your blood I stick
Seeking your steadiness
And the depth I need,
And if I don't find
But your laugh of metal, if I don't find
Nothing where hold my hard steps,
beloved, take
My sadness and my anger
My enemy hands
Destroying you a little
So that you raise up from the clay,
Made again for my fights.
The hurt, Pablo Neruda
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I almost feel miserable when I see this charming and intelligent man by captain’s side, and when I see he's really happy with him that makes me feel more miserable, doomed……jealous because I'm not the Captain, o just simply because I don't have this man with me, yes I know their secret, they are together, but it isn't like everybody says or think; "the Captain and his best friend the doctor". No, it's "the damn Captain and his doctor lover", yes they are lovers, truly lovers, happy lovers……. and thinking about this makes a big pit on my stomach, on my heart.
"Stephen, don't you want to know my secret now?. It's simple I love you and I suffer because you are not mine"- I cry this out inside my mind each time I have his pale face in front of mine.
I don't know how long I could keep hold of my feelings, these torturer and beautiful feelings for this fascinating man who I'm always fantasizing about, losing in my own ravings, imagining that I holding him, caressing him, kissing his pale slender frame, loving him…, yes I'm lost for the doctor, really lost since he has stared at me with his celestial eyes, those ravishing blue eyes that swallow me entire, and makes me look like a fool, finding myself jabbering and stuttering when he approaches me and asks me simple questions about the sea and navigation, and it's no the only moment I feel lost for him, I do every day that he is close to me, that I hear him, I see him…mornings and evenings never mind, he has got me dreaming all time, it could be while I watch him walking distracted on the deck or reading, never realizing that my eyes are fixed on him, or just if I listen to him laughing exquisitely and loudly at one of those stupid jokes of the captain during the dinner, making that his sweet laughter still remains floating inside my head, even if the dinner is over and I'm alone.
-"Hell doctor I never could be happy again until I share my secret with you!!!"- I grunt when the dinning room is empty.
Maybe I'm losing my mind for him but I cannot prevent it, he's a marvelous and precious human being, I don't care if he's a man like me, love doesn't have borders and the sex doesn’t either, love it's just love and when you need it you have to take it, and Stephen is what my lonely soul needs, I need him, I need to love him, touch his marble skin, kiss his pale rose lips, rake my fingers through his soft hair that is red shining under the sun when the mischievous wind blows his hat off, and I run to pick it up for him, brushing intentionally his silky hands with mine, then surprisingly he sweetens my lieutenant's pride with his peaceful and kind voice, "Thanks you Mr. Pullings" he says turning all too soon for my disenchantment and walking away from me, leaving me alone, desiring more words from his pretty mouth, more of his presence next to me, cursing myself over and over because he's not mine or he cannot be mine, I cry for this night after night, I want to him so much but It's not possible, Doctor Maturin belongs to Captain Jack, who is master of this ship and Stephen's body and heart.
I recognize I'm an ambitious man who always got whatever I wish, and I could got Stephen using fiercely my enchanting ways that I used to use with capricious ladies in the past, but this be almost a sacrilege if I do it, I can't take him away from the Captain so easily and freely, I have to say I mustn't although I'm suffering and feeling my heart cracks, the reason so obvious, my duty has to be stronger than my love, my desire…..and I'm duty-bound to Captain Jack an admirable man that never forgets to praise me when I do my work correctly and criticizes me harshly when I do a mistake, I respect and obey him above all, despite sometimes I can't avoid hating him until the death and be envious of him because he has what I've most desired in this life.
Looking into my mind, I still remember when I arrived to the Surprise and I met Stephen, immediately I was taken with him, his invaluable enchantments and wittiness as well as his beautiful blue eyes mesmerized me completely, from then on I always tried to be close to him and strike up a conversation between us as much as it was possible, he's a man of intelligent words and his knowledge of medicine, naturalism and life in general of course impressed me greatly, but also his entire lack of arrogance, actually he's a humble person that never is showing off his wisdom, when he talks to you about a theme that he entirely mastered it, it's not with the intentions to humiliate you or make you to look like a ignorant, he does it because he really loves to speak about things that impassions him, move his heart, I knew it since the first of our long and frequents conversations, that day his gorgeous eyes was gleaming with passion and his pale cheeks were slightly colored in red with excitement, it was a beautiful picture of him that I hardly could forget it.
In one of those meeting I was very glad to discover that he hadn't a wife waiting for him on land or wasn't engaged or interested in any woman, what it was odd for an utterly handsome and charming man who could get any lady that he wanted, so from my point of view and based in my own experiences he was a man that didn't really like women, I grinned even better at this thought, it meant he was single because he wanted a male partner but was too afraid looking for one, that was a normal fear, ever since our strict society and the Crown condemned the sodomy a gross way for me to name what I simply considered a different kind of love, but if you were discreet, you could survive, I did it.
He seemed being alone, so I had my chance with Stephen and I was full of illusions about him, maybe excessively, I thought he was a romantic loner as me devoted himself to his work and passions to reward his lack of love, so I wanted so much to help him and be that male partner for him, be the tender hearted lover that his sensitive love needed, but I was in a big mistake, not only he already had someone next to him, but also he was really bonded to him, bonded to Jack Aubrey, his best friend……, I couldn't imagine it, Jack is a married man but I guess he doesn't care about it because he loves so much Stephen and he's always with him, much more time of what he shares with his wife, I went wrong thinking they were only "good friends", but I did it, until the day I discovered them, my misfortune couldn't be so much the worse.
This is one of my damn memories I want to get out of my mind, the day I saw Stephen on Captain's arms but it's not so easy to forget it not when it hurts so bad, awfully it's still fresh on my head, I still see myself that night, that clear and quiet night after my guard mounting when I fixed my eyes on the scintillating sky's stars and then finally decided to open my heart to Stephen. With my heart beating wildly and my blood rushing I headed for his cabin but it was empty, he wasn't there, I thought he was still playing with his friend, so I went to the Captain's cabin my heart now was pounding and my hands wet with sweat but before I was knocking the door, I heard noises not like the fiddle’s or cello’s, they were like groans, some of them I could recognize like Stephen's voice, feeling myself too confused and very curious I didn't care this time to knock the door, I just took the latch and slightly I opened it then I froze, they weren't playing any shit, in fact they were onto the wooden floor, naked utterly naked and fucking hard to my horror, with his clothes scattered in everywhere on the shining floor, and Stephen straddled over Captain's groin, groaning and panting incessantly while was pushing himself up and down, taking Captain's cock entirely in his ass, Jack was whining too, thrusting hard into Stephen and cupping his buttocks tightly without to stop moving his lips on his sweaty and pale neck, I wanted to run away but couldn't I was too horrified and perturbed to do it, I stayed there with wide-eyed and my hands and body frozen; finally the Captain raised his hips pounding the slender and trembling doctor's body and with a grunt he came into him, I watched the slimy seed seeping out of Stephen's ass between his shaky thighs when Jack drew his cock out of his butt and took him down onto the floor, they lay down together, very exhausted and still panting, the Captain reached out his muscled arms for Stephen who curled up to him and kissed his mouth with passion, that was enough for me to leave the door and running away to my own cabin.
I was angry I've never been in my life, very angry and disappointed, I threw up all the things I stumbled on my cabin, table, chairs, all the goddamned furniture, and of course all the damn Stephen's books that he had lent me, I threw one by one at the wall, kicking out all my fury, my jealousy, my destroyed love, he really tore me apart, because I was really in love with him, what do I say I am yet.
That night ended up with me made shit and my cabin made shit, I was stood over a mess of chairs knocked, papers and books strewn about the room and myself was a mess, my hair was untied, my uniform out of place, and I was sweaty and panting, trying hardly to choke my tears back, but it was impossible I collapsed onto the floor crying for Stephen, crying for what never would happen between us.
-"You really hurt me doctor!!!"-
I fell asleep thinking about my frustrated lover, and then I was over his beautiful naked body, his skin so pale and soft under my fingertips, I leaned and took his mouth, it was so sweet and warm, when I left his lips he was smiling at me, I felt so happy, I finally got him, Stephen finally was mine, I brushed his dark brow hair and started laughing I never felt so happiness in my heart, suddenly he put his long legs round my waist and giving me a mischievous glance with those pretty blue eyes, he whispered "Fuck me Tom", I didn't even nod or say something, I just began to fucking him hard, getting myself deeper and deeper into him, he was groaning loudly and grinning at the same time, but I wasn't feeling happy as before, actually I wasn't happy any longer, instead I was feeling anger and hate, hatred of Stephen, I just wanted to hurt him, hurt him so much, so I was fucking him wildly and evilly, ramming my hard cock over and over inside his guts, now he was screaming with pain, but I didn't care about it, I was delighted in seeing him suffers, yelling out in pure pain, with his blue eyes unfocused and full of tears, this time my thrusts were so brutal that his blood was dripping from his butt and bathing in red his legs and my groin but I didn't stop and I went on fucking him harder, laughing like maniacal while he was getting paler and bleeding to death.
I woke up abruptly with my shirt wet and stuck on my chest and back, and I was horrified by this bad dream, and by the idea to hurt Stephen, so I decided to put my feelings aside and continue my life without thinking about him anymore.
But I couldn't.
The more I tried to forget him less I got it, this was getting me more frustrated and pissed off, the next days after that night were a really hell, when I saw Stephen close to the Captain I wanted to yell in angry and tear my hat up, but I got self control to myself and many times I drowned my sorrows and frustrations in drink or fucking some of lads on board, It wasn't enough to forget him but at least they were good company in the hellish weeks of my life.
Now I don't drink so much as I did during those days of my heartache what it caused me several punishments and reprimands from the Captain because I was late for my guards, but I still fuck young sailors, they aren't so beautiful, touchy and intelligent like my Stephen, I have to say they are uncouth and rather ignorant, but however their faces are pretty yet and some of them are so pale and delicate like the girls’ , of course I don't love any of them, they are a good ride nothing else, my heart still belongs to the doctor, even when I'm laying down on my hammock with a lad putting his arms round my chest I think about Stephen, and I imagine this smooth and pale body next to me is his.
In these days we dropped anchor in a Dutch port for a few weeks, I took advantage of stretch my legs and drink some rum in the wharf's pubs, as usual Stephen stayed close to the captain, both of them were always taking walks in the village or in the sunflower fields, he was particularly amazed for these big rounded yellow flowers and I watched when Jack bought a big bunch of them for him in the wharf's free market, he was delighted like a lady in love, of course I felt jealous and I was getting sick just thinking about how Stephen would thank the Captain in the night for this charming gesture of love.
-"Fascinating flowers"- Stephen turned towards me and I had to hold a sigh back, he was so beautiful that shining morning at the wharf, his skin so pale as usual at the same time he was dressed in a beige suite that contrasted with the bunch of yellows flowers clutched to his chest.
-"Oh Mr. Pullings!…. Yes, yes, I've always felt fully fascinated for the sunflowers, Jack bought them for me, what it was good because this time I didn't pull them up from the ground"- He smiled his eyes so blue and clear like the sky above us.
-"Ah! it means Captain Aubrey bought these flowers for you only for your botanical interests"- Stephen looked at me with bewildering face, I hated to be sarcastic with him but it wasn't my fault, I was just a jealous and in love man.
-"Naturally"- He smiled at me, I could notice he was forcing himself to lie me.
-"Were you looking for Jack?, he is in that delicatessen store right there, you know he loves cheese, and I'm waiting for him here, I'm not really fond of cheese"- He added quickly, switching our before conversation.
-"No, I was just walking around here when I saw you and I decided to say you hello"- I replied.
-"Oh well It's getting late, it's almost noon, could you excuse me I'm going to get Jack"-He said glancing at his watch.
-"Sure"-
-"We're meeting for lunch in the principal village's pub, would you like to join us?"-
-"I'd love to, but some friends are already waiting for me right here in a pub of the wharf"- I lied, to spend the rest of the afternoon watching how "friendly" is Jack with Stephen it was the last thing I wanted to do.
-"Well we'll say you later Mr. Pullings"- He said moving away.
-"I'll see you Doctor"- I sighed, one more afternoon of loneliness was waiting for me.
The ship hoisted the sails and soon we were sailing again, new sailors boarded the Surprise, all of them from different ages, elders, middle aged men and lads, among these last ones a blonde boy caught my attention while the Captain was checking the new crew and I was by his side, I couldn't avoid to fix my eyes on him, he was the more beautiful lad despite he looked a bit puny and was wearing shabby and dingy clothes, but his face was pale and quite cute, his hair charmingly curly and his fascinating eyes blue shining like the sky, quickly I was attracted to this little angel, in the next weeks it was easy for me to talk with the boy and know about his life, he was pretty kind and it seemed he liked to tell me about him. I knew his name was Anselm, he was a 15 years boy and he was born in a little town near Amsterdam but his parents died when he was younger, so he had almost spent all his life in orphanages, however when he was 12, he run away and decided to be sailor, I felt compassion for him, because he had grew up practically alone without the love and warm from a family, just only with the company from other boys and some of them were really bastard with him, I couldn't imagine a life among the cold walls of a orphanage, so I thanked God for having my mother and father when I was a kid.
Anselm and me became friends quickly, he is a good companion and he has helped me a little to forget Stephen, I don't sleep with him as I do with the other young sailors despite it was my first intention when I met him, but he looked to me so childish and innocent I preferred having him just like a friend, he always comes to my cabin in the evenings since I offered to help him to get better his reading because he was too slow with the books, I teach him with the Stephen's books, he has showed big fascinated by them specially by the insect pictures.
-"I think is enough for today"- I close the thick book in front of us and I turn my head to look at the boy sitting next to me.
His blue eyes are staring at me and then he get closer, this time I can see clearly the funny freckles on his face, and feel the sweet scent of his golden curls and from his skin, "Perhaps he has bathed with a scented soap", I think, very surprised and intoxicated by this new scent of his body.
-"I got a bath today because I wanted to be pretty for you"- the boy grinned.
-"What?"-
-"Sir I will be yours this night and when you wish it"- he whispers and now his delicate nose is tipping mine.
-"Anselm you don't have to do this, I'm helping you because I consider you my friend, you don't need to pay me even less with sex!"- I replied bewildered.
-"It's not a pay, I want to be yours because I like you so much, you don't like me? I know you sleep with other lads I could be a better lover for you, I'm prettier and more cultured "-he says not hiding his vanity.
-"You are still a child, so it's better you go to sleep it's getting late"- I said indifferent to his words, the boy pouted and then suddenly he kisses me on my lips fiercely and starts licking them like a wild kitten, I tried to push him aside but I couldn't I really desired to fuck his beautiful body, but I was holding it back because I didn't want to take advantage of him, but now he was offering himself to me freely I didn't want to waste the opportunity to possess him.
-"Let's go to my hammock"- I barely replied unsticking my lips from his and drawing him to my hanging bed.
The boy was right he was a better lover, his tender body and his beautiful face were a lustful treasure for me, and I was in a wrong to believe he was a innocent and virginal child, Anselm was very experienced about the arts of love, he has pleased me greatly, I was curious to know how he had got such experience in sex, he was utterly honest with me and that night when we slept for first time, he confessed me just after he had run away from the orphanage, he was a rent boy for a while because he hadn't nothing and he needed money to eat, but after few moths he was sick of selling his body to please dirty old men night after night, so he decided to do something less degrading like prostitution and be sailor was his better option, I was horrified to listen to that, he had suffer so much that I couldn’t imagine it, I felt guilty because I had given in to my lust and fucked him without care he was a human being with feelings and no a cute lad else to please me, the boy noticed my worry and then he kissed me, whispering me and reassuring me that he was mine for his own will, because he liked me so much, my guilt feelings dissolved like sugar in water as soon as I stared at his angelic eyes and I kissed his cherry lips, after all it was good this little angel fell in my arms.
I made Anselm my usual lover and I say usual because he's the only one that I've accepted in my hammock more than once, it doesn't mean I'm in love with the boy, I really like him, he's a such angel, but I don't love him, the doctor is still deep into my heart, and it isn't easy to get him out of it, however I suspects the boy is loving with me, I've watched he often gets angry and jealous when I'm friendly with other lads or talk with Stephen and he's always after me what is a problem because he neglects his duties on the ship and causes me troubles with the Captain who is suspecting of my relationship with the lad, I've told him off for all these things many times but he's still so childish and he always answers me with tears in his pretty eyes that he's sorry about it and he won't do it never again but they are just silly promises from a immature boy and I don't trust him, and I was right to do it, an evening after the dinner the young Blakeney burst into my cabin yelling out that some sailors were fighting in their compartments, when I got there, there was a big mess, the men were screaming and I found Anselm slapping and scratching fiercely another lad who was barely defending under him, I ordered immediately they were separated and punished, more later and very angry I questioned the blonde boy the reasons for he made such scandal and then he told me, he had slapped that slut because the lad was fond of me and had intentions to became my next lover, of course I got angrier for this, how he dared to make such racket putting my position at risk and worse the Captain's confidence in me, just only for his silly and out of place jealous, I was really mad at him I even wanted so much to give him a slap in his beautiful face but I restrained myself and I decided finish our relationship or whatever we had, as usual he was crying and begging that I forgave him, whimpering like a little child that he loved me so much and he couldn't live without me, but this time his disobedience was really serious and I couldn't forgive him.
I left Anselm behind and I tried to continue my life without more complications, but in a few weeks the boy was new in my life again, he fainted suddenly while ha was on the deck, Stephen told me the lad hadn't tried any food in days, I suspected he wasn't eating because he was fully sorrowful for our break-up, and for that reason he had fainted, the boy was too weak to stand himself, the doctor persuade him to eat some food, but Anselm refused to open his pale mouth.
He was so stubborn.
-"The boy is too pale and weak, and I'm afraid of if he doesn't eat anything in the next days he's going to die".- Sentenced my dear Stephen fully worried.
-"I'm going to talk with him"- I said very worried too, I didn't want the boy was dying just for my fault.
To talk with the boy and give him another chance, it was the best I've done, Anselm was too pale when I met him that I was afraid of he was already a ghost, his angelical and white face was so happy to see me, that immediately I felt remorse for having been too strict with the lad, when I took his tender hand my pride melted and then I wanted him back to me.
-"I'm so sorry Sir, I didn't want to cause trouble to you, but my love for you blinds me"- he whispered with tears running down his pale cheeks.
-"Don't worry boy, I've already forgot it, now try to eat something, would you do it for me?"-Anselm nodded and I was pleased with his answer.
The boy recovered soon and he was sleeping with me again, it was good because I really felt alone and miserable in the nights that his tender and warm body wasn't next to me in my hammock, he's behaving himself now, and he already seems not to get jealous when I see other lads but I've watched he's always in a mood when I'm close to Stephen, however his bad mood not get further and he has never been rude with the doctor, even during the nights after our lovemaking he just stays quiet and never asks me about my feelings for Stephen.
-"I love you Sir, I've never loved anyone in my life like you"-The boy whispered on my neck while was caressing my bared chest.
-"What?, stop saying that shit, I don't like it!"- I growled, turning my face and stirring uncomfortably on my side.
-"I love you"-
-"Stop saying it!!!! You’re really making me angry I warn you!!!, I hate love, it's shit!"-
I replied angrily, I knew I was being unfair with the boy and his feelings for me and in fact I was overreacting for this, but I was negative about love, its just simple word remembers myself my failure with Stephen.
-"My sir…- He cried clasping himself in my chest.
-"I said stop!!!, don't you understand???, whatever shit you say doesn't mean anything for me!!! Because I don't love you and I don't have the minimum intentions to do it, you know what? I'm really tired of you and your drama HELL!- I grunted pushing the lad away.
He was downcast and crying silent for a while but sudden he raised his blonde head and stared at me, the blue of his eyes was so profound as ever that I felt myself sinking into the sea.
-"But you love him"- He murmured.
-"What the hell are you saying lad?"- I asked rudely, getting out of my hammock.
-"You love doctor Maturin, I've watched the way you look at him and I know you are in love with him!"- He cried out.
-"Yes, hell I love him! So?, I could love and fuck anybody, I'm not engaged to you, you are just a pretty lad I use to fuck every night and I think I'm really getting tired of you, I never shouldn’t to fuck you!!"- I said indifferent.
-"I can't believe you are really mean to say that Sir, it's too cruel!! And it's hurting me too much!!!- He whimpered his tears were bathing his pale face.
-"Just get out here; I don't to want to go on hearing you!!"- I yelled at him.
-"I love you Sir, you don't know how much I do, but you played with me…..with my feelings, I was just a fling for you, a whore!!! I'm tired to be a whore!!!! And you used me like one!!! That I cannot stand it anymore, I'm not going to be a fucking whore to anybody NEVER AGAIN!!! "-
- "Anselm what the hell are you going to do with my sword????, Put the damned sword down!!!!, NO!!!!!-
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One week later
-"I don't understand why did the boy do this to you?, he's really mad, thanks goodness he made only a scar on your face and not something worse like to stab your chest"-
-"He did it, because I hurt his heart like you did with mine"-
-"What?, What do you mean?"-Stephen asked me very confused; putting the cotton down that he was rubbing on my face's wound.
-"You doctor has hurt me so deeply as nobody has never done it before!!"- I hissed clasping his hands in mine.
-"You are scaring me Tom!!, let go of my hands!!, you are hurting me!"- He gasped
-"I love you Stephen, I love you madly! Now you finally know my secret"-I said satisfied and before the doctor was able to react I was kissing his lips very hard almost wildly, with all my anger, desire and frustrated love accumulated into my heart for so long in those hellish days.
I had made love to him right there over his desk, my desire for his precious and thin body was burning me up and making me lose my mind, actually I had already lost it when I touched his warm mouth and I clutched his face under my fingers, thinking to hell with everything even my duty and loyalty to Jack but then Stephen slapped me hard in my face and I realized what I was doing it was a complete and utter craziness, you can't never force the love, not even if you want it badly.
-"Dear me!!, what the hell is happening to you Tom??, perhaps everybody is getting mad in this damned ship and I haven't noticed it yet!!! You really scared me!! Goddamned!- He cried out angrily his face now was fully blushed and I noticed his body was trembling.
-"Sorry if I scared you, but…."- I excused myself, feeling still his slap burning in my cheek.
-"But what?, you tell me you love me and suddenly you kiss me like a crazy! I think I deserve a explanation"- his angry blue eyes fixed on me
-"Yes you do but it’ s shit, because I know you love Jack and you never going to stop doing it"-I said bitterly
-"What happens between jack and me it's not your business and anybody else "- He replied embarrassed.
-"Don't worry their secret is safe with me, as I hope you don't tell Jack what happened here today, I promise I'll never try to kiss you again, I perfectly know what is my place"- I leaned towards him and then he tensed".
-"You'll always be in my heart Stephen although yours belongs to Jack- I whispered in his ear and finally I stood and walked to the door.
-"Sorry if I hurt you Tom but Jack and me…."- He replied sadly.
-"You don't have to, our hearts are free to love anybody, and my heart went wrong this time"- I murmured leaving his cabin and my illusions behind.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-"Please open the cage"- I ordered to the guard.
-"Yes Sir, I'm going to be close in case the lad attempts to do something"-
-It won't be necessary, he's still a good boy despite he made it"- I said getting in the cage, I fixed my eyes on everywhere and it was dull and not very clean, I felt very sad for the boy who I found sitting in a dark corner with his head between his knees .
-"How you doing boy?"-I called him he raised his head and his blonde curls were swinging over his pale face.
-"I feel terrible because I hurt you with that sword, I'm so sorry.. Sir I really didn't mean to do it"- The boy cried
-"It wasn't serious, you only made me a scar "- I replied brushing the thin slash on my face.
-"What is going to happen to me???, am I going to be hanged?- His body trembled
-"Of course no, you didn't kill anybody, I talked with the Captain and when we arrived to England, you're going to go to a place where somebody will look after you- I replied softly clutching one of his shoulder.
-"A orphanage? I don't want to come back there!! Please sir!- He whimpered.
-"It's not a orphanage is more like a hospital, they are going to take care of you, you really need it because you have suffered so much and you need to heal, you're going to be fine boy trust me"- I soothed him.
-"I'm going to see you one day again?"-he asked anguished.
-"Yes, we even could write us letters, and when I got to London again I'm going to visit you, I promise you"- I smiled at him and the boy seemed to be pleased.
-"I know you hate to hear this, but I love you, I really do it because despite what happened, nobody has treated me so kind like you did it, you were truly gentle with me Sir and that I'll appreciate it forever"- his voice was so sweet and calm to my ears and his blue eyes so clear and shining of hope that for a moment I was believing in love again.
-"I love you too, this is going to be our little secret"- Anselm was grinning widely I wanted to taste his tender lips once more.
++++++++++++++
It's been months since I took Anselm to a mental hospital and I really miss him, before I left him there, I assured myself he stayed in a quiet room with all he'd need and far away from troubles, I know he's going to get better and leave behind all his traumas and emotional problems caused for living in dull orphanages and cruel streets close to evil men who abused him, he's a strong boy despite he looks like a fragile angel, I've even thought he's stronger than me because he never quit or stopping believe in the existence of love even when the people were more cruel or hurt him badly, I never thought to say it, but the lad really if touched my heart.
Maybe the next year I'll visit him and we could pass time together, I'm not sure if this going to work or making me more happy, but I have hope because the love is hope and I think I could love him, yes I can feel it now inside me, this is the more fascinating secret of the life for me.
The hearts love and are hurt but they can heal soon.
FIN
bye!
KC
Title: Secret
Author: KC
Fandom: Master &Commander the movie.
Pairings: Tom Pullings/Stephen Maturin/Jack Aubrey, Tom Pullings/OC.
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: POV, Some angst, chan slash, violence, bad words, sex explicit.
Disclaimers: Not mine of course, they belong to Patrick O'Brien and Peter weir,
Summary: Lieutenant Tom Pullings fell in love with the wrong person.
Notes: Mi first fic written in English from M&C *ouch* because I've already written one in my first language, this story is based only in the movie, I haven't had the pleasure to read the novels, and not for my own will where I live I haven't got any book yet, so this fic is out of the context from the books and if you read it and found some incoherence it's because I don't know the novels although I think it's going to be probably because I need to practice more my English ;(. So you can laugh, or just ignore it, I will be able to stand it.
I've hurt you, my love
I've tore your soul up
Please understand me
Everybody knows who am I
But that one who I am
It's also a man
For you.
On you I doubt, fall
And raise myself burning up
You among all the human beings
You've got the right
To see me weak.
And your sweet hand
of bread and guitar
has to touch my chest
when is going to fight.
For that I'm seeking the steady stone from you.
Rough hands in your blood I stick
Seeking your steadiness
And the depth I need,
And if I don't find
But your laugh of metal, if I don't find
Nothing where hold my hard steps,
beloved, take
My sadness and my anger
My enemy hands
Destroying you a little
So that you raise up from the clay,
Made again for my fights.
The hurt, Pablo Neruda
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I almost feel miserable when I see this charming and intelligent man by captain’s side, and when I see he's really happy with him that makes me feel more miserable, doomed……jealous because I'm not the Captain, o just simply because I don't have this man with me, yes I know their secret, they are together, but it isn't like everybody says or think; "the Captain and his best friend the doctor". No, it's "the damn Captain and his doctor lover", yes they are lovers, truly lovers, happy lovers……. and thinking about this makes a big pit on my stomach, on my heart.
"Stephen, don't you want to know my secret now?. It's simple I love you and I suffer because you are not mine"- I cry this out inside my mind each time I have his pale face in front of mine.
I don't know how long I could keep hold of my feelings, these torturer and beautiful feelings for this fascinating man who I'm always fantasizing about, losing in my own ravings, imagining that I holding him, caressing him, kissing his pale slender frame, loving him…, yes I'm lost for the doctor, really lost since he has stared at me with his celestial eyes, those ravishing blue eyes that swallow me entire, and makes me look like a fool, finding myself jabbering and stuttering when he approaches me and asks me simple questions about the sea and navigation, and it's no the only moment I feel lost for him, I do every day that he is close to me, that I hear him, I see him…mornings and evenings never mind, he has got me dreaming all time, it could be while I watch him walking distracted on the deck or reading, never realizing that my eyes are fixed on him, or just if I listen to him laughing exquisitely and loudly at one of those stupid jokes of the captain during the dinner, making that his sweet laughter still remains floating inside my head, even if the dinner is over and I'm alone.
-"Hell doctor I never could be happy again until I share my secret with you!!!"- I grunt when the dinning room is empty.
Maybe I'm losing my mind for him but I cannot prevent it, he's a marvelous and precious human being, I don't care if he's a man like me, love doesn't have borders and the sex doesn’t either, love it's just love and when you need it you have to take it, and Stephen is what my lonely soul needs, I need him, I need to love him, touch his marble skin, kiss his pale rose lips, rake my fingers through his soft hair that is red shining under the sun when the mischievous wind blows his hat off, and I run to pick it up for him, brushing intentionally his silky hands with mine, then surprisingly he sweetens my lieutenant's pride with his peaceful and kind voice, "Thanks you Mr. Pullings" he says turning all too soon for my disenchantment and walking away from me, leaving me alone, desiring more words from his pretty mouth, more of his presence next to me, cursing myself over and over because he's not mine or he cannot be mine, I cry for this night after night, I want to him so much but It's not possible, Doctor Maturin belongs to Captain Jack, who is master of this ship and Stephen's body and heart.
I recognize I'm an ambitious man who always got whatever I wish, and I could got Stephen using fiercely my enchanting ways that I used to use with capricious ladies in the past, but this be almost a sacrilege if I do it, I can't take him away from the Captain so easily and freely, I have to say I mustn't although I'm suffering and feeling my heart cracks, the reason so obvious, my duty has to be stronger than my love, my desire…..and I'm duty-bound to Captain Jack an admirable man that never forgets to praise me when I do my work correctly and criticizes me harshly when I do a mistake, I respect and obey him above all, despite sometimes I can't avoid hating him until the death and be envious of him because he has what I've most desired in this life.
Looking into my mind, I still remember when I arrived to the Surprise and I met Stephen, immediately I was taken with him, his invaluable enchantments and wittiness as well as his beautiful blue eyes mesmerized me completely, from then on I always tried to be close to him and strike up a conversation between us as much as it was possible, he's a man of intelligent words and his knowledge of medicine, naturalism and life in general of course impressed me greatly, but also his entire lack of arrogance, actually he's a humble person that never is showing off his wisdom, when he talks to you about a theme that he entirely mastered it, it's not with the intentions to humiliate you or make you to look like a ignorant, he does it because he really loves to speak about things that impassions him, move his heart, I knew it since the first of our long and frequents conversations, that day his gorgeous eyes was gleaming with passion and his pale cheeks were slightly colored in red with excitement, it was a beautiful picture of him that I hardly could forget it.
In one of those meeting I was very glad to discover that he hadn't a wife waiting for him on land or wasn't engaged or interested in any woman, what it was odd for an utterly handsome and charming man who could get any lady that he wanted, so from my point of view and based in my own experiences he was a man that didn't really like women, I grinned even better at this thought, it meant he was single because he wanted a male partner but was too afraid looking for one, that was a normal fear, ever since our strict society and the Crown condemned the sodomy a gross way for me to name what I simply considered a different kind of love, but if you were discreet, you could survive, I did it.
He seemed being alone, so I had my chance with Stephen and I was full of illusions about him, maybe excessively, I thought he was a romantic loner as me devoted himself to his work and passions to reward his lack of love, so I wanted so much to help him and be that male partner for him, be the tender hearted lover that his sensitive love needed, but I was in a big mistake, not only he already had someone next to him, but also he was really bonded to him, bonded to Jack Aubrey, his best friend……, I couldn't imagine it, Jack is a married man but I guess he doesn't care about it because he loves so much Stephen and he's always with him, much more time of what he shares with his wife, I went wrong thinking they were only "good friends", but I did it, until the day I discovered them, my misfortune couldn't be so much the worse.
This is one of my damn memories I want to get out of my mind, the day I saw Stephen on Captain's arms but it's not so easy to forget it not when it hurts so bad, awfully it's still fresh on my head, I still see myself that night, that clear and quiet night after my guard mounting when I fixed my eyes on the scintillating sky's stars and then finally decided to open my heart to Stephen. With my heart beating wildly and my blood rushing I headed for his cabin but it was empty, he wasn't there, I thought he was still playing with his friend, so I went to the Captain's cabin my heart now was pounding and my hands wet with sweat but before I was knocking the door, I heard noises not like the fiddle’s or cello’s, they were like groans, some of them I could recognize like Stephen's voice, feeling myself too confused and very curious I didn't care this time to knock the door, I just took the latch and slightly I opened it then I froze, they weren't playing any shit, in fact they were onto the wooden floor, naked utterly naked and fucking hard to my horror, with his clothes scattered in everywhere on the shining floor, and Stephen straddled over Captain's groin, groaning and panting incessantly while was pushing himself up and down, taking Captain's cock entirely in his ass, Jack was whining too, thrusting hard into Stephen and cupping his buttocks tightly without to stop moving his lips on his sweaty and pale neck, I wanted to run away but couldn't I was too horrified and perturbed to do it, I stayed there with wide-eyed and my hands and body frozen; finally the Captain raised his hips pounding the slender and trembling doctor's body and with a grunt he came into him, I watched the slimy seed seeping out of Stephen's ass between his shaky thighs when Jack drew his cock out of his butt and took him down onto the floor, they lay down together, very exhausted and still panting, the Captain reached out his muscled arms for Stephen who curled up to him and kissed his mouth with passion, that was enough for me to leave the door and running away to my own cabin.
I was angry I've never been in my life, very angry and disappointed, I threw up all the things I stumbled on my cabin, table, chairs, all the goddamned furniture, and of course all the damn Stephen's books that he had lent me, I threw one by one at the wall, kicking out all my fury, my jealousy, my destroyed love, he really tore me apart, because I was really in love with him, what do I say I am yet.
That night ended up with me made shit and my cabin made shit, I was stood over a mess of chairs knocked, papers and books strewn about the room and myself was a mess, my hair was untied, my uniform out of place, and I was sweaty and panting, trying hardly to choke my tears back, but it was impossible I collapsed onto the floor crying for Stephen, crying for what never would happen between us.
-"You really hurt me doctor!!!"-
I fell asleep thinking about my frustrated lover, and then I was over his beautiful naked body, his skin so pale and soft under my fingertips, I leaned and took his mouth, it was so sweet and warm, when I left his lips he was smiling at me, I felt so happy, I finally got him, Stephen finally was mine, I brushed his dark brow hair and started laughing I never felt so happiness in my heart, suddenly he put his long legs round my waist and giving me a mischievous glance with those pretty blue eyes, he whispered "Fuck me Tom", I didn't even nod or say something, I just began to fucking him hard, getting myself deeper and deeper into him, he was groaning loudly and grinning at the same time, but I wasn't feeling happy as before, actually I wasn't happy any longer, instead I was feeling anger and hate, hatred of Stephen, I just wanted to hurt him, hurt him so much, so I was fucking him wildly and evilly, ramming my hard cock over and over inside his guts, now he was screaming with pain, but I didn't care about it, I was delighted in seeing him suffers, yelling out in pure pain, with his blue eyes unfocused and full of tears, this time my thrusts were so brutal that his blood was dripping from his butt and bathing in red his legs and my groin but I didn't stop and I went on fucking him harder, laughing like maniacal while he was getting paler and bleeding to death.
I woke up abruptly with my shirt wet and stuck on my chest and back, and I was horrified by this bad dream, and by the idea to hurt Stephen, so I decided to put my feelings aside and continue my life without thinking about him anymore.
But I couldn't.
The more I tried to forget him less I got it, this was getting me more frustrated and pissed off, the next days after that night were a really hell, when I saw Stephen close to the Captain I wanted to yell in angry and tear my hat up, but I got self control to myself and many times I drowned my sorrows and frustrations in drink or fucking some of lads on board, It wasn't enough to forget him but at least they were good company in the hellish weeks of my life.
Now I don't drink so much as I did during those days of my heartache what it caused me several punishments and reprimands from the Captain because I was late for my guards, but I still fuck young sailors, they aren't so beautiful, touchy and intelligent like my Stephen, I have to say they are uncouth and rather ignorant, but however their faces are pretty yet and some of them are so pale and delicate like the girls’ , of course I don't love any of them, they are a good ride nothing else, my heart still belongs to the doctor, even when I'm laying down on my hammock with a lad putting his arms round my chest I think about Stephen, and I imagine this smooth and pale body next to me is his.
In these days we dropped anchor in a Dutch port for a few weeks, I took advantage of stretch my legs and drink some rum in the wharf's pubs, as usual Stephen stayed close to the captain, both of them were always taking walks in the village or in the sunflower fields, he was particularly amazed for these big rounded yellow flowers and I watched when Jack bought a big bunch of them for him in the wharf's free market, he was delighted like a lady in love, of course I felt jealous and I was getting sick just thinking about how Stephen would thank the Captain in the night for this charming gesture of love.
-"Fascinating flowers"- Stephen turned towards me and I had to hold a sigh back, he was so beautiful that shining morning at the wharf, his skin so pale as usual at the same time he was dressed in a beige suite that contrasted with the bunch of yellows flowers clutched to his chest.
-"Oh Mr. Pullings!…. Yes, yes, I've always felt fully fascinated for the sunflowers, Jack bought them for me, what it was good because this time I didn't pull them up from the ground"- He smiled his eyes so blue and clear like the sky above us.
-"Ah! it means Captain Aubrey bought these flowers for you only for your botanical interests"- Stephen looked at me with bewildering face, I hated to be sarcastic with him but it wasn't my fault, I was just a jealous and in love man.
-"Naturally"- He smiled at me, I could notice he was forcing himself to lie me.
-"Were you looking for Jack?, he is in that delicatessen store right there, you know he loves cheese, and I'm waiting for him here, I'm not really fond of cheese"- He added quickly, switching our before conversation.
-"No, I was just walking around here when I saw you and I decided to say you hello"- I replied.
-"Oh well It's getting late, it's almost noon, could you excuse me I'm going to get Jack"-He said glancing at his watch.
-"Sure"-
-"We're meeting for lunch in the principal village's pub, would you like to join us?"-
-"I'd love to, but some friends are already waiting for me right here in a pub of the wharf"- I lied, to spend the rest of the afternoon watching how "friendly" is Jack with Stephen it was the last thing I wanted to do.
-"Well we'll say you later Mr. Pullings"- He said moving away.
-"I'll see you Doctor"- I sighed, one more afternoon of loneliness was waiting for me.
The ship hoisted the sails and soon we were sailing again, new sailors boarded the Surprise, all of them from different ages, elders, middle aged men and lads, among these last ones a blonde boy caught my attention while the Captain was checking the new crew and I was by his side, I couldn't avoid to fix my eyes on him, he was the more beautiful lad despite he looked a bit puny and was wearing shabby and dingy clothes, but his face was pale and quite cute, his hair charmingly curly and his fascinating eyes blue shining like the sky, quickly I was attracted to this little angel, in the next weeks it was easy for me to talk with the boy and know about his life, he was pretty kind and it seemed he liked to tell me about him. I knew his name was Anselm, he was a 15 years boy and he was born in a little town near Amsterdam but his parents died when he was younger, so he had almost spent all his life in orphanages, however when he was 12, he run away and decided to be sailor, I felt compassion for him, because he had grew up practically alone without the love and warm from a family, just only with the company from other boys and some of them were really bastard with him, I couldn't imagine a life among the cold walls of a orphanage, so I thanked God for having my mother and father when I was a kid.
Anselm and me became friends quickly, he is a good companion and he has helped me a little to forget Stephen, I don't sleep with him as I do with the other young sailors despite it was my first intention when I met him, but he looked to me so childish and innocent I preferred having him just like a friend, he always comes to my cabin in the evenings since I offered to help him to get better his reading because he was too slow with the books, I teach him with the Stephen's books, he has showed big fascinated by them specially by the insect pictures.
-"I think is enough for today"- I close the thick book in front of us and I turn my head to look at the boy sitting next to me.
His blue eyes are staring at me and then he get closer, this time I can see clearly the funny freckles on his face, and feel the sweet scent of his golden curls and from his skin, "Perhaps he has bathed with a scented soap", I think, very surprised and intoxicated by this new scent of his body.
-"I got a bath today because I wanted to be pretty for you"- the boy grinned.
-"What?"-
-"Sir I will be yours this night and when you wish it"- he whispers and now his delicate nose is tipping mine.
-"Anselm you don't have to do this, I'm helping you because I consider you my friend, you don't need to pay me even less with sex!"- I replied bewildered.
-"It's not a pay, I want to be yours because I like you so much, you don't like me? I know you sleep with other lads I could be a better lover for you, I'm prettier and more cultured "-he says not hiding his vanity.
-"You are still a child, so it's better you go to sleep it's getting late"- I said indifferent to his words, the boy pouted and then suddenly he kisses me on my lips fiercely and starts licking them like a wild kitten, I tried to push him aside but I couldn't I really desired to fuck his beautiful body, but I was holding it back because I didn't want to take advantage of him, but now he was offering himself to me freely I didn't want to waste the opportunity to possess him.
-"Let's go to my hammock"- I barely replied unsticking my lips from his and drawing him to my hanging bed.
The boy was right he was a better lover, his tender body and his beautiful face were a lustful treasure for me, and I was in a wrong to believe he was a innocent and virginal child, Anselm was very experienced about the arts of love, he has pleased me greatly, I was curious to know how he had got such experience in sex, he was utterly honest with me and that night when we slept for first time, he confessed me just after he had run away from the orphanage, he was a rent boy for a while because he hadn't nothing and he needed money to eat, but after few moths he was sick of selling his body to please dirty old men night after night, so he decided to do something less degrading like prostitution and be sailor was his better option, I was horrified to listen to that, he had suffer so much that I couldn’t imagine it, I felt guilty because I had given in to my lust and fucked him without care he was a human being with feelings and no a cute lad else to please me, the boy noticed my worry and then he kissed me, whispering me and reassuring me that he was mine for his own will, because he liked me so much, my guilt feelings dissolved like sugar in water as soon as I stared at his angelic eyes and I kissed his cherry lips, after all it was good this little angel fell in my arms.
I made Anselm my usual lover and I say usual because he's the only one that I've accepted in my hammock more than once, it doesn't mean I'm in love with the boy, I really like him, he's a such angel, but I don't love him, the doctor is still deep into my heart, and it isn't easy to get him out of it, however I suspects the boy is loving with me, I've watched he often gets angry and jealous when I'm friendly with other lads or talk with Stephen and he's always after me what is a problem because he neglects his duties on the ship and causes me troubles with the Captain who is suspecting of my relationship with the lad, I've told him off for all these things many times but he's still so childish and he always answers me with tears in his pretty eyes that he's sorry about it and he won't do it never again but they are just silly promises from a immature boy and I don't trust him, and I was right to do it, an evening after the dinner the young Blakeney burst into my cabin yelling out that some sailors were fighting in their compartments, when I got there, there was a big mess, the men were screaming and I found Anselm slapping and scratching fiercely another lad who was barely defending under him, I ordered immediately they were separated and punished, more later and very angry I questioned the blonde boy the reasons for he made such scandal and then he told me, he had slapped that slut because the lad was fond of me and had intentions to became my next lover, of course I got angrier for this, how he dared to make such racket putting my position at risk and worse the Captain's confidence in me, just only for his silly and out of place jealous, I was really mad at him I even wanted so much to give him a slap in his beautiful face but I restrained myself and I decided finish our relationship or whatever we had, as usual he was crying and begging that I forgave him, whimpering like a little child that he loved me so much and he couldn't live without me, but this time his disobedience was really serious and I couldn't forgive him.
I left Anselm behind and I tried to continue my life without more complications, but in a few weeks the boy was new in my life again, he fainted suddenly while ha was on the deck, Stephen told me the lad hadn't tried any food in days, I suspected he wasn't eating because he was fully sorrowful for our break-up, and for that reason he had fainted, the boy was too weak to stand himself, the doctor persuade him to eat some food, but Anselm refused to open his pale mouth.
He was so stubborn.
-"The boy is too pale and weak, and I'm afraid of if he doesn't eat anything in the next days he's going to die".- Sentenced my dear Stephen fully worried.
-"I'm going to talk with him"- I said very worried too, I didn't want the boy was dying just for my fault.
To talk with the boy and give him another chance, it was the best I've done, Anselm was too pale when I met him that I was afraid of he was already a ghost, his angelical and white face was so happy to see me, that immediately I felt remorse for having been too strict with the lad, when I took his tender hand my pride melted and then I wanted him back to me.
-"I'm so sorry Sir, I didn't want to cause trouble to you, but my love for you blinds me"- he whispered with tears running down his pale cheeks.
-"Don't worry boy, I've already forgot it, now try to eat something, would you do it for me?"-Anselm nodded and I was pleased with his answer.
The boy recovered soon and he was sleeping with me again, it was good because I really felt alone and miserable in the nights that his tender and warm body wasn't next to me in my hammock, he's behaving himself now, and he already seems not to get jealous when I see other lads but I've watched he's always in a mood when I'm close to Stephen, however his bad mood not get further and he has never been rude with the doctor, even during the nights after our lovemaking he just stays quiet and never asks me about my feelings for Stephen.
-"I love you Sir, I've never loved anyone in my life like you"-The boy whispered on my neck while was caressing my bared chest.
-"What?, stop saying that shit, I don't like it!"- I growled, turning my face and stirring uncomfortably on my side.
-"I love you"-
-"Stop saying it!!!! You’re really making me angry I warn you!!!, I hate love, it's shit!"-
I replied angrily, I knew I was being unfair with the boy and his feelings for me and in fact I was overreacting for this, but I was negative about love, its just simple word remembers myself my failure with Stephen.
-"My sir…- He cried clasping himself in my chest.
-"I said stop!!!, don't you understand???, whatever shit you say doesn't mean anything for me!!! Because I don't love you and I don't have the minimum intentions to do it, you know what? I'm really tired of you and your drama HELL!- I grunted pushing the lad away.
He was downcast and crying silent for a while but sudden he raised his blonde head and stared at me, the blue of his eyes was so profound as ever that I felt myself sinking into the sea.
-"But you love him"- He murmured.
-"What the hell are you saying lad?"- I asked rudely, getting out of my hammock.
-"You love doctor Maturin, I've watched the way you look at him and I know you are in love with him!"- He cried out.
-"Yes, hell I love him! So?, I could love and fuck anybody, I'm not engaged to you, you are just a pretty lad I use to fuck every night and I think I'm really getting tired of you, I never shouldn’t to fuck you!!"- I said indifferent.
-"I can't believe you are really mean to say that Sir, it's too cruel!! And it's hurting me too much!!!- He whimpered his tears were bathing his pale face.
-"Just get out here; I don't to want to go on hearing you!!"- I yelled at him.
-"I love you Sir, you don't know how much I do, but you played with me…..with my feelings, I was just a fling for you, a whore!!! I'm tired to be a whore!!!! And you used me like one!!! That I cannot stand it anymore, I'm not going to be a fucking whore to anybody NEVER AGAIN!!! "-
- "Anselm what the hell are you going to do with my sword????, Put the damned sword down!!!!, NO!!!!!-
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One week later
-"I don't understand why did the boy do this to you?, he's really mad, thanks goodness he made only a scar on your face and not something worse like to stab your chest"-
-"He did it, because I hurt his heart like you did with mine"-
-"What?, What do you mean?"-Stephen asked me very confused; putting the cotton down that he was rubbing on my face's wound.
-"You doctor has hurt me so deeply as nobody has never done it before!!"- I hissed clasping his hands in mine.
-"You are scaring me Tom!!, let go of my hands!!, you are hurting me!"- He gasped
-"I love you Stephen, I love you madly! Now you finally know my secret"-I said satisfied and before the doctor was able to react I was kissing his lips very hard almost wildly, with all my anger, desire and frustrated love accumulated into my heart for so long in those hellish days.
I had made love to him right there over his desk, my desire for his precious and thin body was burning me up and making me lose my mind, actually I had already lost it when I touched his warm mouth and I clutched his face under my fingers, thinking to hell with everything even my duty and loyalty to Jack but then Stephen slapped me hard in my face and I realized what I was doing it was a complete and utter craziness, you can't never force the love, not even if you want it badly.
-"Dear me!!, what the hell is happening to you Tom??, perhaps everybody is getting mad in this damned ship and I haven't noticed it yet!!! You really scared me!! Goddamned!- He cried out angrily his face now was fully blushed and I noticed his body was trembling.
-"Sorry if I scared you, but…."- I excused myself, feeling still his slap burning in my cheek.
-"But what?, you tell me you love me and suddenly you kiss me like a crazy! I think I deserve a explanation"- his angry blue eyes fixed on me
-"Yes you do but it’ s shit, because I know you love Jack and you never going to stop doing it"-I said bitterly
-"What happens between jack and me it's not your business and anybody else "- He replied embarrassed.
-"Don't worry their secret is safe with me, as I hope you don't tell Jack what happened here today, I promise I'll never try to kiss you again, I perfectly know what is my place"- I leaned towards him and then he tensed".
-"You'll always be in my heart Stephen although yours belongs to Jack- I whispered in his ear and finally I stood and walked to the door.
-"Sorry if I hurt you Tom but Jack and me…."- He replied sadly.
-"You don't have to, our hearts are free to love anybody, and my heart went wrong this time"- I murmured leaving his cabin and my illusions behind.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-"Please open the cage"- I ordered to the guard.
-"Yes Sir, I'm going to be close in case the lad attempts to do something"-
-It won't be necessary, he's still a good boy despite he made it"- I said getting in the cage, I fixed my eyes on everywhere and it was dull and not very clean, I felt very sad for the boy who I found sitting in a dark corner with his head between his knees .
-"How you doing boy?"-I called him he raised his head and his blonde curls were swinging over his pale face.
-"I feel terrible because I hurt you with that sword, I'm so sorry.. Sir I really didn't mean to do it"- The boy cried
-"It wasn't serious, you only made me a scar "- I replied brushing the thin slash on my face.
-"What is going to happen to me???, am I going to be hanged?- His body trembled
-"Of course no, you didn't kill anybody, I talked with the Captain and when we arrived to England, you're going to go to a place where somebody will look after you- I replied softly clutching one of his shoulder.
-"A orphanage? I don't want to come back there!! Please sir!- He whimpered.
-"It's not a orphanage is more like a hospital, they are going to take care of you, you really need it because you have suffered so much and you need to heal, you're going to be fine boy trust me"- I soothed him.
-"I'm going to see you one day again?"-he asked anguished.
-"Yes, we even could write us letters, and when I got to London again I'm going to visit you, I promise you"- I smiled at him and the boy seemed to be pleased.
-"I know you hate to hear this, but I love you, I really do it because despite what happened, nobody has treated me so kind like you did it, you were truly gentle with me Sir and that I'll appreciate it forever"- his voice was so sweet and calm to my ears and his blue eyes so clear and shining of hope that for a moment I was believing in love again.
-"I love you too, this is going to be our little secret"- Anselm was grinning widely I wanted to taste his tender lips once more.
++++++++++++++
It's been months since I took Anselm to a mental hospital and I really miss him, before I left him there, I assured myself he stayed in a quiet room with all he'd need and far away from troubles, I know he's going to get better and leave behind all his traumas and emotional problems caused for living in dull orphanages and cruel streets close to evil men who abused him, he's a strong boy despite he looks like a fragile angel, I've even thought he's stronger than me because he never quit or stopping believe in the existence of love even when the people were more cruel or hurt him badly, I never thought to say it, but the lad really if touched my heart.
Maybe the next year I'll visit him and we could pass time together, I'm not sure if this going to work or making me more happy, but I have hope because the love is hope and I think I could love him, yes I can feel it now inside me, this is the more fascinating secret of the life for me.
The hearts love and are hurt but they can heal soon.
FIN