(no subject)
i wish for once that i could feel completely comfortable with my life. that i didn't feel the need to strive for more. just to be completely comfortable. take the live one day at a time sort of attitude toward life. its just not in me. i'm forever day dreaming about past situations future situations and situations that will never happen in my life. trying to make my life more exciting. i day dream everyday thats what i do . my social scene in richmond is sadly lacking and i find myself at a distinct disadvantage at meeting new people. cliques were supposed to go out in highschool or so i was told. three years of college later you come to realize if you weren't accepted into the cool group freshman year you are going to have a damned hard time trying to talk to anyone in that group now. the people i seem to have things in common with won't give me a second look. a little hello a nod or a wave. usually this doesn't bother me but lately i've had the great urge to spread my wings. fly a little bit. meet new people. flying by yourself sucks. i want to take a break from richmond. get back to roanoke or somewhere else all together. i'm influenced by so many things . i want to do so many things. let the past go strive toward the future grasp it by the balls and live life. i need someone to show me how to do that.
Yesterday i hung out with a boy. i managed to annoy him and he managed to almost make me cry out of frustration and anger. hell if i know how he managed to accomplish that. but it put me in a mood for the rest of the night for which i'm sorry jodi had to put up with me. simple things shouldn't have a great effect on me. little things that didn't bother me when they happened now affect me hugely. case in point. during the summer i got back together with an ex. things were ok with us it was good to be back with him. shared stories and kisses some fun times. times i'll look back on fondly. then things changed got strained. he would ignore me when i would go to visit him . force to fend for myself among his friends. then he completely cut me out. no goodbye no nothing. (which if you know my history with him i know i deserved) back then you know it didn't bother me too much i moved on took it all in stride. last week while at the converge show i saw his friends. brought back some memories. found out that he had moved two days after having last seen me. he moved and didn't feel the need to tell me. am i that horrible that someone would just move and not have the decency to tell me. i can't even return his stuff. it shouldn't bother me but it does. c'est la vie. taylor stopped and apologized to me on the street a few weeks ago. so many thoughts and emotions going through my head. how i loved him. i couldn't say a thing to him . my thoughts were a jumbled mess. nothing came past my lips except derisive comments that neither of us wanted to hear. and that i didn't want to say and now its too late to say anything to him.
someone help me spread my wings.
Yesterday i hung out with a boy. i managed to annoy him and he managed to almost make me cry out of frustration and anger. hell if i know how he managed to accomplish that. but it put me in a mood for the rest of the night for which i'm sorry jodi had to put up with me. simple things shouldn't have a great effect on me. little things that didn't bother me when they happened now affect me hugely. case in point. during the summer i got back together with an ex. things were ok with us it was good to be back with him. shared stories and kisses some fun times. times i'll look back on fondly. then things changed got strained. he would ignore me when i would go to visit him . force to fend for myself among his friends. then he completely cut me out. no goodbye no nothing. (which if you know my history with him i know i deserved) back then you know it didn't bother me too much i moved on took it all in stride. last week while at the converge show i saw his friends. brought back some memories. found out that he had moved two days after having last seen me. he moved and didn't feel the need to tell me. am i that horrible that someone would just move and not have the decency to tell me. i can't even return his stuff. it shouldn't bother me but it does. c'est la vie. taylor stopped and apologized to me on the street a few weeks ago. so many thoughts and emotions going through my head. how i loved him. i couldn't say a thing to him . my thoughts were a jumbled mess. nothing came past my lips except derisive comments that neither of us wanted to hear. and that i didn't want to say and now its too late to say anything to him.
someone help me spread my wings.